Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child?

Possibly school is the issue-But the violence you mentioned is a great shame.
It’s possible there is something else going on mentally, but nowadays everyone looks for “ A diagnosis “ to explain away poor behaviour, as if it absolves the child ( or parent ) of personal responsibility.
So many different labels - Probably most slightly “Unconventional “ people could fit under one or more “Diagnosis “..
What good would it do?
Drugs ( Prescribed) might help- I remember once in desperation asking GP for a medical treatment for my own son, and she said “ That is neither possible nor desirable- he just has to grow up” ( Mature out)-
Thankfully he did, but jeez- It was hard going at times.

If she does have untreated ADHD, then college will be a nightmare for her. She will be expected to work independently there. No one will chase her to attend. No one will put pressure on her to do work. No one will push her to meet deadlines. If she doesn't meet deadlines, she will be removed from the course. All these people trying to help her now with school will be gone.

I think she’s a lost cause till college now unless a pru will take her.

pru’s are great depending on the teachers but if they are full they are full she clearly has an issue with school in general. College is a whole different experience where she can feel more grown up and pick her subjects.

at least dad is finally starting to feel the pain. And 100% not at yours for Christmas.

Why would any school want her? She's going to drag down their stats, set a bad example and possibly lead other pupils astray.

Is she super-bright? Was there a specific reason for her poor behaviour that has now been resolved? Because if not, I think it'll be a PRU too.

I noticed you mentioned you have ADD - I have ADD too and it does sound like she should be assessed. My daughter has ADD and her time blindness and inability to plan study is even worse than mine.
i know you tried to have her assessed when she was younger but worth considering asking cahms? The meds would help her control her impulsivity and let her focus better on her studies

Underneath all this behaviour is s lovely, caring, funny, bright joy to be around. That sounds hard to imagine but it's true.I have to believe that with time and the right support she will come out of this and be happy.

Hold this thought.
She and you hopefully will weather the storm-
At the moment it probably feels that you are in a raft on a storm - tossed ocean-

The fact that the clouds sometimes clear and that you see the shining girl beneath means there is hope.

Might take years- But she hopefully will get to a more stable place.

Well done, Always!
My son is a man now, and can barely talk about the times he was being “Trying”..
But one thing shines through-
He hated it when I was weak ( As he saw it)
He said “ You are trying to buy me off!” When I bought him something expensive that he wanted as a teenager.
Couldn’t win!

He says boundaries are essential.
Your daughter- Hopefully in time- will know you are on her side, not the mortal enemy.

I can exactly imagine the scene at Christmas
“MUM HATES ME! She went away with the rest of the family and left me out!!!”

But Christmas is a powerful lever on an angry child’s armoury..
By removing the chance to mess up your Christmas, she will double down on furious indignation-

But..Hold fast.

Well done - I got advice from other people who were once “Troubled teens” and to a man and woman they said firm boundaries are vital.

They make a child feel “Safe”.

Edit: Also want to say you sound like a lovely mum - Boundaried and trying so hard to protect her from herself..

@Alwaystoblame
This was the programme I caught the tail end of
I will listen to it in full.
These mothers went through a lot- as did the DC they adopted.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001bl12

Oh @Alwaystoblame I’m so sorry.
It must be so incredibly hard.
You have been trying so hard to do the right thing, and your daughter just “Flips you the bird “ at every turn.

I caught the arse end of a Radio 4 programme yesterday evening (19th Nov ) about adoptive mothers who had taken on damaged children, and it did remind me of you - The violence, the constant exclusions. Yes p

My own DS went through a bad phase ( His dad left at 4 yrs) - A family member invited us to their ( expensive per head) wedding, and DS didn’t show up.
Was staying at a friends!

Again zero communication..
It was so inconsiderate and rude- and inexcusable.

But young people can be extremely selfish.

I don’t know what to suggest- But where does her future lie of she continues like this?

It must be incredibly stressful for you- and her.

Re buying Christmas presents- If she messes you about on Christmas Day ( my DS did that, too one year🙄)
that will spoil it for rest of family (Maybe her intent)?

She’s fighting you- But you are on her side!

Can she not see that?

Any mother would be 😫frustrated and angry in these circumstances.

It's not too late and I think that your daughter really does have a lot of potential, you are a wonderful mum to recognise all those lovely traits in her, even when she is testing the boundaries. Push for therapy, and find out what it is that your DD is trying to communciate with this behaviour.

Op
To be fair I just need to say that you sound like an amazing mum. Patient and loving but with boundaries that you and your other children need. What ever happens with your DD, hopefully she finds her way in life but even if she doesn't it is no reflection on you. Some people simply go off the rails.

The school situation won't improve until her behaviour improves, and her behaviour won't improve (and will likely worsen) until her relationships improve, with you and her DH. I would advise (from much experience) that you don't go as a family, as in three or more, but that you and DD go to sessions together and/ or DD and her DH attend sessions. She is trying to communicate her sadness, something that she feels she can only act out in anger and rebellion. She needs to have a safe space where she can begin to verbalise and unpack her feelings without judgement and without further deterioration between you and her DH, hence separate therapy sessions.

Why does she live with her dad?

NHS of course, which is free.

Would it help you both (you and DD) if you attended therapy together? I did this with my mum and it really helped us to communicate in a calm, controlled environment. It sounds like your DD is unhappy and wants to be heard but doesn't know an appropriate way to express herself.

I guess it's possible the council might think about taking action against her dad if she didn't turn up at a PRU. They could also consider care proceedings. I have a nasty feeling, however, that the council would turn a blind eye given her age.