Don't want ex's new girlfriend around my daughter

I will have to agree with you some what I going through the same with my ex I had a good co parenting relationship with my ex we was friends and everything he got a new girlfriend and everything changed for us she want to be all about met me until it came to it and nope she not want to met me but have met are kid it make me upset because I don't know who she is and not comfortable that she is around my child. My child is a little bit. Older than her child, but she's let her child meet my ex.
So I get where you're coming from, not wanting to have your daughter meeting this person. Because my situation's the same, I feel that his new girlfriend. He's jealous of me.That's why she got upset about wanting to meet me when it was time to come meet me

You're right in all you say. I totally get you, and it's a valid feeling to have. As you know though, you can't stop then interacting.

Your ex sounds very reasonable so I would maybe speak to him about how his new girlfriend feels about your relationship. Surely he wants to be with someone who appreciates he is friendly with his child's mother? If not this is a red flag.

Aside from that it sounds like you're fortunate with the set up, where he's not hostile, and your daughter is the priority for you both.

You realise you're being selfish in not wanting him, but wanting him to still be there for you.

He wanted to get back together with you at some point; chances are he's either told her that, or she senses it. I feel sorry for her, caught up in the game you and your ex are playing. She is right to feel threatened.

You should let him go, and just get on with co-parenting, and he should have stayed single until he's fully over you.

You may find the dynamic will changes, should you decide to get out and about and try to meet new potential partners. People want to do this to different extents. Some I know see life as essentially about being one half of a couple, others, my (late middle) age, happily exist as singletons and have a circle of friends, single and couples, and see relationships as being about the individual and friendships. I do feel, based on people I know, that if you were not to ever date, and were to live with your daughter as the centre of your world ( as you say) and enough for you, the girlfriend may think that, secretly, you and your ex still like each other. This type of scenario is what I have observed. She'd be wrong, perhaps, and thinking everybody must really want to be in a partnership, but.......

Maybe he does still like you...

I think you can deduce that she is serious about being with him.

Again, that dynamic will change if they stay together and have a child: then she would probably be less concerned about you.

The most important thing is his gf is kind to your dd. In time your dd may become friends with her dd. Just smile and be polite.

YANBU to feel that way but unfortunately you won't have a choice if that's who he's chosen.

My first exH had a GF like this. She would actively push him to drop weekends with the kids to spend them with her, she hated my guts and would kick right off if I went in to the house when picking up or dropping the kids off to speak to FIL. One time we went for a drink to iron out a few issues with the divorce and she went into orbit. She was the only one I didnt want to meet the kids, thankfully she was so mad that he dumped her when the crazy really hit so she never did.

His next partner was lovely, he fucked it up...again, but she and I got on really well. She left him for the same reasons I did and we had a long chat about it when we saw each other by chance one day. So it really isnt about jealousy as some would have it, sometimes the new GF really hates the fact that he has a past that she isnt in.

Just remembered too, a friend has a child from his first serious relationship. He saw and paid for the child but the mum just upped and left one day. He never saw his son again despite years of searching. His wife would not allow his sons named to be mentioned as she hated that she wasnt the mother of his first child, the first grandchild etc. She still refers to him as "my husband" even though she is engaged to someone else.....crazy.

He should not have told you she felt threatened. That’s inappropriate and not information you need to know. That to me shows she’s right to feel threatened because she should expect to be able to discuss how she feels with him without his ex knowing about it.

This. Triangulating you a bit already. And totally needlessly, it was only ever going to stir up drama, shape your opinion of her and wind her up if she finds out he's discussed their relationship with you.

He's not being very smart or nice is he?

I’d wonder what his intentions were in terms of telling you about a somewhat private conversation him and his gf have had to be honest, what does that achieve?

I’d also wonder what he’s been telling her about you…

You don't want him as your partner but whoever he meets you are going to put up barriers with them saying they are frosty or insecure etc as you don't want him getting close to someone else.

Maybe take a step back from being so close to him regarding anything other than the care of your daughter and letting go of your feelings for him.

So he's shit stirring between you two?

I really don’t feel like you are insecure or being controlling, your thoughts are totally reasonable and valid to you, it’s super scary when a new partner comes into the dynamics it sounds like you trust your ex with your daughter and as hard as it is you need to trust his judgment, if she has a problem with you then that’s her issue keep doing what you guys are doing and let her do her, I think your worried that she may be negative about you around your child and I get that I’ve been there but trust that your ex partner will not let that happen. I tried my heart out to have a great relationship with my ex’s new partner however she struggled as it was actually my ex making her feel insecure about me rather than anything I done and in the end he broke both mine and the new gf relationship down where now she does speak poorly of me around my son and he hates it, I have no direct contact with either now but I still speak very positively about her to my son as he’s all that matters. Give this a try paint on a smile at handover and be the bigger person it will hopefully pay off. I think the fact your worried just shows how fiercely you care about your child x

You have to accept that some things are outside of your control. Her father has equal parental responsibility to you so you have to leave this in his hands.

It's hard but you have to let go. Your children are not your possessions, they get to have an equal relationship with their father and he makes decisions about who he introduces to them, just like you do. You'll get through it in the end.

You do come across as jealous and insecure and wanting to be with him and trying to justify your position. I suspect you dislike her simply because he’s fallen in love with her and is serious about her. This is clearly not about her ability to care for or be round your child. It’s because he’s picked her and you are going to weaponise your child to try to stop it.

you need to try to move on op. Have you tried on line dating?

He should not have told you she felt threatened. That’s inappropriate and not information you need to know. That to me shows she’s right to feel threatened because she should expect to be able to discuss how she feels with him without his ex knowing about it.

Sounds to keep like you were ok with him dating so long as you two were still emotionally close, especially as he wanted you back. Now he’s starting to move on for real and you don’t like it.

I don't think I should be on the receiving end of her insecurity though.

And yet you want to put her on the receiving end of yours?

These things are always difficult but all 3 adults here should try to focus on the most important thing, and that's your child. It'll be no good for her if the 3 of you are being petty.

And believe me, you and your ex may get on really well now, but that's likely to change if you and her start a war with each other.

Do you know this because he's told you?

I think you need to back off for your own sake. Friendly co parenting is fine, chatting about his girlfriend's feelings.... No.

Do the best thing for your daughter, let it happen, be amicable, live your life. If she's kind to your daughter you can't want for much more ime.

I don't think I should be on the receiving end of her insecurity though.

Sorry OP, it sounds like it's the other way round as well.

Also, you're displaying classic dog in the manger behaviour. You can't have it all. Let him go and concentrate on co-parenting well but that needs to be the extent of your relationship.

When your daughter meets his GF it won't change anything. You will still be her mum, you can still co parent as you are. She won't drift away from you and the partner won't be a new Mum.
I know how hard this is, I'm a single parent too. Maybe you need to really think about what it is that bothers you...
Is it the fact that you don't like her personality
Are you insecure about your own role
Are you worried about how your daughter will react
Do you worry about feeling left out
Etc etc etc.

Once you figure this out you can then try and accept and move on.

Sending you lots of love ♥️

OP you don't get to decide this.

You've made a decision you don't want him. Let him be happy and rise above any perceived hostility.

Agree with this assessment. Reading between the lines sounds like it's the him being serious rather than her as a person problem.