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AIBU?

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Original poster

Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

635 replies

Alwaystoblame · 27/05/2022 14:10

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

OP posts:
Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 28/05/2022 14:12

I’ve read your posts about begging others to help. I’ve not read your updates about reading HER the riot act or what consequences you have put in place. She should be in an environment for people with abhorrent behaviour.

StaunchMomma · 28/05/2022 14:12

Managed moves are for children that haven't been permanently excluded. It's literally a swapping of 'problem' students in the hope of giving them a fresh start and to avoid permanent exclusion.

I really don't see why a good school would want to take on an excluded child in year 10, sorry. The LA would have tried already. I don't think they can force schools to take permanently excluded kids, though.

Have you looked at a PRU, alternative provision or home schooling?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 28/05/2022 14:12

No money for private education and I do think her behaviour would just continue. At a pru she would have better access to assessments for adhd and pda. She can behave beautifully. When it serves her purpose. But she can't maintain that façade.

OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 28/05/2022 14:07

Bovrilly · 28/05/2022 13:37

I'm afraid I don't agree. The original op didn't mention what her dd had done. That took many posts later.

The original OP was asking about options for DC who are excluded. Asking one question doesn't mean the OP isn't also thinking about other things. She even says:

I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

So if you can't help with the question she's asking, maybe find the other threads and offer advice / have a go at her there or scroll on by.

I have not had a go at anyone.

I'm making the point that she needs to think about the impact her daughter is having on other children if she pushes for mainstream.

Excuse me for having a different opinion to you.

You're the one having a go at me.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 28/05/2022 14:04

NotMyCircusNotMyCircus · 28/05/2022 14:02

Slightly left field suggestion, but if you have some money you may be able to find a local private school that's struggling with pupil numbers and isn't particularly fussy so long as you can pay.

One of the private schools local to me is decent but has really struggled with pupil numbers since a brand new very desirable state school opened up down the road.

With her current behavioral issues, I very much doubt she would get a place, even if struggling for numbers.

rocketfromthecrypt · 28/05/2022 14:02

It sounds (from what you've said about ancient woodlands etc) that she's had many opportunities and indulgences but they've done her no good whatsoever. Maybe having those luxuries stripped from her in a PRU is exactly what she needs. I have no sympathy for bullies.

To those posters suggesting she might have a neurological issue: maybe she does, or maybe she's just a nasty piece of work. Not every bad behaviour can be blamed on medical issues.

NotMyCircusNotMyCircus · 28/05/2022 14:02

Slightly left field suggestion, but if you have some money you may be able to find a local private school that's struggling with pupil numbers and isn't particularly fussy so long as you can pay.

One of the private schools local to me is decent but has really struggled with pupil numbers since a brand new very desirable state school opened up down the road.

Johnnysgirl · 28/05/2022 14:01

Leave the next approach to her, op. You can't influence what's going to happen next in any meaningful way, unfortunately.

CPL593H · 28/05/2022 14:01

I agree with others that a PRU might give her the boundaries, support and frankly the shock she needs to get back on track. Her behaviour is not just truanting and backchatting teachers but violent and abusive to people younger than herself, which is appalling. If she continues down that road in adult life, she will be seeing the inside of far worse than a PRU.

I think you've done what you can for now OP and need to step back and avoid being played by both her and her father.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 28/05/2022 14:00

@Branleuse she's blocked me so I can't speak with her at all. She's told me to get out of her life. That's the last thing she said to me.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/05/2022 13:58

OP. have you asked her what she thinks of the situation. Was she expecting to get excluded?
I would try and talk to her and get her real feelings. Dont get defensive if she insults you, maybe ask her to clarify why she thinks that, but dont argue it.
Ask if she has any thoughts about exams and college or what she wants to do when she leaves home. She seems to think education is something thats done to her against her will, rather than an opportunity, so id want to explore it

starlingdarling · 28/05/2022 13:57

I know it's hard but I think you need to let her ruin everything now and wait until she realises and asks for help. At least as a child she has some chance of getting her life back on track later. She can re do GCSEs later if it comes to it. Better that than find ways to bail her out so she doesn't learn and ends up knifing someone in a pub at 18.

Beautiful3 · 28/05/2022 13:57

Around here they get sent to a pupil referral unit (down the road), we call the "naughty school".

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 28/05/2022 13:54

I'm a bit all over the place at the moment with this and needing to process things by talking through the situation. I'm my elderly mum's carer, have ASD and ADD myself along with chronic health conditions and DD2 is likely on the spectrum too. I have a lot on my plate right now and need to process this in the way I am doing. I didn't put any of this in my OP because I didn't want any derails. I'd forgotten how some aibu posters like to be horrible sometimes but on the whole I've had a lot of support here and am grateful. I now know far more about the exclusion process and am prepared for what happens next.

OP posts:
Spidey66 · 28/05/2022 13:37

(1st to 5th year)

Bovrilly · 28/05/2022 13:37

I'm afraid I don't agree. The original op didn't mention what her dd had done. That took many posts later.

The original OP was asking about options for DC who are excluded. Asking one question doesn't mean the OP isn't also thinking about other things. She even says:

I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

So if you can't help with the question she's asking, maybe find the other threads and offer advice / have a go at her there or scroll on by.

Spidey66 · 28/05/2022 13:36

My friend's son was excluded from school and ended up in a PRU. I think it was before your child ie year ?9 (sorry I'm old and don't have kids so I think of secondary schools as 1st to 4th year. Anyway the year they start GCSE courses.) Anyway, it was the making of him. He did really, really well there, the staff were fantastic and he ended up back in mainstream education (but not the school he left.) My friend was supportive of both him (while she knew he was no angel) and of the school and I think that helped....a lot of the kids there had parents that were either not bothered or downright entitled.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 28/05/2022 13:34

@Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom have you actually read my threads and posts? I am in no way minimising her behaviour. I encouraged her victim's mum to go to the police and have her arrested so that she learns she can't do these things. I've been supporting her victim as she is a friend of ours. I have worked with school and social services and camhs on her behaviour to try and stop it getting to this point. I have begged for their help and sought help anywhere I could think of. She won't engage. Her behaviour is abhorrent. There's no excuse for it and I have always said that which is why she doesn't like me because I won't excuse it like her dad does.

OP posts:
Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom · 28/05/2022 13:28

You are massively under reacting to her horrific behaviour. Your DD shouldn’t be in main stream school. She is a violent bully.

You can try to absolve responsibility but she also your daughter. Your bar is set way too low. University?!she could end up seriously hurting someone. Work with a referral unit, show some tough love. Those poor kids in her school

Crocsandshocks · 28/05/2022 13:26

How about home schooling? It sounds like the institution of school doesn't suit her.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 28/05/2022 13:25

She's blocked me now after telling me to stay out of her fucking life. She'll unblock me when her dad says no about something and she'll want me to fix things for her. It's exhausting the back and forth.

OP posts:
ohdelay · 28/05/2022 13:23

SD1978 · 28/05/2022 00:29

I'm sorry- and I know it goes against everything that you want to do- but stop. If she and him reckon that it's all going to be plain sailing getting in somewhere- leave them to it. Let her know she's always got your love and support, and be there when it all falls down. Let her and her dad sort it, since they seem to think they can

OP this feels like where you are now. Stand firm with your boundaries and stop chasing them.

justasking111 · 28/05/2022 13:22

Alwaystoblame · 27/05/2022 23:56

My friend used to work in the PRU nearest to me. She says it is like a prison where the doors are kept locked and break time is spent in a yard with 8ft high spiked fencing. The gates are opened for drop off and pick up but otherwise locked as are the doors. It's a small school. It used to be a small primary school and is surrounded by fields. The other PRU is in a deprived area, again in a previous primary school, and is very urban with no green spaces nearby. She's used to looking out at green fields, ancient woodland and wildlife and having fantastic facilities . The staff where she is are excellent. They genuinely care and are so approachable and nurturing. My own experience of several high schools involved no nurturing at all. My emotions are fluctuating on this and I feel quite angry now that she has thrown away such a fantastic place for the sake of a toxic friendship. Dd is as equally to blame as the awful girl she is partner in crime with and school agree that Dd has no hope of improving if she stays in the same school as her friend. She's such a fool. She's not really talking to me at the moment but I hope she will as I'd like to know how she's feeling and to tell her face to face that I'm always there for her. 15 is still so young and she has lost her way badly.

Frankly this is all she deserves now. Bite the bullet and send her there. You've tried so hard to no avail

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 28/05/2022 13:21

I tried to get her assessed a few years back for adhd and ASD but she didn't get past the screening appointment. Her dad won't hear of it as according to him her behaviour is only a problem when the relationship between her and me isn't all good ie when I say no to something.

OP posts:
maskersanonymous · 28/05/2022 13:12

NettleTea I was wondering whether there had been a ASD, particularly PDA, assessment too.

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