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Original poster

Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

635 replies

Alwaystoblame · 27/05/2022 14:10

Posting for traffic.
How do I go about finding my Dd a new school if she's been permanently excluded? How likely are good schools to take her on in year 10 with an appalling attendance and behaviour record? She's very bright and doing very well academically when are bothers to go to class and do the homework. Attendance in in the 60s for this year. Even when she dies go in she is late and/or truants classes.
I have 2 previous threads about the issues she's having but I wanted to ask specifically about new schools without getting detailed.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 23/09/2022 15:09

Can you enlist her in the military if she is 16?

this gets trotted out so much. See also sending them to the military instead of jail.
a) why should the military fix society's problems?
b) do you have any idea how competitive it is these days?

TheLongGallery · 23/09/2022 14:58

People need their own personal epiphany to engage with services. Some will never do this even when fully matured as an adult. Some conditions such as EUPD often but not a.ways lessen as people mature.

The very difficult thing with a MH condition is firstly a person acknowledging they have it and then realising that they are responsible for their own behaviours. No mean feat. I’m no professional but did some voluntary work for quite a while with a MH charity and did consider retraining as a MH nurse at one point.

@Alwaystoblame Have you been in discussion with the local education authority at all as opposed to the school? I have no experience but just wondering if they can assist.

CallMeLinda · 23/09/2022 11:42

madasawethen · 23/09/2022 10:24

Can you enlist her in the military if she is 16?

This is the one of the worst and least helpful ideas I've ever seen posted here, and that's pretty impressive.

Firstly, nobody can force or compel someone to join up, and the military isn't there to deal with children who have the level of issues suggested in this thread.
Secondly, and more importantly, in 2 years when the OPs child is 18 she could quite easily be sent to a war zone and never come back. Do you really think that the solution to this (troubled sounding) Childs issues is that?!

wizzywig · 23/09/2022 11:11

Wonder if there is bipolar?

madasawethen · 23/09/2022 10:55

You might look into a residential school for troubled teens.
Some have an outdoor nature theme others have a military theme to them.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 23/09/2022 10:37

She wouldn't last a week in the military. She is asthmatic but denies it and won't take her medication and has frequent coughs as a result, vomits when stressed or makes herself vomit, has several common assaults on her record with the police, won't follow instructions, defies authority, lies constantly, won't wear the correct uniform for school and numerous other things that make her totally unsuitable for the military. Although I think a few weeks of a boot camp type thing would do her the world of good. She thinks she has had a very hard life and is proud of herself for coping but she has had a quite privileged life in many ways and certainly isn't coping.

OP posts:
Legofigure · 23/09/2022 10:34

Then those assessing need to adapt, for example, shorter assessments split over several home visits, change the way they are trying to assess her.

If the school aren’t supportive of alternative provision, and a PRU isn’t the only option, you can apply for an EHCP and alternative provision can be provided via that. Also, if DD can’t attend school full time the LA have a statutory duty to provide alternative arrangements.

Goingforarun · 23/09/2022 10:29

Seriously?!! They wouldn’t take her

madasawethen · 23/09/2022 10:24

Can you enlist her in the military if she is 16?

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 23/09/2022 10:23

The problem is getting her to be anywhere for long enough for any kind of assessment. This is why I thought a PRU would be a good thing for her but school say she doesn't meet the criteria.

OP posts:
Legofigure · 23/09/2022 10:18

There are many ways, but without knowing DD it is impossible for anyone online to say exactly what will work for her as what each DC needs is different. To give you a few ideas - different approaches (e.g. many find indirect therapies easier to engage with as they don’t rely so much on communication especially verbal communication, home visits, other therapeutic provision, alternative provision instead of expecting full time school attendance which at the moment is setting her up to fail), different professionals involved to find one who is a good fit, medication, more in-depth assessments (e.g. if you suspect she is ND OT and SALT assessments would be a good idea) to make sure there aren’t any hidden needs (which there often is, especially in ND DC).

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 23/09/2022 10:10

What can be done to help her engage?

OP posts:
Legofigure · 23/09/2022 10:03

For the vast majority of DC in similar situations it is can’t engage, rather than won’t, and they require support and adjustments made to the support offered in order to help them engage.

TheLongGallery · 23/09/2022 09:46

I think at some point if she engages with services she will be diagnosed with a MH condition this along with your suspicion she is neurodiverse needs addressing but I see she will not engage. Obviously people can have both. Even if she engaged now she is so young they would not give an actual diagnosis of a MH condition such as EUPD or bipolar.

I have known one person who had behaviour that was wildly extreme and could switch on and off, one minute sweetness and light and the next abhorrent. I’m slightly concerned saying what I know of them, it’s a relative of mine. Myself and many others in my family gave this person many chances over the years but their behaviour was so destructive, really so extreme it’s hard to believe it, in the end it became just too much so we are all no contact.

Its hard watching people you love self destruct, I’m so sorry.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 23/09/2022 09:04

Imo retested in any suggestions of what may help. She's under social services too along with the early help team. Her current career plan is to join the FBI and she genuinely believes this is something she is suited to and will achieve. I admire her ambition but at the moment she can't even get herself to school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 23/09/2022 08:58

She is under CAMHS and is having counselling via school when she turns up. There has been lots of help offered to her over the years but nothing changes.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 23/09/2022 08:30

I know that there's little you can do to influence your dd's choices but I really think you viewing her behaviour as something she is actively choosing and could turn around "just like that" if she wanted to is well, bonkers. This is a child that is chosing chaos and sabotaging everything that comes her way because there is something going on that she just can't deal with alone. Something is badly wrong and until she gets the right help and let's someone help her nothing is going to get better. Extracting promises of change from her and then getting cross that she won't stick to them is crazy, no matter who's doing it.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 23/09/2022 07:47

So far, not good. In the first 3 days she spent one morning in the nurses office faking illness and then her dad picked her up, one day she was truant for part of the morning and all in all it adds up to 1 day in lessons. She's not done any homework. Everything was false promises as usual which I expected them to be. I am so pissed off with her. School are doing everything they can to support her and she just insists on messing it up.

OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 17/09/2022 11:10

Another wanting to heap praise on you for your patience and consistency as a parent.

It is easy to parent a kid who is easy. I am in awe of women like you who manage to do the hard stuff day in day out.

Your daughter will be fine because she has you and you are giving her a soft place to fall. The fact that she has that will always help her.

<wee hug>

itsgettingweird · 16/09/2022 21:54

All I can add to this is what an amazing mum you are.

Supportive of your DDs needs but so from and honest about her behaviour and sympathetic to her victims and their feelings.

It's not easy accepting when your child is being a bully.

🤞 she settles back in well and realises the massive lifeline she's been handed here.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 16/09/2022 21:17

No, I'll never give up on her. I just roll with whatever she throws at me. I treasure the good times and if she turns then I keep her at a distance. She's knows I love her and I demonstrate that to her and that's why she kicks off at me because she's safe to do it as it were. She knows I'll love her regardless of her bad times. I have to keep faith in her because she doubts herself. She's been appalling and there is no excuse for her behaviour and she knows it won't be tolerated by school or by me. She's at school and seeing me under terms that are schools and mine, not hers. She is so little physically, barely 5 foot, and there's a very lost lass under all that anger and aggression and lies. She's engaging with professionals now and I'm praying that she will get what she needs from camhs and be settled and happy at school. Any aggression verbal or physical and she's out of school for good and she knows I won't see her unless in public or with others.

OP posts:
Goingforarun · 16/09/2022 17:58

You never gave up. Everyday without a crisis must be quietly celebrated.

Crazycrazylady · 16/09/2022 09:49

Op
Glad things to be improving . Fingers crossed she has seen the light and will behave at school. She will be maturing all the time if she can just stay in school.

Original poster
Alwaystoblame · 15/09/2022 17:58

We had a meeting yesterday and she starts back at the original school tomorrow. They are not prepared to tolerate anything other than very good behaviour from her and she's returning on a behaviour plan. Any repeat and she's out on her ear. She's attending her camhs appointments with me now and things are more positive. I know things can change very quickly but for now I remain hopeful. She's seeing more of me and in touch most days and is getting on better with her siblings in her limited contact with them. I am only seeing her if there are witnesses and she is not allowed in the house until she shows consistent improvement and I feel safe to have her here.

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Lightuptheroom · 09/09/2022 14:27

@Alwaystoblame it's worth asking school about the availability of a college placement. She has to be on a school roll to access this (basically because the school pays for the place) and theres a shortage of such places, but definitely worth asking the question.