Having another child when your first has ASD?

My middle child has similar type of ASD. We already had the eldest so had to cope and the youngest doesn't have it. I just see it as part of having three kids and it wouldn't have changed my decision making.

I'm autistic and so is my eldest - my second born isn't, though.
It's such a broad spectrum, mine is still a toddler but the only thing that's delayed is his speech (although he is catching up, just slower than the traditional "milestones"). He is still very smart and doesn't struggle to play with others and make friends, as much as they can at his age!
I was diagnosed later in life, I wish I could have had extra support through education, but I still managed to get postgrad qualifications and make it to exec level. My struggles are almost all social.

3 dc (now all very mature adults) middle dc was diagnosed in her teens (she had previous misdiagnosed as epilepsy & other things) as pp said most people dc are not diagnosed until after they have subsequent dc. I am glad I had each of mine & love all three. Same dh middle dc with asd was born when I was late 20's. I found out later that one of their cousins had asd too. I would have missed out on having my youngest who is a brilliant & kind person (My other dc are wonderful including the one with asd by the way). Op no one can tell you whether your dc are likely to have issues of any kind I do not regret having any of them

Our first is autistic and second NT. Second was born before we knew.
My second is literally the easiest child. School described him today as “an angel”.

But definitely it makes me pause about having a third. I’m far more aware of the genetic lottery, not just autism but other challenges. I wouldn’t change my child and he definitely brings something beautiful to the world but equally parenting requires ten times more from me than parenting my other child. There is no point dressing it up. Having a child with additional needs is often very hard. I think is gaslighting to pretend otherwise. I have had to reduce my working hours significantly and give up my pre kids profession as it wasn’t flexible enough for all the OT, paediatric etc appointments - as a result we are much poorer. Again, I have no regrets. I love my autistic child and he is often incredibly loving.
I am also so, so, so glad we had our second. Mostly because they absolutely adore each other.
So no advice really, except it’s not an unreasonable thing to consider.

You really can’t tell how it will go. He may sail through and have no more difficulty than he does now, or - high school/puberty might hit like a train and he’ll need all the support he can get.
Your next child may be neurotypical, autistic (with more or fewer difficulties) or have an entirely different struggle. It’s not something that can be predicted really.
When my eldest was diagnosed, I was expecting my third! (Who incidentally is also autistic, but middle is not).

My DS1 sounds similar to yours - very very clever and high functioning so although his consultant said he will always have ASD traits it doesn’t effect his life enough for a statement although he is on school action plus plan.
we had already had DD as only 19 months between them and when he was 4 we had DS2. Both the younger ones are NT. DS1 was still in nappies until he was 7 and it was hard, DS2 also had severe hearing loss and issues with ear infections so there was always a million medical appointments at one point!

this may sound controversial but I believe if we hadn’t had other children DS1 would be a totally different person. Because he had 2 siblings he couldn’t always have things his way, he had to share, he had to do things/go to places he didn’t want because the other 2 did and because he could see them playing and interacting he learnt from them how to interact and be in the real world. He’s now a teen and copes well at school. if he was an only child by default he would have got his choice of film/food/activity every single time and may have made him less flexible. He’s never going to be social and we still get melt downs at home.

I could have written your post, OP, or at least the part that describes your son. My (nearly) 7 year old is just the same. The school have also said he doesn't need support at school, and although he has traits, they don't think persuing a diagnosis would be particularly beneficial.

Anyway, I have 4 children, and the other 3 children are all neuro-typical. Just my anecdotal contribution!

There can be influences other than genetic and while pregnant with our youngest I spent a lot of time investigating studies linked to ASD as pondered this same question . Look into omega 3 for example and I think vitamin D deficiency can have an influence; as does not enough folate but conversely very high dose folate and b12 May possibly increase likelihood of ASD too , the latter only according to a tiny study .

Gestational diabetes may increase risk of a child having ASD, as perhaps does high blood pressure and polycystic ovaries. Worth researching all this if interested as I haven’t had time to look deeper into these things but I felt strongly and not because a child with ASD in any less perfect but because I’ve seen first hand how in some cases life can feel quite a bit harder for them.

youngest DC has ASD we decided not to have anymore.

I'm uncomfortable with the way the "spectrum" idea is so often used to marginalise non-speaking autistic people. It happens so often and it's happening on this thread as well. If you dare to suggest that autism might not be a great terrible tragedy to be avoided at all costs, it's immediately batted back with "yes but mine isn't one of the normal, Aspie, mainstream ones, mine is non-verbal"

Maybe if we didn't frame autism in these damaging and bigoted terms, we would fear it less? All children require care, all children throw up problems and scare the shit out of you and exhaust you at times. Autistic children aren't a different dimension of difficult, they don't need to be screened out.

The way you describe him, he sounds like he has some additional needs, but seems like he potentially copes well with day to day life which is great. But then at the end you said he has "severe asd" what you described doesn't sound severe at all.
My daughter has been referred and we are still waiting for an appointment, she sounds very much like your son. We are currently pregnant with our second and yes i am very nervous about it, but I really felt like I wanted a second to complete our family.
It is a decision that only you and your oh can make and how you feel you would cope with a new baby. Good luck x

This is relevant OP, as it seems that autism can run in families. If you don't think there is autism in your family and that your DS probably inherited it from his dad, that's information that you should take into account when deciding whether to try for another DC with your new DP (assuming he doesn't have autistic traits).

It's a spectrum though I adore my child with autism ,and wouldn't be without him but it's very much a disability for him he's non verbal and needs full 1;1 care ,I simply wouldn't have the energy to cope with another child with similar needs

I have two children. DS1 9YO was diagnosed with autism earlier this year. He is very similar to how you described your DC. He is doing well at school. He struggles with social interactions and anxiety towards certain situations.

We had absolutely no indication DS1 was autistic at 18m old when I fell pregnant.

DS2 7YO has not been diagnosed. DS2 does have some similar traits to his brother but less extreme. He is quite shy, he had delays with his speech as a toddler and has a stutter on and off since 3. They both get along well together and generally seem happy day to day. I believe that my children are more than capable of going onto live happy and fulfilled lives.

No one else in my family has been diagnosed with autism. But I believe that my mum, siblings and I are all very similar to DS1 and possibly autistic. I would bet my house on my mum being autistic. Ritualistic behaviours, inability to cope with change, frequent outbursts when stressed and unable to get her own way. She raised four kids. Myself and my 3 siblings have all gone to university, gone onto have good careers and two of us have gone onto get married and have children.

You cannot guarantee your next child won't be autistic. You cannot guarantee that your next child won't be affected differently by autism than your current child. You also cannot guarantee that your next child won't have some other unrelated condition.

I really don't know what I would do in your situation; I'm still thinking about whether I want children or not. My older brother (8 years older than me) is autistic and I believe I am autistic too (though undiagnosed as of yet). Autism wasn't as well known about when we were younger and because we were both intelligent we were never diagnosed as children, despite our social difficulties, amongst other things. My brother has a PHD and is doing incredibly well; knowing he is autistic has helped him massively. I have a first class degree and am managing relatively well, though have my difficulties like any other person. There's no guarantees and I'm concerned about my own future children and how they will be impacted by autism as it's likely I'll pass it on via my genes, so I understand your concerns. I think anyone, regardless of whether they are autistic, have an autistic child or otherwise must consider if they are prepared to raise a disabled child. Children can become disabled at any time (as can adults of course). I think we all have the responsibility to decide whether we are willing to commit to doing whatever it takes to raise a child if we choose to. My dads friends' daughter was involved in a car crash in her late teens and was paralysed from the neck down and will need 24/7 care for the rest of her life. It really made us all think about how quickly things can change.

My oldest has ASD. His younger brother doesn't (though we suspect ADHD). I honestly wouldn't have considered ASD a reason to hesitate. My autistic child has been no more difficult to bring up than his brother - they've both had their issues, they've both turned my hair white at various times, and they're both an endless source of laughter, frustration and pure unadulterated joy.

I find it bizarre that anyone would consider not having a child in case it had ASD. I'm not being judgemental, your choices are your own to make - but I don't get it. That may be because I also have ASD, of course, and don't regard it as some catastrophe.

My dsis has 3 dc with 2 dads, 2 of her kids have ASD dx, the younger one has ASD and ADHD, and I believe the other boy does but then in my family and given our situation re dc I can see certainly some genes came from my side, and some from dh's, so my DSIS has v likely picked two exes with similar traits too.

Sorry not much help!

My eldest DS is 20 & has Aspergers, my youngest DS is 8 & is neuro typical. The reason behind the large gap is that I couldn't of coped with another child. DS1 was bloody hard work & didn't slept through the night until he was 11. When he turned 12 things calmed down & DS2 was born. Maybe it's a case of chilled out 2nd baby, but nothing phases me this time round. I'm immensely proud of DS1 who's now at uni.

I know mother's, who had a child or children, who have ASD, with one father, then had a child with another man, did not have a further child with ASD. Are there other people with, or who you suspect have ASD in your own family, or in new partner's family? Is it worth asking the advice of the service who diagnosed your son? No one can give you any guarantees unfortunately. Your partner and son both sound great. Keep a close eye on what situations your son struggles with at school, just because he doesn't need an EHCP now, doesn't mean he might not benefit from some reasonable adjustments in some circumstances in the future, in exams or anxiety provoking situations , it's not all about academic ability, and schools miss this sometimes.

My youngest son has severe non verbal autism, he's my second child we were only planning on having two children, my oldest son is neuro typical ,my youngest son is incredibly hard work he's a very much loved child but I only have the energy for one child with his needs .

I have 4 children with the same man 2 oldest asd 2 youngest NT so 🤷‍♀️

First of a lot of people don't know when they have a second dc, I had dc2 before we understood what dc1's issues were, secondly your younger one would have different genetics, but then you are older which some people think is a risk factor.

But thirdly, nobody really can say with any certainty - it's whether you want to take the risk - nobody really understands the risks well yet.

My second child is Autistic. I'd 100% have another if I was able. Acknowledge though that I'm in a privileged position of being able to financially, emotionally and practically support a child with high support needs though. If I wasn't, perhaps I'd think differently.