Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable? Getting annoyed with boyfriend’s golf/football hobbies.

180 replies

DaisyKG · 04/03/2022 09:26

Hi guys,

Just wanted some opinions on this as sometimes I feel as though I’m being completely unreasonable and not quite sure what to do for the best.

I have been with my partner for 5.5 years. We have lived together for the past 2 years and our relationship for the most part is great. He is completely football mad, and I knew that when I started a relationship with him. He usually plays 2-3 times a week (trains one weekday evening for 1.5 hours and then has a game on a Saturday - usually gone from lunchtime until 6-7pm depending on where he is playing. He sometimes has another midweek game where he leaves at 6ish and gets home at 10-11pm - he always stays after his games to have a beer with the lads which is fine. We always agreed that Sundays would be “our” days to go out for a nice dog walk, head into town etc, but I have found that more frequently he would rather spend his Sunday watching football.

This has always been something that has bothered me and I’ve always felt as though I come second to football. I have opened up this conversation numerous times over the past 5 years to let him know how I feel and he always tells me that he won’t be able to play forever and it’s a hobby that he enjoys.

In the last year, he has developed a new love for golf. Now, when he first started playing, I have to admit that I hoped it would free up a bit of time and allow us to spend more time as a couple. In fact - things have gone in the opposite direction. On the evenings where he is not playing football, he either visits the driving range or has a golf lesson and will occasionally play golf on a Sunday now (usually gone from 9am till 4pm).

I really don’t want to stop his hobbies as he really enjoys them but it is putting a strain on our relationship from my point of view. This summer, he is going on a 4 day holiday with the football lads to Spain, on a stag do for 3 days with some friends and going on a golf holiday for 5 days. It’s meant that he has very little annual leave left for us to have a holiday together.

Last time we had a holiday together, we had to go on the Sunday and come home on the Friday as he wouldn’t take Saturdays off football. He has since apologised and wished he never did that but he is still so focused on football that we can’t plan weekends away at all because he refuses to take Saturdays off.

Am I being completely unreasonable? Should I let him enjoy his hobbies whilst he can still do them?

I should have added that we both work full time - he works pretty standard hours (7-4) and I work from home but my hours are more like shifts. Because I’m at home all day, I do all the housework, walk our 2 dogs everyday, food shop etc. Sometimes I work until 12am and I’ve asked him if he would mind getting up 10 minutes earlier to run the dogs out for a quick toilet break at 6am to allow me a small lie in and he refuses and says he won’t have time.

My worries are that in the next few years we will hopefully have children and I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with someone who is always out or reluctant to share the responsibilities with me.

I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts and advice as I really do love him and see a future with him but not sure whether he just doesn’t realise what he’s doingConfused

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 04/03/2022 12:22

In the nicest possible way he's treating you like his Mum. Someone who is always hone, to cook, clean and look after the dog. You facilitate these hobbies and don't get anything in return. I guess for him being in a relationship is just another box ticked.

VenusClapTrap · 04/03/2022 12:22

Cross posted. He won’t even skip the hobbies on your birthday? Fuck that. Spend the evening packing.

VenusClapTrap · 04/03/2022 12:18

Don’t make ultimatums. He’ll promise to change, but he won’t. And he’ll get resentful that you’re ‘not allowing him’ to do his hobbies any more. I would tell him you realise that you are not a priority in his life, you don’t want to always come a poor second to his sports, so you are going to leave and find someone who actually enjoys your company. Mean it.

His reaction will tell you how he really feels. If indeed he does love you and sets out to show you this by properly prioritising you, great. He needs to do it willingly, not because you’ve told him to.

But the more likely scenario is that he’ll talk the talk and make promises that will soon be broken. So follow through and leave.

Original poster
DaisyKG · 04/03/2022 12:18

Thank you so much for your comment, it’s nice to hear it from the other perspective!!

There is little compromise with him. He just tells me that football is serious and he has to take it seriously otherwise he won’t get picked to play. I could understand that if he was playing professionally but he plays for the local team..

It’s my birthday next week and I hoped that he would take the evening off football so that we could do something together. He hasn’tConfused and will be gone from 6ish till 10.30/11pm, leaving me at home alone.

Yes, not quite sure what he is doing to be gone at golf for that length of time. The golf course is about 30 minutes away so I assume that they have a beer afterwards.

OP posts:
billyt · 04/03/2022 11:59

hi OP,

Another warning, this time from the other side Grin

I played football when I first got married. Training one evening and either Saturday or Sunday for the actual game. I would not have taken on any more. Cut down and played a lot less when our daughters came along.

I'm a lot older now but I now play walking football one evening a week and Tournaments about once a month, so don't just assume he will stop playing when he's older (WF may be a bit slower but it's still fun).

I also now play golf, but I take the dog out for 30-40 mins. before I leave. And as I make sure I play mornings (getting earlier now the light is getting better) I have the afternoons/evenings free for us to do 'us stuff'
My OH tends to not be bothered by my early rises Grin

Also, I give both football and golf a miss if we have ther plans.

I think your OH is very selfish and he won't get better with age, I don't hink. Having children will just be more hard work for you with little input from him. Is that really what you want to look forward to?

Finally, you say golf takes him out from 9 - 4. A slow 18 holes takes about 4 hours. What else is he doing, unless it's a (very) long way away?

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 04/03/2022 11:58

I don't understand how you can say your relationship is great Confused he treats you like a maid. You need to get higher standards. Do you rent or have you bought? I bet he's tight with money as well.

LampLighter414 · 04/03/2022 11:56

I would not have children with him lol

He won't change, so expect to be doing all the housework and childcare and possibly getting pressure from him to get back to work too (and do all the childcare pickups/drop offs)

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 04/03/2022 11:56

OP is the conversation to break up or are you going to try and persuade him to change? Why would he change? He has everything he wants. I think you'll end up staying and growing more resentful. If you do stay with him please don't have kids with this selfish man-child.

RampantIvy · 04/03/2022 11:43

I agree, do not have children with him. And stop doing his laundry. You are just a housekeeper he sleeps with.

This is not an equal relationship.

lockdownalli · 04/03/2022 11:38

Christ! Don't have kids with him!

This doesn't sound much like a relationship to me OP sorry Flowers

CambsAlways · 04/03/2022 11:37

I think you should read the post back out loud as if it was someone’s else’s and what would your answer be! I know what mine is he’s a cf! What are you getting from this relationship op not a lot!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 04/03/2022 11:32

P.s. if he is like this now with commitments (I.e. the dogs) he won’t be any different when a baby arrives!

PatientlyWaiting21 · 04/03/2022 11:31

Well he’s certainly found himself a lovely housekeeper.

Start making your own plans, if you drift apart then so be it, he’s not for you. If someone actually wants to spend time with you then they will.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/03/2022 11:21

This man will be a horrible father. Don’t inflict that on innocent children.

It’s bad enough that you are letting him treat you like this. You’ve been together 5.5 years. Just end it. He won’t get any better. He knows damn well he is not being fair to you. He doesn’t care.

Yamalt · 04/03/2022 11:13

*your🙄

Yamalt · 04/03/2022 11:13

This is a mugs game OP and I’m afraid you’re the chief mug.

Is this what you’re childhood was like? Watching a grossly unfair relationship play out? Or were you the passive one in a sink sting friendship? Because that’s the life you’re now living.

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 04/03/2022 11:12

Having a work life balance is important, but there's an imbalance here.

If you go on to have kids with him be prepared to bring them up on your own as his leisure time is more important to him than time spent with you - and kids will be a big handbrake.

In other words, don't do it.

Don't try and change him, guaranteed to make you both unhappy. Manage him out of your life now and meet someone who wants a more involved relationship with you before it's too late for kids.

FlowerArranger · 04/03/2022 11:12

I clicked 'unreasinable' because

My worries are that in the next few years we will hopefully have children and I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with someone who is always out or reluctant to share the responsibilities with me. I would appreciate any opinions or thoughts and advice as I really do love him and see a future with him but not sure whether he just doesn’t realise what he’s doing

Seriously?

Clymene · 04/03/2022 11:11

You're in a relationship with a selfish teenager. He isn't going to step up after a chat and he certainly isn't going to after kids.

Why do you love him? He doesn't seem to love you.

Brefugee · 04/03/2022 11:08

he is already telling you all the childcare will be on you. He won't even take the dogs out to help? you are working but doing all the housework?

Why do you love him? in what ways does he enhance your life? Is this how you would describe a partnership?
Be realistic. Then leave.

whatstheteamarie · 04/03/2022 11:06

I'm struggling to work out in what way this man could be described as your "partner"?

At most he's a lodger who you have sex with.

Now if you want a lodger you have sex with that's great, but if you want a partner this is not the man for you.

If he wanted to be your partner he would be. It really is that simple.

BluerThanRobinsEggs · 04/03/2022 10:55

I really don’t want this for the rest of my life and I know I deserve better than this.

You're just not a priority to him, are you. You're very useful because you cook and clean and shop and walk the dogs and pay half the bills, and he may love you but he doesn't actually want to spend any time with you. Or put any effort in.

I predict he'll promise you the earth when you have this chat but it won't last.

HappydaysArehere · 04/03/2022 10:54

Sounds as if you can do a lot better. I would start a social life that doesn’t include him and do far less at home. Start looking around for a friend and companion you can have a life with.

SatinHeart · 04/03/2022 10:53

My worries are that in the next few years we will hopefully have children and I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship with someone who is always out or reluctant to share the responsibilities with me

He isn't going to change, OP. You will be looking after the kids/dogs/housework by yourself during all of his hobby time and I doubt he will decide of his own accord to cut back on any of it. MN is full of threads started by people this has happened to Sad

OhCobblers · 04/03/2022 10:45

He doesnt love you OP (sorry I know that's harsh) he loves what you do for him.

Absurd that you do everything at home just because you work from home!

The fact that he won't get up a little earlier to deal with the dogs when you've worked late says it all really.

I bet you'll have the chat, he'll swear that of course he loves you, he will promise that life will change. It will for 5 mins then he will revert to what he is. A selfish arse who doesn't care about your feelings.

Walk away OP ....... walk away