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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not invited to wedding of a close friend’s daughter

269 replies

Jazzaloon · 15/04/2022 06:36

I haven’t seen my friend for a while due to Covid but knew her daughter’s wedding was to take place this April. I was never told the date or the venue and assumed that perhaps the pandemic had altered their plans. I recently had a phone call during which she revealed that the wedding was in four days’ time, explaining away the fact I obviously hadn’t been invited by saying that she didn’t think I would want to come as I didn’t like that sort of thing. True in part, that I feel awkward at such events but I have met a lot of her family socially over the years who have always been welcoming and I would have liked to attend. We have been friends for over 30 years and I feel hurt that I was never on the guest list – and by this I mean for the evening reception not the ceremony or the wedding breakfast. As the wedding was to be held at a country house hotel some miles away there wasn’t even the opportunity to see the bride as she set off from home in her dress or arrived at the register office.

I know that as my friend is the one paying for everything on the big day she will have invited other friends to the evening reception. AIBU and should I just suck it up? At the moment I don’t feel I can meet up with this friend again, especially if it is to see photos of an event I wasn’t ever going to be a part of.

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 17:36

she is obviously not as close to you as you thought
sadly

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 17:35

of course you suck it up?
what else ?
demand an invitation?
gate crash?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 17:35

there is nothing you can do

DirectionToPerfection · 15/04/2022 17:33

@KosherDill

I would think a family friend of 30+ years standing would rank a bit higher than some rando from the bride or groom's office or a uni roommate. Especially those who have perhaps done childminding, given gifts over the years, been invited to other family events, etc.

If it's just the bride's mother's tennis pal whom the bride has never met, that's a different scenario.

This is very unfair.

A work friend or an old flatmate who gets invited is a genuine friend of the bride or groom, not just some rando. Why on earth would a friend of a parent (who hasn't been seen for two years) rank above the bride's actual friends?

SleeplessWB · 15/04/2022 17:22

My parents very generously paid for all of my wedding & saw it very much as a whole family affair, inviting friends and relatives I wasn't bothered about but I agreed as it made no difference to me either way and she was happy to be able to host them all. However, I did regret it a bit when my sister just said she wasn't having any of them at hers and my mum just agreed!

NannyKrampus · 15/04/2022 17:18

You are friends with the mother, not the daughter. You are being absolutely ridiculous! No wonder you weren't invited with that sort of attitude.

babyjellyfish · 15/04/2022 17:02

@Allaboutthepizza

Nobody should really expect to be invited to the wedding of their friends' children (unless they are a Godparent). A wedding day is for the Bride/Groom and they should be inviting their own friends, not those of their parents. My own parents have always felt very strongly about this, and I know when they have, on occasion, received an invitation to a friend's child's wedding, contacted them and made it clear that there is no need to invite them to keep their parents happy at the expense of inviting some of their own friends instead. They tell them that if this is the case, to please be honest and let them know, and they will RSVP to say that they have another unavoidable prior engagement, and their parents will never be told the truth by them.
That's very sweet of them.

My parents paid for most of my wedding and they said they wanted to invite five of their friends. I said fine to that and added another couple of their friends who I have known since childhood and wanted to invite myself.

My father in law had a list of about 40 of his friends he wanted to invite, and offered to pay for them all. My husband had a word and said it wasn't about the money, it was about the fact that it was our wedding and we didn't want a large proportion of the people there to be people we didn't really know that well (or at all) because they were our parents' friends rather than our own. So in the end my parents in law invited three couples to our wedding and chose different friends to invite to their other sons' weddings.

Allaboutthepizza · 15/04/2022 16:53

Nobody should really expect to be invited to the wedding of their friends' children (unless they are a Godparent). A wedding day is for the Bride/Groom and they should be inviting their own friends, not those of their parents. My own parents have always felt very strongly about this, and I know when they have, on occasion, received an invitation to a friend's child's wedding, contacted them and made it clear that there is no need to invite them to keep their parents happy at the expense of inviting some of their own friends instead. They tell them that if this is the case, to please be honest and let them know, and they will RSVP to say that they have another unavoidable prior engagement, and their parents will never be told the truth by them.

bostonchamps · 15/04/2022 16:39

@KosherDill

I would think a family friend of 30+ years standing would rank a bit higher than some rando from the bride or groom's office or a uni roommate. Especially those who have perhaps done childminding, given gifts over the years, been invited to other family events, etc.

If it's just the bride's mother's tennis pal whom the bride has never met, that's a different scenario.

They may have child minded (that the bride probably won't remember), given gifts etc but those 'randos' from the office or uni halls will have supported her through huge growth periods, been there to pick up the pieces and celebrate the good - probably watched her relationship with the groom develop. Just because you don't know them doesn't mean they are random people who don't mean things to the bride.
Beautifulmonster87 · 15/04/2022 16:38

I think you need to get over yourself! Why would you be invited? It isn’t your friend getting married! You admitted you don’t like those kind of things so your reaction is odd!

IDontHaveAnOutingHobby · 15/04/2022 16:33

My DD is getting married
We are paying
They are inviting- apparently its the done thing these days

Our friends are not invited but I may slip them in for the evening

babyjellyfish · 15/04/2022 16:26

OP, I think it is normal for the parents of the bride and groom to invite a few of their friends, but not many.

A lot of wedding venues have a hard limit on numbers, so even if the couple have a large budget, if the room will only fit 120 people in it, they aren't going to want half those people to be their parents' friends instead of their own.

Please don't let this come between you and your friend. Her daughter's wedding is really nothing to do with you.

phoenixrosehere · 15/04/2022 16:21

I would think a family friend of 30+ years standing would rank a bit higher than some rando from the bride or groom's office or a uni roommate. Especially those who have perhaps done childminding, given gifts over the years, been invited to other family events, etc.

Maybe but that is still up to the bride and groom and how many people they actually want there or can have. OP’s post isn’t even focused on the bride whatsoever so either we are going to get a massive drip feed or OP isn’t close to the bride at all yet expects because her friend is paying, she automatically gets an invite just because she is close with the mum.

I recall many of my mum’s friends and if I based it off of gifts and childminding maybe one bought me a birthday gift once (that I know of) my entire life (in my 30s), one I did childcare for them a few times (also worked with them) and maybe one watched me once as a child, that’s it but I know they were nice to me when I did see them and if I based it off the last time I saw any of them it would be maybe 2015 (after I been married for a few years and had my first) and before my wedding at least 2+ years.

Madmaxxy · 15/04/2022 16:05

I'm not inviting my mum's friends to my wedding....

ittakes2 · 15/04/2022 16:00

Is this a reverse? You say nothing about your relationship with the bride and yet you are annoyed she has not invited you to her wedding?

KosherDill · 15/04/2022 15:56

I would think a family friend of 30+ years standing would rank a bit higher than some rando from the bride or groom's office or a uni roommate. Especially those who have perhaps done childminding, given gifts over the years, been invited to other family events, etc.

If it's just the bride's mother's tennis pal whom the bride has never met, that's a different scenario.

LakieLady · 15/04/2022 15:51

It's up to the bride and groom who they invite, no-one else.

This isn't your friend's decision.

ExplodingElephants · 15/04/2022 15:46

YABU. Why are you even that desperate to go? Don’t you get out much?

Lesperance · 15/04/2022 15:40

I invited some of my parents' friends to my wedding, people who I was close to, that I like, who were around when I was growing up. If you were one of those types of friends, I understand that you are feeling hurt, but you haven't actually mentioned the bride. Are you close? Did you kids grow up together? Would they go and stay with you without their parents? Being good friends with the parents shouldn't be enough. You should have a relationship with the bride or groom.

zingally · 15/04/2022 14:59

YABU. Weddings are notoriously tricky on numbers, and presumably bride and groom would rather prioritise their own friends, rather than a pal of mums (who has openly said previously she doesn't like weddings!)

Consider the circle of influence around the bride/groom. With them in the centre, moving outwards, it goes parents and siblings, grandparents, very best friends, aunties and uncles, cousins, other friends, friendly work colleagues, then you. "Mums friend" is literally bottom of the pecking order. And if you're considering dumping this friendship because you didn't get an invite, then you're not as close as you thought you were, are you?

What nonsense.

CrowAndArrow · 15/04/2022 14:10

My best friend of 50 years (who I see weekly) has 3 children who I see as nieces and nephews. I wouldn't expect to be invited to their weddings. Would be lovely, but not expected. Their friends will no doubt come in higher on the list - and rightly so.

KosherDill · 15/04/2022 13:32

I don't blame you, OP.

The children of my old friends are like nieces and nephews to me. Not being invited to their weddings would feel like a huge snub.

Livelovebehappy · 15/04/2022 13:25

I had the same thing a couple of weeks ago. A very close friend's daughter married, and I didn't get invited to the wedding or evening do. But to be honest, neither did any of her other friends, so I felt okay about it. I haven't seen her daughter since her school days when we shared after school care, so I kind of thought, well why would her daughter want me there? Back in the days when I got married, it was common for your parents' to invite all their close friends, usually because they paid for it all, but these days the couples who marry also tend to invest money into the wedding, so I assume will feel less inclined to invite friends of their parents when there are other people they'd prefer to be there.

CounsellorTroi · 15/04/2022 13:16

My DH (and I) were invited to DH’s oldest friend’s daughter’s wedding.

My mum did invite some of her friends to my wedding but they were mostly people who’d known me since I was a baby.

ddl1 · 15/04/2022 13:15

Do you even know the daughter well? I would expect that the wedding guests- apart from the actual families, would be the bride and groom's friends- not their parents' friends. It's not really fair to expect your friend to get you an invitation to her daughter's wedding.