Restraining autistic violent child, is it ever OK?

"Physically restraining them is just another form of smacking - it's abuse."

Smacking a child is a deliberate action with the intention of causing pain and shock. To equate restraint with that is false logic, and accusatorial. It is an attempt to make the parent or carer feel guilty and culpable.Very unhelpful. Smacking,because of the intent, can be a criminal act.

I was involved in a situation yesterday where a small woman in her 60's was reaching the point of exhaustion trying to stop an autistic girl from reaching a very busy road. The A2 in Blackheath, near the teahut. Restraint was the only option. Having physically distanced the girl from the road, and tiring myself, she thankfully calmed down and sat down.
I was asking the woman in charge about the girl, when said woman suddenly told me that the girl had picked up a piece of glass, put it in her mouth and was known to have tried to swallow such items. Overwhelming and immediate physical restraint and intervention was the only option, and I did that. There was no glass in her mouth. We found the piece of glass under where I had placed her supine.

The situation was further complicated by the fact that the girl only heard Italian and Portuguese at home.

If you think anything I did was wrong per se, then point it out. Without resorting to false analogy.

I had to look up YABU. Throwing in that accusation as your starting point tells me where you are coming from.
Hard pressed parents and carers can do not need your ideal world, from a book expertise. And neither do I.

On a personal note, I am in my mid-60's. I suffer from hypothyroidism, which in my case sometimes manifests in sudden and unannounced physical depletion. Fortunately I am a well drilled first aider and speak Italian.

I use to work with a very challenging Autistic adults and taught to restrain in a way that won't hurt them.

I think YANBU.

I have a DD who has meltdowns, she's not autistic but has other difficulties, she holds it together all day at school then gets home and just blows.

She can be violent but not hitting or punching so for her the best way to deal with it is to let it pass - she's verbal though so we can talk through what happened and why etc. But I have restrained her in the past, best way to do it with her is hands by her side and hug her till she stops shouting.

Whenever I hear of other parents restraining their child I always assess whether the child can breathe, in an emergency the child could be given treatment safely/helped to escape, and how quickly the child can go back to normal after it.

You're using a really small amount of restraint, not cutting off his breathing, he could recieve medical attention or get away if needed and can go back to normal just by lifting your hand/arm away so it's perfect. It sounds much more like the pat method some parents use to help babies sleep rather than full blown restraint.

I don't have much to add to the very good advice in here but just wanted to say we found a trampoline very useful too. So much so that we have had to recently source several until we found one strong enough to last more than 6 months because despite now being 17 years old, 6ft 2 and weighing almost 100kg, DS still uses the trampoline to regulate himself . It is getting less often nowadays but he was regularly trampolining for 5-10 mins at a time multiple times a day until late last year .

I can't reply from a parenting perspective however have worked with children with this level of violence. Restraint can and does work but I've found it's a slippery slope. You've got nowhere else to go after that and you find yourself restrain more and more often.

Try and step back from the situation when they're calm. Analyse triggers for the outbursts. It doesn't seem like there are any sometimes but it could be something you or I would never consider a trigger.

Track the outbursts every time. What time of day, where does it happen. What became before this. Is it technology, environmental, noise stimulus? Then look to plan to adapt anything you notice. It's hard hard work but you will notice improvements with the more analysis and reflection you do.

Try and restrain only when they're putting themselves or you In severe danger. If not look to move away. Can they run in the garden. Have you got soft play pieces that can be used to distract and divert the aggression?

Good luck. It's an unenviable position to be in as a parent

Restraining for the purposes of preventing harm to an individual or those around them is totally acceptable... I can only empathise in as much as I used to work with children with severe special needs; however, having your own child behave in this way must be extremely difficult. I hope you find some relief soon.

I noticed things got very difficult when my child was thirsty, hungry, tired, unable to communicate any of the above. With this knowledge and melatonin, things became easier.

Ps you definitely need to self refer to OT. Find out if the school/nursery can refer to an OT for you too. Start self referring for statements/EHCPs etc as every step like this can result in more help.

A social worker (with no experience of families with disabilities) visiting to assess parenting, checking my fridge, checking the children's bedrooms, interviewing the kids alone, talking to their school.

And I'm not alone. It happens to a lot of families. It's the last thing you need when you are under severe pressure looking after a disabled child.

My social worker concluded my children were well looked after. But only after weeks of interviewing me, observing in our house etc.

I don't know what else you can honestly do. Unless there was an empty room where you could put your child safely. But you can't allow yourself or anyone else to be physically harmed, and your child will only grow larger.

@Nicholethejewellery has demonstrated elsewhere that she really has no clue about the law on discrimination. The use of restraint is perfectly lawful if it is a proportionate means to attain a legitimate aim. Manifestly restraining a child to the minimum extent necessary to keep others physically safe meets those criteria and therefore is perfectly lawful.

I hope the OP has found some solace from her post - it is a very difficult thing to raise an autistic child - it does affect all aspects of family life and always will.

Somewhat perversely, having negotiated ourselves through the worst, now hardly anyone 'thinks' ds is autistic and just thinks I don't have a 'better' job/career than I do because I'm just a bit of a slacker, useless, etc. I'm old enough and thick-skinned enough to inwardly laugh at this ignorance....

This thread proves that old chestnut, with all the tips, suggestions and 'knowledge' proferred:

If you've met One Autistic Child then you have met One autistic child,
NONE are the same.

Great thread OP and lots of good Posts.

This thread has been very helpful an well positioned

If there’s sudden head-butting, he could be in pain, OP.

Short term: YANBU. You do what you need to do to keep yourself and your son safe.

Long term: YABU. With help from professionals you will need to find other coping strategies so your son no longer gets to the point of needing to be restrained.

I used to when my son was smaller, bit found it really didn't help, scared him and made me feel awful. He's bigger now and I don't think I really could by myself. What we did was make his bedroom as padded and safe as possible, put a big stairgate on, and when he is beyond the point of no return he goes in there. I only intervene if he's really badly banging his head. He bites himself and hits himself and I just have to let him until he calms down as I found prolonged intervention kept it going for longer. You can get Kevlar sleeves which are bite proof, you feel the pinch but it won't cut. I requested social services help over a year ago and nothing. Good luck, and keep going for the better days

I have had to do this many time when D's was younger. Please do not feel you are abusive. This is for your safety and his safety. Sending you so much love. 💗

TBH if SS want you to do things differently then they bloody well need to give you some god damn support and help. Your average parent has no idea how to handle a violent child with ASD and just try to do the best they can.

It sounds like it would be useful if you could communicate to your ds 'not now but very soon' ie I can't get your drink now because I have to do x,y or z but I will very soon. I wonder if you could use a timer or an egg timer or something like that and whether he could grasp the concept? and then whether he could generalise it beyond one particular situation. You'd have to use it in other (non meltdown) situations first obviously. You really need someone with a lot of experience to go through all these things with you and give you support. I hope you get some soon.

I really haven't got the emotional capacity to read the whole thread but we retrain our asd child (not yet diagnosed). He will harm himself, us and our belongings. We hold him and "cuddle" him until he calms. I don't analyse it, it's just necessary and I view it as helping him through his meltdown. I've even done.it on the school playground before

A trampoline really helped my son too. Or just "let's do some jumps" when I see him about to meltdown can sometimes pull him back.

We're considering a trampoline. Also weights as he really likes lifting heavy things.

i'm another parent who used to have to restrain my autistic child, and now doesn't, because with time/work we've got the house to a point that its a sensory haven for him, he has 'safe spaces' he's learned that he can take himself to, we've worked on recognising his triggers, from the small ones that build up over time, to the big ones that cause instant meltdown.

We've learned sensory input techniques, distraction and re-direction.. and a lot of love.

I've only had to restrain him once in the last year, but there were times when it was MUCH more frequent, and after each one i would hug him/rock him and murmur how much i loved him and how i was sorry for having to hold him, and how everything was ok, and turn it into a moment of connection building with him.

Please don't beat yourself up emotionally/mentally, you son is so young, and the two of you have a long road ahead of learning about his autism and what helps/hinders. Restraint is a tool to use to help keep you both safe until you can get to a point where its a last resort/emergency thing.

Hi. I have read all of your posts but not the whole thread so apologies if someone has already mentioned this.
What you think is triggering his meltdowns e.g. Dad coming home from the shop may not be that.
Google the Coke Can analogy. It perfectly fits my autistic son and has really helped me manage his environment to prevent a lot of meltdowns. For example, I used to think washing his hair sent him into a meltdown, and it does to some extent because he has such a heightened sensory system, but I've realised now that if THE WHOLE DAY prior to washing his hair in the evening I keep the house calm (no visitors, lots of deep pressure sensory input) he can have his hair washed without such distress.
Also, finishing things is of huge importance to my son and I've heard a lot of autistic adults say this too. So now I don't ever interrupt him halfway through a task. He used to have meltdowns every single night getting him into bed (and every transition from one task/activity to the next)until I realised this. Now sometimes we are late in bed because he's finishing playing with his cars but he says "I go bed now" and we go without a fight.
So it might not be dad coming home from the shop but the fact that he was building a tower earlier that he didn't get to finish, that his clothes feel scratchy, that the radio and TV are both on and the noise is hurting his ears, that something smells weird and he can't identify it, that you walked a different route home today, that his usual cup is in the dishwasher so he had to drink out of it and NOW on top of all that his dad's just walked in at a time he doesn't usually and the coke can exploded.
So, in summary, consider what happened for the whole day and even the previous day. Think about what he heard, touched, smelled, felt, how busy his life was, how predictable his routine was, did he get interrupted in things he wanted to finish, and you may be able to help him reduce his violence.
A trampoline really helped my son too. Or just "let's do some jumps" when I see him about to meltdown can sometimes pull him back.
Try and get an OT with good sensory knowledge. Lifesavers for us.
It's really tough and I feel for you. You sound like you really love him and I hope you get the support you and he need.

None if this is relevant to restraint now of course as you have to keep him safe and these things take time. Im just trying to give a bit of hope in dark days.