Finger in bum

God I know. Those dreadful women consenting to sex with someone they just met and then expecting them to understand that they actually have the right to not be assaulted by a finger up the arse without asking. I mean, what is the world coming to, won’t someone please think of the poor, poor men.

The hypocrisy of MN never fails to amuse me.

Having penetrative vaginal intercourse with a total stranger (risk = pregnancy, numerous STIs) = normal

Thinking a stranger you're shagging might enjoy a finger up their bum (zero pregnancy risk, pretty much zero STI risk) = pervent, weirdo, borderline rapist.

Mental.

Fuck me, I never thought of myself as being particularly kinky or out there, but MN never fails to amuse me.

Plenty of men would love to have a finger in their ass, yes.

And of course, those of us who aren't morons understand that there is a world of difference being 'without asking' meaning gently touching somewhere and seeing the reaction, and stopping immediately if the reaction is negative, and just jamming your finger up there suddenly. OP has made it clear that it was the former.

And there is far more misandry on this thread than misogny.
woman sleeps with randoms - ‘you go girl’
man tries to do a fairly mild and common act as part of it and stops when told to - ‘filthy, rapey, porn addled pervert’

The idea that those of who think fucking random strangers is more ‘extreme’ than some mild butt play are ‘prudes’ is one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen on here.

In my experience, about 50/50 tbh - not shoved, no one should be shoving anything anywhere without that being asked for specifically.

@Mally100 How many dates does it take to get a shag that doesn't involve anything unexpected and where is that written down? We're not psychic.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that until you’ve got consent from someone, assumptions based on their eagerness to sleep with you are not all encompassing for every single sexual activity listed.

or in simpler terms :

This is what some of you are saying :

if a person wants sex on the first date; they are likely to be up for any sex act beyond the expected PIV. Therefore they cannot complain if a man also sees this as an unspoken green light and goes for everything.

wow.

decades of feminism and we’re reduced to women telling us we have to put up with anything, any sex act, because we dared to desire on the first night

fucking hell

Woah Tigger, just because someone has sex on a first date doesn't mean that ....
A. She's a slut, or any other variation.
B. She wants it any way or any how.

I like ice cream, but I wouldn't want a tub of it shoving up my minge!
If someone isn't sure that the other one may like or dislike something, then ask, don't just assume. What suits one isn't always going to suit another.
How would the bloke like it if you pulled out a strap on and said bend over, then said, well some blokes like it, when he objected!!
If a bloke tried to shove anything up my arse, he would be picking his teeth up!

Agree

Some people find the whole can I put this here or there off putting. An easy way around that is to say do you enjoy this and move very slowly once you have had a positive answer so you can be asked to stop at any time

Was it Euron Greyjoy?

I wonder if all men who like to shove their fingers up a woman's butt, would be happy if it was done to them without asking.

Tbh I think it’s the risk with having ONS and I’m not “slut shaming” but what happens these days would put me off tbh, strangling seems to be another common one 😐

@pixie5121 She is very clearly talking about consent, you don't have to use the word consent to be talking about consent - she said he'd done it without 'discussion', discussion covers consent.

If you really didn't understand that, you would be the one in need of an adult literacy course.

However, you do of course understand it, which is why you first post says what it does.

You are just embarrassed by the fact your response has been pulled up by several people, and trying to dig yourself out of it. Leaving the thread would limit your embarrassment rather better.

It's been ever such a long time OP..

Back in the day, yes there would be the 'whoops wrong hole' and hoping you'd say 'actually....' and there'd be the 'venture nearer and nearer and see if she says no' types..

I can't honestly recall shagging anyone who wasn't interested in anal, some would be more up front than others but my overall impression was, all men want to try it and its bugger all to do with being gay, closet gay, bi-curious or anything else.
It is simply FORBIDDEN and therefore instantly super attractive.

My view was that if I wanted casual sex, then I'd need to accept there would be some 'I don't know what your boundaries are' awkwardness and 'oops wrong hole' and so on. As long as everyone respects being told 'nope!' surely all's well?

If you want sex that absolutely never ventures near boundaries let alone strays across them.. thats longer term relationship sex, a thoroughly different beast.

But I don't expect many women to see the distinction there, as so very many are only interested in the latter type of sexual experience, and many of those are firmly of the opinion that casual sex for funsies is just wrong/filthy/bad/slutty etc etc.

Yeah awful behaviours from him, though I thought finger in bum was quite normal. Maybe not every time and definitely something you ask consent for but not 'extreme'. I'd say asphyxiation is extreme not a finger.

I remember sleeping with someone in the 90's and he did the same. Think its always been a thing for some men not just to do with widespread porn now.

“She agreed to have sex on the first date, which I think can reasonably be read as someone who isn't prudish and inexperienced.”

how can you possibly get this from just one instance?

i was in two relationships for 9 years. I then had my first one night stand. Where was I on the prude / slut scale?

He went to put his finger in her bum because this is something most women he's been with have liked. She didn't like it, so he stopped.

replace the finger with PIV scenario - “she didn’t like it so he stopped”.

isn’t there a layer of something that comes before that? Or am I unrealistic in imagining what consent looks like these days?

She didn't once mention the word 'consent'.

Her issue is mostly with the perception that men are influenced by porn to try out what she considers 'weird moves' and is asking whether men should be going for these moves during casual sex.

Whether or not you need to ask for explicit verbal consent for every single thing you do in bed is an entirely separate issue.

I suggest an adult literacy course.

I can read very well @pixie5121 The OP's opening line was about what porn might be normalising. She went on to say that he had done it without discussion, and she thinks men should stop pulling these weird moves.

She opened out the conversation from moves that might inspired by porn, to the need to ask for consent for those moves.

Which you know very well, because that's what you replied to in your first post:

I find it a bit weird that you're criticising a man for doing a sexual act when you've only just met when you're....having intercourse with a man you've only just met.

How is he supposed to know where the line is?!

And the answer to this, is he's supposed to ask for consent.

What you wrote was unpleasant and ignorant. Fortunately the OP is sensible enough to ignore you.

Plenty of women have prolapse from having babies, but the majority still go ahead and do that.

That’s another thing that’s become quite normalised I mean what the fuck. If a man wants to stick his penis up an arse does he actually need a woman for that. Is he a closet gay but he can’t actually come out and admit that so the next best thing is to use a woman’s anal passage with all the biological implications that come with that.

my friend is a nurse and she deals quite regularly with prolapse is caused by dicks going where they’re not meant to.

Anything someone hasn’t consented to is extreme.