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Original poster

Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

635 replies

Alwaystoblame · 27/05/2022 14:10

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 27/11/2023 10:19

When she comes here there's always a reason that necessitates involving the police and social services and this disrupts the whole household. This time it involves another family too. I'm walking on egg shells all the time and having to deal with the police and social services and now college tutors too.

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Porcupineintherough · 27/11/2023 08:07

Maybe just pick your battles?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 27/11/2023 08:00

I feel anxious and exhausted. She's used to being able to do what she likes at her dad's and struggles to follow any rules here like no vaping in the house. She asked if her boyfriend could come round for dinner yesterday so I cooked a roast and didn't get so much as a thank you from either of them, never mind an offer to help clear up. When I said something she looked upset because her dad expects her to clear the kitchen. I said she just needs to help, not do it all herself.
She's already backtracking on what she said last week about how her dad was behaving towards her. She says what he's doing is abusive but he's not abusing her. Not sure how that one works. Then the gaslighting has started this morning over her personal hygiene. She has BO. She showered but doesn't actually wash so she's putting deodorant or body spray over dried on sweat. She doesn't brush her teeth at night. She smells. But no, it's just me who can smell it, nobody else.
She's failing college and wants me to go to a meeting instead of her dad but I can't due to other commitments and it's short notice (tomorrow).
She keeps going off to get more stuff to bring here then comes back but says she needs to go again because she forgot x,y,z.
She's keeping her sister and me up until gone midnight messing about and I'm feeling the strain.

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DarkChocHolic · 26/11/2023 18:52

@Alwaystoblame
That's crap the police weren't serious.
I hope you have better luck with social services.
How are you holding up?
Hope you and DS are OK.
Xx

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/11/2023 20:06

Police useless. Said it's a social issue. I'm pretty sure child abuse is a crime.

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Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/11/2023 16:54

The police are on their way here now to go through the latest allegations with her. It's like a theme park where we just get on and off pretty much the same ride over and over again with the odd calm but in the picnic area in between.

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DarkChocHolic · 25/11/2023 16:36

@Alwaystoblame
I cannot imagine how you go through this over and over again. I really feel for you.
You have been through this before and you will this time too.
Have zero expectations from DD1 but set some basic boundaries for your own peace of mind.
If she downplays to social services, nothing you can do.
Tell her she has food and a roof at yours...you will offer her a safe space and nothing more..but you will not be abused or let your other kids be traumatised.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 25/11/2023 11:07

She's back home after yet another abusive experience with her dad. She arrived here shaking at midnight. I'm already waiting for social services to phone about dd2 and will be adding the latest incidents with dd1 to the long, long history of events they have documented. The problem is that she always backs down on what she's told me and says it wasn't as bad as she made out or that I'm exaggerating. She's trauma bonded to him.
College isn't going too well. No surprise there. She's missed about weeks so far and is behind with her work. Her dad is moving in with his gf so she's being uprooted to a place with no easy way to get to her friends or college.

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Lindy2 · 19/11/2023 10:04

I'm glad things are improving a little.

If you do decide to invite her for Christmas I agree with keeping things flexible. Say she's welcome to join you. "There will be presents in the morning and lunch at x o'clock, come along and join in for whenever you want".

That way you're not waiting around and can carry on your day as you wish. She also has no set time pressure to get there or leave at any certain time, which if she is demand avoidant, could help.

Legofigure · 19/11/2023 10:03

Why is the carer element of your UC only £67? It should be £185.86.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 19/11/2023 09:55

@Newestname002 yes I get £67 in my UC for caring for my mum and she gets AA and gives some to me but mainly it pays for her physio and gardeners and transport. It's not recognised as working though by anyone except my mum and my friend who is also a carer for a family member and knows how much work it actually is. If I was earning £100k a year I'd still be seen as somehow lesser by my daughters and ex. Not that he matters but he influences what the dds think.

Dd1 is improving and talks to me regularly so I'm holding onto that.

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Createausername1970 · 19/11/2023 07:13

Don't over think it. Easy for me to say, though.
The important thing is that the relationship is improving, slowly.

The fact that you have gifts under the tree despite everything she has put you through this year is what she will remember in the future. If the quantity looks comparable to the others, then I wouldn't worry about the cost.

As you know, you can't wave a magic wand and make it right, you can only hope they find the right path in life. The best you can do is light their way. Which you are doing.

My only suggestion would be to not set a time to arrive. Say "we are eating at 1.00, join us if you would like, but I will plate some up for you, you can have it later". If the pressure is off to arrive by a certain time, would that, perversely, help to get her there earlier?

sollenwir · 19/11/2023 05:50

Lavenderlast · 27/05/2022 14:47

I do know two quite devout Christian schools that accepted excluded pupils, but in those cases the pupil was remorseful. Basically if dd is up for asking for forgiveness and a second chance you mind find a religious school open to the idea.

Otherwise ask the LA what to do. For major behaviour issues I’ve read that a pupil referral unit is nicer for the child as they get more individual attention

Forgiveness from whom?
Surely this is about supporting the child to at least achieve some qualifications and/or find her way in life/back to education.

Newestname002 · 19/11/2023 01:54

@Alwaystoblame

I don't get a penny for her (and rightly so be s'use she doesn't live with me) but with me being a carer for my mum I don't have a "proper job" as I'm always told and therefore no income apart from UC and the bit my mum gives me for helping her.

Are you doing 35+ hours care for your mother? If so you could claim Carers Allowance which is around £75/week. Check it out in the gov.uk website. 🌹

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 18/11/2023 21:27

Things are improving with DD's attitude and she's in contact with me and actually phones to speak to me. I can't rely on her to turn up and after she turned up for dinner 2 hours later than I'd said to be here and then left without saying goodbye I've told her she won't be invited again. She was 3 hours late to her grandmothers a few days earlier after failing to turn up here twice.
I'm going back and forth in my mind over Christmas. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't and will be upset either way as will her siblings. She wants to be here. Then there's the issue of presents. I don't get a penny for her (and rightly so be s'use she doesn't live with me) but with me being a carer for my mum I don't have a "proper job" as I'm always told and therefore no income apart from UC and the bit my mum gives me for helping her. The dds' dad gives me a pittance for dd2. I'm worried that she will be upset I've spent less on her than her siblings. Last year I had to ask if she'd even opened her gifts which was hurtful as they just weren't mentioned and it appears her dad had left them in his car and not put them under the tree. Here she has a stocking and a small sack with her name on plus a gift from Father Christmas under the tree along with a bigger Santa sack as not much fits in the small one. Its not all from me I hasten to add! It's always a very special Christmas morning with my mum and her siblings. Her dad's is just so different and there's no effort at all.
The whole thing is just making me sad and worried. She has a similar number of presents to the her siblings but I've not spent as much. I keep thinking should I have made it equal? Then I think of everything she's done which most recently is calling social services accusing me of abusing dd2. That was 2 months ago. Ugh!
I'm just off loading really.
She's at college and has missed a fair bit of time but otherwise seems to be enjoying it and has made some new friends who appear to be a good influence.
I'm still worried about her with her lying and lifestyle but she's far more settled and is wanting to repair our relationship.
I live in Hope as always of better times.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 30/10/2023 11:14

Glad to see DD2 has seen the light. Hope she apologised for her behaviour.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/10/2023 10:53

I'm glad to read DD2 is back. I was really sad seeing your previous update. I hope the 3 of you plus your mum can have a nice Christmas together.

SeulementUneFois · 27/10/2023 14:48

Stay strong OP!
Her latest outburst is further proof of what she'd be like at Christmas if you said yes to her. She'd ruin it for everyone.

You can tell her that.
She needs to learn that her behaviour has consequences.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 23/10/2023 10:34

My mum is in good health really, she is physically disabled but ok otherwise, and her dad lived to 90 as did his dad so I've no reason to think this might be her last Christmas anymore than she's now in her 80s. Dd1 is just being cruel there.
I maintain she only wants to be here because her dad is working and is trying to guilt trip me. It won't work.

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Newestname002 · 23/10/2023 09:03

This is all so hard @Alwaystoblame but you are staying strong. Please have no doubt that what you have currently decided is the right decision to protect DD2, DS, your mother and yourself.

Having DD1 with you at Christmas, with her very possibly negative, verbal/mental aggression will ruin the time you are planning, particularly if this might be your DM's last Christmas with you. 🌹

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 23/10/2023 00:25

I've told her no. She's trying to guilt me into changing my mind because it might be my mum's last Christmas and how I've cutting her off from everybody and stopping the family from being together and having a happy Christmas. She's insulted me, called me by my first name, blamed me for everything and refused to engage with the chat with ds unless she controls it all and gets her dad involved or my estranged sister! My ds is nothing to do with her dad thank goodness and my sister is going nowhere near my boy. She's excluded from my life for good reason.

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TheHateIsNotGood · 22/10/2023 20:34

Your DD is seriously fucked off with her parents (no matter where fault lies) and is 'acting out' and due to her disdain for the main 'authoritative' figures in her life (her parents) she has little regard for any authority, including school.

As she's not the only child for either of her parents to consider, what other options does she have other than to 'rebel'? I was that kid many years ago, I'm 61 now and my life didn't go all tits up because of it.

Just go with the PRU offerings for now - managed moves are shite (my own ds22 is autistic and that's a different ball game) - give your DD enough space to flow along until she finds herself again.

It could be really ok.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 22/10/2023 20:33

Dd2 will be here. She didn't last long at her dads! She's been back here for a month.

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Beautiful3 · 22/10/2023 20:23

Honestly, it's your d1 bad influence on d2. Let them go, and kept them at arms length for the sake of your son. Enjoy Xmas day with your son and mum. They daughters want to be with their dad and girlfriend, don't have them on Xmas day.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 22/10/2023 20:17

Very true. The problem is I dated if I do and damned if I don't. If I say no I'll be a dreadful mother. If I say yes there's the very real risk of things being said that will damage Christmas. My Mum is 84 and is here for Christmas so it's important that her Christmas is relaxing and lovely. I can never win.

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