Page 2 | Regret having 3rd child

Newusername3kidss · 2022-04-11T04:51:02+00:00

Have name changed as people know me on here. I know I am being unreasonable as children are a blessing and he was very much wanted but honestly if I could go back I wouldn’t have had a third. They are 8, 6 and 18 months and everything is just hard work because of the youngest. Went on holiday last week and from the flight to every meal time to every painful bedtime all I kept thinking was we’d be having such a lovely time if it was just the 4 of us. My older boys are at thar brilliant stage where they are a bit independent but also want to spend time with me and I feel like I’m missing out so much as so much of my time and effort is spent with the youngest who just never stops. If someone out there has been in similar position please tell me it gets easier as I’m going under at the moment. We had such a great dynamic the 4 of us and I feel that rather than “completing” our family having a third has just messed it up.

MsTSwift · 13/04/2022 07:01

Far too many people already on an overcrowded planet struggling for resources - everyone should stop at two. You all know it really - hence the anger.

Original poster

Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 06:00

@PotteringAlong

I have 3 - they’re now 9, 7 and 5.

The difference from 2 to 3 is massive. It’s not like adding another child, it’s like adding lots of other children. It’s exponential chaos. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

I feel I’m just emerging from the chaos but solidarity with you @Newusername3kidss. I love my 3rd to bits and he completes our family in a way it wasn’t before. But if I knew 6 years ago what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

It DOES get less bonkers though

Ha ha that’s it - definitely feels like we’ve added more than one child! He is great fun, his nursery absolutely adore him as he’s such a character but jeez this age is tough!

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:56

@Ilikecheeseontoast

Yes! I’m in exactly the same position and the youngest is such hard work! He’s 20 months and spends most days screaming, wrecking his older siblings play, making a mess or trying to involve himself in dangerous situations… from running across a car park to jumping in the duck pond. I’m constantly on high alert and it’s really affecting my mental health at the moment. I feel like I’m on the verge of depression with it all. I really hope things improve over the next year. Obviously I love him and he’s the cutest, cuddliest little ball of swishy fun but I often pine for ‘the old days’. No advice just solidarity!

I appreciate the solidarity!

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:54

@MsTSwift

Did warn you it’s an unpopular view!

Do one.

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:53

@wejammin

I have 3, ages 10, 7 and 3. Definitely finding that it is hard to choose the right activities that work across the age ranges, eg 10 and 7 are desperate to see the Sonic movie but 3 will never sit through it at the cinema. We do end up doing separate things so DH will take the older 2 somewhere and I will take the little one, and vice versa. We also keep DC3 in nursery during the school holidays (he's only in 2 days a week) so that DC1 and 2 can do activities that are not suitable for him. Holidays with toddlers are always shit, aren't they. I've not attempted abroad since the oldest were 1 and 4 and it was such a waste of money. Not trying it again until youngest is 5.

We ate obviously lunatics as this is our second holiday abroad with all 3. I think I didn’t really think through that we’d have to divide and conquer so much. Boys also want to see sonic so we’ll be tossing a coin to see who gets to go and who has to stay home with the toddler!

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:50

@IdrisElbow

Every now and then there is a thread on MN which truly highlights how utterly nasty some people can be, and this is one of them. Some horrible responses. So because the OP has creates a 'self inflicted' situation, she is not allowed to find it difficult or have a whinge about it? It would be like you complaining about sleep deprivation with any of your children and someone saying 'oh well you did it to yourself, what did you expect?'.

I'm in a similar situation OP with an almost identical age gap. It wasn't a planned pregnancy (so even more self inflicted, quick everyone, pile on). Our DC3 is 6 months now, we are just doing weaning and almost on a daily basis I think to myself oh god, I can't believe we are going through all this again. He is an absolute delight and has enriched our lives in so many ways after an absolutely hideous couple of years, but it's still hard and I'm braced for it getting harder.

A friend who has 3 told us the best thing we can do with 3 is to divide and conquer and that's what we have done. DH and I try to make sure we have some 1-2-1 time with our older 2 DC each week and we just are taking it one day at a time. The replies which say it gets easier give me courage. But you're not the only one going through it, I empathise with those feelings!

Thank you! Don’t worry I was expecting some dick head comments, they must feel so big and clever being able to say mean things anonymously. Hope it brightens their day.

There are some lovely comments on here and I’m actually feeling much better! Think I forgot how tricky 18 months is!!

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safclass · 13/04/2022 05:49

I don't think she was saying it was!
I thought she was supporting OP from those negative 'did you not think about it/realise.....'
She was saying that even when situations are planned and considered you actually do not the reality until you are living it!
I'm the third of 4 and when my mam tells me how my brother , 2nd of 4, behaved I'm amazed she even considered having me! However I was the easy child!

Original poster

Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:46

@merrymelodies

My sister regretted having a third so much that she demanded that her H get the snip. That was about when her DC were 1, 4 and 6 yrs old. Once over the hump of baby/toddler stage, she was much happier and loves all of them to bits.

Definitely definitely not having another even though older boys are nagging for another baby!!

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:44

Thanks again everyone for the kind comments. Just to reassure you I love my children very much hence why I feel guilt that I am spreading myself too thin and not spending quality time with older ones as my youngest is so demanding. My older ones are actually nagging me to have another baby though (they want a sister) so obviously it’s not been too damaging for them. I love a noisy hectic home but I also want to do my absolute best for all of them. Before having a third I thought about practical things like a bigger car, making sure we’re financially able, I was extremely fit and healthy and lots of energy etc etc. It’s the missing out with my older two that I didn’t really think about. I know it’s not a huge age gap but it’s big enough. Can’t go the cinema for instance with all 3 yet so there’s a lot of time I have the baby and my husband does the fun stuff with older two.

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:39

@OnTheHillNotOverIt

It’s hard. 1 year olds are a nightmare. Beautiful cherubs who can move fast with no comprehension of danger at all.

It’s so tiring and so much to do at home and to juggle, never feeling you get the balance right.

But time passes! Things get easier. The little one says funny things and laughs at the big ones jokes.

I can remember the first time we got in the car and everyone fastened their own seat belts and the first time we ate dinner and there was no need to sweep up.
Those things sound trivial but they were big landmarks.

My 4 are teens and young adults. They are great and love each other. Everything changes.

Ha ha - fastening own seatbelts and a meal with no mess! Literally the dream

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:38

@Himawarigirl

I have a 9, 6 and almost 3 yr old. It does get easier. I would never have tried to go on a proper holiday with the ages you have and covid saved us from having to contemplate it. But we’re on a trip visiting family at the moment and it’s made me realise that my youngest is so much easier now. He doesn’t need someone watching him every minute, naps are dropping so days are more flexible. It’s so tough at the ages you have and I can totally understand that you have moments where you know how it would feel as a family of four and it would be awesome. Having three is relentless and your youngest is at a tough age. But once they’re 2 and onwards the youngest starts to be a person and part of the gang rather than an add on baby. So I hope things will look up for you soon. And keep in mind a holiday will throw it all into relief as it’s tricky to manage everyone’s needs and so appealing to see how easy it would be with just your older two. Due to covid our youngest didn’t cause any real sacrifices as we couldn’t do anything anyway. But I can understand how you feel. We’ve taken the longer view, we knew we were signing up for a hard few years and have been looking forward to our youngest reaching the age that we knew things got easier with our first two. Good luck.

Thank you so much. Honestly I appreciate these supportive comments so much.

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:35

@SnowingInApril

18 months is such a difficult age. Not yet potty trained, so still lugging a changing bag everywhere. Too little to walk all day, although they probably want to! Thus needing a pushchair, which is a pain on holidays with steps and luggage etc. Not quite big enough for a bed, too big for a cot. Needing a high chair at meal times. Factoring in naps. I mean I could go on. Plus you have the added bonus of seeing their older siblings doing all these v exciting activities that they want to but can’t. Lots of tears of frustration for the youngest.

Like all these things, it will pass and it will get better. I found the turning point to be age 4 for the youngest but you never know, yours may come earlier.

Thank you !!

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:33

@RaspberryChouxBuns

Is there anything enjoyable about having an 18 month old?! No matter what position they are in the family they can be an absolute nightmare

You're nearly there, you're nearly out of the trenches. Once that baby is out of nappies you'll rediscover that freedom. Try to make time for the older ones one on one or just time without the baby, being 8 and 6 sometimes they'll just want to do "big kid" things with Mum/Dad. You're a good Mum by the sounds of it, it really is this hard!

Thank you! There are some really lovely comments on here. I think I just forgot what an 18 month old is like! He’s not speaking yet so there’s a lot of whinging when he’s trying to make himself understood and is frustrated.

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Newusername3kidss · 13/04/2022 05:11

@3littleowls

I have three at ages 6, 4 and 22 months and I completely understand how frazzled and chaotic it can feel at times OP. I have seen so much difference in the last few months with my youngest at just a little bit older than your youngest OP - she listens more and understands more and can play better with my 4 year old so it's not always up to me to entertain her. Hang on in there - it will get easier in many ways very soon, and I've seen this age is one of the toughest with three children in other families I know. Once the youngest is growing more and more independent, it becomes easier to manage trips out I've been assured! Could you have the odd trip out with your two eldest while someone looks after your youngest so as to have a bit of time doing things at their level and stage? I've tried this a few times and my elder two enjoy the faster pace we can go and not having to hold back so much for the youngest.

Thank you. By default I’m always left with the baby but I need to mix this up!

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bendmeoverbackwards · 12/04/2022 18:16

OP I hear you and please ignore the nasty replies.

I have 3, they are now 20, 19 and 15. 21 month gap (hard work!), then a 4 year gap. Dd3 felt like a real treat as a baby/toddler, we had a lot of fun together when the older 2 were at school. She had a cheeky funny sense about her that my more serious older two didn’t have. She has a wonderful way with words and makes us all laugh.

For us the challenge has been dd3 being diagnosed with autism aged 11. We’ve had and still have huge problems surrounding this and family life can be tough sometimes. She is now 15 which is hard enough at the best of times. I too wonder how much simpler life would be if we’d stopped at 2. But then I make myself think positively - what fun and joy she has brought to our family, how sweet, loving (and funny) she can be. The tough times will pass eventually.

The dynamics constantly shift with 3 dc, first one pair get on well then another pairing and so on.

UpsetApplecart · 11/04/2022 22:55

I have 3 with similar age gaps. Now they are a little older it's much easier! What I enjoy about having 3 is life is so busy that adding another couple of children (ie friends/ cousins) doesn't feel too crazy and as such our house feels really welcoming.

I do understand about feeling all attention needs to be on the youngest and missing out on the fun things with the others but it's a short phase. My youngest is so much more self sufficient and really does slot in now.

Plus as an adult I like having 2 siblings. It was comforting when my parents died and it makes Christmas and other occasions more fun.

Horst · 11/04/2022 20:38

Oh I agree the age gap long term isn’t anything to even look at but the gap between say a baby:toddler and a more able child is big when young.

Once they start primary is all even stevens over which child brings home the drama or needs the extra help. Just baby toddler stage is exactly that and it’s work in Its self without having more able children when you remember back to these things being so easy before.

My problem is oldest and youngest tag team about middle now 😅 then sometimes we have girls v boys and oldest loses out there.

User48751490 · 11/04/2022 20:30

@Ablababla

Mine were 5 and 7 when youngest was born. There’s lots of lovely things about having a little one, their relationship and the gap which are great - but it is bloody hard work. Even now youngest is 4 it hasn’t really got better (sorry). Imagine trying to have an in-depth discussion about a 12 year old’s geography homework whilst a four year old is screaming in your face because they are not getting enough attention. That was today.

I think it’s important to make time for all of them. I’ve had to dial it back at work to facilitate this and basically don’t have any me time. But we make a point of, for example, playing g a board game with the older two once the little one is on bed and I take them out on Saturdays while DH stays with little one.

Despite that I love having three and wouldn’t change it for anything.

I go through the same struggles too with my youngest who is 4yo. It doesn't get much easier in a lot of ways 😬

My eldest is used to all the interruptions during the day so we talk with the older ones in the evenings now about anything meaningful so they get my full attention.

Ablababla · 11/04/2022 20:22

Mine were 5 and 7 when youngest was born. There’s lots of lovely things about having a little one, their relationship and the gap which are great - but it is bloody hard work. Even now youngest is 4 it hasn’t really got better (sorry). Imagine trying to have an in-depth discussion about a 12 year old’s geography homework whilst a four year old is screaming in your face because they are not getting enough attention. That was today.

I think it’s important to make time for all of them. I’ve had to dial it back at work to facilitate this and basically don’t have any me time. But we make a point of, for example, playing g a board game with the older two once the little one is on bed and I take them out on Saturdays while DH stays with little one.

Despite that I love having three and wouldn’t change it for anything.

StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 11/04/2022 20:18

Good luck @Newusername3kidss there are plenty of us who found the jump from 2 to
3 tough despite having logically understood that it would be tougher. I found three exponentially more difficult - you haven't enough hands between the two of you, you can't listen to all of them at the same time and it just is harder.
And 18 months is the thick of it in terms of needing eyes in the back of your head, more sleep and having to negotiate demands and moods.
So I send you my sympathy as it is tough and I think make sure to get some time to yourself as much as you can and look for trips with kids clubs and other activities that don't involve both parents all the time. Could you set a time each day for quiet time where all three children listen to music or an audio book or the older ones read while the younger one watches tv with your DH so you can get out for a walk?
It will pass - my three are 9, 7 and 5 now and we have definitely entered a new phase.

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 11/04/2022 20:16

It’s hard. 1 year olds are a nightmare. Beautiful cherubs who can move fast with no comprehension of danger at all.

It’s so tiring and so much to do at home and to juggle, never feeling you get the balance right.

But time passes! Things get easier. The little one says funny things and laughs at the big ones jokes.

I can remember the first time we got in the car and everyone fastened their own seat belts and the first time we ate dinner and there was no need to sweep up.
Those things sound trivial but they were big landmarks.

My 4 are teens and young adults. They are great and love each other. Everything changes.

Secondsop · 11/04/2022 19:51

Hi OP, I had a surprise 3rd in lockdown, after being fully convinced our family of 2 boys was done and dusted (I was also aged 44 so truly did not think any more children were on the cards). When she was born the boys were 7 and 6. The little one is now 21 months and honestly you’ve been on holiday at the worst age and I remember thinking that myself in February half-term holiday where it really felt very much “same stuff different place”. 18 months is so difficult - too big to be carted round compliantly, and too small to really do a lot of stuff with, and mine was either whining about being in the buggy or whining about being out of the buggy.

A couple of months later and things are getting easier - she’s able to make herself understood better, she has always been a good sleeper, although we’re not planning holidays for a while apart from visiting family where there are other kids so her entertainment is baked in. It’s hard especially when your older 2 are at such a nice age. But you’ll get there! I have no real suggestions but just wanted to show solidarity.

minipie · 11/04/2022 19:49

I’m sure you knew there would be these downsides, but you wanted to have a third anyway. Focus on the things that made you want a third child.

The fact you didn’t feel your family was complete with 2? The wish to have a bigger family? Wanting to see your older ones as big siblings? Even just biological urge which meant you weren’t happy without a third.

There must have been reasons - remember those and you will be more at peace with the way things are.

And remember, your third child will be an older child and an adult for a LOT longer than he’ll be a baby and toddler. This is just a phase!

Original poster

Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 19:46

Thank you for all the kind comments. For the few “you’re a dick for not knowing it would be hard” comments I found 1 baby easy and 1 to 2 fine as well. I assumed because the older two were more independent I would find a 3rd easy. Didn’t realise I’d miss older ones as much. Because I only recently stopped breastfeeding the default was husband does the (fun) stuff with older two and I’d be stuck with the baby. I need to make sure we switch this up more.

And only one “I’m personally responsible for killing the world by having 3 kids” comment. Not bad for mumsnet

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Newusername3kidss · 11/04/2022 19:44

@Brightsunshinyday

Mine are 10, 7 and 2 and I completely understand the sentiment. In response to all the people on here questioning our decision to have a third with such a large age gap: I HAD FORGOTTEN WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A TODDLER! OP, as the little one gets older, it gets much easier. I try to squeeze in time with just the older two where I can, for example picking the younger one up from nursery later so I can have a boardgame with them. There are also activities that all three enjoy, for example, going swimming or - weirdly - grocery shopping. The older ones often come to join story time too. And we all love baking together. The little one will be able to fit in with more activities as they get older. At 28 months, we even go to the cinema with the whole family. Hang in there!

Cinema with all of them is the dream!! Thank you

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