Restraining autistic violent child, is it ever OK?

Of course it's not only okay but necessary.

Haven't RTFT yet but just while I have a moment to respond: DD is autistic and her meltdowns were spectacular for many years. We don't need to restrain her anymore, as a general rule, because now she's 11 the outward explosion has turned inwards and she is having serious problems with anxiety instead. In some ways, the violent meltdowns were easier to manage. :-(

One thing I wanted to mention, apart from obviously saying that you absolutely must do what you need to keep everyone safe, is to think about the way you respond in the moment. You may well already be doing this, of course, but I found that staying supremely calm and empathetic - even when I most certainly didn't FEEL calm and empathetic! - was really helpful when DD was melting down. I would gently say that I could see how upset she was, that I was there for her, that she was safe and that I would keep us BOTH safe. Yes, I would have to restrain her in a tight bear hug, catch wrists and hold them, prevent legs from kicking out etc. But I kept giving the message that it was going to be OK (not that she WAS okay, because clearly in that moment she was not - an important distinction I think). And that I was there and would keep everyone safe.

Apologies if this isn't relevant or useful. I guess this might be a useless approach if your DS doesn't have much understanding of speech yet. But it did really help us, along with changing my own 'lens': when she was kicking off she was HAVING a hard time, not GIVING ME a hard time. That helped me stay empathetic and understanding rather than resorting to shouting, angry expressions, etc.

There is PBS training for parents and there is deescalation similar to team teach but I found it more helpful as there was more direct examples of how to implenent the ideas.

PBS is positive behavioral support and it has a lot more information and help and support to help him in all the time around his meltdowns to help them be less common.

There is online training and there is a physical element that im not sure if they teach parents but I found there was enough in the theory to start to reduce the behaviours anyway.

I have done NVR and Team Teach. My DD (10) does not have any SEN at all, no DX but has a lot of unresolved trauma due to some DV she has witnessed so she kicks and bucks, and does it very hard. I have been physically marked more times than I can count and she is a small, light thing. I have to restrain her legs now as I found my own response to it worrying as I get very angry and want to lash out back at her and obviously I can't retaliate. It is really, really hard to deal with as a parent. I do not think YABU OP. As you said, we can't be punchbags, it doesn't do our DC any favours or oursleves.

It's got to be done sometimes ( I have a strapping 17 year old severely autistic son ) but what annoys me is teachers get training in restraining but parents can't get trained 🤷‍♀️.

You poor thing. That is so incredibly tough and I am in awe of you.
One thing that may help is a weighted blanket (heavier the better), to act as a sort of barrier between you both when you need to restrain him.

Me and a couple of other parents asked about restraint on our NVR course. They're not allowed to teach us it.
So we still get hurt and the house smashed up but now we're even more guilty we missed our DC's meltdown cues.

But I do still restrain when I have to. I didn't the other week, I tried to calm my DD, and ended up being badly injured and having a cut glued together in A&E.

That sounds really hard op, and I think that given the circumstances that sounds like the safest, kindest restraint.

I hope you get the proper support you need.

Certainly I know that some CAMHs run or refer to courses on non violent resistance for parents. I was mighty miffed that our CAMHs didn’t refer us although they provided one. It seeemed to be a bit hit abs miss. You had to ask for it - bit difficult if you weren’t aware of it!

It's perfectly ok to restrain your child to keep everyone safe and property undamaged, if he's already in a special school setting then they will be doing that too.

Not everyone has a natural aptitude for safe-restraint techniques, even if they have had training and I've seen bruises on some children because of this. Wearing comfortable clothing yourself is essential as you never know where or when you might suddenly be on the ground with your bum in the air.

I was lucky in that I already had this aptitude from playing a range of contact sports before I had ds. Finding what de-escalates things is essential although it can be quite random - somehow I found that if I stretched ds's legs whilst he held onto the sofa helped calm him for the day.

15 years after the meltdowns started (ds now 20) I am happy to report that DS is one of the most calm and unviolent people I've ever met. So have hope OP x.

It's deeply upsetting being attacked by your own child. Hugs.

I'm no expert OP but you seem like a wonderful, caring parent in what must be a very hard situation. I think you seem to be handling it in the only possible good way, where you and he are in no danger of further harm. Again I'm no expert but seems like you're making the best possible choice.

My job is going into care homes and checking on the care that my clients - all adults with limited capacity - receive and i would always be monitoring the use of restraint.

What i look for is whether it was necessary at the time to prevent harm to themselves or others and fully accept that it is sometimes necessary - i mean some of my clients are over 6ft and 14 stone.

However, i would also look for reflective thinking after the event - what were the triggers ? What could i have done different? etc - an admission that you could have done something better is always a positive for me as it shows you have really thought about it.

I would also look for the things you would have or now put in place to prevent this happening again such as avoiding triggers etc.

If you are worried I would suggest keeping a diary of the incidents, include any diversion or de-escalating tactics you tried and your reflective thinking afterwards. If anyone expresses concern then you have the full information showing you are doing everything you can. It may also help you to identify a pattern or trigger that you have not noticed.

When our school did team teach training the parents of the child they were learning for was invited to come in and do it too.
Big hugs for you op.

Sorry, forgot the TT link!
www.teamteach.co.uk/parents/

Another one here who would advocate Team Teach training as a matter of urgency.
www.teamteach.co.uk/parents/
The basic premise of the TT approach is one of deescalation with safe handling where absolutely necessary. I’m sure you already utilise deescalation strategies with your ds, but talking through approaches to supporting him in challenging situations, and developing the skills to work as a team in the home is paramount to ensuring your DS is receiving all that they need.
I find it interesting that you talk about being ‘hands off’, not ‘telling him off’ as a strategy. Clearly, hitting a child is NEVER ok, neither is unnecessary restraint. But children need clear boundaries. All children. Different children may need different boundaries, but they still need them. Where a child is finding living in a neurotypical world very difficult, knowing what those boundaries are will go a long way to assuage their anxiety.
I appreciate that it’s so easy for strangers on the internet to give advice, we don’t live your life or have personal experience of your child. I hope you are able to find the support your family need for your child. You sound like a lovely mum x

I am sorry you are going through this. I dont know about restraint.

But I wanted to say dont give up on sensory/quiet areas. I think you are redirecting him to it too late if he is already in meltdown. Somehow he needs to be there before he is over stimulated. Also without a proper OT you wont know what sensory things to do to help him re-regulate. We spent years doing dim lights and fluffy toys to zero effect, for an OT to tell us our son needed to do something like push a heavy wheelbarrow arround the garden. I really recommend an OT.
if you do an yvonne newbold course she goes through lots of reasons meltdowns might happen and you can hopefully prevent more of them so it doesnt happen so often as it does feel they are without warning but generally there are warnings there.

I have used restraint techniques on my own severley autistic child,I have been trained in C&R as I used to be a mental health nurse,and i know they use team teach in his special school,it is what it is and i only ever do it to keep him safe .

There is team teach for parents (I've had it) but it does not involve restraint training.

Sounds like you’re doing your best. I think you will need some training as he gets older. Someone mentioned Team Teach above , which is what the SN school I’ve worked in uses when children needed restraint. Not sure if it’s just a school thing, but there must be a ‘home’ equivalent.

Restraint in school or secure placements needs two people but at home, that isn't always feasible. The advantage to doing some sort of restraint training, OP, is that you can avoid hurting your son but also yourself.

I really feel for you - specialist help takes FOREVER,and while you're waiting, your house becomes an unsafe place other children and pets get hurt, and you beat yourself up mentally. Please be kind to yourself and contact the council as often as you possibly can.

I did a restraint course as a disabled carer for a severely autistic child, and I was taught a restraint using a weighted blanket which was basically like rolling up a body in a rug (like on tv), but it was really gentle and effective. Child lies on blanket then you simply roll them up tightly with their head sticking out. The pressure and weight was calming and he couldn't flail.

"I grew up as a young carer and social services referred myself and my mother to a course to teach self defence and restraint for such behaviours. So they seem to approve of such measures, as long as it's reasonable"

Social services can refer to courses that teach deescalation and techniques known as breakaway techniques (I have done such a course) but I have not heard of anyone recently being taught restraint techniques. Legally it would be a minefield for the company providing the courses and for social services. Social services would choose looking after a child themselves over providing training. (To be clear I am not saying they remove a child if someone restrains, it is the providing training that they will not do).