Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

I didn't invite any of my parents friends to my wedding.

It was my wedding and I wanted to invite my own friends, not their friends.

YABU and frankly absurd.

This is exactly the kind of argument I’m having with my mum. We’re paying for our wedding but she thinks all their friends should be invited. I’ve never met most of them, but funnily enough she won’t pay the extra costs for them to attend. Am I now going to end up with my mums friends falling out with her and her trying to guilt trip me cus they weren’t invited!?

Of course YABU.
That is speaking as someone who loves weddings, and does feel a bit sad that it is rare these days to "see off the bride" from her home, or attend a Church ceremony for someone you know well but wouldn't be invited to the Reception, in order to wish them well.

You would be very silly to cut off your friendship over this.

I have lots of friends whose dc are getting married, and lots of my dcs' friends that I have known for years are at the stage of getting married, but I wouldn't expect to be invited to their weddings.

I'm sorry @Jazzaloon sometimes these things can trigger feelings of rejection, or not being cared for enough.

I'd try to view it from the lens of likely a numbers thing, and not personalise it too much. However hard. I can understand as a close friend why you want to be there, especially if other friends are there. I can understand why it hurts.

Are you single? I have found once I was a single parent that many couple friends just didn't think to invite me to more formal events. I definitely noticed it. I've since seen many of these couples become single and lament at the loss of friends and invites.

Try not to feel embarrassed. It doesn't sound like it is anything you've done and more their own planning. Maybe try to connect with the friend over a coffee, it may help remind you of why you are friends and make the wedding a smaller issue.

One of my colleagues has her daughters's wedding coming up and the drama and upset and manipulation has been incredible because the girl dislikes ONE of her friends and doesn't want her there. "If you won't invite her, don't invite any of my friends(about 20 others) and I WILL HAVE NOONE TO TALK TO ALL DAY" " I won't be able to show anyone your wedding pictures ever" jeez. The couple getting married get to invite who they want at their wedding.

One of my mum's friends fell out with her because I didn't invite her to my wedding. Don't be that person - if the bride & groom wanted you there, they'd have invited you. That's absolutely nothing to do with whether or not your friend cares about you, your friendship, or anything else.

I didn't invite my mum's good friend because she was my mum's friend, not mine, and I wasn't close to her. We had limited space, so the order of important went: family > friends of the bride and groom > colleagues/other. 'Mum's friend' fits into the colleague/other category - maybe she doesn't have space. Maybe of her mum's friends, she's closer to the others and not you.

None of that is her mum's/your friend's 'fault'?

Honestly please get over yourself. Weddings are super expensive. Alas you haven't seen them in ages. Particularly the daughter, why should they invite all there mums friends. Do you even know the groom? It's ridiculous expectations from others. Weddings are about the bride and groom. Not about everyone else. They may even of just wanted a small wedding! It's nothing to do with you.

I've learnt to accept if I'm not invited by friends to their events because I also don't invite them to every of my events. My wedding was strictly family only. Even my best friend did not attend and she was ok with it. I would say suck it up and get on with life.

I'm Jewish and it's pretty normal to invite parents' friends to weddings (as was the case ay ours) and I think in other cultures too, but I don't get the impression it's at all normal at Anglo weddings

I can see why you're upset. I am very close to my best friends children (she's an only child). I am like an aunt to them and am godmother to one of the dc. I think I would be upset if I was not invited to any of the dc wedding, given how much involvement I've had in their lives over the years.

Are you still close with your friend? It's a bit strange that the wedding didn't come up in conversation before this?

You sound very old fashioned

AIBU and should I just suck it up?

Yes, very unreasonable. I don't see an alternative, of course you will have to suck it up.

What a shame that you feel that you can't enjoy this with your friend. Her daughter is getting married and you think she'll be excited to show you the pictures of this important (for her and her daughter) life event. And you feel that you never want to see her again because it doesn't directly involve you? I hope she's got better friends that will share this with her!

Op what part have you played in the daughters life? Have you spent time with the daughter and her partner? Do you have any input into their lives? You need to ask yourself these questions before getting offended.

As your friend is the one paying and you've been close friends for that long, I see where you're coming from. You're not a randomer. In 30 years you'll have known the daughter too I assume.

My parents covered the bulk of our wedding bill and there were a handful of attendees who only came because my parents wanted them. I was happy with that, it wasn't me paying, and they were all very nice, supportive guests to have. My wedding was "big" though, maybe your friend's daughter is having a smaller, more intimate do? Maybe the husband has a big extended family and they've decided to draw a line? Maybe you'd have been an outlier within the daughter's guest list and the friend couldn't think who to sit you with (and worried you'd hate it!).

I think your friend would have been better giving you the context, rather than making YOU the reason you aren't on the list. I'm sure it's not that they simply didn't want you. You never know what's going on behind the scenes with wedding planning, so many considerations.

Yabu to expect an invitation.

It's not your friends place to invite you. You're putting her in an awkward position.

The daughter probably gave the go ahead for a handful of her mother's friends and didn't choose you.

Just accept it gracefully and don't make things awkward.

No, you’re wrong, OP never said she told her friend she wouldn’t like to go. OP said ‘True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend

Does the friend know that though? OP said it is true that she is awkward at such events and she has met the friend’s family members through the years BUT that says nothing about her relationship with the friend’s daughter, the actual bride. Meeting family through the years does not guarantee an invite to other friend’s family events.

I recall many of my mother’s friends over the years but I wouldn’t have invited them to my wedding if we were not close and again OP does not say she is close to the bride only that she expected her friend to invite her because said friend was paying for it and other friends were invited where again she doesn’t say if those friends who are are close to the bride.

@coolhwip if OP is correct that the friend has invited her other friends to the evening reception but not OP then it’s understandable that OP is disappointed

What a lot of posters are trying to stress to @Jazzaloon is that it’s likely the bride & groom had final say on the guest list. If @Jazzaloon doesn’t have a direct relationship with the bride & groom then she should try not to feel disappointed about not being invited to their wedding.

Is it worth throwing away a 30 year friendship because you are not invited to a member of their family’s special occasion?

Would be interested to hear what @Jazzaloon thinks now she’s read the thread?

[quote coolhwip]@phoenixrosehere

It’s unreasonable to expect a friend to invite you to something that you said yourself to them that you don’t like

No, you’re wrong, OP never said she told her friend she wouldn’t like to go. OP said ‘True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend.’[/quote]
She's not entitled to an invitation though! Especially if she's not close to the bride and groom.

Even if other friends of your friend have been invited , it might be because the B &G know them better?

Seriously, this isn't a thing, I'm not sure people get invited to any part of a wedding now just because they are friends with the parents; it's just too expensive .

If I were you and you are that interested in the wedding, a lovely evening going through the photos seems ideal !