To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

It's not weird to have an opinion on something. If you post a reply to a topic you see while scrolling MN, it does not mean you have some kind of obsession.

This!! I’m getting fed up of the constant ‘you are projecting, you seem very angry, you are obsessed’ type comments. They add nothing to the thread, it’s just throwing a bit of mud in the hope it sticks because you don’t like the topic or OP. Join in or don’t but this armchair psychology is just boring and so predictable now.

It's not weird to have an opinion on something.

No, there are some things it's absolutely weird to have an opinion on. Other people going to Tesco is one of them. Being angry about when someone goes to bed is another.

He came to parents evenings and sports days with me, but drew the line at children's parties as he has an almost zero tolerance for noise (especially the racket in soft play centres).

But then it’s your job to go to all the kids parties? He gets to ‘draw a line’ because he doesn’t like it?

If couples want to do things separately/together it really doesn’t matter either way in my opinion. But when people talk about the shopping, kids parties, kids drop offs I can’t help but think it’s not about couples being independent. I think, realistically, what you’re talking about in many cases (not always but often) is mum does all the child related stuff while it’s not dad’s ‘thing’. Mum does the shopping, mum does the school runs whether dad is home or not, mum gets to sit in the noisy soft play centre while dad enjoys his Saturday afternoon doing what he likes. The child and family related jobs aren’t for him to deal with and worry about. And spending time with his family, or parter, isn’t really top priority. That doesn’t scream modern independence to me.

I think times have moved on somewhat and many more men are now keen to take a more active roll in family life. And relationship expectations have also moved on. Men like spending time with their wives as people too like a friend, and women should expect that - not men just seeing them as essentially housekeepers and nannies who ‘independently’ get on with the shopping while they lounge in front of the tv or meet their mates in the pub.
That was what my GP were like on my DM’s side - when my grandfather passed away my grandmother was fine, it didn’t seem to affect her much. Lots of people have noted this as a positive, spouses coping will when their other half passes away because they weren’t ‘co-dependent.’ I personally think there’s something kind of sad about that.
My GP on my DF’s side are the complete opposite. They are true friends and soulmates, they love each other’s company. And yes, when one of them passes, I’m sure the other will find it very difficult. As it should be when you truly love someone and had a strong connection with them. It’s a tough thing, but not a negative thing.

@Sakura7 the situation, like with the vagina relaxing are extreme. Anyone who has an 'opinion' on children's parties, supermarkets, shared hobbies, family meals(!)' is miserable. Not necessarily jealous, but a miserable fucker.

Because none of those things are harmful, all very normal. To be actively bothered by them, there's something off there.

Most likely, you're a bit annoyed because your by yourself. To an extent it's normal. Like if you're on the train alone and there's a noisy group sitting nearby.

But if a family or even just pair shopping together of all things, is worthy of an opinion, you have something severely lacking.

Things like the tag along husband would be wearing, of course but judging people doing normal activities and projecting things is just off. Must be exhausting to have that mentality.

Also, makes those people sound like over critical dicks. Who'd want to be around someone like that who just judges the stupidest of things? Sounds unbearable.

My cousin’s kids are all grown now but many years ago one of her children was invited to a soft play place on a Sunday morning for a birthday party.
They decided to all go with the intention that her husband would pay for the other two and keep them well away from the birthday party.
They were horrified when they arrived to find that the party had exclusive use of the soft play for the duration of the party.
Cousin’s husband tried to manhandle the uninvited kids out offering them an alternative but the middle one was crying so much the party mother came out and included them in the invitation so they all went in.
Anyway cousin went to the loo and when she emerged from the cubicle two of the mothers were outside and earnestly asked her if she was ok and whether she was a victim of coercive control etc. They couldn’t believe that it was normal for a couple to do a child’s birthday party together.

A lot of people seem to be getting offended by the OP when she's not talking about them.

"I spend lots of time with DH, so what, it doesn't mean I don't do some things on my own."

"Sometimes we both do the school pick up if we're both at home, what's wrong with that?"

OP and others are talking about the couples who never leave each others sides, the friends who bring their partners to events uninvited, who can't attend a basic appointment without them (the smear test example where he had to be by her side or her vagina wouldn't relax is bizarre, and possibly a sign of a controlling partner).

It's not weird to have an opinion on something. If you post a reply to a topic you see while scrolling MN, it does not mean you have some kind of obsession.

I posted yesterday about having codependent parents and the pressure it put on me once one of them was left alone. Conveniently the "we're just so in love" brigade have skipped right past that.

Not surprisingly, the smug superiority and accusations of jealousy are coming out now. How very predictable.

Because its not the 1950s 🤷‍♀️

There was a similar thread where I’m sure one poster wrote that they missed their DH so much when they went out without him. If she went out with friends she just sat there wishing she was with her DH. Now that is odd.

I 15 years of parenting I have never once seen a kids party in someones house... its really not that normal or common.

I have attended adult parties at peoples houses last one was for a 60 year old and was 95% family but never for a child. Adults sit still and chat not run around and being family and close friends with the ability to understand consiquences and control behavior is also wildly different.

Its such a bizaare thing to do - making guests uncomfortable by imposing personal judgements and rules, making them feel like their now hyped up kids cant actually touch anything incase they break it, having to cram many people into a small space its just wildly impractical and stupid.

I think it's all about balance OP. Doing everything together, or leading totally separate lives are either end of the spectrum. There's a balance in the middle.

This is how DH and I lead our lives. He sometimes goes food shopping with me (usually when we need to stock up on wine as he is much more knowledgeable about wine than I am) and sometimes I go on my own.

He came to parents evenings and sports days with me, but drew the line at children's parties as he has an almost zero tolerance for noise (especially the racket in soft play centres). And I wouldn't dream of dragging him round a shopping mall to go clothes shopping. I would get no enjoyment from him looking bored and wanting me to hurry up.

I would not like doing a full supermarket shop on my own. Me and DH both love cooking and eating but not keen on shopping. So we always go together for big shops and then we can chat on the way round, discuss what to buy etc.

Chatting while shopping makes it more enjoyable and the time passes quicker. We always have something to chat about even after 42 years

I actually quite enjoy food shopping.

Maybe it's because we are a couple without kids so it's not this huge chore, it's picking out stuff i enjoy eating and I can pick all my favourite stuff (as can partner)

I do think couples where the man goes to his wives friends events is strange and controlling but that's a long way from a couple liking going to the supermarket together.

It's because we have a society which revers coupledom, rewards it financially even, so it's no wonder no other individual can be held to that standard. It's a shame friends aren't held to the same status even though most relationships break down and don't last.

What an apt username.

I think it's all about balance OP. Doing everything together, or leading totally separate lives are either end of the spectrum. There's a balance in the middle.

Bringing your partner to events that they're clearly not invited to, or where they will totally change the dynamic us very annoying.

Yeah l find it a bit odd with some things but always just though cos my dh and l aren't like that maybe we are the strange ones although a lot of my group aren't either.

My husband prioritised me when me brought me tickets for a few days away to see someone i really want to see. It isn't possible to all go together and if i wait til the kids are big enough, he'll be dead.

I read this and thought you meant your husband would be dead! But you mean the person you want to see?

I don't really see it as these people "can't do anything for themselves" but rather they are wanting to spend time together.
I like spending time with my partner and doing things together etc.
I am perfectly capable of doing things on my own and really enjoy my own company. But I love spending time with them too.

Says the person getting their breeches bunched up. Stay calm, it's better for you. 🙃

I've been with Dh for over 30 years and we do things together , but we also have separate interests and go out separately and I've always done food / clothes shopping on my own. Dh has hobbies, we have separate friends we see without each other.
It hasn't struck me as odd, but obviously all couples are different in how their relationship works for them.

In our family both of us go to parents evening and sports days etc,this happens because both of us are invested in our child and we both want to support and be a part of that bit of our childs life. I go shopping cos he works 12 hrs a day and I dont work at all. We go out together a lot but not on our own, with child too,so like we are going out for a meal we all go,all 3 of us,Its family time and a treat and we all benefit from having a lovely time.We go to concerts together as a family of 3,everything really. He toddles off with his friends and so do I with mine but to be honest we are best friends and we love spending time together, I just like him,he is great fun to be around and he is gorgeous so why wouldnt I? We dont share bedtimes or anything like that.He is a night owl I am an early bird so we do our own thing there.The only thing I would never do nor want to is share any socials ,,no joint facebooks or emails for us!!! Not because we have anything to hide but I just find it a bit odd when I see Jane and Dave Brown (made up names) and I never quite know who I will get if I communicate with them! Gaurenteed if I want to ask Jane if she wants to go jogging I end up chatting to Dave who will then have to go and ask Jane now thats truly a step too far !

Offended? Jealous? Are you usually prone to hyperbole? Or are you struggling to understand why people might simply have opinions which differ from yours?

Only in this case logic seems to have flummoxed you. 🙂

It's the people posting in this thread complaining about the happy couples and families, most people on the street wouldn't give a shiny shite about what you're doing or who you're doing it with.

If you're getting offended because of what I said, hey I'm only holding up a mirror, it ain't my fault if you don't like what you see.

There was a "your jealous" post much earlier in in this thread. I'm going out on my own to do an activity that DH doesn't want to do. I'm not jealous.

I could say that a woman who is so codependent on her partner that she can't do this thing on her own might be jealous of me.

Logic is a wonderful thing.

Haven’t RTFT but some of the examples listed in the OPs original post are perfectly normal to do together (particularly the child orentated ones) some are a bit strange. I am deaf and need my DH to come with me more than I would like to ensure I get all the information I need or, in certain situations to ensure the kids are safe (I accept that my deafness gives me limitations!). Glad to see I am being judged so harshly for it.

Keep telling yourself that dear 😊