To feel sad DD doesn't want to go to her prom

I think one of the things that irritates me most about year 11 "leavers" stuff is that, on the whole, they're not leaving these days. Not at our school anyway. Typically over 90% of the kids return for 6th form. Every single one of my DC's friendship group will be back in the same place with the same friends and the same teachers in September. It's not the "end of an era" like it was in the days when most kids left school at 16 and relatively few went back for 6th form, it's a minor hiatus.
I'd have a bit more sympathy for it all if it was after A levels when they really are all going their separate ways but everything seems to be a lot more low key then. All seems completely illogical to me. I suppose it makes a bit more sense in schools that don't have a 6th form or where lots are leaving for college or apprenticeships etc and then others give in to peer pressure. Our school didn't have one until a few years ago actually, just a fairly restrained end of 6th form event. But unfortunately the new Head gave in to campaigning by some of the pupils and now year 11 has a full on limo and big dress Prom.

My daughter didn't go to her year 6 prom either. There were so many unbelievably violent, misogynistic and generally horrible boys in her class that she refused to spend another minute with them.Her words were "I just want to walk out of that class and forget that the whole thing ever happened". She genuinely didn't care and still doesn't regret it. We went for an evening out in the city centre instead, me, her, her mate and his mum and she had a lovely time.

I would worry about the anxiety and becoming withdrawn and tackle that. Let the prom go.

And actually, fwiw, my DD is pretty non conforming with her shaved head and a serious campaign to be allowed to wear boys uniform at school (successful). She marches to the beat of her own drum in so many ways. She wouldn't go to prom if it were all hetero-normative, taking a date and looking pretty. She's going to wear a frock coat and her favourite top hat, velvet trousers and DMs. She's going with her mates (all boys) and they're taking card games with them. They'll no doubt play Exploding Kittens and enjoy each other's company. It's important that we don't set up a dichotomy of thinking people who want to go to prom are somehow dull conformists. And actually, does it matter if a girl does want to wear a pretty dress and make-up. Half of style and beauty is about people wanting to look good and go out. Nowt wrong with that.

But I maintain that the op's dd's wellbeing is the thing to focus on. Not an optional event.

I can't think of anything I'd have liked less at her age. Leave it up to her!

It was called a ball in Y13 at my school held at a hotel - I didn't go and have never regretted that.

Didnt enjoy my sixth form experience - and was all about next step - was working and waiting to hear about university place. I went to several balls at university - so got the experince later on.

DD1 would have loved to go I think - covid stopped that - DS would be next year not sure if they will hold one but he's already said he's not going. They've both heading else where for A-levels .

Does she have to decide now - or does she have more time - if so I'd suggest she waits as long as possible but if she adamant she's not intertesed I don't think she missing a huge amount.

But she doesn't want to. And that is fine. She doesn't owe it to her mum to go.

@theleafandnotthetree I wasn't sneering, I was pleased that she knows her own mind and doesn't feel the need to do what everyone else is doing.

I didn't go to my prom. It was around 15 years ago now. I was told by everyone I should go, I'd regret it and look back and wished that I had gone.

I can absolutely tell you that I'm pleased I didn't go, don't regret it at all and would do the same again.

Y11 proms are a nightmare for the school too. Lots of kids just wanting to have a nice time, some hating the idea but not brave enough to dip out due to peer pressure, some going OTT and spending £££ on dresses, spray tans nails etc. creates a divisive end of year IMO.
Also on the night itself it's hard to get staff to attend voluntarily on their own time and supervise. Every year students seem to think we will fall for the vodka in a water bottle ruse and it ends in tears.

Wish we could go back to having a lunchtime bbq with shirt signing.

Came on to say something along these lines but Theleaf beat me to it.

It's not bad wanting to go to a prom and getting a nice dress and having a laugh with your friends. It doesn't make you superior or "edgy" just because you chose to stay at home in your hoody and trackies.

FWIW, I used to avoid social events as a school aged teenager because I was a shy and overweight. I wish I had been more confident and more sociable.

I had the choice to to go what would've been my first gig or my prom. Chose the prom and regretted it forever. It was just a naff school disco with the richer kids in £2000 dresses, an ultra naff photographer and some boys passing around a completely legal cigar and acting like it was crack.

Really wish I'd gone to the gig instead!

YABU. She’s not you.

I'd be so proud of her not feeling she has to conform and being strong enough to say no I don't want to go. Look at all the threads on here about Christmas parties and other events that adults with social anxiety dread and have an awful time at because they don't feel able to refuse.

I don't think there's any need to trash the whole concept necessarily or to be condescending and snobby about it as some here have been. I went to mine, wearing what could have been considered quite an alternative outfit at the time, had a great time with my friends and have happy memories of it. The OP's daughter is right not to go if she doesn't want to but not every girl that does is a superficial airhead and lots of people do in fact have a fantastic time. OP, I get you - you don't want your daughter to have regrets or push herself further into the outsider category, this is an understandable and perfectly human reaction in the real world.

My YD didn't go to hers, my DS did go to his but probably wouldn't have done if he didn't have a GF who really wanted to go and ED wore a mens suit to hers.
I think it would be a great idea her hanging out with the other friend who can't go. I hope they have a great night

Going against the grain I didn't go to mine and did regret it.

Have you suggested she could go but doesn't need to wear a girly dress?

They didn't even like it in Grease.

I enjoyed my university leaving ball but I hated my dress and can't really remember much about it. It was another drunk night out with more expensive dresses.

ps. she did indulge me in a girly dress trying on sesh so I am ok with whatever she wants to do

My daughter has said that she doesn't want to go either. Her plan is to dress up anyway and go to krispy kreme instead.

I will not be funding this expedition.

My dd is yr10 but has insisted all along she won't go to prom next year, she isn't into dresses, hasn't enjoyed school and doesn't like most of the other kids. It's entirely up to her and I won't lose any sleep if she still feels the same when the time comes. She would much rather have a nice meal somewhere with the family.

My year 12 son would have gone to his but it was cancelled and never got rearranged.
My year 11 son is not going. He hates the whole idea of it. I'd have been the same if they'd had proms back in the mists of time when I left school.