Husband wants to cancel family holiday to celebrate late father's birthday AIBU

Haven't read it all but it seems to me that your dh wants to be with his family on his dad's big day. He's got his days mixed up. He probably hasn't seen much of them with the covid situation and he wants to be there to support his mum. It's not that hard to understand. I think you'd be better searching for some week long hols than spending time hashing it all over on here. I'd do a week abroad with the kids going on the Friday or Saturday and then book a week or a few days in an Airbnb close to his family home so he can spend quality time with his mum and siblings and your kids get to be with their family too. You can definitely make it work both ways.

@BeHappy91818 I have read them all. All her posts are about her and how she can’t do this, that and wants what she wants regardless.

Then you ever so clearly have NOT read them as it is her husband that is the one who has determined they are staying home and that's it and he doesn't give a flying fuck what the OP wants, or what his own children want, he only cares about himself. SHE is the one who is willing to compromise. So don't make up lies that clearly aren't true.

[quote PinaColada123456]@BeHappy91818 Read all the OPs posts. She is the one who has been making all the sacrifices for him. HE, is the one who doesn't respect how she feels.[/quote]
I have read them all. All her posts are about her and how she can’t do this, that and wants what she wants regardless.

@BeHappy91818 Read all the OPs posts. She is the one who has been making all the sacrifices for him. HE, is the one who doesn't respect how she feels.

Have you thought about going on a two week holiday and him flying home to the celebration?

DH and I have done that before, been on holiday and he flew back from where we were to leeds bradford to an important business meeting - he actually did it in a (very long) day but equally could have done it over two days - leaving me and the kids to enjoy the holiday!

Do think about what billy1966 said above - she speaks good sense as usual. His grief may be profound (and therefore need therapy) but it shouldn't give him an excuse to storm off and leave you as the default parent. Would you ever treat your children like that?

How is it fair on OP to say holiday with young children alone- leave him with the kids and you go on holiday OP

His desire to be at the grave on that day is not a ‘need’ it’s a want.

Go on holiday without him. He's done this deliberately to cause a fight, so call his bluff.

I'm a bit surprised at the posters saying a week abroad with young kids isn't worth it. That's what the vast majority of people I know do surely? Maybe if it was off season and you needed to fly further to get sun I'd understand but as it's summer you can be in lovely places in a few hours. And actually longer might seem too long if the kids turn out to be fussy about the food, not sleep well in the beds etc! Admittedly I've only been abroad once since having kids for a variety of reasons but that was 1 week in ibiza with a 4 year old and it was just right!

Wow that's quite the twisting of the facts there @BeHappy91818. She's behaving like a child when he stormed off from a family day out?

I thought you'd flounced off the thread too?

OP I'm no grief expert but i understand correctly that you are saying that 4 years down the line he can still NEVER remember his dad with a smile or a laugh then maybe he should be looking more a grief counselling. I know everyone's different, and we're a decade on now with my father in law, but I'm pretty sure dh and mil could laugh fondly about anecdotes etc within months, certainly a year or so (not all the time of course). After all although 60s is reactively young, we're also not talking about the loss of a child or young adult either. It seems like maybe he feels guilty about moving on, hence the unreasonable reaction when he realised he has forgotten a big birthday.

If he's not usually that controlling or angry then you need to be considering what's going on for him rather than jumping to the 'he's abusive LTB' view some mumsnetters seem to adopt whenever anyone doesn't have 100% control over their emotions every second. I'm not defending his behaviour or saying I think he's doing the right thing and you should just roll over and take it, but if you are usually happy with him, and he is now calming down, you do need to try and empathise too, and maybe try and get him to see he needs support.

In the meantime, you need to get searching for holidays that are sat - sat and cross the bridge of what happens if you can't get one when you come to it, rather than putting up imaginary barriers to compromise. After all, if you push him to go on the holiday as originally planned, I can't imagine the mood of the holiday will be great!

I am trying to be sympathetic and supportive, but our opinions on such things are so wildly different, which is why it's been really helpful everyone who has taken the time to comment, as I'm sure I can be tunnel visioned and that could come across as nasty.

i think it takes people different amounts of time to get to the "dad would have loved this" without wailing and being sad about it though. My dad has been dead for 15 years but i still, even now, have moments completely out of the blue where i desperately miss him and would love to have a chat or show him something. I think that's normal.

I don't necessarily think focussing on the 70th birthday is good, i don't think it's necessarily bad, and i can understand that it has suddenly appeared on the radar because in the early years when my dad had died, i found it incredibly difficult to think of him without bawling, so i tried not to. I think berevement councelling would be excellent for all the family, althouh it might be that after they have got past this 70th birthday their acceptance of the death might be better? Milestones have a way of doing that sometimes.

Having said all that. I wouldn't go abroad with 3 small kids for a week. It would have to be a minimum of 10 days or it's not worth it.

Both my df and my df died when they were just over 64. I think they'e

What stood out for me was you said he talks to his DM every few weeks. If he cares about supporting his DM around the death of his DF calling her up more often would be a more genuine example of care and support than sacrificing his families holiday than concentrating on a birthday where the protagonist can't be there.

I suspect he lashed out at you as he felt guilty he had forgotten his dads birthday. He felt so guilty he wanted someone to blame

His 'journey through grief' is rather long if he's giving up holidays to stand by a gravestone 4 years later

Basically, if he had come to you and explain what was going on, said he was really sorry bit could we organise things differently this year? etc... Im sure you would have been accomodating.
INstead, he expected you to buckle down and just accept he changed his mind wo a peep. He didn't cate about the effecton you or the dcs. The fact that YOU might need to break just as much as he does/did.

The issue here is the lack of care and respect for you and your feelings.
And he has sowned you that, whe at the end of it, your needs are way down his priority list. His needs will always go first despite the love, what a great partner/dad he is etc... Typical mysogynist behaviour.

OP,
I hope you find some middle ground to sort the holiday out.

Far more important is the huge strop and him storming off and leaving you with 3 children.

There is a type of man that does that.
That thinks the ultimate responsibility for his children is with his wife and he can just walk away.

I would be absolutely furious that this is obviously his thinking.
Good men just don't storm off on their wives and children.

Wasters do. MN is full of stories of men who do this.

THIS is the issue here.
I wouldn't be accepting he was upset etc.

He stormed off and left you with your no doubt upset children, at what they witnessed.
Disgraceful behaviour.
Deal breaker behaviour.

Don't allow his bullshit about his father's birthday and HIM forgetting be a reason that he thinks he can use you as his emotionally punching bag, and behave like a total petulant loser.

I would be absolutely furious at my children witnessing such behaviour from their father.

It would seriously impact my respect for him.

Completely unacceptable.

Before you make any changes he needs to phone his mum and siblings and make sure they are going to be there on the day and haven’t decided to go away on holiday and just haven’t mentioned it. Once confirmed they are indeed planning to visit the grave and have a lunch on the actual day then I would consider that your DH is geographically separated from his family and you’ve pointed out they don’t speak or communicate frequently which is in contrast to him seeing and speaking to your parents regularly. If he were to be on holiday whilst his mother and siblings we’re having a birthday lunch ‘for’ his father’s 70th birthday and he missed it, it’s another thing for him to feel guilt over. Grief is very complicated and I do think his reaction is because he messed up with the dates, as he would also really like a holiday in the sun, but not can’t enjoy whilst knowing he’d be missing being seen to be there with his family - and wanting to be there.
Without knowing the geography, could you drive the 200miles to an airport closest to his mother’s? Have a week away knowing when you arrive back on the Saturday night/Sunday morning you’re already there for lunch and then spend a few with his mum before starting the drive home stopping for a few days somewhere scenic on the way back?

Btw I'm very sympathetic to him in terms of how hard this might be for a big birthday in remembering his dad, but that doesn't give him the right to opt out of family life and act like this. I'd bet he acts out of order quite a lot. Maybe some time apart would do you good to think things through.

collyfleur why should the OP have been responsible for remembering the date if her DH didn't? This is 100% on him and I think his OTT reaction is because he knows that. Maybe the OP would be more inclined to redefine their plans if he had said "shit, I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot. I know I am massively letting you done but this is important to me" instead of storming off like a teenager. I know a holiday might seem frivolous compared to a memorial date but this is something in the planning and saving and anticipating for three years. The OP is allowed to want a decent break. Just because many only go for a week or in the UK doesn't mean she is wrong to want the thing they planned for TOGETHER. Its not just about the kids is it - or this another example where a woman is supposed to apologise for having preferences and needs of her own while everyone runs around after the poor man who utterly fucked this up?