Page 12 | To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

WhatALotOfAFussAboutNothing · 14/08/2022 19:52

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
both parents coming to school pick up
my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I think you’ve hit it on the head with the fact you’re a single parent and like doing things on your own.

Other people aren’t single and like doing things together. Surely it’s that simple?!

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:45

rarge · 14/08/2022 19:28

Can you actually hear yourself?

What's your problem? @Arbesque
What do you object to? Unless you're a miserable sod who judges parents picking their children up from nursery, I wasn't talking about you.

Who were you talking about? Genuine question.

Bangolads · 14/08/2022 19:45

Is it time for the ‘ AIBU but why do so many MN care so much about things that don’t affect them’ Post?

RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 19:43

I get what the OP is trying to say. She is pointing out that some relationships appear to be codependent rather than couples who are happy to spend most of their time together.

Cue posters replying that the OP is jealous because she is single or that married posters are in unhappy marriages.

It is quite possible to be in a happy marriage or long term relationship without spending every single waking moment in each other's company.

Quite frankly I would hate to be smothered and stifled by spending 24/7 with DH all the time.

There are 168 hours in a week. I probably spend 156 of those hours in DH's company (asleep and awake)

Jellicoe · 14/08/2022 19:40

CharlieBear20 · 14/08/2022 19:15

I certainly don't do everything with my partner but yes, weekends are family time! For my kids, not because me and my partner are inseparable. On his days off he will do school runs, or come to school functions - why shouldn't he get that experience? It has nothing to do with me, it's for the kids! What strange things to comment on.

Agree. When kids were in primary DH would move his diary so he could attend school information meetings or parents evening. The PP who is a teacher is right - they love it when both parents are attending. As for parties - when I was the host I love that both parents attend as I get to know parents of my kids friends. Children are teens now - we probably clog the super because sometimes we all go together - because we like to. I still tag along with DH on some shops to pick up things I like. Not because I can't do without him! As for weekends I tend not to make dates with my gf as weekends are always sacred however old the kids are.

rarge · 14/08/2022 19:29

I love how you quoted the entire post too. What are you trying to prove, my post was coherent and rational.

rarge · 14/08/2022 19:28

Can you actually hear yourself?

What's your problem? @Arbesque
What do you object to? Unless you're a miserable sod who judges parents picking their children up from nursery, I wasn't talking about you.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:27

DogsandDungarees · 14/08/2022 18:13

Some people clearly are not in good marriages here . I literally love hanging out with my husband we both work full time so even small chats whilst doing other activities and tasks are cherished. Obviously I still see my friends by myself but every other task id rather do together you do realise your SO can be your best friend too xoxoxo

Oh dear, so if your husband wanted to join a group, take up an interest or develop a hobby away from you, you would assume he was not happy in the marriage. You sound very insecure.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:22

Tessabelle74 · 14/08/2022 17:42

You sound bitter AF! I'd LOVE to spend more time with my husband doing stuff together but we both work. You're a single parent, that's why you don't get it

The only person sounding bitter is you.

LampLighter414 · 14/08/2022 19:21

I know a few couples like this. The ladies have anxiety and/or depression seems to be the main reasoning. I imagine this is the main reason.

Arbesque · 14/08/2022 19:18

rarge · 14/08/2022 10:20

@Sakura7 the situation, like with the vagina relaxing are extreme. Anyone who has an 'opinion' on children's parties, supermarkets, shared hobbies, family meals(!)' is miserable. Not necessarily jealous, but a miserable fucker.

Because none of those things are harmful, all very normal. To be actively bothered by them, there's something off there.

Most likely, you're a bit annoyed because your by yourself. To an extent it's normal. Like if you're on the train alone and there's a noisy group sitting nearby.

But if a family or even just pair shopping together of all things, is worthy of an opinion, you have something severely lacking.

Things like the tag along husband would be wearing, of course but judging people doing normal activities and projecting things is just off. Must be exhausting to have that mentality.

Also, makes those people sound like over critical dicks. Who'd want to be around someone like that who just judges the stupidest of things? Sounds unbearable.

Can you actually hear yourself?

DirectionToPerfection · 14/08/2022 19:16

littlemisskt · 14/08/2022 18:20

I am, and my husband is, perfectly capable of doing things by ourselves but somethings it is nice to do together. as long as it is child appropriate, I wouldn’t take them to a boring information evening, a supermarket at the weekend for a full shop or someone else’s birthday party. We don’t get a lot
of family time due to work/extended family issues so we embrace what we do get. And honestly, a lot of times it’s just for another adult to talk to.

That's completely normal, nobody is saying otherwise.

CharlieBear20 · 14/08/2022 19:15

I certainly don't do everything with my partner but yes, weekends are family time! For my kids, not because me and my partner are inseparable. On his days off he will do school runs, or come to school functions - why shouldn't he get that experience? It has nothing to do with me, it's for the kids! What strange things to comment on.

restingbitchface30 · 14/08/2022 19:09

I do everything with my partner. Because he is my best friend. And we enjoy each other’s company. We do the odd thing away from each other but not that often. But before I met him I felt the same, I didn’t get why some people did everything together.

wordler · 14/08/2022 19:05

DogsandDungarees · 14/08/2022 18:13

Some people clearly are not in good marriages here . I literally love hanging out with my husband we both work full time so even small chats whilst doing other activities and tasks are cherished. Obviously I still see my friends by myself but every other task id rather do together you do realise your SO can be your best friend too xoxoxo

But even if your SO is your best friend - you don't always want to do everything with the same person do you?

I totally get the OP - I'm very happily married, love my DD and love her company, had the closest and most wonderful relationship with my late DM, but I also love doing stuff on my own.

Sometimes it's because it's the most expedient option - like the OP's example of supermarket shopping.

Sometimes it's the most practical option - like the OP's parent evening option.

Sometimes it's just lovely to be on your own, or on your own with a variety of different people.

OP - I get it!

Tabbouleh · 14/08/2022 18:57

OMG as my DD would say. OP, I totally get what you mean.

SirChenjins · 14/08/2022 18:39

I hope this is tongue in cheek

Just as the other posts pitying the people who are obviously in unhappy marriages because they don’t do everything together?

AnnieSnap · 14/08/2022 18:32

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/08/2022 16:54

Totally agree with you OP. Some people are co-dependent and then use excuses like "we like each other" to cover up their weaknesses whilst managing to insult everyone else at the same time. Dreadful people.

I hope this is tongue in cheek! My DH and me were married previously for 30-years to people we had bugger all in common with, so for both of us most activity was done separately to OH. We have been together for 14 years and do nearly everything together. This is because we enjoy doing things together. Anyone who has an issue with that can f*ck off!

BigWoollyJumpers · 14/08/2022 18:31

I think it just depends on how your relationship evolved. DH and I have been together since college, so, we have all the same friends. If we go out in the evening, we go out together, because the other couples are also both our friends, and friends we have made since through school for example, or neighbours, are also "couple" friends. Neither of us has individual friends that we wouldn't see socially as a couple.

We have also never not either seen, nor just spoken to each other every day for 35 odd years!

Having said that, over the years, he has spent many weeks away for work, often the whole week, so of course he had his colleagues to socialise with, and I had local friends. He would phone every day though, without fail.

Weird I know, but I have never been out in the evening with a group of female friends, as I just don't have that kind of group. Coffees and lunches yes, cinema, museums etc, but never for a classic night out. Not my kind of thing.

Everyone is different, and as long as it makes you happy, crack on.

cherish123 · 14/08/2022 18:27

I do see couples who do everything together. However, they tend to be childless or with adult dc

Mollymoostoo · 14/08/2022 18:25

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 13/08/2022 16:52

“one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children”

Maybe because they’re family

Exactly. It's called co-parenting

Mepop · 14/08/2022 18:22

I have done a lot of those things with my partner. For our first (and only child at the time) we did an info meeting at school together because we were both interested. Normally we go to supermarket separately but have done it together if walking that way there are two of us to carry more. We do family meals together because our families live a long way from ours and seeing them involves an overnight stay so we make a thing if it, plus the kids want to see both families. And my partner has on at least one occasion turned up when I was meeting a friend in my own simply because he hadn’t seen the, in ages and was also friends with them so popped by to say hi. Saying that I do try and be wary of friends who are single parents. I would never assume my partner was ok to pop by if I thought my friend would object.

MissNowt · 14/08/2022 18:20

Totally agree OP. I have known a couple for 12 years - see them quite often but have NEVER seen them separately. It’s not healthy surely? What’s going to happen when one of them dies? 😕 I love my DH but couldn’t stand being around him 24/7.

littlemisskt · 14/08/2022 18:20

I am, and my husband is, perfectly capable of doing things by ourselves but somethings it is nice to do together. as long as it is child appropriate, I wouldn’t take them to a boring information evening, a supermarket at the weekend for a full shop or someone else’s birthday party. We don’t get a lot
of family time due to work/extended family issues so we embrace what we do get. And honestly, a lot of times it’s just for another adult to talk to.

RampantIvy · 14/08/2022 18:19

DH and I talk to each other all the time. Over the course of our 41 year marriage we have probably spent more time with each other than most. It doesn't mean that I have to drag him with me everywhere I go.