Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

I looked around on my wedding day, nearly 20 years ago and recognised but barely knew 70% of the people there. You said yourself that you don't feel comfortable in those situations. I do understand an element of you being hurt but this is someone else's special day. Someone once removed from you and not related. Please don't spend precious time overthinking it.

@Sakura7

And people on a forum, who the OP has asked for advice, are free to tell her that would be an overreaction.

Jesus Christ, where have I said no one is free to tell OP anything?

Would you honestly be hurt if your friend's child, who you hadn't seen in years, didn't invite you? If so, why?

But that’s not the situation. The situation is OP’s friend has invited her other friends to her dd’s wedding/evening do but not OP who has been her friend for 30 years and on the flimsy pretext that OP wouldn’t have wanted to come.

You say you haven't seen your friend in a while due to covid, how long are we talking? Restrictions have been lifted for a while and there are plenty of outdoor options for people still vulnerable or anxious. Covid seems quite a poor excuse not to see someone now. Are you even that close to your friend?

Even if you saw each other every day, it's still her daughter's wedding so her daughter and her fiancé have final say on the guest list.

I think this is a generational thing.

When I married my ex-husband (he was 10 years older) we used to receive gifts from his parents' friends at every occasion - mostly people I'd never met - birthdays, Christmas, the births (and then birthdays of our DC) ! I never felt comfortable with it but would try to reciprocate at Christmas etc out of politeness.

On our marriage my ex-mil also insisted on inviting many of these people I'd never met. I acceded out of respect for her (In my defence I was 27) I found it - and still find it- all baffling tbh.

You realise almost the entire thread disagrees with you?

The whole thread is addressed to me? Who knew.

@coolhwip she hasn’t ‘left her OP’ out it’s NOT her own event, it’s the bride & grooms. The OP doesn’t mention any relationship with them. In fact I’d bet she hasn’t even met the groom.
The OP even said she feels awkward at events & doesn’t really like them. If she’d got an invitation she’d probably be posting complaining that she had an invitation to an event that didn’t want to go as she’d not seen them for 2 plus years and the only person she’d know (her friend) would be busy with other guests so she’d be left out.

Complaining about not being invited to an event you don’t want to go to when the event is for people you don’t really know is very self absorbed!

I'm sorry that you feel hurt OP. They obviously mean a lot to you.
I wouldn't lose a friend over this though.
I had something similar a few years back, a family member didn't invite me but did invite the rest of my extended family. She did ring me to apologise as they had to limit numbers and cut off somewhere. I did what Michelle Obama would do, (when they go low, you go high) I asked if there was anything I could do to help out on the day. Turns out there was a job they were struggling with (childcare) which I helped with (and was generously renumerated for). Our relationship has been stronger than ever.
There is also no way on earth I would be allowed to ask my friends to my DCs wedding.

The bride and groom might invite one or two parents friends who played a significant part of their own lives, not just their parents lives. This is fine and I feel it’s an overreaction to be hurt

And that’s fine. But then OP is perfectly within her right to take a step back too.

And people on a forum, who the OP has asked for advice, are free to tell her that would be an overreaction.

Would you honestly be hurt if your friend's child, who you hadn't seen in years, didn't invite you? If so, why?

It's the daughter's wedding therefore she and partner get to write the guest list, not the parents. I remember MIL telling her friends they were invited, she looked very silly when the invitations were not forthcoming as we invited our friends, not hers!

I think it’s normal to feel a bit sad you won’t be there. But dropping your friend altogether? No that is an overreaction for sure.

You realise almost the entire thread disagrees with you?

It's not the friend's wedding, it's her daughter's. It's strange to expect an invite in these circumstances.

Erm, what is an "evening reception before the wedding"?

This is quite old fashioned, the expectation of attending a friends child’s wedding when not having a close relationship with the actual couple getting married. The norm is for the bride and groom make the invite list and they will likely keep numbers to the minimum. This is reasonable.

Well then you're being ridiculous too.

The entitlement here is really something.

Maybe you could read the actual OP instead of making personal attacks.

If she is treating OP differently then why should OP continue to treat her as a good friend?

They haven't seen each other in two years are they really "good friends". Sounds like the friendship has seriously drifted apart during the last two years. If not beforehand.

I think this is unfair on your friend - it’s not her wedding, why should her daughter invite people she doesn’t want to? For my wedding we invited family friends who we wanted to invite but not because my parents asked us to. One family friend who we didn’t include had a huge huff about it and has never really spoken to us since. I would suggest you don’t do this!

your choice really. You can be all hurt and miffed and trash the friendship or you can get over it.

The entitlement here is really something.

@CakeAmbushAlert it sounds like the mum has paid for the wedding mostly and has invited her other friends to the evening do.

She has left OP out and is now panicking in case she found out from other friends who have been invited.

If she is treating OP differently then why should OP continue to treat her as a good friend?

I got seriously cheesed off with my DM and DMIL interfering with my guest list 'oh you've got to invite great aunt twice removed Silvia or she will be devastated' etc and I ended up with people there I didn't know/like and had to cut my own friends down.

It's not up to your friend to invite people to her daughters wedding even if she is paying towards it and if you haven't seen the daughter for what I'm thinking might be close to two years then I'm not surprised you're not invited. Your friend might even have asked and been told no. Wedding numbers are brutal to cut down.

@coolhwip hurt about what though? It’s her daughters and son in laws event not the OPs friends.

She hasn’t even seen her friend for 2 years & only mentions meeting her family occasionally over the years so not actively involved in the brides life.

Telling her your hurt about not being invited to her daughters event is NUTS.

But how close is the DAUGHTER (you know, the one who's getting married, but whom you barely think to even mention in your posts) -and potentially the future son-in-law - to the other friends who have been invited?

Of my Mum's friends there is one who I'd invite to my wedding and it's the one who has also been there for me over the years. She's not the one who has known my Mum the longest (my Mum and that friend have been friends about 60years but I've only met her about twice in my entire life), nor the one whom my Mum spends the most time with in recent years. But she is the one I have a good relationship with.

If you're not close to the daughter you're never going to be on the bride and groom's invitation list, only a potential for the few invitations the Mum MAY be allotted for her friends. And even then, say the Mum is allowed to invite 4 people (2 couples - which is an extra 16 guests if the same allowance is given to each of the other parents of the b&g, so a significant number) may not prioritise them according to her best friends but by those who have been closer to her daughter, even if they aren't close enough to warrant a direct invitation from the daughter.

Tldr - yabu.

I would be hurt too. Tell her you’re hurt and if you are the type to do a lot for her without getting much back, then stop and take a step back.