DD being bullied by a riding instructor at horse therapy

OP - on a completely different note, has your daughter seen Heartland on Netflix? If not, she will love it! exactly about that type of programme for vulnerable/kids in care having horsey therapy at a ranch in Canada and the lovely family that owns it. Any horsey girl's dream-TV

I think a lot of posters are misunderstanding the point of the OP. There are programmes to spend time with horses specifically for vulnerable young people (not riding for the disabled) who through no fault of their own can really benefit from a therapeutic intervention not based on talking therapies etc- for lots of reasons this is not right for them at this time. It really can work- in my experience with teens in care who have been let down at every point since birth, although so hard to find funding or a place. As a therapeutic service, not just dropping of a child to have a riding lesson and help out around the yard, there absolutely needs to be proper safeguards in place- most importantly staff trained and able to manage young people who very likely have suffered trauma or have have triggers.

Horsey people are big time twats it's really well known.

I'm not sure you can do anything about it.

This is totally my experience with horsey people. We own a horse and my daughter spends her life at the livery yard, but horsey instructors are usually bloody mean and shouty. Everything OP you describe is a pretty normal daily occurrence. But I understand that not everyone can put up with it (actually I'm scared of most of the instructors myself 🤣) and that this programme is designed for particularly sensitive kids. You should try speaking (nicely) to the yard manager.

When I was in primary school I was obsessed with horses and my parents signed me up for lessons. The instructor sounds just like your daughter’s. I lasted two lessons and never went back. She was awful. You’re poor daughter. It’s not her, it’s the arsehole woman! I’m so angry for you both xx

My son was bullied at RDA - an instructor who really didn't understand how to work with young people who have learning difficulty. We have found that people who volunteer for RDA are good with horses unfortunately not all are good with people.

It’s never ‘absolutely necessary.’ If something is so super duper high heal the and safety that it’s necessary to scream and swear at a teenager you don’t ask a teenager to do it. You do it yourself. Or, you dedicate part of the lesson to a ‘safety demonstration’ where you demonstrate how to open the gate in a low pressure environment and have all students give it a go so you have equipped them with the necessary skills to do this before you ask them to do it in that dangerous situation. If that doesn’t work you then go to your supervisor and explain that you don’t feel you can keep the children you’re teaching safe. You don’t swear at them and degrade them.

Loads of situations are dangerous but has anyone ever considered it necessary for their driving instructor to swear at them? Or what about the nurseries I work at? Presumably you’d be happy for me to say ‘for fuck’s sake what are you doing’ to your toddler when they wander to the road? After all it’s ‘absolutely necessary’ in dangerous situations.

Your poor daughter! This woman sounds like an absolute monster. I would be heartbroken to hear that someone spoke to my child like that and made them feel so shit. I really hope you take this as far as you can and it gets sorted out. No vulnerable person should be around this woman especially anyone who has prev self harming or suicidal thoughts. Words hurt. Your poor daughter 🥹

Weirdly my riding instructor as a kid was a Jackie. She did in fact reduce me to tears with her screaming many time.

Some horsey people do indeed have utterly shit people skills.

Is there a benchmark against which to measure a normal level of being sensitive? What about a benchmark for being rude?

Op's dd was suicidal not too long ago and is now in therapy to help build her up. The fact that she is hanging in there shows she is a fighter, referring to her as oversensitive is unkind and disablist.

Some horsey people do indeed have utterly shit people skills. I've been around horses and riding schools for 40+ years, and met some absolute horrors. But, the thing is, they aren't 'better horse people because they have no social skills. They think they are, but they aren't.

If your DD is keen to stay in the programme, please do speak to the organisers. They need to know that if they want the kudos of running a programme for vulnerable children,they need to understand how to work with vulnerable children. They may not know how the instructor behaves, and they may not realise the impact her behaviour is having on your DD. Tell them, and give them a chance to put it right before you withdraw DD.

In my fantasy world, I'd have the self righteous bullying bitch up against a wall. In reality I would do as some of the very helpful posters have suggested. 'Horsey people' don't get a pass on being cunts.

Please ignore all the typos in that post!

Your poor DD. I would withdraw her from the Thursday sessions and let the LA organisers know that the instructor is swearing at your DD and does not have the skills to meet her needs. Keep it factual and neutral. Hopefully they’ll act on it, but if not you haven’t burnt any bridges with regards to the Tuesday sessions.

My poor DD had a run in with a Horsey Woman who was supposed to be helping her build her confidence back after 2 years out of the saddle due to a nasty elbow break. I’ve met many other Horsey Women in yards over the years, dispensing unwanted (and often inaccurate advice) and policing non-existent yard rules.

I don’t think they are purposefully rude so much as lacking in social awareness.

IMO you need people skills as much as horse skills to be an instructor. To many instructors get into it for the wrong reasons.

She has ASD Shock she is not over sensitive Hmm maybe you are insensitive?

@PurpleBike
Many people with ASD are over sensitive. That’s a fact. It’s not offensive or insensitive to state a fact.
Parents of those with ASD are aware of this.

It doesn’t make their feelings invalid.

OP is obviously aware of this which is why she didn’t pull her out the first time she said anything but the pattern is what’s concerning her as it’s not just a one off that her DD has taken to heart.

As a close friend of a horsey person who has spent a lot of time around them, I agree with much of this. Riding instructors, in particular, are notorious for being blunt, shouty ‘no-nonsense’ characters who find dealing with horses easier than dealing with people. Sometimes this is absolutely necessary when dealing with clueless inexperienced people around large, unpredictable, potentially dangerous yet very fragile animals.

It's absolutely bullying, way beyond the scope of a harsh and shouty riding instructor. I had one those. She would kick off about the slightest possibility of damage to tack, call you useless and everything.

She never once swore at us kids though and she would never have made a comment about someone's parents' vehicle. She also wasn't stupid, despite being a mean old bugger so would never have let an inexperienced child open a gate onto a road if horses could escape.

I think you should make a complaint. I'd be inclined to speak to the LA first though. Focus on the swearing, insults and dangerous thing with the gate overall. The thing with the baby, plus her walking across the yard alone are explainable away (include them for more detail but not as the main issue). If you go straight to the yard owner, you might find out that it's their daughter or friend and it'll become your daughter's word against hers.

They need someone suitable for the role who knows how to work with vulnerable children. However, even for horse mad kids with thick skins who are used to being yelled at, much this behaviour would be entirely inappropriate.

Youre all making me feel much betterabout mybrush with the riding club.

I am assuming this is something like 'Think like a Pony' (sorry not sure this is national or just local) and if advertised as such there is no excuse at all and it totally goes against the whole point of the programme.

Yes horsey people can be brash and matter of fact, however if a programme is advertised as a therapeutic space for young people to gain confidence from interaction and learning to care for horses there is absolutely no excuse. I have referred vulnerable young people to similar and it has been amazing for them (when I can get a place/funding) however none have had such experiences.

Nothing to add to some of the excellent advice already given here, but it is certainly not ok. Hopefully it can be resolved with the coordinator/ owner however you must make the LA aware as well. They cannot continue to recommend it if necessary safeguarding issues (which this is) are not properly addressed. I hope your daughter is still able to benefit and enjoy her sessions, it does not sound like she is the problem here.

@Onwards22 genuinely interested, did get communication training when you qualified to deliver sessions to young people with SEN?

I told him not to come into the office without locking -
Why not phrase this differently? If you go to the office, make sure that the door is locked because x, y, z reason.

Your DD does sound like she’s being over sensitive over a couple of the things you’ve mentioned.
She has ASD she is not over sensitive maybe you are insensitive?

I can't believe that someone who speaks like you about people with ASD is actually qualified to deliver such a sensitive service.

Gosh I'm glad my dc are not into riding, I wouldn't want them to be around adults who don't understand the needs of vulnerable children.

@howler21 are you willing to give this up and have pets, maybe a dog? It doesn't sound like the horsey people are very inclusive or diverse.

I work at an ARB with teens with SEND and SEMH.

Many of the ones with ASD do tend to be very overly sensitive.
I had a phone call from a parent because a boy went home saying I hate him and he’s ruined my life and it was because I told him not to come into the office without locking - I didn’t shout or be angry and he didn’t go home and blatantly lie but this is how he saw it.

Your DD does sound like she’s being over sensitive over a couple of the things you’ve mentioned.
Either because of her ASD/anxiety or because when you know someone doesn’t like you, you are more aware of their behaviour.

Or this women could simply be a bitch and not good at working with teens especially those with SEND.

I absolutely would complain.
I would complain to the company itself and the person who gave you the name of it.

It doesn’t have to be an all guns blazing complaint - you could mention the swearing under her breath because she was struggling with the gate as she has difficulties with her fine motor skills.

If it carries on then I’d pull her out and try and find somewhere else instead.

Does it aid safety to be derogatory about the van a child parent drives?

There are bullies everywhere, children and adults. You need to get her away from this place immediately. Yes, she will miss out. But she won’t be bullied.

Welcome to the equine world! Plenty of these types about.

OP you need to look for somewhere that specialises in this kind of therapeutic work with specialist staff because this sounds like it's just been cobbled together.