To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

OP I had no interest in going to prom either, instead I arranged for myself and a few friends (some of whom did go to the prom) to go to alton towers instead to celebrate finishing school.
My parents helped by hiring a car and using their own, both drove me and my friends the 2 hours to alton and back, and once we got there they went off around the theme park by themselves. It was a great day, and I appreciate it even to this day 15 years later that they accepted what I wanted and supported me. Maybe ask her if she'd like to do something else instead?

I would be delighted. It is an awful tradition and I would do anything to support such a decision. The support for isolation should be in other ways.

I also think you should talk to the school if they have been 'banging on' for months about it. Such an event I consider to be heteronormative and not necessarily considerate to people who are neurodiverse.

I didn’t go to mine and I don’t regret not going (in my 30s now so it was a while ago!)

I didn’t go to the year 13 one either, just wasn’t my thing at the time

I think I get it OP, as long as it's because you want her to fit in with her peers, rather than if it's because you want to enjoy the trappings of it. I'd worry a bit that it's because she feels she doesn't fit in. I know there are girls that plough their own furrow because they're super confident, and know their own mind, and that's great. But there are also those that are just left out, and it's hard not to worry when that's your child!

However, it may well be that she just hasn't met her tribe yet. School is a very limited pool of people, OP, and she may well meet her group in different settings.

Maybe it would be helpful to your daughter to back her up and say how proud you are of her that she can make her own choices.

I didn't go to mine either, they're a weird American import that reinforce harmful gender stereotypes. I'm 33 now and I still have the confidence not to do things I don't want to, even when other people are doing them.
OP for what it's worth I think you're really focusing on the wrong thing here. Forget the prom and support your daughter with her social anxiety and isolation instead.

Our DD is going to hers, but only after a lot of peer persuasion. She's bought a 'seconds' dress and got white platform DMs. She'll be the coolest one there, and because she had the DMs already it's cheap. I'm glad she's going because I didn't want her to miss out, but ultimately it's up to her.

her friendship group has shrunk, she rarely goes out anymore claiming to have social anxiety (which I do think she has). Her best friend since year 7 dropped her recently, although she says she doesn't care as they'd grown apart.

Well rounded?

If she doesn’t want to go I’d just leave it.

I didn’t go to mine because it’s not my cup of tea and many years later I’m still pleased with my decision.

In my opinion, they put massive pressure on kids to conform and on parents to pay out shedloads for one evening.

Sounds like she's a sensible well rounded girl. Don't be sad ir her. Be proud.

I don't think it's that much of a shame about prom by itself, but in context as she's been struggling socially since lockdown then yes it is.

Proms are fine if kids enjoy them and like getting dressed up.

However I went to mine and regretted going, didn’t enjoy it and felt it off place all night. (I was a nervous, shy teen who liked a hoody and pair of leggings ). I forced myself to go because I thought I’d miss out if I didn’t go.

Good for her for knowing her own mind.

I didn't go to our 'debs' which is what we called it. My husband didn't go to his either. No regrets although I think it indicates someone who didn't enjoy school that much.

@Noprommum this is a symptom of something much deeper going on. She’s isolating herself and possibly sinking into a depression. Can you possibly get her some therapy help and professionals to talk to? Do you have details about what happened with her best friend? I’d reach out to her other friends and possibly their parents as well for advice.

Regarding clothes, I’d also take the angle that she doesn’t need to wear a dress. She can wear a suit or other outfit that makes her feel comfortable. If she’s a practical person then I’d propose that she can buy these “special occasion” clothes that can be reworn in daily life.

Nonetheless, the biggest issue to get to the bottom of what is emotionally happening with her. It sounds like she’s spiraling.

^They are a dreadful, dreadful thing. Year 11 girls taught to dress up, look pretty, be homogenous, conform to a load of old bollocks. Be asked by a boy FFS. Yuk.

Your daughter is plowing her own furrow, she's her own person. You are incredibly lucky and so is she.^

I couldn’t agree more.

Leave her be! It would have been my idea of hell too. Good on her for having her own mind. Take her out for dinner and celebrate with her, maybe take her somewhere of her choosing for a photo shoot (even if you take the photos yourself of her in an environment she loves). Let her be herself and celebrate who she is

One of mine decided to go last minute, the other didn’t want to go. And that’s ok.

There was no prom when I left primary school, instead we went to an adventure place where we ice skated, played pool, soft play, table hockey, arcade machines and bowling. MUCH more fun.
I would have hated a prom.

I’d be so proud of her for knowing her own mind and having a strong personality. I really didn’t at her age - in fact I didn’t know my own mind until I was about 30 to be honest.

But having social anxiety is more concerning and I would want to try and help her with that.

Proms didn't exist when I was at school. Dd had no interest in going to hers although it was cancelled due to covid anyway

I vaguely remember my school having a sixth form “leaving do” in the mid-90s. I don’t know who went to it though, certainly none of the crowd I socialised with, who’d all been filling the local pubs every Friday night for the past two years. Nobody would have been seen dead at a school-organised event, the idea was laughable. I find it really odd and a bit sad that school leavers have swallowed the American-style conformity of the prom. If my daughter wasn’t interested, I’d be proud that she had a mind of her own, and irritated that something supposed to be a rite of passage was unable to accommodate her.

Didn't go to mine. Never regretted it snd never felt like I missed out! They're the weirdest most boring event. All my friends built it up in their heads to be this amazing thing and most were disappointed. There's plenty of time for proper parties, events, going out etc that doesn't include a shit meal, over looked by teachers.

YANBU.

If it was just the prom, that would be one thing.

It sounds like much, much more than that to me.

YABU, proms weren’t even around in the UK in the 90s when I was at school. It’s hardly a rite of passage.

You could get her a fab hoodie with the money you save on the prom dress!