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Original poster

Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

635 replies

Alwaystoblame · 27/05/2022 14:10

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 22/10/2023 19:15

It doesn't matter if the relationship bw your son and eldest dd improves (well obviously it does but not in this context) if her relationship with you is still fractured. Christmas will be spent on tenterhooks and chances are it will all blow up in your face again. It's not just about protecting your ds, or even yourself, it's about protecting the fragile relationship with your dd. The more times you go round the loop and fail, the more this negative and destructive cycle is reinforced.
.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 22/10/2023 18:42

I'm hoping that the family worker can help but realistically they haven't even fully assessed dd2 yet so there's no hope of assessing ds and dd1 and working with them before Christmas. I am going to ask my friend and neighbour who knows us all well if she would mediate. She has lots of experience with troubled teens and used to work in schools for behavioural problems.

OP posts:
DarkChocHolic · 22/10/2023 18:09

OP..
I agree with others.
You need to safeguard DS...
For his sake, don't let the girls over for Christmas.

OhmygodDont · 22/10/2023 15:43

I wouldn’t let her come without some serious change.

However I would take something to the fact she claims she wants to be with you over Christmas but I still wouldn’t let her just get her way. She’s already with her fathers clearly influenced her sister don’t let them get their claws into ds too.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 22/10/2023 15:37

Last year Christmas was quite sad without her. It would be this year too but I have e erroné else to think about too, not just her. And she wouldn't be asking if her dad wasn't working so I feel used.
Last week I was 5 mins walk from her dads and it was her day off college so I said about meeting up for lunch or just to say hi.. She was too busy. This was less than 24 hours after turning up at mine saying she missed me and wanted to spend more time with me.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 22/10/2023 15:05

@Alwaystoblame

I told Dd 1 she could spend Christmas with one of the girlfriends seeing as they are better mums than me but she said they will never replace me and Christmas isn't right if she's not at home. Should have thought about that before then.

Sadly actions have consequences - and she's old enough to know that. 🌹

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 22/10/2023 14:19

I know😔 a few weeks ago she told me her dad's many girlfriends had been better mothers to her in a short space of time than I had in her whole life. Dd2 said something similar this week but she's just parroting what dd1 and their dad and his girlfriends say. Being a good mum equals saying yes and having no rules or consequences in their eyes. I can't be that kind of mum because that's not parenting. That's not preparing them for adulthood.
I told Dd 1 she could spend Christmas with one of the girlfriends seeing as they are better mums than me but she said they will never replace me and Christmas isn't right if she's not at home. Should have thought about that before then.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 22/10/2023 13:19

Porcupineintherough · 22/10/2023 12:44

It's crazy that you are considering it tbh. Christmas is a pressure cooker- far too much pressure for things to go well and if it doesn't the fallout is twice as bad. Invite her after Christmas if you must but the state of the relationship between you suggests that overnights aren't really suitable right now.

I'm inclined to agree - plus your other children will be so anxious about her in close physical proximity in the run up to Christmas and on the actual day itself. 🌹

Porcupineintherough · 22/10/2023 12:44

It's crazy that you are considering it tbh. Christmas is a pressure cooker- far too much pressure for things to go well and if it doesn't the fallout is twice as bad. Invite her after Christmas if you must but the state of the relationship between you suggests that overnights aren't really suitable right now.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 22/10/2023 12:02

Not great but not too bad either thanks.
Dd1 wants to come for Christmas. This is after reporting me to social services 4 weeks ago saying I was abusing her sister. Telling me to get off my arse and get a job and how I talk shit and am a weirdo. She doesn't want to spend Christmas with her dads latest gf and her kids because he's working all day. Ds doesn't want her here for Christmas. I've told her she needs to work with the family worker and make progress especially with her brother before I'll consider it.

OP posts:
DarkChocHolic · 21/10/2023 14:00

@Alwaystoblame
How are you doing?
Hope you and DS are coping.
Xx

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 20/09/2023 18:22

I'm feeling better today. This thread helps keep me sane and is a good way of getting my thoughts and feelings out.
Dd2 is with my mum who is hoping to talk to her and make her see some sense. There's a family care worker kind of service who are working with us and will see her regularly although she's currently refusing. Either that or a social worker though and she'll hate that.
The luxuries I pay for monthly that are just for her have been cancelled. They are not something I am prepared to pay for considering the recent attitude and entitled behaviour.
Christmas is going to be bloody miserable if she's not here. It was very sad without dd1 last year. It would be awful without both girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 19/09/2023 21:32

I'd change the locks but I can see it now with exH telling a judge how I changed the locks and locked my own daughter out of her own home. Whatever I do is always used against me. Eggshell Walker, that's me.

OP posts:
greatblueheron · 19/09/2023 19:36

I think you need to change your locks, OP. Harsh, but you can't trust either girl at this point.

Newestname002 · 19/09/2023 17:32

@Alwaystoblame

We have a family trip booked next month and she has become so flakey that I've taken the decision that she's not coming with ds and me.

Do DD1 and DD2 have their own keys to your home and, so, able to let themselves in and out of your home whilst you're away? 🌹

Createausername1970 · 19/09/2023 17:01

Its an awful situation you find yourself in. I think you are probably handing it much the same way I would hope that I would i.e. not trying to force anything on either DD1 or DD2, take a step right back and let things play out howsoever they will, but don't influence things one way or the other. Engage with positive interactions with them, ignore the negative ones, but don't instigate anything in case it is "used against you" at a later date.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 19/09/2023 10:52

Ds doesn't want to move. We might have to for financial reasons but for now we are staying put.
Dd2 has the attitude that she can come and go as she pleases with no commitment to seeing me at any particular time unless her mood allows for it. She actually said that. We have a family trip booked next month and she has become so flakey that I've taken the decision that she's not coming with ds and me. She wants things to be more equal between her dad's and here but so far I've seen her once and briefly in a week and she won't commit to seeing me again. She says it's her choice what she does. There's a court order in place that says she lives with me and exH is airways saying it's not simple that she lives with him and will need to go to court. He loves court. If we go again it might be visit number 25. I've found out another woman apart from his current girlfriend or any of his exes stay at his overnight to look after dd1 when he's on nights. It's madness.

OP posts:
moggiek · 17/09/2023 14:36

greatblueheron totally agree.

greatblueheron · 17/09/2023 14:20

moggiek · 17/09/2023 12:37

What do you think she’s been doing for the last 16 years??

Show quote history

She has. Of course she has. But now, at this point in time, she may need to move. She herself has said that moving might be the best thing ... but her own mum won't move. And now is the time to tell her own mum that this is what needs to happen for her own well being and that of her son.

She's just lost her second daughter to her useless, rule-free, no school/appointments/responsibilities if you don't want to go/do them Ex, and is being abused verbally by both daughters who feel free to wander in and out of her home/life criticising her.

Moving would fix a lot of this and protect her son from them.

PonyPatter44 · 17/09/2023 12:54

I would move, somewhere that is still in reach of your mum's place, but in the opposite direction to where you are now. Quite honestly I would be afraid of my DS being sucked into all the same bullshit, hence the move. Keep the lines of communication open with the girls, ignore/ delete all nasty messages but respond positively to the good ones.

As you know, mental illness and neurodiversity is massively heritable, which is driving your girls' behaviour.... so do whatever you have to do to stop ex's insanity infecting your son as well. You are a good person, you are a fighter, you can do this.

moggiek · 17/09/2023 12:37

greatblueheron · 17/09/2023 11:28

You need to move.

You need to prioritise your children. Make it clear to your mum that they have to come first, and she can move as well if she continues to want/need you to look after her. Otherwise, she can make other care arrangements.

You brought your children into the world. You have to put them first.

What do you think she’s been doing for the last 16 years??

greatblueheron · 17/09/2023 11:28

You need to move.

You need to prioritise your children. Make it clear to your mum that they have to come first, and she can move as well if she continues to want/need you to look after her. Otherwise, she can make other care arrangements.

You brought your children into the world. You have to put them first.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 17/09/2023 11:15

I can't really move away because I'm my mum's carer and she wouldn't want to move. There's not w ouch room for me to move in with her.

I'm now being told by dd1 that I'll be taken to court over dd2. No idea why. If dd2 wants to live with her dad then I'm not fighting over it. I've got no fight left. She wants to be a doctor and will be throwing that away living with him because there'll be no study support. She was absent one day last week and late twice out of the 3 days she was with him and that's the way it will be. She'll end up just like dd1.

OP posts:
NunsKnickers · 16/09/2023 09:43

Another voice here echoing the moving suggestion.

You sound broken and you need and deserve to put yourself and your DS first.

Sending much sympathy and support.

Createausername1970 · 16/09/2023 09:40

Oh dear I am sorry. Can you move? Is that a possibility to plan and aim to be elsewhere by June next year? So your son starts a new school before the end of the school year? I suppose it depends on his age/exams and whether he is willing. A fresh start for you and your son.