Having another child when your first has ASD?

Similar situation here

Also consider that you may be signing your unborn child up to a support role/caring role, possibly for a lifetime, long after you and your husband have died.

There's 22 months between mine. It was at DS's pre birth HV check that DD's autism was picked up, she would have been 12 months.

Her autism is fairly severe but there wasn't much I could do about child number 2. DS arrived and lo behold he also is autistic. Clashing needs in lots of ways.

Somehow it just works and we manage. I certainly wouldn't have more considering their needs but I absolutely don't think DS wasn't a good idea, they adore each other. In lots of ways they clearly 'get'each other and they seem to understand that they get each other. Fiercely protective of each other in what is quite a scary world for them both.

I agree with that but in numerous posts you have stated that you are worried about having a second child with severe ASD considering that your child is has relatively mild ASD.

If you feel like that (what you written post). Then take the gamble and have another child. Life has no guarantees anyway.

I wasn't saying that you shouldn't have a second child because your DS ASD may be unmanageable when he is older. Putting it bluntly. But I felt you were undermining children with low functioning ASD (I hate that term but there you go) in comparison to your high functioning ASD child- you probably wasn't but that's how it sounded. It was more of a wake up call that there is no guarantee that your high functioning child will remain high functioning.

I think you are a bit naive- particularly from a parent who has a child with ASD. Just because your child is "high functioning" now- don't take it as a given. I have met many and I mean many children who were deemed "high functioning" and not needing any support but once they reached their teenage years, the Autism became very very noticeable, the complex social challenges (that we Neurotypicals take for granted) some are detained under the mental health Act, some have severe anxiety/phobia's and some commit suicide.

This is what I was trying to explain before. People always base their answers to things like this on where their child is at now. I'm 40+ and the variations in my life are vast. I used alcohol as a crutch for many years. I was abused by many men. As a child I was quiet and while there was no diagnosis for people like me, if you apply me as a child to the present day I suppose my mum would say I cope well etc. I did cope well, on the outside. Inside I was broken. I'm married (over 20 years) with DC, had my own business and I suppose that looks like a success bit the truth is I have a whole host of mental health issues that accompany that 'success'

I think you are a bit naive- particularly from a parent who has a child with ASD. Just because your child is "high functioning" now- don't take it as a given. I have met many and I mean many children who were deemed "high functioning" and not needing any support but once they reached their teenage years, the Autism became very very noticeable, the complex social challenges (that we Neurotypicals take for granted) some are detained under the mental health Act, some have severe anxiety/phobia's and some commit suicide.

On the flip side, I have met the reverse. Children who are deemed "low functioning" in their early years but after receiving intense support in their early years and beyond, in their teens their are considered as mild.

I’m with your partner OP. And also know that whatever children you have you will adapt to their needs and do much more than ‘cope’. Your outlook changes when you have disabled children and this brings as many positives as it does challenges. You can make a wonderful, fulfilling life for you and your family regardless.

However I do also think it is very responsible of you to consider what life could be like if any future children are born with disabilities or neurodivergencies, or who later becomes disabled. IMO everyone should consider this before trying for a baby, because disability is part of life.

(Autistic mother here of an autistic daughter and a son who has no overall diagnosis but who communicates via eye gaze, uses a wheelchair, needs 247 care and has epilepsy).

I know plenty of families who have one child with severe autism (which your DS doesn't have), but also have a number of neurotypical children.

I can only think of one family who has 3 children, all of whom have significant impairment with autism. The youngest child, a girl, is the worst affected, and is non-verbal. There is an older brother and sister. Both who are in a special school for their autism.

My 14 year old has ASD and misses social cues etc although manages pretty well generally so sounds like your son. My 12 year old is completely neurotypical, "switched on" very academic. I'll be honest my second son is easier to parent, not least now we are in the moody teen years but they both have their own strengths and lovely personalities, and they get on really well together. Incidentally we only got my elder son's diagnosis in secondary school and the school picked it up and got us referred when the primary and junior had just shrugged their shoulders. Those mild differences can become more obvious when their peers suddenly start getting more sophisticated and your child is still not picking up cues and can appear more immature.

Both my DC’s have ASD, decided not to have a 3rd because it would likely have ASD though I would be more worried that it wouldn’t have it and would then have to survive in a ASD household.

My dh (now ex) had 3 children before I met him, 2 have been diagnosed with ASD in adulthood and 3 of his grand children also on the spectrum.

Yes there is a higher possibility of a 2nd or 3rd child having ASD if their sibling is on the spectrum.

"It's society that needs to change to accommodate not the autistic having to mask and feeling stressed trying to conform."

I agree that society needs to change but my son gets distressed and hurts himself because he feels things differently. I don't know what society can do about interoception difficulties.

*I have two with ASD.

Both beautiful, deep thinking, passionate, loyal teenagers. I love the world they see through their eyes, it's pure and unspoilt, unbiased, accepting and affirming. An supported, thriving and accepted person with autism is such a revelation. We need so much more.

It's our view of autistic people that needs to change, the way they are supported and accepted, acknowledging the unique contributions to society they can bring.

It's the Neuro typical world that's the problem not the people with autism.

I firmly believe this. So many are looking at autistic people through Neuro typical eyes. You can't. Embrace the differences.

They can't and don't confirm to what society expects. It's society that needs to change to accommodate not the autistic having to mask and feeling stressed trying to conform.

Those with autism who are able to mask, will do. At the expense of their mental health. Those not able to mask will be societies misfits. All autistic, all not accepted and not able to truly show the world their uniqueness.

Yes they are beautifully quirky, deeply connected but often unable to express this verbally. Yes they may have sensory issues, be unable to cope with normal everyday tasks, they may need to stim and tick but so what?

We need more autism, not less.*

What magical fairy land do you live in??🙄

I agree the level of care is very different which is why the DLA is based on the level of care need no question there. I also can see that parents of children who have high care needs aren't always too keen on being lumped in with kids that refuse parties and extra curricular activities (etc.).

I'm amazed you know adults or children with autism that are HF that don't try and fit in, I don't think I do know any.

It's a tangent to your issue though, I'm sure there will be many revisions in the next 10-20 years on what it's acceptable to say or think about ASC/ASD/Aspergers etc.

My first has severe autism and severe learning disabilities and epilepsy. He was diagnosed at 3 years old. I was on the fence about more children and left it 6 years before even thinking about. He was in an intensive home therapy program until 5 so we definitely wouldn’t have been able to before then anyway. My second was born when he was 7 and a surprise 3rd when he was 8. I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy the early months/years at all. I was constantly on edge watching their every move and getting in a right state when either of them were a bit late with anything. They are both NT, the youngest has some mild traits but nothing that affects his life or learning. The only thing I feel guilty about is the younger two have very different lives to their friends.

My DS1 sounds like your son - what would be called Asperger's in the past, missing social cues, etc. Diagnosed quite late so we were none the wiser when DS2 came, just thought DS1 could be difficult!
DS2 is neuro-typical and can read people so well. Complete opposite.
They get on very well and I'm glad they have each other.
Same father, no history of ASD in family.

Argh. Typos!
"I really do wish that there were separate terms..."

..anyway, OP, sorry for going off at a tangent. If the autism is almost certainly on your ex's side, I would go ahead and plan for another child. I don't see your risk as any greater than anyone else's. And the child you have sounds lovely, and is unlikely to be any burden to a sibling.

I have an autistic friend who regards his autism as a gift. Which is great for him, but his autism is entirely unlike the autism that the children I taught suffered from. And yes, I use the word suffered advisedly, because when you're almost constantly stressed, uable to commmunicate, anxious and self harming, you're suffering.

But he will not accept that autism can ever be a negative thing. So I just don't discuss my work any more.

I appreciate the complexities involved, but I really do with that there were speparte terms for the different levels of autism.

If you had a severe autistic kid i would vote no. But with your description of your child:i would go for it :)

Why are some pp upset that the potential of having a kid with asd would put them off of having another baby? Isn't that just a very understandable fear. Because of the spectrum of it really. The potential of a severe asd kid is scary. Lets be honest.

I just feel a bit strongly about it as I have one of each type, and although they really annoy each other I can really see the similarities especially in triggers. And I feel that it's a self loathing/acceptance thing to be saying oh but I'm not like that and as you say, related to stigma.

Kids that mask need to feel more able to be themselves and accept themselves really.