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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think there should be a point at which they trust my judgement?

257 replies

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:23

Genuinely, asking this question. I'm a bit confused and not sure if I've really messed up. I don't want to drip feed but equally don't want an essay so I'll try to give the important information and happy to clarify if necessary.

Starting 5 years ago my 2 DC (15 & 10) have been under Children's services Child in Need. This happened as I had a mental breakdown. The case was closed about 6 months ago. Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents. My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years. My mum is keen to get to know her grandchildren better. We arranged that today my mum would pick up my DD from school (in her car with air con) and take her to the cinema (more air con.) I thought as the case had been closed and my mental health is much better (in terms of me being able to make a judgement) that this would be ok. But I've just found out Children's Services are opening their case again due to this. What do you think? I love my mum and want her to see her grandchildren, but maybe we should have planned for me to go along?

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:50

BaronessBomburst · 19/07/2022 13:33

But you can't trust you mum.
She didn't protect you.
Why do you think she'll protect your children?

I can see that point of view. My dad won't be there, though so no need to protect them.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:47

yonce · 19/07/2022 13:32

If your dad abused you, why is there a stipulation about your mum too? Is it because she didn't stop it / help you? You don't mention the type of abuse which is hard, but is there a concern it'll happen to your DC too?

Tbh I'd take that stipulation really seriously (and not just for a timeframe of being under the children's service), you probably shouldn't have arranged for them to be alone together. The school have your DCs interests at heart, they have to inform especially if they think your DC is being put in an unsafe situation.

I think the reason they said they shouldn't be alone with my mum was because they thought that may lead to them being alone with my dad. There isn't a concern about it happening to my DC, it is just a precaution. They were never under Child Protection.

And I have no problem with the school informing CS as they had a concern.

OP posts:
nca · 19/07/2022 13:47

But @UndertheCedartree that's the assessment of SS from your op? Why would you think it was ok to go against their requirements ?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:44

nca · 19/07/2022 13:30

You let your kids be with an abuser and someone who enabled that abuse.

You must know that shouldn't happen surely?

Firstly, in the past I didn't know it was abuse, to me it was normal. My mum didn't enable it.

And do I just not see my mum? I love her and want to have a relationship with her. I'd never let my kids be in any harm. But it's hard enough with the little support I have without cutting out my mum and also all the upset of stopping the relationship.

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EHopes · 19/07/2022 13:44

If you can change the arrangement now so that there is a chaperone then do so.

You or someone else.

Clymene · 19/07/2022 13:43

You want them to have a relationship with a woman who lives with a child abuser.

I think when she decided to stand by him, she should have lost all rights to being a grandparent. The fact you think you can trust her with them shows that your judgement is off too

Nietzschethehiker · 19/07/2022 13:43

I see the update that you want them to have a relationship with her....why exactly ?

Nietzschethehiker · 19/07/2022 13:42

I'm trying to say this as gently as possible but your judgement is still very off. Did your mum stay with your dad while you were being abused? Is she still with him? If either of those questions jave the answer yes you haven't made a safe decision

I realise you think you have but enablers of abuse are just as dangerous in many ways

Intersteingly you jave stated twice "your mum " wants a closer relationship. Not necessarily you or your dc, but your mum wants this. It reads as though you have capitulated. Been talked into something. Is your Dm still with Jim or stayed while you were being abused ? Whilst everyone understands how this can happen it also doesn't necessarily mean they are safe.

This wasn't a safe decision. I say this gently but perhaps you still need the support if you are making this kind of judgement call.

Johnnysgirl · 19/07/2022 13:40

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:37

I want them to have a relationship with my mum.

Show quote history

Why? She must have been around when your Dad was being abusive? Why would her judgement be any better than yours?

SlashBeef · 19/07/2022 13:39

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:37

I want them to have a relationship with my mum.

Show quote history

Then you need to supervise that relationship.

nca · 19/07/2022 13:39

But the stipulation from SS Is that your kids can't be alone with either of your parents?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:39

saveforthat · 19/07/2022 13:28

Well you said the stipulation was they could not be alone with your parents so yes YABU if you expect them to ignore the fact that you have breached that stipulation.

The stipulation doesn't exist any more as their case is closed. Plus Child in Need is not statutory so it was an agreement rather than a rule if you see what I mean.

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Johnnysgirl · 19/07/2022 13:38

Sorefrog · 19/07/2022 13:28

’My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years’

You want your children to have a relationship with a known child abuser?

Quite...
There's a pretty good reason they don't feel able to trust your judgement.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:37

Sorefrog · 19/07/2022 13:28

’My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years’

You want your children to have a relationship with a known child abuser?

I want them to have a relationship with my mum.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:35

Vallmo47 · 19/07/2022 13:28

I’ve had a mental health breakdown myself so I can sympathise with you in hard it is when you have children and others are looking out for them for their best interest. Having said that, I think you need to keep reminding yourself that this is what they are doing and it is their job to do so. When I suffered psychosis it took a few weeks before it was picked up on, so there was a small window where I wasn’t making the best decisions for my kids even though I’d never ever ever intentionally do wrong by them. While this is very unlikely to be the case for you now, they need to consider there is a very slight possibility you have made the wrong call.
In terms of your parents, I’d always have a chaperone because it’s the right thing to do.

Oh, definitely, I'm happy they are looking out for them. I'm just not sure if after investigation they will think I have made a sound judgement as DC will not be alone with my dad. Or if I should step in now and go to the cinema (or just pick DD up) with my mum?

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luxxlisbon · 19/07/2022 13:34

I dunno, your judgement is obviously quite odd if you know it was ruled that your children are unsafe alone with your children and yet you are happy to let that happen.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 19/07/2022 13:34

So CS say its not safe for your children to be alone with your parents but you sent your children to be alone with your parent and now they're concerned about your judgement. Sounds fair.

Why did you decide to allow your mum to be alone with them after years of CS involvement during which it was made clear that your children aren't safe alone with them? I'm concerned about your judgement on that one.

What was your mums involvement in your abuse? And where was your dad when your mum had the kids?

BaronessBomburst · 19/07/2022 13:33

But you can't trust you mum.
She didn't protect you.
Why do you think she'll protect your children?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2022 13:33

Sounds like a good thing school are looking out for your children.

They don’t agree with your judgement and they know more than we do.

yonce · 19/07/2022 13:32

If your dad abused you, why is there a stipulation about your mum too? Is it because she didn't stop it / help you? You don't mention the type of abuse which is hard, but is there a concern it'll happen to your DC too?

Tbh I'd take that stipulation really seriously (and not just for a timeframe of being under the children's service), you probably shouldn't have arranged for them to be alone together. The school have your DCs interests at heart, they have to inform especially if they think your DC is being put in an unsafe situation.

SlashBeef · 19/07/2022 13:32

If the stipulations were that your children shouldn't be alone with them, why did you think that had changed?
Of course YABU and they clearly can't trust your judgement!

nca · 19/07/2022 13:30

You let your kids be with an abuser and someone who enabled that abuse.

You must know that shouldn't happen surely?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:30

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 19/07/2022 13:28

"Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents"

Yet you let your DC be alone with your parent.

With my mum, yes. I think this is fine in all honesty. But I think CS think this might mean they will be with or alone with my dad. That is the concern. But that won't be happening.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2022 13:29

Sorefrog · 19/07/2022 13:28

’My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years’

You want your children to have a relationship with a known child abuser?

And the woman who stood by him…

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2022 13:27

How did anyone find out?

From school when I told them my DD's granny would be picking her up today.

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