Page 8 | Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

Alwaystoblame · 2022-05-27T13:10:34+00:00

Posting for traffic. How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes. I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

Lindy2 · 03/07/2023 07:58

I'm sorry it's still so tough.

The fact she's sat most of her GCSEs is really good. Take that as a plus point.

The arrest is obviously really bad. Do you know how she feels about that? Hopefully she's scared and that could be the kick up the bum that she needs to change direction.

Stay strong. At least the pressure is is off regarding school attendance now.

Perhaps she'd be better suited to a job or apprenticeship for next year. Something that interests her. College can come later when she is ready to go back to education.

towriteyoumustlive · 02/07/2023 14:54

Alwaystoblame · 02/07/2023 12:27

I feel quite depressed lately about all this. It's taking its toll. I don't understand how she's not on a child protection plan.

I've just read every post you wrote.

I'm a teacher, and I have seen kids just like your daughter come through the other side and put all the trauma and awful behaviour behind them. Most involve separated parents where they live with the parent that gives them the most freedom.

Would it be possible for you and your daughter to go on a ridiculously long walk with just the two of you? Find somewhere with no phone signals. It won't fix your relationship but it would give the two of you chance to talk without being able to run away.

All you can do is keep letting her know you love her and keep offering her support.

Soopermum1 · 02/07/2023 14:14

OP, I've read this entire thread and can see so many similarities with my DS, now 19. Social services, truanting, police, CAMHS, abusive dad, autism assessment that he declined when his dad talked him out if, the lot. He's at college, 2 years behind academically, but the last I heard he was thinking about dropping out. After an incident involving the police last year he went to live with his dad. I haven't spoken to him in over 6 months 😞 I just couldn't take the abuse any more. He's probably even more abusive now he's permanently with his dad, though, interestingly, he was very resistant to going to live with him, he had to be forced.

So, I can't offer any advice, just solidarity.

tkwal · 02/07/2023 13:54

Why would she be on a child protection plan when her dad says everything is fine ? He's probably where she got the idea of saying you're bi-polar and social services are under so much pressure (to cut costs, not to provide solutions) that they take the line of least resistance ie not listening to you. Try contacting the NSPCC , the local children's law Centre or ask your GP about CAMHs. Try to engage with her youth offending team worker. You have to be listened to because you have parental responsibility. Most importantly , just hang on in there. Not easy with the constant rejections , hostility and risky behaviour but you're all she has at the moment and sooner or later she will realise that. 💐 and hugs to you

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 02/07/2023 12:27

I feel quite depressed lately about all this. It's taking its toll. I don't understand how she's not on a child protection plan.

OP posts:

OccasionalHope · 02/07/2023 11:43

Sorry things haven’t improved, OP.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 02/07/2023 10:32

Well, she's now finished school completely. Not that she went much at all this last year at 56% attendance. She missed one exam completely and missed half of another and was late for another one. School were impressed she turned up at all because at one time no one was sure she would.

Amazingly she was allowed to attend the leavers events and the prom. I was not involved in the prom at all and didn't get sent any photos until afterwards. I wasn't given the chance to buy her anything for her outfit or see her before she left. I was so upset about that. Her dad's ex, one of them, helped her get ready, took her shopping and bought her something.

Over the last few weeks I've had investigations into medical issues and was referred under the 2 week wait for suspicion of cancer. She didn't know this but she wanted to come here after I was recovering from a procedure and explained that I'd been in hospital.

During that waiting period she was arrested and is out on police bail. She doesn't care and her dad has done nothing to address this and how it came about. I had a thread about it. She has been bailed to the youth offending team and now has a worker assigned to her. I dropped everything when the police phoned me to go to the police station and be with her.

A couple of days ago she started calling me bipolar because I'd asked her a question she didn't like. Every time I don't tow the line she says I'm bipolar and essentially gaslights me. She's just like her dad in that respect.

She is desperately unhappy phoning her sister drunk crying about how horrible her dad is and how he's never around and puts his girlfriends first. When we speak about this when she's sober she denies how upset she was and says things are fine.

Social services are a useless waste of space as always. All they do is have a chat with her dad and believe what he says. They closed the case and then she was arrested and things are worse than ever.

I'm so glad school is over but goodness knows what she's going to do over the summer. Her dad has said she needs to get a job but she's on police bail so I'm not sure that's possible. She's not mentally in the right place for a job and wouldn't last a week. She'd not turn up or would be late. She has a place at college but I think she won't be able to do her chosen courses because the exams she missed and was late for are the ones she needs to do the A levels. I'm not sure she'd last at college either.

It's a complete and utter mess.

OP posts:

Daimyum · 18/05/2023 20:58

I'm sorry, ignore the post above. It seems I'm late to the party here for want of a better word. Hope things are better for you op

Daimyum · 18/05/2023 20:43

You apply for the school online as if moving school normally but also speak to the council and headteacher/ sometimes it's the head of year.
There should be an officer within the council that deals with excluded pupils. They were useless in my experience but yours may be useful.
I have just been through the same. With mine. There was a long wait until mine was accepted by the school, and they may be a little funny about gcse choices. Was off school for about 9 weeks and not sent a single piece of work.
They won't be sent straight to the referral centre, if only been expelled from one school.
The council has an obligation to provide education for your child in the same way as you are fined if they have poor attendance or take them on holiday during term.
Check your local government rules, so can quote them when you speak to the council.

SleepyRich · 18/05/2023 20:26

The FBI thing just sounds delusional. I can understand not getting on in school and the teenage delusion of being above it all, it's not for everyone and she'll grow up rapidly once she actually has to get a job. But that she thinks she can somehow get a job with the FBI.... I mean I don't know anything about how a Brit would go about getting employed by the FBI, but my suspicion is that even if you were extremely gifted with desirable skills/speak multiple languages and could pass GCSEs/Alevels with ease, it would still be extremely difficult to get the visa and get the job.

Dashdotdotdash · 18/05/2023 20:18

How is the EHCP application going?

Dashdotdotdash · 18/05/2023 20:05

Why does your DD think she doesn't need qualifications to join the FBI? They need an undergraduate degree as a minimum. And there's a little matter of being of good character, and a US citizen ...

ExtraOnions · 18/05/2023 12:52

Hi OP

my DD missed all of Y10 & Y11, and did Zero Revision. She had undiagnosed ASD, and consequently bad anxiety (we are with CAMHS now). I know exams seem like the main thing atm, but they really aren’t. Retakes can be done, and colleges have courses for all grades going in.

Mind ended up with 5 grade 4s (when she stated school she was estimated grade 9s), she has enough to do a L3, and we are hopeful she will go in September.

Exams are not the be all & end all, you can study and take exams at any point in your life. What’s important is Mental Health. For us, if we can get her attending college regularly that will be a huge win, I’m not even bothered what she studies.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 18/05/2023 07:06

The week has improved greatly since Monday. I was feeling very down then especially as dd2 had been so nasty to me on Sunday night. My friend came to talk with her and she's been sweetness and light since. The thought of her going to same way as dd1 terrifies me. The thought of her ending up like her sister terrified her and my friend made it very clear that if she continued she could wave goodbye to the career she wants. She wants to be a doctor and needs the highest grades. She's very capable of getting those but if she went the same way as dd1 she'd be looking at 2s, 3s and 4s because the support just isn't there at their dad's.

Dd has had 2 exams this week. One went well and one she thinks she's failed. She's just not done the work but I told her months ago she needed to catch up on the syllabus but she can't be bothered and will suffer the consequences of that. She was convinced that she only needed to learn two topics but it was more like 6 and she's only bothered with 2. I bet she won't even tell me her results when they come out in august.

I'm trying to remain optimistic that she will eventually grow up and realise that her choices are what has led to the situation she is in but with every week she seems to get further away. She's showing no signs of maturity but I'll just keep holding on.

OP posts:

MathsRocksMathsRocks · 16/05/2023 10:04

OP, I have no direct knowledge of parenting a child with the difficulties you are facing as your DD's mum, but I've taught a few who have grown up a bit by their early 20s, and only then were they ready to apply themselves to studying for, and taking some exams.

I teach part-time at a FE college, and yes the majority of my students are on the 16-19 age group. But there are also some students in their low to mid 20s, and one brave souk who's in her 50s. I have also tutored privately for young adults who are about to leave the care system, but whose schooling and positive behaviour while they were there was sporadic at best, and non-existent at worst.

But many of them had realised by their early 20s that life wasn't going to easy without at least a 4 in maths and English Language, but also they'd matured a bit more and could see the benefits.

It looks bleak now OP (and it is) but if/when your DD is ready, np matter her age, there will be places and teachers who will work with her to get her through the maths and/or English Language (if she doesn't get it this summer) and it won't matter to the teacher how old she is, only that if there's the potential there, that it can be realised.

I know none of that helps you or your DD today, but I just wanted to offer a chin of light in the darkness of the last 2 years.

And you're a brilliant mum, but you're not a magician. You can only do your best. 💐

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 16/05/2023 07:17

Thank you. It really is tough going.
She's not been diagnosed with anything yet but I'd put money on her having ADHD and autism. There's a strong family history of autism and adhd but her dad won't hear of it.

Her first exam is today. She's worried but not overly so. It's science and I dread to think how she will do. Instead of revising this weekend she's had a sleepover with 2 lads l(!) and then gone out on both days with various people. Her dad is just unbelievable in his lack of parenting. He's bought her a double bed and boys regularly stay over in that bed. She's had sex with 3 different lads that I know of and she's only 16. She just bounces from one to the other and back again. Breaking up with one going back to the previous one and so on.

I'm not sure her dad will cope with the mental health fall out when she fails her exams and doesn't go in to college or into an apprenticeship. School know me and we have a good relationship but I doubt she'll give my details to a college or company she's apprenticing with or working for so she'll be very much on her own. No one can ever get hold of her dad if there's an issue. The college is a bus ride and a walk away too so no more just walking down for emergency meetings. I can't imagine how post-GCSE is going to look for her but it's such a worry.

I don't think she will ever come back home now. She's been away 2 years more or less and is too used to being able to do what she wants with no regard for anyone else. She admits she can't cope with her younger siblings at her dad's any more and she can't cope with being in a family situation. She's lost her close relationship with her sister and brother here, her grandmother, and me. All she has is a father who prioritises his girlfriends (yes that's plural) and his job, and a group of male friends she is sleeping with.

I often wonder how things would be if her dad hadn't had an affair and left to be with his affair partner and her children. I'd have divorced the abusive bastard anyway but without all the drama of new siblings, many house moves, another break up from AP, several other girlfriends and their kids being involved in her life I do wonder how different things might have been. A lot more settled and stable. Her dad is on his 6th girlfriend in the space of 2 years and all of them have been staying over at the house and heavily involved in their life. Then they break up and it's more loss for her to cope with. He's seeing someone new now but already they are all doing trips out together, staying over etc but he's off out with other women too so I don't think it will last long. He needs the adoration of all these women. It's very sad all round.

Thanks for letting me vent. Best get on with whatever today throws my way!

OP posts:

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 15/05/2023 11:04

A wee hug for you, @Alwaystoblame

There is nothing else to be done, you have to ride it out and it is awful. We are listening and I hope that venting helps even a little bit.

She has you, she knows there is unconditional love for her. I am confident that is what makes the difference. It has to.

Lindy2 · 15/05/2023 08:25

You're doing the right thing by stepping back. You have to really.

My DD is year 10 so a year behind yours. She has ADHD and ASD and isn't coping at school and her attendance is very low. She's not academic at all.

I've been through (and I am still going through) all the stress and worry about her future options with, what is likely to be, no GCSE passes at all.

There's been a couple of very comforting threads on Mumsnet recently about those who left school with no exams. There were so many that returned to education, when they were emotionally ready, and did very well.

There were those that took a different direction through a trade or business that they enjoyed.

I'm having to reset my academic mindset and accept my DD is taking a different path to get to where she wants to finally be. She's very immature (despite thinking otherwise) and is simply not ready yet for what conventional life expects of her.

Has your daughter been diagnosed with any neuro diverse condition? Do you think the school avoidance is related to anything like anxiety or is she simply choosing not to go because she can?

As you said she's almost certainly going to make a hash of these exams. Set that as your expectation and hope it's the start of her resetting what she wants when she realises she hasn't achieved what she knows she can.

Once the exams are over the pressure of school attendance is off. College may be a better environment for her. If she has to start on a low level course to begin with then it's a stepping stone. If she gets a basic wage job then that's what she does until she is ready for more.

If she carries on as she is skipping classes and not caring, then you continue to step back until she's ready to do better.

I know it's incredibly hard though. The underlying worry all day every day never goes away. The sadness of the wasted opportunities is also always there.

The only person who can change it though is your daughter and at 16 this isn't it for the rest of her life. Education in her 20s or even 30s if needed is still right there for her.

TheMadGardener · 15/05/2023 07:30

❤️
I am so sorry for all you're going through, OP. I hope things get better for you.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 15/05/2023 07:18

Well here we are at the start of the GCSEs. She did her modern foreign language in year 9 because that's what her school does, and she's already done her art earlier this spring. Now it's time for the big ones. I felt quite emotional when the head of year sent an email on Friday about it all. She's done virtually no revision. Her attendance is abysmal. Social worker is useless and her dad continues to be a feckless Wanker prioritising what he wants and his many women over what Dd needs. She was awol from school twice last week with one of those times requiring being reported missing to the police as per school's safeguarding advice. Dad was clueless she was even missing or not in school. She's not in most lessons and I have no hope that she will pass anything other than English language. She's been taken off the higher science papers and put on the foundation ones because she's just not doing the homework or attending lessons. Her science teachers see her about once a month.
She has a place at college but it's a place that is to be clarified once she has her exam results. She's applied for 4 courses but they won't confirm if she can do them until she gets her results. She wants to do 3 a levels and a vocational course. She's still thinking she will be able to join the FBI and says she doesn't need any qualifications for that. Exams aren't everything but for what she wants to do they are. She is also talking about doing an apprenticeship but with her attendance and behaviour record I'm not sure anywhere will take her? She's not applied for any or even looked at what she could do. The same goes for getting a job. Who is likely to take on a school leaver without maths GCSE and with an attendance rate of 60% along with her violent behaviour record?
I'm so angry but so flat about it all too.
I barely see her. I think the last time was about a month ago.
She's going to be devastated when she gets her results because she was capable of getting a a 6 in everything. Now she's predicted 2s, 3s, 4s except for English language.It's such a waste and I know she will try to blame me.
I'm really worried for her mental health in the coming months.
She won't listen to anything anyone says. I've told her I believe in her and that I'm always here for here but there's little else I can realistically do while she is in her dad's clutches. He's poisoned her and she's the one paying the price. He's trying it with dd2 as well and I've got a battle there at the moment. Makes me wish I'd never had children sometimes. Ds is the one that keeps me going and his behaviour reassures me that I'm not a shit mum.

Here goes for another day of phone calls from school because they can't get hold of her dad and she's awol again or claiming to be sick or has locked herself in the toilets. Major upset last night with dd2 so I'm dreading her getting up. I'm trying to sort out my mum's power of attorney that my siblings have fucked up and I wish I could run away or had another adult to share the load with.

Thanks for the vent, I can only do it here.

OP posts:

BitchBrigade · 26/03/2023 13:29

Been following your threads for a wee while now OP and hope things for you and your other DC are a bit more settled now. Saddened to see her behaviour escalating but I think you are right to step back and look after your own and other children's mental health first.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 03/03/2023 18:48

Good for you. You are very brave and putting the needs of both your children first.

This is very tricky parenting and you are making as best of a bad situation that you can.

I hope you are managing to take care of yourself, this is tough stuff.

Spanglemum · 03/03/2023 16:34

I have followed this and your other thread and I think you're doing the right thing. She won't get the grades she might have been capable of but that's that. There are a lot of opportunities in FE. Focus on yourself and your other child. Keep in touch with school but don't feel you have to attend the meetings.

Murdoch1949 · 03/03/2023 16:25

I think you are right to withdraw and concentrate on your other child. Your daughter's behaviour both at school and home has been atrocious. She has led you a merry dance and largely got away with it. By slightly detaching yourself from her and her continued antics you will get headspace to devote to yourself and son. She will realise that you are not pandering to her & her poor behaviour, which may give her pause for thought. Obviously her dad is not going to do anything proactive, so she will have to reflect on what she wants/needs. You've tried & tried, maybe it is the time to make a stand by withdrawing. Good luck.

Mummapenguin20 · 03/03/2023 16:17

What a wonderful mum you are, one day she will realise this x