Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why why why do people have kids without marriage

364 replies

changedandcantchangeback · 26/04/2022 20:12

Obviously if you earn more.. have an independent income... so NOT aimed at you..

But WHY after all these years do I see threads from economically improvised women STILL posting how they are so severely compromised ?

OP posts:
FrankLeeSpeaking · 26/04/2022 22:15

A lot of people have children, aren't married and it all works out fine, but we don't hear from them!
I think the better question would be "Why do so many people have children with shitty men". Because lots of people find out after they married that their partner is an arsehole who is perfectly happy to see them and their children suffer.

Iwasjustasking · 26/04/2022 22:15

Because I don’t want to get married? It’s really not that hard to understand! And it’s no one’s business if I’m married or not! I have two children, a partner of 21 years, a house with oh and I just don’t care if im not married!!

InStitchesWithAspergers · 26/04/2022 22:12

My partner and I are both disabled. Due to laws, we’d both be at a disadvantage if we got married, one or both of us could lose any help we get. If we could get married, we would!

whatuser · 26/04/2022 22:12

Life happens... you can't be so thick to actually need an answer to your q

drpet49 · 26/04/2022 22:11

Because they put their own wants and needs before what is best for the child

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 26/04/2022 22:09

Is this a trick question that I'm not understanding 🧐

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 26/04/2022 22:09

Is this a trick question that I'm not understanding 🧐

Backofthenet20 · 26/04/2022 22:08

Another consideration is unexpected death. If you die when unmarried, assets unless a will/ jointly owned in place will pass back to parents as next of kin. There are also widows pensions for young people that only a spouse is entitled to.

mumsys · 26/04/2022 22:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Vidax · 26/04/2022 22:02

There was one poster on here who thought having a child together was LESS COMMITMENT than buying a house with her partner

I mean seriously???!!!?

Vidax · 26/04/2022 22:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2022 20:16

Because:

A shit load of pregnancy isn't planned.
They don't understand legal rights.
They don't think their partner is a shit.
They want kids more than they want security.
They are promised it in future.
They erroneously believe it's just a piece of paper.
They don't know the wage gap and sexism exists until they have a baby.
They are philosophically opposed to marriage.

That's just a random sampling.

Totally agree, and a lot of these can be dealt with by educating our children (both male and female)

Hutchy16 · 26/04/2022 21:59

What a ridiculously stupid question

oakleaffy · 26/04/2022 21:52

Babies fundamentally change relationships.
when women get pregnant “ Accidentally “, they often hope to bring the bloke “ To heel” and commit..
Babies act as wedges rather than glue in too many relationships.

Artsuggestions2022 · 26/04/2022 21:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/04/2022 20:16

Because:

A shit load of pregnancy isn't planned.
They don't understand legal rights.
They don't think their partner is a shit.
They want kids more than they want security.
They are promised it in future.
They erroneously believe it's just a piece of paper.
They don't know the wage gap and sexism exists until they have a baby.
They are philosophically opposed to marriage.

That's just a random sampling.

This.

ironically many women see the man having a baby as a commitment instead of marriage

sst1234 · 26/04/2022 21:45

CatsArePeople · 26/04/2022 20:33

Because "marriage is just a piece of paper/ it doesn't change feelings/ we love each other regardless"

Is a pathetic, uninformed view trotted out time after time.

balalake · 26/04/2022 21:44

@Suprima men have plenty of role models of other men who treat women like dirt and yet there are still other women who have such low self-esteem that they will have a relationship with them.

Hillary17 · 26/04/2022 21:44

Yes. I absolutely wouldn’t have children without being married honestly. I want the security of knowing we’re both as responsible and if we were to ever get divorced I’d be provided for.

over2021 · 26/04/2022 21:41

Because they believe in the myth of a 'common law marriage'.

FWIW, I'm married and financially independent. I sometimes wish I hadn't married as if my marriage breaks down- even if not my 'fault'- I would be the worst hit financially so I can understand why people (mostly men as I accept the male is still usually the breadwinner) wouldn't marry- it's a leap of faith that the other person won't break their vows as much as making your own promise.

Twokidsanddone · 26/04/2022 21:40

Because my first wasn't planned. Was told chances of ever conceiving naturally were pretty much nil. Met someone. Had a surprise pretty much straight away. Was determined I was going through with it in case it was my only chance. Wouldn't have forgiven myself if it was and I gave it up. Still together. Still not married. A second planned baby because in for a penny in for a pound right? Made sure I'd be better off financially in the event of splitting. Don't need to be married to have a financial back up plan. And we are far from well off. Zero regrets. And zero worries about what if he leaves me

TheOriginalChatelaine · 26/04/2022 21:39

What does economically improvised mean? Do you mean impoverished?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/04/2022 21:37

motherofchihuahuas · 26/04/2022 21:33

Why why why should it matter?

Why don't they enforce proper laws for paying parents. Close loopholes for self employed. Ensure there are penalties for not doing so? Punish people who actively lie about their earnings?

Why is CMS as low as 12th in the order of things that take priority for existing debt. (There was a link to this on a recent thread)

Not everyone wants to get married. In this day and age it doesn't always benefit either party to get married.

This.

tigger2022 · 26/04/2022 21:36

I know I'm generalising, but from my experience and my friends' experience, it's... not the women! There's a generation of Peter Pans in long term relationships in their mid/late 30s with no incentive to make an actual commitment and don't really know what they want. I think generally women WANT commitment for the security, but you can't force someone to marry you. I'm a single mum now by choice but when I was dating, it was so hard to find a man who knew what he was looking for.

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2022 21:34

Marriage protects even high earning women by spreading the Inherent risk of childbirth and parenting. Plus that extra step helps screen the potential co-parent.

marriage rates are still high among highly educated, high earning couples. Marriage still works for people in privileged positions and it can work for people in less privileged positions as well. Over time I have come to believe that women have simply misunderstood the message of equality that our mothers and grandmothers were trying to teach. It was never about splitting things 50:50. It was about making sure women had the opportunity to be financially independent and that women should not solely face the financial burdens of child rearing.

TowerRavenSeven · 26/04/2022 21:34

Suprima · 26/04/2022 21:03

Because the majority of the time, unless it’s the woman who for whatever ideological reason does not want to get married- women are settling for men who don’t want to marry them. (This contributes to my personal crackpot theory of why we are seeing ludicrously massive baby showers- because they aren’t getting a wedding)

Men don’t need to propose now. The majority of women accept absolute scraps, and will pay 50 percent of the bills and take on all of the mental load and drudge work. The men literally don’t need to get married. They are happy as they are, leeching female emotional energy and unpaid labour. I’m not blaming women for men’s shit behaviour- but we need to do something about tolerating it?

Usually their DPs will marry someone else in the future, who they actually want to marry.

Men will have entire 10 year long relationships and families with women who they think are good company, like having sex with and will wash their pants. Regardless of whether they are head over heels in love with them or not.

^^This

motherofchihuahuas · 26/04/2022 21:33

Why why why should it matter?

Why don't they enforce proper laws for paying parents. Close loopholes for self employed. Ensure there are penalties for not doing so? Punish people who actively lie about their earnings?

Why is CMS as low as 12th in the order of things that take priority for existing debt. (There was a link to this on a recent thread)

Not everyone wants to get married. In this day and age it doesn't always benefit either party to get married.