Page 6 | Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

Alwaystoblame · 2022-05-27T13:10:34+00:00

Posting for traffic. How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes. I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

Lindy2 · 16/09/2023 09:17

Perhaps you should move. Not necessarily a huge distance but far enough so that you can put a bit more of a safety net distance between you and your toxic ex.

How old is your son? Is he at an OK age to change schools?

I think your children need a bit of a shock treatment regarding their behaviour.

Tell them as both DD have moved out you'll be downsizing and moving. You really don't need to accept being their verbal punchbag.

Newestname002 · 16/09/2023 09:03

@Alwaystoblame

I am so very sorry you are going through this very tough time - I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your troubles and those who cause them to disappear at least for a very long while, to allow you to get some reserve of mental and physical strength back. All I can do, however, is to add to other posters virtually sending you love and wishing you well for the future. Not near enough I know, but hopefully you can hold on for your son and your mother and, one day you will hurt less than you do now. 🌹

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 15/09/2023 22:39

Dd2 has said she is never coming home. I know how it will be going in that house this week. ExH will be saying how I drive him away and made his dick fall repeatedly into another woman and dd1 will be saying how I drove her away and that now I've driven dd2 away and how I was a dreadful wife and am a dreadful mother.
If it wasn't for ds and my mum there'd be no point to me being here. All I ever wanted was to be a mum and it turns out I have failed and am failing.
I wish I'd had mumsnet back when I was getting married and having children. I'd never have married. I'd have got out of that abusive relationship. But then I wouldn't have my children. I'd have at least known not to give up my career to be a SAHM getting abused for sitting on my fat arse all day and losing my decent pension prospects in the process. I wouldn't have breastfed them for as long as possible and would have put them into childcare and made myself financially independent.

I love my gurus dearly but the past 16 have broken ne.
I wish I could go away. Just me and ds for a long time or a fresh start. Where no one knows us or our past. Where my ex can't find us easily. Won't drive past on his way somewhere. Won't know the same people. Where there won't be all the negative associations. Where dd1 won't just be passing and manipulated me to do something then gaslight me about it. Where I can be invisible.
I am so done with this shit.

OP posts:

SeulementUneFois · 15/09/2023 17:19

Oh my god...so sorry to hear that OP.

DarkChocHolic · 15/09/2023 13:52

So sorry to hear this OP.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 15/09/2023 13:24

The alienation of dd2 has ramped up this week and she ran away to her dad's this week. No communication from him to even say she was there. Just abuse from dd1. She's now blocked. I can't deal with it anymore. Dd2's missed a day of school this week for no reason, missed a hospital appointment and been late to school twice. I can't go through this shit again. I feel like running away myself. Just taking ds and moving far away.

OP posts:

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 04/09/2023 14:25

I am hoping that the new school year brings lots of good things for your family,
@Alwaystoblame.

I agree, most of parenting is about consistency and constancy. You are nailing both of those.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 03/09/2023 21:40

Thank you for the kind words. They mean a great deal when I feel like I'm the things they accuse me of.
Dd starts college this week. I've no idea what day or times or anything. I'm sure her dad's current gf or ex or whoever will take her seeing as he's always st work. I doubt she'll even fully attend this first week. It will be too much of a shock to the system and are has to get 2 buses there and that's not something she'll tolerate for long. I'm so glad they won't have my contact details. If it's really bad then social services and the police have my number and how awful is that that it's even a thought in my head.
Ds has now said he doesn't want her in the house because of how she behaves and how much she upsets him. He's 8 and has been hurt so much by her. He adores her usually and always looked up to her but he has changed how he feels and whereas before he forgave easily and was always thrilled to see her now he's asking me not to let her in.
One positive is we have a family wraparound support worker starting with us soon and she is going to be be able to help ds, dd2 and me cope with the things we find tough. Dd2 needs better boundaries around her sister and father and help to stop responding to their emotional blackmail and abuse of me via her. I'm putting a lot of hope into this last chance saloon support.

Back to school for da and dd2 this week and done head space for me which is much needed after 6 weeks of no time to myself. A new academic year and a new chapter for dd. Let's hope she makes some better choices this year.

OP posts:

Createausername1970 · 02/09/2023 18:16

Just to say OP, I haven't read the entire thread, but I have been reading your posts.

You seem to be a great mum, doing your best for all your children. Your oldest DD is in a bad place, but you HAVE tried. She has to help herself, and although she is still very young, she can't be helped if she won't engage.

As DD matures, she may come to see things a bit clearer, and your relationship may improve in years to come. But for now, keep the door open for her, but prioritise your other children.

I have a family member who has found themselves in a similar situation - except he is the dad who believed all the bad things DS was saying about his ex. He agreed to DS coming to live with him, was a bit smug about being the "better parent". Within a very few weeks DS was behaving exactly the same towards him and his new partner and they very soon realised the ex wasn't as unreasonable and unhelpful as they thought.
DS has just failed all his GCSEs and family member is at a loss. DS has made noises about going back to his mum, but mum has made it very clear that ship has sailed.

itsgettingweird · 02/09/2023 15:29

I would mute the what's app. Then you won't get notifications of messages.

If you open an abusive one then delete it and don't respond or reply.

Just check her messages once a week when you have a the headspace.

You are an amazing mum but you cannot help someone who won't be helped.

greatblueheron · 31/08/2023 10:13

Have you considered moving, OP? You and your other children.

If it's at all possible, I would just quietly move with them, change all your numbers, make a new address/block her on the old one, and don't share the details with anyone who would tell her.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 31/08/2023 09:25

She has my email address and has used it before when I don't reply to any abuse. She usually engineers some drama and says her dad is being abusive in order to get back into contact. It gets reported to the police and social services and age gives statements to them then she says I exaggerated things and made her report it and it's not that bad and she takes it all back and wants to go back to her dad's so I'm no longer falling for that one. I'll just encourage her to report things herself. Whatever I do it's turned against me.

OP posts:

romdowa · 31/08/2023 09:14

riesenrad · 30/08/2023 16:20

Block her, but give her an email address to use. You can look at that when you are feeling mentally strong, but it doesn't cut off contact altogether.

This is probably the best idea. Your dd shouldn't be given a free pass to abuse you .

NeedToChangeName · 31/08/2023 08:05

@Alwaystoblame what a sad story. You sound like a great Mum. I hope your DD will turn her life around

exclusion · 31/08/2023 07:55

Oops, apologies, it's an old post so my message is no longer relevant!

exclusion · 31/08/2023 07:49

She can't do a managed move if she's
already been excluded. The only way that would happen would be if you successfully appealed and the former school agreed to change the reason from "exclusion" to "managed move". I doubt they will do this now.

A child I know was off school for four months as they couldn't find another school to accept him, despite the fact that the reason he was expelled was due to proven exploitation.

It looks very much like she will have to go to a PRU. Unfortunately she will end up with other troubled pupils with bad behaviours!

wizzywig · 31/08/2023 07:33

Kind if typical that she has gone for a course and career working with vulnerable people. Another set of people to bully. Which is so wrong. I hope she is able to show her true colours on the volunteering and course soon. I hope you're OK op

riesenrad · 30/08/2023 16:20

Block her, but give her an email address to use. You can look at that when you are feeling mentally strong, but it doesn't cut off contact altogether.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 30/08/2023 16:15

I've not responded to anything nasty for a long time but it doesn't stop her sending nasty messages. Anything not nasty I respond fairly neutrally to but include a kiss to avoid being told I'm being abrupt or obstructive or whatever. My boundaries are firm and consistent with her but this shit has been going on for years now and isn't getting any better. When are sees me she's usually gushing praise and positivity about me until she gets told no about something or something doesn't go her way. Then she's straight back to abusive. It's a fine line to tread with her and I'm constantly monitoring everything I say in person and in text. It's exhausting mentally. She only messages me when she wants something and if the answer is no then it's straight to abuse. Blocking her number avoids that. It doesn't mean are can't call with her number withheld and leave a message and I'll call her back, it just means I don't get abusive messages. It's headspace.

OP posts:

towriteyoumustlive · 30/08/2023 12:29

Alwaystoblame · 30/08/2023 11:53

She's finished school now and starts at college on Monday. Too late for a PRU. She missed all her ADHD assessments, didn't engage with any of the professionals trying to help her. She will only engage if they provide an echo chamber. She wants to be assessed for adhd but is insulting about her sister and I having autism. She really is vile. I'm sick of being told I'm abnormal and mentally ill by her and her father. I'm happily not normal but I object to the mentally ill seeing as it's not true and it's used as an insult and weapon against me. Blocking her number allows me not to be abused via text. She less vile in person.

I appreciate why you want to block her number but I don't think that's the right thing to do, despite how vile she is being.

If a message contains anything vile or unkind, just delete it. Reply politely to anything sensible she might ask. Don't even mention or respond to anything unkind.

She clearly has severe MH issues that she will have to work through, and maybe one day she will realise that it was you and you alone that was the consistent support in her life.

Stay strong and focus on the other two children.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 30/08/2023 11:53

She's finished school now and starts at college on Monday. Too late for a PRU. She missed all her ADHD assessments, didn't engage with any of the professionals trying to help her. She will only engage if they provide an echo chamber. She wants to be assessed for adhd but is insulting about her sister and I having autism. She really is vile. I'm sick of being told I'm abnormal and mentally ill by her and her father. I'm happily not normal but I object to the mentally ill seeing as it's not true and it's used as an insult and weapon against me. Blocking her number allows me not to be abused via text. She less vile in person.

OP posts:

Leah5678 · 30/08/2023 11:52

Alwaystoblame · 30/08/2023 10:19

I am completely done now. I can't listen to my little boy crying over how his sister treats him any longer. He doesn't deserve to be upset every time she deigns to see us.
Today she has enrolled at a college she hadn't even thought about let alone visited for some kind of health course. In fact she's never visited any college at all. She went with her dad's ex, the one who has significantly contributed to the situation she's in, and his current gf. The one he shags loudly in the next room to the kids when they both know the kids are awake 🤢 She's the type to call my daughter a spastic when she's goofing around so obviously a lovely woman How she's got on a course aiming to work with vulnerable people I'll never know, especially with only 3 GCSEs. I doubt she'll last long on the course given her attitude to attendance and learning. She's also volunteering somewhere for vulnerable people and they obviously don't know her background. Again, I don't think she'll last long but it's a worry. She's thanked me for my pathetic half arsed attempt at supporting her over the years but stated how blessed she is to have her dad's ex and probably soon to be ex supporting her because they believed in her. Her godmother who is a devout christian and never says a bad word about anybody thinks she is a disgrace. I don't think anyone on my side of the family has anything good to say about her these days and that's very sad. Her dad's family aren't too fond of her either from what her grandfather says. Before her dad left she was a loving, caring, funny, intelligent girl who could be a pain in the bum like any child but was a joy to be around. I look back and wonder what the hell happened. It makes me so so that we will never get back the person she was and I will never have a good relationship with her again. Too much shit has gone on and too many hurtful things said that are unforgivable. In many years we might have some kind of relationship but I don't think I will ever trust her. The one good thing is that college don't have my details so any drama there will not be for me to deal with. This coming academic year will be calm and drama free now after years of regular phone calls, emails, meetings, trips into school, calls to the police because she's gone missing, calls to social services etc. My friend recommends blocking her number but I find it hard to do that and she only goes through her sister or grandmother to get to me anyway. Her sister has majorly fallen out with her due to something she deems unforgivable so she might not be willing to do her any favours anyway. Maybe I should just block her and be done with it. She doesn't want me in her life so what's the point. She has her dad's harem to be her mum and says they are better ones. If I didn't have two other children I think I'd be dead because of how she's made me feel. I've fought for her and her future for years only to be constantly smacked in the face. I'm done.

Oh I just read this update it's good it's now dad's problem to deal with the school phone calls hopefully now he'll realise how bad she is and there will be no one left enabling her behaviour. Don't block her number though, there's hope she'll change I know lots of people who were demons at that age then had a complete change

Leah5678 · 30/08/2023 11:46

Face it she's a female dog, sounds harsh but it's true for now, hopefully she will grow out of it and change one day but for now she is vile. People here need to Stop reaching for the "has she got ADHD or autism". A lot of kids who actually have ADHD or autism are the ones getting beaten/bullied by people like this girl.
She needs PRU not another school where she will bully other children. Hopefully she'll meet someone tougher than her in Pru and be put in her place and learn the error of her ways or something. Pru now is better than prison later 🤷🏻‍♀️

Stompythedinosaur · 30/08/2023 10:45

Of course you shouldn't block her, she is a child!

I'm sorry things are hard (and they do sound very hard) but you can't wash your hands of your responsibility to her.

I think that taking a step back is reasonable, but cutting her off is unforgivable. She is saying and doing things to hurt you, clearly with some success, but I imagine she is also very hurt herself. One day she might need you. That sort of final rejection, whatever has happened, would be so damaging to her.

SeulementUneFois · 30/08/2023 10:36

OP

You should block her, and get your other children to do so as well.

Ideally ask your mother / grandmother/ sister to stop relaying messages from her as well.