Why why why do people have kids without marriage

Or you know, the fact that you want to spend a few years raising your children?

Because you can't force somebody into marriage - besides, if you have significant assets to your name you'd be insane to even entertain it.

I've been co habiting with DP for 14 years. 2 DCs. We were 32 when we got together and really wanted children, so that was prioritised. We both own the house we live in and I am a SAHM. We are going to sort out a civil partnership. He asked me to marry him on the way to register DC1's birth and I said yes, but we just haven't got round to organising it. I did ask him just now if he was still up for it and he gave me a resounding yes. We're just not very good at organising things. It's on our never ending list of things to do! We do have very good wills though.

Im not married and have no intention of being. I don’t really see that it has a huge impact on my financial position (save on the death of my DP which is why wills are on our to do list). DP is higher earner and has more assets than me BUT I am financially secure (enough) in my own right. The point is that I made sure I had a good career and financial independence before having children (and before settling down with a partner tbh).

I don’t and never have viewed marriage (or a relationship with a man) as my route to financial security. Surely the fact that some women feel that is the only option for them is the problem - caused (among other things) by the gender pay gap, societal expectations on mothers, lack of affordable childcare…

Honestly a lot of women don't have great options. They want a baby and they don't push for marriage first because they know the guy will run for the hills. This way they have the kids anyway, which is better than nothing. I prefer that option to exist than a situation where only solvent couples in perfect marriages may procreate.

Also I think Mumsnet overestimated the extent to which marriage protects you if your ex really wants to screw you over. I've seen friends come out if divorces with mystifyingly little.

Marriage isn’t going to help you much if the guy’s a dick. Literally hundreds of threads on here over the years of women getting screwed over by their husbands in the divorce.

I could have ended the OP's question
after 'kids'

I think the main thing is to never ever ever give up work or compromise your career progression for a man.

Whether you're married or unmarried if you split and you've compromised your career then you're fucked.

Have kids with a man who is 100% clear your career is as important as his and don't accept anything less than him doing 59% of the work

Easier said than done though isn't it?

I refused children without marriage, also didn't give up my career and as an adult have never been and never will be financially dependent on someone else.
However if you have no assets, no savings and are in low paid entry level jobs without hope of progression or as a household solely reliant on benefits, and your DH is in the same boat, divorce can't give you a slice of nothing, so what's the point?

I figured some people just never got round to it until years ago chatting to the other mums at the nursery door it was very much so they could claim the father didn’t live with them and could receive benefits as lone parents

This. 21 years cohabiting, 2 young adult dc, I just don't want to be married despite DP asking me, but I prob will in the next year or so for pension rights. Or civil partnership. I hate the thought of being married.

My friend had hers by donor insemination. She doesn't want to share her child with a man because she's never dated one who would be a good role model. She's very happy.

It’s more than that. Women are bashed for not getting married in a way they’re not criticised for not going to university, prioritising promotion, paying into a pension etc. There is an extra level of vitriol reserved for women on here who don’t have the a relationship that meets approval.

It takes two to tango perhaps their partner won't marry and the biological clock is ticking. I find women are generally more keen on children than men and men again on average are keen to protect their assets. Especially since their partner can choose to spend more time with children (or give up work), it is a myth in many cases that men support their partners giving up work to raise the children often they have no say (well you can't force someone to return to work). Of the men I know marriage isn't top of their list any more and with no real body clock men can afford to wait it out.

Not really, because we don't actually have the power to go back in time to before we had kids and then insist on a change in marital status before jumping back to the present day and enjoying financial security. It defies the laws of physics.

Rather, it's a way of avoiding society's responsibility. Those women suffer because they were silly. So many silly women.

Because we earned a similar wage. Because we didn't own a property. Because it cost money and it was more important to provide for our child/ren. Because when we split we then didn't have to pay for a divorce.

All of the above.

Because the majority of the time, unless it’s the woman who for whatever ideological reason does not want to get married- women are settling for men who don’t want to marry them. (This contributes to my personal crackpot theory of why we are seeing ludicrously massive baby showers- because they aren’t getting a wedding)

Men don’t need to propose now. The majority of women accept absolute scraps, and will pay 50 percent of the bills and take on all of the mental load and drudge work. The men literally don’t need to get married. They are happy as they are, leeching female emotional energy and unpaid labour. I’m not blaming women for men’s shit behaviour- but we need to do something about tolerating it?

Usually their DPs will marry someone else in the future, who they actually want to marry.

Men will have entire 10 year long relationships and families with women who they think are good company, like having sex with and will wash their pants. Regardless of whether they are head over heels in love with them or not.

Ummm I've been with my other half for twelve years..... We have 2 DC... I don't want to get married. It's a waste of money IMO.

Peacsuse a lot of people don’t actually know what an ideal situation looks like and sometimes the desire to get what they want makes them compromise too much.

Why is the question not "why do women need to get married to have security"?

Lots of people will never have a career like that.

I often see the argument on here that higher earning women should protect their finances by not getting married. However, the same argument could apply to higher earning men.

In the vast majority of cases, the children are mostly or at least half, with the woman, making it much more important to have decent finances.

Because they believe in the fairy tale. And biology takes over when you’re newly in love. And they’re so many men who don’t care about their children. But many young women want to have a baby because it’s what they want, to fill a hole in their hearts.

I'm very lucky I didn't marry mine, I am much better off because I didn't. But then I refused to give up my career to be a SAHM. Why anyone woman risks that I do not know.