Restraining autistic violent child, is it ever OK?

Oh and @Nicholethejewellery have you never 'restrained' your toddler to prevent them from enthusiastically running out in front of a bus? Have you never 'restrained' them against their will in a pushchair or car seat? Have you never 'restrained' them to prevent them hurling a wooden toy at their baby sibling?

This is no different. Those of us having to restrain older children are doing it for their safety and for that of everyone else. We just have to do it longer than parents of non-disabled children.

If he were to punch me in the face or in any way deliberately try to HURT me rather that RESTRAIN me, then that would be 'another form of smacking AKA abuse'. He would not do that. I would not do that. The OP would not do that.

It's autism awareness/acceptance month. Clearly we have a long way still to go when people think of it as an 'illness'.

"That web page looks pretty one-sided, and I would probably give it a miss myself."

If you are talking about Yvonne's page - Yvonne has an adult son with a severe learning disability who had severe challenging behaviour when he was a child. She had no support from other agencies and had to work everything out for herself. She is a real expert by experience and now works closely with the NHS and learning disability services. She is tireless in campaigning and providing support for our young people and their families.

Over time you can learn the signs that a child is not calm. There will be body language or certain behaviours that indicate distressed behaviour is more likely and when you see them you can reduce demands which will help stop the anxiety escalating - attacking type behaviours are usually due to anxiety. The signs of arousal can be very subtle.
People often talk about finding the trigger but it can be more complex than that because it can often be a build up of events and circumstances.
The learning disability team can offer support with this. Around here they work with small groups of parents or with individual families in more complex cases.

I restrain my violent 5 year old. Not officialy diagnosed but suspected. It's either that or find a safe space where he can't throw stuff which we don't have. He also seems to be more upset and take much longer to come out of it if I use any variation of time out.

I do kind of like a bear hug but facing out so he can't hurt me. I think it calms him down better than any alternative.

No idea whether your 'supposed' to do. If I didn't other people would bear the brunt of it. He doesn't realise he's not a 2 year old anymore in terms of strength.

I think you just have to do what feels right. Gathering opinions on here is a good way of working it out when your not sure. Will be checking back as interested what others do. I also hope this is a constructive thread.

Lots of rationalising his emotions but explaining the(natural) consequences to being violent. Explaining ways we can deal with strong emotion instead. Most importantly tell him we love him whatever he does but every person has a right not to be subjected to violence. Only do the explaining when he's calmed sufficiently but close enough as possible to the actual incident as you can.

Oh, I just read the last page of the thread.

Of course parents can restrain kids to prevent them hurting themselves or others. Holding a hand to stop them running into the road is restraining them. Stopping them from getting off your lap and running around in the waiting room is restraining them.

OP you're doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances. Do not let anyone who hasn't walked in your shoes tell you otherwise! My DS is also autistic and when he had that type of meltdown I'd restrain him in a giant bear hug. He would fight against me but eventually the restraint would calm him down. It's not just about restraining them, weighted pressure is a recognised, effective intervention for people on the autistic spectrum.

• know how to safely hold your child so you can keep him from hurting himself, other children, etc.
• think about questions like: at what point does his behaviour become unsafe for him? When does it become safe again? Predetermined points are helpful.

• never think of the handling as the end-point or the consequence to behaviour, or the solution. It is to move a child from an unsafe situation to a safe one. So you need a space where he is safe, he can stay, it’s the unpleasant, and is quick to get to.

I don’t understand at all the comments about zero restraint on kids- of course if someone is kicking off or about to hurt themselves/endanger themselves you can certainly restrain them! It’s not violent at all and is clearly in the best interests of everyone here, including the child in question. I’d go as far as to say it’s the right thing to do and to do nothing would be a bad choice! x

Nobody advicates restraining a child because they are autistic. It would only ever be to avoid greater physical risk to themselves or others. Difficult that the Newbold article doesn't address how you protect the child from self harm, other children in the room, or yourself either.

This sounds really hard and knowing nothing about autism etc you sound very reasonable and I think your behaviour/restraint technique sounds totally acceptable to me - I don’t think you could do anything gentler than what you’re doing. You sound very caring & loving 💐 hope you can get some progress soon xo

In your circumstances I really can’t see what the safe alternative is.

I hope you get the help you need

"The reason for this is quite simple. The general belief is that it's wrong to get physical against a child. Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse."

The belief is that with behaviours that challenge it should be least restrictive practice so restraint should be the last resort when other less restrictive practice has not worked.

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way.

So I should stand back and watch him bang his head against a wall? I should let him bite me and kick and pinch and so on? I currently have two bite marks on my arms and multiple bruises from DS pinching and hitting as well as a bruise on my shin where he kicked me. My wrist and back hurt from when he leapt off his bed on to me, knocking me to the ground. I stay outwardly calm, I defend myself and on occasion restrain DS as gently as possible - he has never had a bruise or even a red mark from me, and I tell him continually that I love him, that I know he's angry/anxious/whatever.

Of course we try and avoid triggers, but I can't control what happens in school.

My not your 🙄

You absolutely can restrain a child.

Example. My son runs to the kitchen and because he is so strong and so agitated in full meltdown he is able to pull the (so called child safety locked) drawer clean out and he grabs a knife. He wants to cut himself and anyone he can with this knife.

Do I

a) call the police, by the time they arrive he will either have cut himself or managed to slash me, his dad and/or his brother

b) stand back and do absolutely nothing because restraining him is child abuse and watch while he stabs himself or run away and lock ourselves in a bedroom because all bedrooms have locks on them for our safety so he can't get in and attack us. When he finally calms down, call an ambulance or take him to A&E for his self inflicted stab wounds to be treated.

c) take the skills me and my husband both learned thanks to both of us having worked in the care sector and use them to restrain my son so that he can't drive that knife into himself or anyone else.

If social services were interested in any of those options it would probably be the one where I left your knife wielding son to it.

Sometimes restraining is the safest option.

"Who told you parents couldn't have restraint training?"

The CCG and social services. We asked for less than that (and did eventually get what we wanted) but the first response was that we don't offer restraint training because we would be legally liable if it wasn't used properly and also no company will provide it because of the requirement of two people and monitoring.

I am so sorry OP, having lived through this myself I know what it feels like.

Please google the recent reach on Folate Receptor Autoimmune Antibodies, carried out by Dr Frye and also Professor Raemakers. There are several peer reviewed studies easily searchable.

My autistic eight year old has derived great benefit from calcium folinate supplements - prescribed by the NHS, although we had to get testing done privately. It has improved his language to the point that meltdowns are much rarer, due to increased communication.

Feel free to PM me for further details, or anyone else who might be interested.

Autism isn't an illness.

And yes, you can restrain a child as a last resort for their own safety and that of others provided it is done safely and with the minimal amount of force needed. It is nothing like smacking.

Sorry but YABU. You can't physically restrain a child. Equally you can't just allow them to attack others so you're in a very difficult position. Basically doing nothing is not an option, restraining them is not an option, so you need to find another way.

The reason for this is quite simple. The general belief is that it's wrong to get physical against a child. Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse.

The child's behaviour is caused by their illness. They're behaving this way because of it, therefore you wouldn't feel the need to restrain them if they didn't have the illness. By adopting a different behaviour in restraining them because of their illness you are discriminating against them on the basis of disability. While you may not be committing a crime, do you want your child to grow up in a world where they are discriminated against because of their condition?

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't though, I don't envy you.

[quote Nineteeninetyfour]I've just read this page about why parents aren't given restraint training and why it should be avoided and now I feel even worse

yvonnenewbold.com/resources-on-send-vcb/violent-children-should-parents-ever-restrain-send-vcb-blog-6/[/quote]
Me too.

Thing is if an adult came up to me on the street and started hitting, kicking, headbutting, pinching, biting, stamping on my feet and following me when I tried to get away, I'd defend myself as best I could and hope a bystander was calling the police.

I have bruises now from DS last meltdown. I can't walk away as he will come after me, if I lock myself in the bathroom he will throw himself against the bathroom door and I'm worried he's going to break it down and hurt himself in the process and possibly me. We try and avoid his triggers but sometimes it's only obvious in hindsight what the issue was, or he comes home from school already starting one because of something that's happened in the day. I try and defend myself without restraining DS but sometimes I do have to grab his legs or his arms or hold him to stop him banging his head against the wall.

We're only just starting with the referral process so we have along way to go.

Please have a look at the free courses for parents offered by studio 3 regarding their low arousal approach.