To think there should be a point at which they trust my judgement?

UndertheCedartree · 2022-07-19T12:23:52+00:00

Genuinely, asking this question. I'm a bit confused and not sure if I've really messed up. I don't want to drip feed but equally don't want an essay so I'll try to give the important information and happy to clarify if necessary. Starting 5 years ago my 2 DC (15 & 10) have been under Children's services Child in Need. This happened as I had a mental breakdown. The case was closed about 6 months ago. Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents. My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years. My mum is keen to get to know her grandchildren better. We arranged that today my mum would pick up my DD from school (in her car with air con) and take her to the cinema (more air con.) I thought as the case had been closed and my mental health is much better (in terms of me being able to make a judgement) that this would be ok. But I've just found out Children's Services are opening their case again due to this. What do you think? I love my mum and want her to see her grandchildren, but maybe we should have planned for me to go along?

stomachamelon · 29/09/2025 09:57

@StrangeConditionit was quoted on another post. I did report my comment after noticing the date.

StrangeCondition · 29/09/2025 07:23

stomachamelon · 28/09/2025 19:17

This is somewhat confused…

And over 3 years old

stomachamelon · 28/09/2025 19:17

This is somewhat confused…

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 20:07

KingOfRockAndRoll · 20/07/2022 19:50

Nah, not if you're going against SS requests its not.

A relationship with bad GPs is worse than not having a relationship with them at all.

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Sorry, I don't know what you're responding to.

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 20:06

Clymene · 20/07/2022 18:05

Your posts aren't difficult to understand at all @UndertheCedartree. I don't know why people are having a go at you.

You got contacted, you panicked and posted here. Then you spoke to your SW who said everything was fine and you updated the thread.

Unfortunately a lot of people only read the first post before venturing an opinion - hence the 'cancel the cheque' meme!

@Clymene - thank you for that validation, I appreciate it. When people start picking on me it makes me feel like I must be a terrible person and I have to remember 'cancel the cheque'! Your summary is spot on.

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KingOfRockAndRoll · 20/07/2022 19:50

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 16:52

I do really appreciate your honesty. In my head it's either her no big deal or I just have sensations of being scared but I don't really know what happened. I'm not sure of the ins and outs with my mum but I will say she has had a lot of trauma in her life. And yes, absolutely my relationship with my DC is my priority.

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Nah, not if you're going against SS requests its not.

A relationship with bad GPs is worse than not having a relationship with them at all.

Clymene · 20/07/2022 18:05

Your posts aren't difficult to understand at all @UndertheCedartree. I don't know why people are having a go at you.

You got contacted, you panicked and posted here. Then you spoke to your SW who said everything was fine and you updated the thread.

Unfortunately a lot of people only read the first post before venturing an opinion - hence the 'cancel the cheque' meme!

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 18:00

RuggedD · 19/07/2022 16:08

If your children were 'only' in a Child In Need plan before then I assume they will be moved into a PLO situation now. (Public Law Outline).

I very strongly suggest that you get a decent family law solicitor. The LA should give you a list of law firms that practice in this area along with an initial PLO letter and it will be free and come under legal aid.

PLO is something you can't mess around with. You need to both take and follow advice.

I'm not going to beat around the bush to save your feelings. You are very likely to now be in a very serious situation. You need to really cooperate with the social workers and listen and also admit openly you were wrong to them.

I wish you thr best of luck. I also hope you get decent therapy You obviously cannot quite believe your mother was complicit in your own abuse. It's natural to be in denial. But there is much more at stake now.

I just wanted to say luckily I didn't take you seriously but if I had telling me my DC would be moved onto a PLO would have really upset me. I'm not sure what your job is, but your judgement is way off. A family whose case is closed and DC have never been on CP do not suddenly go to PLO. PLO is not explained to a family who just need some support, who have never been asked to make any changes. We have been referred to Early help, not put on a PLO. Maybe think before you say things like that in future. Also just wanted to say I'm not being 'snarky', I have just written what I genuinely think after having reflected. I also wanted to say thank you for wishing me luck, I appreciate it.

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 17:26

Johnnysgirl · 20/07/2022 17:06

Have you never heard of threads moving on?
Well, they don't generally "move on" to the point of salient details being completely changed, but hey... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly don't understand this. Surely, within the context you can understand what happened? I posted before speaking to the SW. Honestly, what do you want - me to lie about the facts to make you happy? Do you realise this is real life - things change, things are nuanced, things are messy. Real life isn't some neat little story where 'salient details' always remain the same. Honestly, what are you getting out of being mean to me? This isn't an easy thing for me to write about, there are plenty of posters that have understood and have been kind and given me good insights and advice. If you're not able to do that I don't get why you keep posting. This is the worst thing about MN there are always people about who just use it for entertainment and for some reason find it entertaining to pick on anyone vulnerable.

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Johnnysgirl · 20/07/2022 17:06

Have you never heard of threads moving on?
Well, they don't generally "move on" to the point of salient details being completely changed, but hey... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 16:37

kateandme · 20/07/2022 16:05

Wait now I’m a little lost.what were they under cs for?

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@kateandme - I had a mental breakdown

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 16:36

FayeGovan · 20/07/2022 12:51

Being snippy doesn't help you @UndertheCedartree

You've backtracked and tried to justify yourself so many times people are frankly bored now. You've given an update and dont want to be questioned . Why not just have a conversation with the mirror, saves others getting involved and trying to help.

People are frankly bored? This is my actual life not some entertainment for you of an evening! Noone is forcing you to read my posts if you are bored. People have helped me for which I've been very grateful. I'll never understand people coming on here to attack someone vulnerable. It really doesn't make you look very nice, atall. I've not back tracked and I'm happy to be questioned. Show me where I've back tracked and ask me a question if you like.

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kateandme · 20/07/2022 16:05

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 12:21

Have you never heard of threads moving on? If you'd read my posts you'll see exactly what happened. I can say what I certainly don't want from this thread and that is people coming on just to have a go at me, especially when they've not even read the thread. If you've got nothing to contribute, that's fine, scroll on. It's a bit silly saying 'what do you want from this thread' when many posters have given me great advice and well wishes. I'm getting what I want from this thread. I also clearly answered the question already. My answer won't change just because you ask again!

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Wait now I’m a little lost.what were they under cs for?

FayeGovan · 20/07/2022 12:51

Being snippy doesn't help you @UndertheCedartree

You've backtracked and tried to justify yourself so many times people are frankly bored now. You've given an update and dont want to be questioned . Why not just have a conversation with the mirror, saves others getting involved and trying to help.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 12:21

Johnnysgirl · 20/07/2022 11:05

Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents
This is what you said in your opening post, op. Hardly surprising that that's what posters responded to. Now you say that's not the case at all.
I'll ask again; what do you want from this thread?

Have you never heard of threads moving on? If you'd read my posts you'll see exactly what happened. I can say what I certainly don't want from this thread and that is people coming on just to have a go at me, especially when they've not even read the thread. If you've got nothing to contribute, that's fine, scroll on. It's a bit silly saying 'what do you want from this thread' when many posters have given me great advice and well wishes. I'm getting what I want from this thread. I also clearly answered the question already. My answer won't change just because you ask again!

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Johnnysgirl · 20/07/2022 11:05

Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents
This is what you said in your opening post, op. Hardly surprising that that's what posters responded to. Now you say that's not the case at all.
I'll ask again; what do you want from this thread?

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 09:31

I just want to clarify something. My DC were not under CS because of my dad. I have never discussed anything about him with CS. I did tell my hospital psychologist that he hit me and my brother. Yes, it was abuse. That's all CS know. I agree wholeheartedly to not allow my DC to be alone with him. We are low contact. I absolutely don't think he would ever hit my DC. He knows how against hitting I am and he has told me he regrets it. He would never see us again if he raised a hand to my DC or showed any kind of aggression to them. He never has. He isn't that bothered about them really and sees them very rarely. I fully take on the point that I'm in denial re: my mum. I have little memory of my childhood and don't remember my mum being there when my dad hit me. I definitely think school did the right thing to pass on information as they had a concern.

As to my question - should there be a point that CS trust my judgement? Yes, I think there should be. Am I at that point now? Maybe not fully but I'm getting closer. CS confirmed my judgement was sound which I take as a positive. Thank you to everyone who has given me genuine advice, it has really helped.

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 08:09

Clymene · 20/07/2022 08:01

It sounds like the systems kicked into action when they should and that's great. It's protecting you and it's protecting your children.

I hope you get the support you need too - services are chronically underfunded as you know so it's a waiting game and a post code lottery. Keep pushing for it

Thank you so much.

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Clymene · 20/07/2022 08:01

It sounds like the systems kicked into action when they should and that's great. It's protecting you and it's protecting your children.

I hope you get the support you need too - services are chronically underfunded as you know so it's a waiting game and a post code lottery. Keep pushing for it

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 00:11

StingrayStingray · 19/07/2022 23:50

Sorry @UndertheCedartree I've just re-read my post and I didn't mean if your Father abused you as in "it might not have happened", I was meaning in the sense that it would be easy for him to abuse you C too. I'm glad youseem to have taken it as it was intended but I wanted to clarify because that would upset me if our roles were reversed.

In one of your earlier posts did you not say you had been advised not to allow your Mother unsupervised access because they were concerned it may lead to your Father gaining access?

Thank you for the clarification and yes, I took it the way you intended 😊

Yes, when I had a mental breakdown I was advised to not let either parent have unsupervised contact. I wasn't in a place to really make good judgements then so I understand how they felt it was better to be cautious and advice neither have unsupervised contact. When I told school my DD's granny was picking her up from school, they informed Children's services, as they wanted to check it was ok. After I had posted my OP the duty SW phoned me. She said that it was fine for my DM to have unsupervised contact but not my dad. I think they know now that I am able to judge it correctly and so the situation wouldn't lead to inadvertent unsupervised contact with my dad.

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 00:02

BornBlonde · 19/07/2022 23:36

I really hope you get the help you've been waiting for

Thank you so much.

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Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 20/07/2022 00:02

Sweatinglikeabitch · 19/07/2022 23:03

I really do think your judgement is off. You've said that your mum doesn't see it as abuse. That you don't feel able to tell her she can't see the kids alone. But that your dad would never lay a finger on your kids.

If they didn't see it as abuse, and still don't see it as abuse. Why would 1. Your dad never do it again, he doesn't see anything wrong with it. And 2. Your mum make damn sure her husband is no where near her grandkids? She doesn't think he did anything wrong. Plus, if you don't feel comfortable with that conversation with your mum, are you really going to to be able to stand up to your dad if he ever did lay a finger on your kids?

I think you're obviously struggling and its good you're trying to get counselling. But I think you need to see that because of your upbringing that you don't have very good judgement when it comes to your parents. It sounds like you're feeling alot of obligation to them. And I think you're underestimating the level of obligation your mum will feel to your dad too

I think that may be the case, I don't know. I was able to tell her she couldn't see the kids alone. I just can't talk about the abuse. I also don't know what my dad thinks about it, although he did say something to me once suggesting he regretted it. My dad would never do it to my DC as he knows my views and if he did he would never see us again. Thank you for your advice.

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DragonwithoutaDungeon · 19/07/2022 23:53

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StingrayStingray · 19/07/2022 23:50

Sorry @UndertheCedartree I've just re-read my post and I didn't mean if your Father abused you as in "it might not have happened", I was meaning in the sense that it would be easy for him to abuse you C too. I'm glad youseem to have taken it as it was intended but I wanted to clarify because that would upset me if our roles were reversed.

In one of your earlier posts did you not say you had been advised not to allow your Mother unsupervised access because they were concerned it may lead to your Father gaining access?

BornBlonde · 19/07/2022 23:36

I really hope you get the help you've been waiting for