Page 2 | Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

Alwaystoblame · 2022-05-27T13:10:34+00:00

Posting for traffic. How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes. I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

SD1978 · 04/07/2024 06:18

@Alwaystoblame , I've always read your threads- did she move in/ away with dad as she planned? How are the other 2 getting on

Crazycrazylady · 02/07/2024 18:49

Honestly some time people who come from loving caring families go off the rails despite having lots of support. You've done everything you can for her and honesty there is no silver bullet that a social worker can use on her at this point in her life. You need to step back from her and focus on your other children whose lives you can influence.

Ellie56 · 02/07/2024 10:45

@Alwaystoblame You've done all you can do. You know you have. Just focus on your other two children while you wait for her to grow up and see the light.

Lindy2 · 02/07/2024 08:34

I'm sorry things are still do difficult.

Is she still living with her dad?

Did being in court have any impact on her?

Despite your user name, you are not to blame. She's making her own choices and sadly they are bad ones. Sometimes there's nothing more you can do.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 01/07/2024 16:29

I've just found this old thread and to update nothing has improved. She was kicked out of college and then off another course and was in court a month ago for shoplifting after being arrested in the spring. The sw is shite. Absolutely useless.

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MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 13/02/2024 16:23

Have they said why they closed it? How old is your daughter now, am wondering if she's nearing 18 (if my maths are right?) Are they thinking of adult services more appropriate? Has she been engaging with the sw? What does she want or think she needs input wise?

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 13/02/2024 09:54

The social worker has closed the case after doing fuck all. I'm really angry that after so many referrals that they've done exactly the same: nothing. They undetstand my concerns but case closed. It's a joke.

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DarkChocHolic · 04/02/2024 12:58

@Alwaystoblame
Glad to hear that DD2 and DS are doing well.
You have to take solace from that.
There is nothing you can do about DD1. Leave that to her idiotic dad to deal with.
I hope you are doing as ok as you can and practicing a bit of self care for your own sanity.
Take care
Xx

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 03/02/2024 20:27

Dd has now left college and is doing nothing. She and her dad are moving any day now and she has told me I am dead to her. I've not seen her since Christmas Day. She's not seen her grandmother or her brother since Christmas Day. She's still doing what she was arrested for and hasn't learnt a thing from that. She won't engage with services at all now. I don't know where the SW is up to because I've not heard from here but another agency involved are very concerned and were speaking to the SW last I knew. Other agency has no concerns about me or my parenting. I'm just awaiting to major drama that will accompany the house move. It's going to go nuclear I fear. Not here, but there and her dad's new gf that they are moving in with is going to wonder what the hell hit her.

Dd2 is much better than she was and little ds is pretty settled and happy now although I'm not taking it for granted.

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Andante57 · 08/01/2024 15:32

I’ve read this thread op, and I’m in awe at your patience and tolerance.
I so hope for all your family there can be some improvement in your dd’s behaviour.
You sound like an amazing person.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 08/01/2024 14:17

Because of the way her Dad is its been impossible for you to maintain boundaries and enforce consequences and even to give her regular support. You haven't failed, as you feared in a previous post, but you also can't save her from herself, no one can do that. She's the only one that can decide she wants to change and accept the proffered help.

I did notice reading over a couple of months that you're understandably grasping at any sign her behaviour is changing and then it hits harder when she takes off again. You're in a cycle of trying to disengage when she takes off, then something volatile happens and she's back briefly and seems to be listening and being reasonable and you get your hopes up then they get smashed again. It might be worthwhile to find a way you can't step back a little so that next time she turns up again you can hold the boundaries you and your DS and even DD2 need to keep you all safe.

As much as we might wish things were different, the only way she's going to be saved is if she decides firstly that she has a problem and then asks for help and engages with that help and makes changes. Even if she did all those things it would still be a long rough road. I hope the new social worker can help your DS and DD2 and make your life a little easier too.

DarkChocHolic · 07/01/2024 21:21

How are you doing @Alwaystoblame
Hope the new social worker is able to bring some calm to the chaos.
Thinking of you.
Xx

Newestname002 · 29/12/2023 16:40

Alwaystoblame · 29/12/2023 10:12

We never do anything for new year. In fact it always makes me feel depressed. I'll watch the sound of music as is tradition but otherwise nothing.

The new social worker seems a good one who is going to treat us holistically. That's new. Usually they are absolutely useless and dangerous but this one seems very good so I'm hopeful. I'm not convinced she will be taken in by my exH's nonsense as she can already see through Dd. I can but hope!

Fingers crossed for the new SS Worker. It would be great to start the new year with something positive. 🌹

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 29/12/2023 10:12

We never do anything for new year. In fact it always makes me feel depressed. I'll watch the sound of music as is tradition but otherwise nothing.

The new social worker seems a good one who is going to treat us holistically. That's new. Usually they are absolutely useless and dangerous but this one seems very good so I'm hopeful. I'm not convinced she will be taken in by my exH's nonsense as she can already see through Dd. I can but hope!

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Birdkin · 28/12/2023 13:25

I hope you are able to enjoy the rest of the holidays with your DS and DD2 OP. Are you doing anything nice for NYE?

Newestname002 · 28/12/2023 13:20

You've had great reserves of strength @Alwaystoblame - you must have, to still be standing after everything you've been through to date. You are not a super-being, but a woman who's been pushed to the end of her tether mentally and physically over and over again and is surviving. Good that your mother has seen with her own eyes how bad DD1 can be so hopefully you'll get some emotional support from her now. Wishing you strength, and some peace, for the future. 🌹

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 27/12/2023 23:16

Dd2 says dd1 carried on the drama at their dad's and caused dd2 to cry herself to sleep after a huge argument. Dd2 can't remember the details but is still upset now that she's home with me.
Dd1 has blamed her mental health but she uses this to excuse her poor behaviour and won't engage with mental health services.
I've reassured dd2 and ds that she's not allowed here again. She's not going to be permitted to spoil anything again. Now my mum has witnessed it there'll be no pressure there.
I wish I'd put my foot down and said no to Christmas but in a way I'm glad that everyone has witnessed what I've put up with for years and understands why I didn't want to risk Christmas being spoilt.
I still feel awful for not wanting my own daughter here. It really upsets me and I feel like I've failed her but I'm trying so hard to get her the help she needs and get us all the help we need. I'll never give up on her but I won't allow her to continue to treat us so badly. I can't stop dd2 seeing her sister because she'll see her at their dad's but I can completely protect ds. Dd2 will protect herself to some extent because she'll decide not to go to her dad's if need be. I feel tearful tonight after keeping a stiff upper lip over Christmas.

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Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 26/12/2023 17:35

If I'd said she couldn't come then dd2, ds and my mum would have been upset with me and said I'm not being fair because despite everything we all wanted her here because we love her and to have a nice Christmas. Ds originally said he didn't want her here but changed his mind. There was no way to win this one and keep most people happy.
We now have a family worker who is starting work with all the dc next month. I'm hoping that will help. Ds is going to have sessions around his feelings and experiences to help him process them.
It's just ds and me today having a nice chilled day snuggled on the sofa watching films and playing with his Christmas presents. He's been a little sad at times and is getting lots of cuddles and the chance the talk.
Parenting dd2 is very difficult due to her dad trying his best to alienate her from me but the work the family worker is going to do with her is going to help with this.
I'm doing my best here. I did everything I could to try and accommodate everybody's needs for Christmas. Next year I'm not doing it. Whatever I do I'm being unreasonable snd she critisizes everything so what's the point.
Dd1 had lots of thoughtful presents that she loved. She was included in everything but kept disappearing off and saying she can't deal with other people. She had the cheek to say I was manipulating her, that I need therapy and that she was walking on eggshells. She's a great projector!!

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Porcupineintherough · 25/12/2023 21:54

You knew this would happen @Alwaystoblame, it was entirely predictable. In fact you did predict it, months ago. Perhaps you should worry less about "being the bad guy" (to whom? why do you care?) and concentrate more on parenting. Starting with your younger two children who badly need a calm, secure home.

Newestname002 · 25/12/2023 20:24

@Alwaystoblame

I was in an impossible position and my mum wanted her here for Christmas and if I'd said no I'd be a bad guy and if I said yes it would end up like this. Everyone has seen what she is like today.

The day sounds exhausting in every way dear OP. You tried your utmost best, in the face of your mother who maybe hadn't really understood for herself how bad your daughter could be and, sadly, you and your other children were also adversely affected. It is so hard as you have a sense of duty to your daughter and love her, but you need to take more care of yourself or you'll burn out and then where will you be? 🌹

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 25/12/2023 17:22

She kicked off yesterday but calmed down and apologised. She wanted everyone to give in to her and wasn't happy when we said now. She apologised and I apologised for not seeing her side of things.
Today was off the scale though. Threatening to call the police on me, accusing me of theft because I wouldn't let her have a vape. Nope, not in my house, she knows that's the rule. She thought the police would be interested in me withholding a vape that she's not legally allowed to have.
She said some awful things about me to my mum, upset everyone, disowned me then left and got her dad's ex to take her home. She's taken all her presents so she's quite happy to have those from me. She never wants to hear from me again. I'm not her mother.
Yes, I knew she'd spoil it. I was in an impossible position and my mum wanted her here for Christmas and if I'd said no I'd be a bad guy and if I said yes it would end up like this. Everyone has seen what she is like today. It was always going to be a problem.
Thanks for the ear as always x

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DarkChocHolic · 25/12/2023 16:58

@Alwaystoblame
Awww...so sorry she was her usual self.
Atleast you tried...now you don't have to feel guilty.

greatblueheron · 25/12/2023 15:37

While I'm sorry she's ruined the day, the hard cold reality is you knew she would.

She hasn't changed.
So her behaviour was never going to change.

The only thing you can control is what you do. Not what she does or will do. What you do.

It's too late now, obviously, as you should have shown her the door a couple of days ago when the writing was on the wall.

But I would make it clear now she's out, back to her dad's. She's not ruining the rest of your or your other two children's holidays.

HipsterCoffeeShop · 25/12/2023 15:19

I'm sorry @Alwaystoblame

You kinda always knew that would happen though didn't you.

I do appreciate that saying no to her at Christmas would have been extraordinarily hard and maybe cruel so you felt obliged to let her come, so do not take that on yourself.

But maybe it's time to draw a line with her behaviour & allowing her to spoil family occasions.

Sorry it turned out this way.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 25/12/2023 14:40

Well she's ruined the day. No respect for the rules, being nasty and spiteful and yelling in front of my elderly disabled mum to the point my
Mum feels ill. I'm an idiot.

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