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Original poster

Regret having 3rd child

185 replies

Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 05:51

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest.

Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 19:42

@Fundays12

Hi OP I have 3 and it is hard work. The pandemic has made it so much harder having a baby or toddler too and thrown in difficulties unless you have a toddler and school age kids you can’t imagine, I have a 10 year old, 5.5 year old and a 2 year old. My youngest is 2 years 8 months and things are now getting easier. He still needs lots of supervision but I always found 18 months the hardest stage. Suddenly he will sit and play with his older siblings happily in the living room while I clean the kitchen, he can go into our fully enclosed locked garden without me having to hold his hand and just play. He can eat independently and drink from a cup well. He is potty trained. I just feel like I can breathe.

It does get easier i promise but right now you are at the difficult stage. If you can afford it try get your little one into a childminder or nursery one day a week. This has made a huge difference to me mentally. Also try not to plan things that toddlers get easily bored at. Family meals in restaurants are not fun with 3 kids including a toddler order a pizza instead, go to a park and let them run around and tire themselves out, get out of everyday, put them in the garden with lunch to play and get your little one tired out. Get him to toddler groups when you can.

Thank you - good to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel!
OP posts:
Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 19:41

@GnomeDePlume

At 18 months your youngest hasn't yet slotted into being part of 'us'. At the moment 'us' is you, DH and DCs 1&2. DC3 is an extra to 'us'.

It's a bit like having to take a random school friend everywhere with you. They are unpredictable, don't necessarily want the same food, need a different bedtime. The list goes on.

But the good thing is that they will get more predictable. They will soon become one of 'us'. This speeds up when they start to talk and make sense. As a PP said, as the youngest they do tend to get pulled along by older siblings. You will then have to remind yourself of the age gap from time to time.

It gets better.

Thank you, yes I think that’s it - he’s not quite slotted in yet. The random school friend comment made me laugh
OP posts:
Original poster
Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 19:38

@Scarybutnecassary

OP first of all,it will get easier…I promise! Same age gap when my 3rd was born . Birth…failed epidural, felt incision for ELCS ,too much pain relief which crossed placenta so son on SCBU for two days ! Three weeks,aspiration pneumonia in PICU dot 4 days Diagnosed with GERD All the above led to regular hospital admission throughout baby/toddlerhood Son was very stressy and tricky as a result of his medical problems. Somehow we got through ,elder two just spent a lot of time at friends and grandmas . Got the older two to play,read with baby ,so they felt more involved. Now fast forward 20+ years ,growing up all three have been really close,all very different personalities and my son is a lovely,wise,funny,sporty and very sociable guy. Off traveling once he finishes his economic degree and I can honestly say he is absolutely brilliant and is a huge asset to our family. Hang on ….it will get easier.💐
Thank you!! This has made me feel better!
OP posts:
Ohfgsnotagain · 11/04/2022 18:14

You’re not alone OP. I know several couples who had a third with an age gap and found it really hard.

I have three but I had three in three years which has its own challenges but they can all play together.

I know two couples who had children aged 6 and 8 and another who had children aged 9 and 7 when they had a third. One couple bitterly regrets it because their third child was really hard work for the first five years and mum feels she effectively missed out on five years with her other two children.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/04/2022 15:14

That's not remotely what your post said. You shared something truly dreadful that happened to you which was bound to make the op feel even worse for finding her life hard. Grim

@AProperStinging I took exactly the meaning @Chestnutpony ascribes to her post - thankful mindfulness.

Your reply is incredibly insensitive. Especially your use of 'grim' at the end

again2020 · 11/04/2022 13:41

Ah, sorry Flowers

again2020 · 11/04/2022 13:40

Haven't RTFT and I don't have 3 myself but I remember disliking when my DD was 18months with a passion.
She didn't sleep well, climbed out of her buggy constantly, didn't eat, didn't want to get dressed and was constantly dragging me off in another direction. Once you are past 2.5 with your youngest I'm sure it will get a little easier.

Hang on in there [flowers}

SomethingOnce · 11/04/2022 13:36

opinionated but not able to verbalise it

DC3 (1.5) deals with this by pointing and screeching like you wouldn’t believe. Neither of the older ones screeched.

Solidarity, OP. It’ll work out.

GnomeDePlume · 11/04/2022 13:17

18 months ia a tricky age, mobile but no sense, opinionated but not able to verbalise it

MotherOfCrocodiles · 11/04/2022 12:16

Whoa there are a lot of bitchy replies on here.

The age gap isn't even that large, 4 years. It's just very apparent now, but in a couple of years will seem much less.

18 months is a horrible age, you must remember from your earlier two. It will all be different in 6-12 months.

Make sure your DH takes the little one sometimes so you have time with the big ones- not always you with the baby.

Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 11/04/2022 11:58

It'll get easier, probably quite soon actually. Once the youngest gets nearer to 3 it will be lovely.

I have 8! I find 1 to about 2 and a half really hard, I do know why I've put myself through it so many time tbh Grin they're manageable when there's only one but with other kids too it can be overwhelming.

Ilikecheeseontoast · 11/04/2022 11:25

This makes me feel so much better!

CornishGem1975 · 11/04/2022 11:21

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@imhereforthecake

I am also expecting my third shortly - don’t let this thread bother you. People on MN don’t seem to enjoy having children and make a huge meal out of it/plenty of threads where they regret having one or find two difficult etc. If you have enjoyed two and enjoy parenting I’m sure it will be fine, don’t worry.[/quote]
I had my third child after a 13-year break so it was a really big challenge going back to babies and toddlers again but I wouldn't change a thing.

Of course, it's hard work but honestly? No harder than having just one or two because all children are different and make different demands.

If you don't want hard work, and you want an easy life - don't have kids!

HardbackWriter · 11/04/2022 11:13

I also think this is as much about the age as about three. I have a nearly four year old and a 14 month old - the 14 month old is not quite walking but desperate to so hates any activity where he is still (e.g. his buggy, the car). I adore him and am so glad we had him but right now it feels like the world is full of activities that would be brilliant fun to do with my preschooler but that are just such hard work with his little brother. It'll pass, I tell myself, it'll pass!

Silvercatowner · 11/04/2022 11:12

Sorry not helpful
So why bloody say it??

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/04/2022 11:08

This too will pass.

budgiegirl · 11/04/2022 11:06

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@imhereforthecake

I am also expecting my third shortly - don’t let this thread bother you. People on MN don’t seem to enjoy having children and make a huge meal out of it/plenty of threads where they regret having one or find two difficult etc. If you have enjoyed two and enjoy parenting I’m sure it will be fine, don’t worry.[/quote]
I think it's unfair to say that people on MN don't enjoy having children, just because they are struggling sometimes.

IME, having three is a big jump from having two (I appreciate not everyone feels that way). I found it to be the biggest jump of all. I don't regret it, and I enjoy having children very much (although they're all grown up now), but there were many, many times when I wondered why I'd chosen to do it all again.

When my youngest was 18 months, my elder two were 5 and 4, and were becoming more independent. It was very hard (especially on holiday) not to think "This would be so easy with just the two older ones". Then I'd feel guilty for feeling that way.

OP, this is the toughest time. It will pass. It's fantastic having three, especially once they are older, but it's ok to feel overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Having three kids is tough! But you'll get there, and it will get easier.

Himawarigirl · 11/04/2022 10:43

I have a 9, 6 and almost 3 yr old. It does get easier. I would never have tried to go on a proper holiday with the ages you have and covid saved us from having to contemplate it. But we’re on a trip visiting family at the moment and it’s made me realise that my youngest is so much easier now. He doesn’t need someone watching him every minute, naps are dropping so days are more flexible. It’s so tough at the ages you have and I can totally understand that you have moments where you know how it would feel as a family of four and it would be awesome. Having three is relentless and your youngest is at a tough age. But once they’re 2 and onwards the youngest starts to be a person and part of the gang rather than an add on baby. So I hope things will look up for you soon. And keep in mind a holiday will throw it all into relief as it’s tricky to manage everyone’s needs and so appealing to see how easy it would be with just your older two. Due to covid our youngest didn’t cause any real sacrifices as we couldn’t do anything anyway. But I can understand how you feel. We’ve taken the longer view, we knew we were signing up for a hard few years and have been looking forward to our youngest reaching the age that we knew things got easier with our first two. Good luck.

napody · 11/04/2022 10:27

I decided against a third myself but just wanted to say I love being one of three siblings myself. So don’t feel guilty about what they’re experiencing right now, I think there’s a good chance they’ll appreciate being three as they grow up. The dynamics seem more intense in other ways with two- for example when it’s one’s birthday, it’s the other ones not-birthday if that makes sense! When there’s three of you, you all have to be a bit more low maintenance!
Of course it will get easier over the next couple of years, hang in there and echo all comments saying make sure you rotate kids with your DH and don’t end up with the toddler all the time.

kmbegs · 11/04/2022 10:19

I agree with everyone 18 months is a really really difficult stage. My DS is 2 and we recently went out for lunch with my brother and his 18 month old and I had forgotten how much work it was at that age, and mine isn't even much older! It gets massively easier once they hit 2. Stick in, it'll be worth it one day.

Scarybutnecassary · 11/04/2022 09:49

@RaspberryChouxBuns

Is there anything enjoyable about having an 18 month old?! No matter what position they are in the family they can be an absolute nightmare Grin You're nearly there, you're nearly out of the trenches. Once that baby is out of nappies you'll rediscover that freedom. Try to make time for the older ones one on one or just time without the baby, being 8 and 6 sometimes they'll just want to do "big kid" things with Mum/Dad. You're a good Mum by the sounds of it, it really is this hard!
Really lovely,kind ,supportive advice 💕
Ilikecheeseontoast · 11/04/2022 09:32

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@imhereforthecake

I am also expecting my third shortly - don’t let this thread bother you. People on MN don’t seem to enjoy having children and make a huge meal out of it/plenty of threads where they regret having one or find two difficult etc. If you have enjoyed two and enjoy parenting I’m sure it will be fine, don’t worry.[/quote]
I massively enjoyed having two and was the happiest, most chilled out parent. 3 is a whole different ball game in my experience. Please don’t minimise people’s experience or judge unfairly. The OP was asking for support rather than judgement.

MargaritasOnMe · 11/04/2022 09:31

@imhereforthecake don't worry! It will honestly be fine! I described my 3 as "carnage" and it is but also it's brilliant! Wouldn't swap my dc or my life now for anything!!

SnowingInApril · 11/04/2022 09:26

18 months is such a difficult age. Not yet potty trained, so still lugging a changing bag everywhere. Too little to walk all day, although they probably want to! Thus needing a pushchair, which is a pain on holidays with steps and luggage etc. Not quite big enough for a bed, too big for a cot. Needing a high chair at meal times. Factoring in naps.
I mean I could go on. Plus you have the added bonus of seeing their older siblings doing all these v exciting activities that they want to but can’t. Lots of tears of frustration for the youngest.

Like all these things, it will pass and it will get better. I found the turning point to be age 4 for the youngest but you never know, yours may come earlier.

Giraffesandbottoms · 11/04/2022 09:23

@imhereforthecake

I am also expecting my third shortly - don’t let this thread bother you. People on MN don’t seem to enjoy having children and make a huge meal out of it/plenty of threads where they regret having one or find two difficult etc. If you have enjoyed two and enjoy parenting I’m sure it will be fine, don’t worry.