Finger in bum

But who said anything about 'anything goes'?

She agreed to have sex on the first date, which I think can reasonably be read as someone who isn't prudish and inexperienced. He went to put his finger in her bum because this is something most women he's been with have liked. She didn't like it, so he stopped.

I imagine OP has a list of things she considers 'normal', which she wouldn't expect to be asked for explicit consent for. For many of us, something like a finger in the bum isn't really any different from a finger in the vag...it's in the same general category is stuff you'd expect when having sex. It's not like he took out a gimp mask.

And as before, the guy was clearly trying to warm up to (badly) do anal - a one track mind with no consent particularly applying in the interaction.

and there was nothing about the recipient’s pleasure there otherwise he would have asked if they like it.

sorry OP if I’ve overstepped I’m just speaking from experience of some guys and the nonsense of not understanding how anal is something that is discussed, consent respected, it’s not a “is it fair conditions today.. oh! I see! You like this. Let’s go!”

No @pixie5121 - it’s the people pointing out that because the OP chose sex on a first date, consent is no longer an issue as the expectation is “anything goes”

very strongly and respectfully disagree with that kind of assertion .

Did he actually STATE 'women like it'.. or did he just offer the opinion that in his experience, some women like it?

There is a big difference.

I still don't see how we get to either a rather bold statement or a opinion based on experience to him ORDERING you to like it...

No matter - he should figure out if its welcome before sticking anything anywhere. As should we all.

But what do we do these days, back when I bothered with sex (and was less likely to die as a result of orgasm), the norm appeared to be to tentatively explore one another and read the feedback accordingly - finger venturing near bum territory.. does that get a 'yes please' or a 'nope don't even think about it'.. etc.

Do we now sit and have a chat and check off things on a list, a wee spreadsheet of whats acceptable and what isn't?

With the way some posters here seem to want to ridicule and twist every comment a man utters, i can see some being pretty wary of just asking the question! 'OMG HE ASKED FOR ANAL, THE FILTHY BASTARD..' etc.

I don't think it's remotely extreme. I'm not into anything particularly wild or kinky and have been doing that as long as I've been having sex, so nearly 20 years.

This is why threads like this descend into fighting and posters attacking strawmen - nobody is paying attention to what you're actually asking, which is whether the man was unreasonable to think you'd be up for a finger in the bum, and to which the answer, IMO, is no.

I think the main thing that puts me off casual sex is this kind of boundary pushing - which itself can be a kink.

But the reason men expect it is because so many women do it.

And yet pointing this out is 'slut shaming'?

This.

But he should have asked.

Yes, I already said that's what the norm is...moving slowly so the person can say no. The question wasn't whether suddenly ramming your finger in someone's arse is OK (to which the answer is no), it was whether it's unreasonable to ask whether more and more men are becoming pornsick (to which the answer is that finger in the arse isn't particularly out there or much of a 'weird move').

I wish more people knew how to read.

I was just going to find the link to the cup of tea video!

I mean, there’s a happy medium! You wanted ‘missionary’ and a glass of wine - that would seem to be very boring sex for some people (I’m not judging you - each to their own!). I personally don’t think a finger up the bum is extreme, or anything to do with porn - people learn their ‘moves’ from other partners too, not just porn.

What a cesspool MN has become.

Women like sex. Women like casual sex. Women like consent. They’re not mutually exclusive.

Shame on all of you slut shaming. Go clutch your pearls elsewhere.

@ElenaSt reported - you are hateful. By this logic half the country isn't 'a person with feelings'.

@pixie5121 - you are woefully ignorant. When you have sex with someone for the first time, you ask them what they are up for, or you move slowly enough they can easily say no. You do not stick your finger in their arse with no warning.

Here's a video about consent, 'Consent - it's as simple as tea' - aimed at teenagers, but helpful for you.

Porn and kink have turned out to be so liberating for women, have they not.

Isn't it just?

I despair, sometimes.

He should find out before crossing over it if he's not sure.

I quite like it, but not on a first date and definitely not without asking!!!

I too want I just want a bit of missionary and a glass of wine to liven up my weekend on a tshirt😂

Also OP another reason why I am pissed off with this bloke is - he could so easily have asked - but I don’t think he wanted to know the answer. Which is of course categorically NOT consent

I think he was doing it as a precursor to moving something else there to replace the finger. And as usual with ignorant folk like this, it would be done with no lube or preparation etc. As a kind of “oh you tolerated the finger, so..”

god I really hate men like this who seem to think sex is some kind of platform computer game with levels and different things to achieve in the shortest time possible

Wow, the misogyny is strong on this thread

Aren't you lovely?!

I agree, he should wait until you've suggested it or ask or something but non-consensual bum fingering is not on. He should have read the situation better.

Maybe a respectful
1 hole or 2? Is needed?