Having another child when your first has ASD?

@Mama2many73 My DS’s father is definitely autistic, he shares many traits with my son, they are uncannily similar. I definitely think that’s where the ASD ‘comes’ from.

Hi.
Not personal experience but dear friends. Had 2 children with husband. Eldest, her daughter was diagnosed at around 10. Son, then 8, has no issues.

She then went on to have 2 more a girl and a boy very close in age, with her new partner. She was concerned as could see similarities between the girls, but again no apparent issues with her 2nd son. He needed some hospital visits for unrelated health issues and his consultant picked up on possible issues and he is now on pathway.

She says 'well I'm either the common denominator or I pick men with very similar traits!'

Hello everyone, it’s the OP here.

I just found this thread again and wanted to let everyone know that DP and I did have another baby, she is now one year old and shows no indication of ASD. We’ve had her one year review and she’s completely on track, no concerns. She is incredibly adept socially - in fact a little too good at times when she does or doesn’t want something 😂

My DS is now 9 and doing exceptionally well too. He has settled into a friendship group at school and is really happy. He adores his little sister.

I wanted to post a positive update for anyone who may be facing the same dilemma.

The fact is that most scientists agree there is a genetic component. Both my dc are autistic. Both are severely affected but in different ways. I debated a termination when I fell pregnant with dd. I don't regret having her. She is a joy but it has been a massive struggle.

Yanbu in that it depends how well you can cope with your current situation.

My husband and I both have ADHD and the chances are higher that our DCs will. Our first child is very bright, has some symptoms but manageable. So we have had another. However if they appear to have more severe symptoms we won't have a third. That isn't because we do not want a child with additional needs but because we want to ensure we are able to give full and appropriate attention and assistance to those we already have. I know someone who has children with additional needs who cannot cope yet continued on to have more children then found they can't cope even more than before. It is a shame for the first kids who aren't getting as much focused time as they really need plus there is less in the budget for therapies etc.

Hi OP. I'm an HFA mummy with a DC currently in the referral process for HFA. I know that high functioning labels are controversial, but I find them really useful as an autistic person.

Well done on getting a diagnosis for your son, he is so lucky to have you advocating for him. I think it will really come in useful in his teenage/ university years. For me and many other high functioning autistic women I have connected with, it is those teenage years where the peer gap in social and emotional intelligence starts to cause anxiety and mental health issues.

Honestly, in your position, at your age, if you are really certain that the ND comes from the father's side and you want another child I would. But I would look really closely at your own and new partner's families first, as just because there are not any diagnosed, does not mean everyone is NT!

Having a sibling has been a comfort for me at times. As someone who has struggled with maintaining friendships all my life, my sibling has been one of the few ongoing relationships , although we have not always got along!

My eldest is autistic (as am I, I now know), and I have two children. The youngest is neurotypical - very sociable and chilled out - and he and his sister get on brilliantly. They have a lovely relationship. I was worried about my eldest when she was 7, as she was struggling at school, but at 11 she’s thriving - loving her hobbies, doing well at school and getting quite independent. She’s a good influence on her younger brother in terms of working hard, trying activities etc, and in return he is protective of her at school and understanding when she finds things hard. I love them both to bits and wouldn’t change a thing.

Hi @Prol you're reservations are completely understandable and sound like the normal concerns that sensible parents have before deciding to have another child - not knowing the future. I think if you know you can handle it alone that's incredible (shamefully I am a mum of one and I struggle some days even with incredible support, so perhaps some projecting my own anxieties there- it makes me happy that you are so bright :).

So what I'm reading is that you def want no 2 and you can cope alone regardless of a second child with health concerns.
But your OP says that you dont think you could cope. I'm not picking holes but those are two different answers. So what are your concerns and can you speak to anyone professional for reassurance about if the "what if no2 has severe disabilities" becomes a reality. Because it could be for anyone, even if a child is born healthily. Perhaps you could book an appointment with your GP to explain your concerns, ask about the likelihood for no2 and ask what the care package would be if that were the case- is respite available? Day clubs? Carers?

It sounds like your concern is a very natural "what if" but you are understandably scared stiff.

Where did you previously say you were autistic?

I simply don't believe that as a general principle, autistic people's lives are so bad that it is better that they didn't exist.
If that makes me bad at my job, and bad at coexisting with the autistics in my life, then so be it. An autism specialist who thought autism was a dreadful curse and that autistic people should not be born would be horrific.

I am not rainbows and butterflies. I know things can be hard.

I continue to believe that every life has value.

Do you think, as a professional, arguing with an autistic person, about autism, on an anonymous forum is a reasonable thing to do? After I explained the context of the word, and offered up many other words, you are still going? I don't o see what you are getting out of this. I'm able to recognise for me, it's nothing, so I shall bow the fuck out.

I sincerely do hope you are bending the truth about your profession though, because I would expect a shit load more understanding from someone with such credentials.

"The most important factor that needs to be considered here is the actual child. Should parents choose to possibly bring a child into the world who will suffer their whole life? No. It's a hard no from me."

You said that the potentially autistic person would suffer their whole life. You said that. You said that the possibility of an autistic child was a hard no from you. I agree that the child's needs, not the siblings', should be a core part of family planning. I don't agree that it's better that a child who might be autistic would inevitably be better not born because they will "suffer their whole life".

Now you are nitpicking about my neice/cousin (I am deliberately not divulging exactly as she has a right not to be recognised on an anonymous board) and making out like because she has two hours a week of cleaning and shopping support she is clearly not coping in her life.

Because I disagree with your bleak view about autistic lives doesn't make me a liar or a bad professional.

NT or not, do you want 2? How would you cope with 2 as a single mum? I'm only asking as it is always a possibility (not just through divorces before anyone pounces!) But you need to think of how you would cope day to day, with and without a coparent. Its ok to decide you want to stick with 1.

But from your post I wonder how much dad would pursue help and support of needed? Or would it be you pushing for a diagnosis if there were concerns or would he bury his head in the sand? X

I have 5 dc. 3 have autism, 1 is being assessed for ADHD and 1 has learning difficulties. When I got pregnant with dc5 my dc2 had sensory issues and my dc4 had some medical issues. So we didn't have the kind of information that you do. However we knew when we were ttc dc1 that dh has aspergers syndrome. So we knew it was likely that one or more of our dc would have autism. We were also very aware of the chances that we could have a child who had more severe autism and would never be independent. But we are all one accident or illness away from being disabled.

None of my dc have non-verbal autism and none of my autistic dc have learning difficulties. My dc1 is very bright academically although he has a lot of struggles under the surface. My dc2 tried to kill himself when he was 12. My dc5 seems to be unhappy a lot of the time and I can't seem to fix it for him. Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's very hard. But also sometimes there is joy and I hang onto those times.

I think from what you have said your chances of having another child who has asd would be low.

@Lalosalamanca

Ok sorry I didn't mean to imply you said anything

Give it up. Like really. Your whoever family member has gone from needing care to having a little support to just being like a NT person with a cleaner

@lolil eh?!

I haven't said it is or isn't OK to choose not to have another in case the child is autistic.

I havent failed to realise one of those things is autism.

I am aware autism isn't the same for everyone.

I agree it's fine to consider these things.

Well you have taken the 'suffering' wildly out of context and lept on it like a rabid tiger. The post you picked it from was where is was suggesting people should consider how the autism affects the autistic person, not the parents or siblings, when deciding whether to have another child or not. That's all.

If she was NT and had a cleaner 2 hours a week, would that mean something was amiss and his or her life was terrible?

Why do we have double standards in interpreting NT support vs autistic support?

It sounds like you have a wonderful partner, who loves your son and sees the best in him, and who wants a child with you. I don’t know anything about the hereditary nature of ASD but is it possible it came from your DS’s dad and therefore you would have a much lower risk of the same diagnosis with a second child with a different father who has no ASD traits? It makes your decision a lot different to someone deciding to have a second child from the same gene pool.

You sound like a lovely person

Because I don't agree that autistic people have shit unhappy lives and are always a burden?

And yes, autistic people find lots of things hard. Mostly interacting with NT systems that fail to accommodate autistic brains, thinking styles and sensory needs or the common need for alone time in a world that values team work and sociability.

Autistic people also experience joy, love, connection, hope, excitement and deep flow states of contentment.

You can't simply dismiss autistic experience as one of suffering.