To wonder if I'm the only one with no help at all?

I think there’s an assumption that school provides some sort of ready made network of like minded ppl. Ours hasn’t - not sure if this is because we started in reception in September ‘20 so under all sorts of covid restrictions which put the kibosh on it

There’s no PTA at our school, no class email / WhatsApp group (usually I’d start it but don’t have time) no class get togethers / socials and lots of parents use the before and after school wrap around care so you don’t see people at drop off and pick up. We also have a huge catchment area so no one truly local to meet with after or outside of school

There’s been a few class parties this year which has helped slightly, and I’ve pushed having kids come to play and invited them but we deffo haven’t got to the ‘could you take DS for us’ stage if we needed to, luckily we have emergency childcare sessions accessible through work if we really need it.

Ive cried with frustration, disappointment and exhaustion at this, I’ve shouted at DP and then we’ve argued over this.

We had three children in three and a half years our third was a huge surprise because I was 45 and thought we’d been incredibly lucky to have two.

Before children my in laws had said they were desperate for grandchildren and we’d never want for a babysitter, they couldn’t wait to look after them so I needn’t worry about being able to return to work etc. I had a career I really enjoyed and a pretty decent salary.

Tje first 18 months with first child was great they loved having her. Then baby 2 came along and they weren’t that interested and only wanted to take out the first child. The third child they’ve never shown much interest in.

All the promises of babysitting soon wore off and I never got the chance to return to work because they flatly refused to look after any of the children. This has upset me so much because they still tell me frequently how wonderful both of their sets of parents were, how they would help and look after DP and his brother to the point they had their own bedrooms at their grandparents houses.

I have a sister who has three grown up children and hasn’t seen my children in three years, she lives 30 mins away. She has said “She’s done with children”.

Last year I had a chest infection and felt so ill, couldn’t sleep, but still had to get my 5 and 6 year old to school despite feeling dreadful. I even had the school call me to moan that they had been a few minutes late a couple of days. When I explained how unwell I felt they’re reply was “Dint you have family who can help you?”. Because it’s the norm at their village primary school. So many children have grandparents or aunts involved on a day a day.

You’re not alone OP. x

No help here either OP. It is very hard.
My OH travels for work too, and my DS had chronic health problems at primary school and low attendance because of sickness, so I couldn't work eitlher.

I had one set of parents I could call on (who were available or not as a unit) but no DP. Arguably less help overall.

It helps if you build bridges with other local parents, via childminders, school etc.

Really feel for you. It's so tough. I know what it's like. My sister and I have young children and our mum, although fairly close in distance, has advanced dementia so has never looked after any of our 5 kids. Until last year when she moved into a home it was more a case of us trying to support her as well, which was unbearable to be honest.

Someone I know has parents nearby who are fit and healthy. They have had her boys overnight one night a week pretty much since they were pretty small babies. They are now teens/ almost teens. That just seems like another world to me! So so lucky if you have someone to fall back on like that/ regular childcare.

Me and my sister say at least our situation must make us extra tough! She says most mums she knows have family help.

You're not alone in not having family help. My DH's job means we live many hours away from my extended family (my parents are both dead but if we were closer to my home then my cousins would definitely help out). My DH's family are distant, emotionally and physically so they are no good either. How old are your DCs? We have friends who we can call on to help if we are really stuck, and I help them out too.

I work FT, although I do my best to get involved with school events and things. There is a class parents Whatsapp and we can ask on there if anyone needs a last minute pick-up from school if they are running late etc. It is hard though, I do feel for you as I envy people with close family at their fingertips.

We had no one 20 odd years ago. Just muddled through.

Completely understand. We are in the same situation. It sucks.

Me, no help. We don't have any family within a minimum 7 hour flight.

Just me and DH trying to juggle it all, it's hard.

Agree! And not all school mums are friendly, seriously annoys me the way people make out like school mum friends are the answer to everything. Some schools are friendlier than others and more of a community feel, some are not.

You aren't alone. I'm a single parent so it's all on me. Ex lives too far away to help.

Easier said than done I’m afraid, especially in you’re an introvert like me.

I think if you don’t have any family it’s worth building a support network. I had a colleague from abroad she paid a girl at nursery to babysit out of hours she worked for them for years and they became friendly with a friends parents - they became sort of substitute grandparents eg would go to school grandparents assemblies. I’d always help out other mums at school. People usually don’t mind if it’s not all one sided.

The in laws were local but only helped when I was in hospital delivering the next one. It sucks!

Fortunately I could afford to be very part time/SAHM even though broke as I think the stress of 4 young DC would have killed one of us.

I have nobody, no family or close friends. If anything happens to me, my child will go to foster care. People like doctors, teachers are amazed when I tell them this, they don’t seem to comprehend that there are actually people like me about so I think it must be a unique situation.

I have such sympathy for you @Johnnypiratesfriend 💐
I was in exactly the same position but I managed to secure a lovely girl from nursery to childmind whilst I was in labour. Would that be a possibility for you?

You’re not alone to have no family support-many people have parents who are old, ill, have died, live away. Friends are a different issue though.

I have plenty of friends I can call on in an emergency. Do neither you or your husband have any friends nearby? Who do you see at the weekends?

Re building networks - I hosted play dates, sleepovers, babysat for people. I spent my weekend volunteering to help at DD activity, and helped her to build a network of people around her there.

But I worked not quite full time, and at home. I work on weekends and evenings to make up the time to finish early.

It is hard and moreso when kids are at nursery (and parents are generally in the same boat) - I found primary school years were the best for making strong networks.

You’re definitely not alone. I am surrounded by ‘do it all mums’, who look amazing, have successful jobs and go for date nights with their OHs… all with a discrete supporting crew of parents, ILs, siblings etc. I, on the other hand, look completely knackered and am rarely awake and alone in a room with my OH!

We had no one, DH worked in Europe Mon - Thurs or city hours, I could only work part time, my family were in a different country, my parents would step in for emergencies, but according to my sibs, I didn't miss out on much. Took DS to lunch yesterday and he said that he knew that my career had suffered due to chid care and that he really appreciated it. Made it all worth while.

Also that feeling is horrible so I'm sorry you're going through it. Do you think you could try to meet people to build up some kind of support circle even if it was small? Even one or two people could make a difference. I know it's sometimes impossible to meet people though, especially if things are difficult right now. Or reconnect with people from the past?

I struggle a lot with things, different issues but I don't have a partner. It's tough.

Yes I currently face giving birth alone as dh may need to do childcare and I have no alternative birthing partner. It's horrid to not have a name on the form.
People may question why I'm having another but tbh it's not going to add any additional childcare stress as we have no one anyway. I hope my children will have more of a support network.
I was in hospital once and the nurse asked why I hadn't asked family for help. It was a real kick when I was already low.
So glad for this thread I was feeling so alone.
Also when I ask friends I would love to be part of a child care group as I love my house full and we have lots of toys etc. But people say of my mum / sister would be upset if I didn't ask them.

Those with helpful family nearby seem to have a much calmer and less stressful life!

Like PPs we live in London, most of our family are a couple of hours away. When DD1 was at nursery we felt exactly like you described, an exhausted tag team. Our nursery was very good and reliable, and work was flexible, but it’s tough, particularly at weekends.

Now DD1 is in school and DD2 is at nursery, I’ve worked hard to make friends through school so we can do childcare swaps, could drop and run at parties, share lifts etc. it’s hard the first few times, but you have to persevere past the point of being acquaintances if you want it to get easier. It’s worth doing with nursery parents as well.

If you don’t have family nearby you have to get used to paying for help and actively build a support network. If you don’t, you’ll have no-one to share the load, and it’s good for your DC too. Put yourself out there!