Am I being unreasonable? Getting annoyed with boyfriend’s golf/football hobbies.

You’re only 25!

You CAN do way better than this.

Stop prioritising cleaning and housework over the gym and going out, FFS! Ask him to do half: if he doesn’t let anything not essential for you personally (eg your own laundry and food) fester.

You don’t ‘own’ the house: you have a big joint debt. It was a big mistake entering into this kind of commitment with a man who’d made clear what his attitudes and priorities are. Ditto getting dogs you do the work for.

Move out and sell up. Hopefully you can get as much as you spent on the deposit, but if not still worth it.

5.5 years- still a boyfriend, no ring and no time for you whatsoever

I’d move on

But especially this:

Why are younger generations of women tolerating such treatment? Genuinely would like to know

and this:

being single is a valid and healthy choice!
You don't HAVE to be in a relationship to have worth!

I hope the OP - and others in similar situationships - are taking note.

Do not have children with this selfish man.
In fact, you should LTB.

As with ANY hobby "widows" the issue isn't what the hobby is it's your partner/spouses approach to/handling of their interest in it.

With my ex it was rugby he is now late 50's and still plays.

They prioritise the hobby BECAUSE THEY WANT TO

It's no deeper than that - you are a lesser priority to them

My worries are that in the next few years we will hopefully have children

Really bad idea with this guy!

My ex loved his rugby but played once a week and when we had dd wound that down as I reached later stages of pregnancy and didn't play again until she was 10-12 months old BUT I'm a pretty assertive, no nonsense type and he knew I wouldn't have stood for any nonsense!

I have seen and read off worse examples and your partner seems to lean that way.

Certainly don't ttc/ keep contraception super tied up until this issue is genuinely resolved

How old are you both?

Because I’m at home all day but still working!

I do all the housework, walk our 2 dogs everyday, food shop etc. Sometimes I work until 12am and I’ve asked him if he would mind getting up 10 minutes earlier to run the dogs out for a quick toilet break at 6am to allow me a small lie in and he refuses and says he won’t have time.

see you have bigger problems than just his hobby fanaticism

He's not being a "partner" a partner pulls their weight equally

So far you have described a man who has found himself a sleep in housekeeper who doesn't mind when he trots off out with the boys

Yep!

past behavior being the biggest predictor of future behavior

Yep

I'd had periods of serious illness/emergency admissions prior to ttc and he had immediately dropped everything to be there for me inc rugby and even cancelled trips to major matches to support me while I was recovering etc so I knew when push came to shove he would be there for me with a baby, which he was (initially - separate issues later)

Men that behave as yours is rarely if ever change/improve

His hobbies are also not cheap! How are finances organised between you?

I'm afraid it's very indicative of he doesn't enjoy being at home.

Unfortunately there is a HUGE trend among under 40's men I've noticed (a few other older mners have started to notice this too) to have uncommitted "starter relationships"

They meet someone they're attracted to, but don't love her. They move in together but don't marry, don't entwine finances except to benefit from reduced costs overall by sharing accommodation or worse "cocklodge", do sod all housework or mental load, and delay ttc (barring contraceptive failure or the rare case of "entrapment") stringing this woman along in some cases until her fertility is basically out the window!

The woman's biological clock starts ticking LOUDLY and/or she starts to question the situation generally and pushes for more commitment

He does the stupid sulky "I'm fine" crap plus a bit of "you knew what I was like I haven't changed" crap ideally making you break up with them so they can cast you as the "bad guy" and them as the "Victim"

THEN within 18 months they meet marry and impregnate their "true love"

It's happening soooooooo much just now and I really really wish women dealing with these men would wise up and tell them to sod off!

Why are younger generations of women tolerating such treatment? Genuinely would like to know

you have zero chance of him getting up for babies.

Yep

I also wish the parents - especially the mothers of these women had told them what I told dd - being single is a valid and healthy choice!

You don't HAVE to be in a relationship to have worth!

It's not love op. Who taught you that love is you making all the sacrifices and getting none of the benefits?

He won't even reschedule for your birthday?!

Oh op you can do SO much better and again being single would be better!

DO NOT sit at home pining for his sorry arse!

Make arrangements to do something with family, friends or do something alone that you enjoy go for a meal at your favourite restaurant, to the cinema, theatre, comedy show ANYTHING but waiting for him!

I genuinely and kindly believe you need good therapy to unpick and correct why you think this is love, why you think this is all you deserve, why you've put up with this for 5.5 years?

he always makes out that I’m nagging misogynistic myth "nagging"

25? You've been together 5.5 years - was he your first serious relationship op? I also wonder what your childhood and parents relationship were like (you don't have to tell us)

You've outgrown him and he hasn't matured beyond about 15 years old!

Photography needn't be a lonely hobby, join some photography and arts clubs/groups! Great to soar off each other for ideas and learning new techniques. Photography is an interest of mine too (at a very amateur level! I can't afford the kit! But I like learning new techniques for using light to create certain effects, close up shots, love taking candid shots at weddings etc and some of them have turned out so well that the bride/groom has asked to have them and they've blown them up/framed them which I consider a huge compliment

Gym wise - join a class, stop viewing it as a "luxury" it keeps you healthy!

PLEASE

get out of this relationship

get some good quality therapy

find hobbies and interests for yourself and make them a high priority

I have opened up this conversation numerous times over the past 5 years to let him know how I feel and he always tells me that he won’t be able to play forever and it’s a hobby that he enjoys.

OP don't try to believe that this will all be over when he's a bit older and creakier. It won't:

In the last year, he has developed a new love for golf. Now, when he first started playing, I have to admit that I hoped it would free up a bit of time and allow us to spend more time as a couple. In fact - things have gone in the opposite direction.

He's already lining up the golf to take the place of football. And the time he spends on the driving range or having lessons tells you that he intends to be every bit as obsessed with it.

I really do love him and see a future with him

This is your Achilles heel that's blinding you to just how selfish he's being. Even to the point of questioning whether it's you who's being unreasonable. There is an enormous chasm between the future you see with him, and the future it will be with him. He sees the future as him doing exactly what he wants while you wait for him at home with the house clean, the washing done, food on the table and sex when he wants it. And if you add children into the mix they will be 100% your responsibility. He'll never put you or them above his own wants, even when you're on your knees with tiredness and stress, even when you're ill.

but not sure whether he just doesn’t realise what he’s doing

Oh he realises alright. He just doesn't care one iota about having any sort of loving relationship. He wants his football (which he'll watch even more when he can no longer play) and his golf and any other hobby he takes up, while you provide maid service.

If you stay with him you'll have many more years of the same and your self esteem will be in the gutter, Walk away with your head held high. This is him, not you. Let him see just how many meals football cooks for him, how many clean shirts and shags golf provides.

Please don't put up with/be satisfied with the occasional crumb he throws you.

I stupidly married someone like this. I was a complete idiot and thought that when we had a child, he would not go out to football as much and make time for his son. What a prat I was!

His habit was soon curbed when I chucked him out and he had to stop going to football as much, as he had a child to look after every other weekend. I might have ended up as a single parent, but at least I now have every other weekend to go out, if I feel like it.

Unfortunately my DS is just as bloody mad about football as his Dad, so god help any future girlfriend.

It’s my birthday next week and I hoped that he would take the evening off football so that we could do something together. He hasn’tand will be gone from 6ish till 10.30/11pm, leaving me at home alone

This was so sad to read. Please, ask him directly to take the evening off and go out with you. It's unlikely he will but put him to the test. Then organise something else with friends or whoever is available. And then tell him straight that this isn't enough for you anymore and you want to end things. You're young, get out before you spend anymore of your twentysomething birthdays like this! Next year you'll be wondering why you left it so long.

OP please read this post

Coming at this from a slightly different perspective here. You're both quite young. I think it's totally reasonable that you BOTH dedicate a good chunk of your week to hobbies.

You should make time to see your friends, take up a hobby, join a group, meet people. At your age (not being patronising here as I'm not massively older) that's so important. You need a life outside him.

My husband is also a football/golf fanatic. However he stopped playing for a team when we had kids, and I knew he would do that because we discussed it. He regularly organises weekend games with friends and goes out to watch football, and has regular games of golf in summer. But, and it's a big but, he makes sure I have time to pursue hobbies and see friends too. He does housework, cooks dinner, takes the kids where they need to be before and after work to give me the time I need. Oh and we do fun things together.

It's absolutely possible to work, run a house, have kids, and have time for friends/fun but it takes teamwork. At the moment your boyfriend isn't showing signs of being a team player, or wanting to spend quality time with you. That's a huge red flag...

I'd want a promise of him taking initiative to plan fun days out, nice dinners etc. and shouldering his share of the housework/dogs. If he doesn't step up... you can have my first LTB.

You knew what he was like from the start and now you expect him to change?

He has a passion for something and it is more important to him than you are.

So yes you are being unreasonable in the sense that you are simply not compatible and you knew from the start what you were getting into.

He would be better off with someone who shares the same passion.

You would be better off with someone who can give you more time and attention.

I am not sure why you stayed 5.5 years with him under the circumstances...

You can't get in a relationship with someone and just hope they will eventually change to meet your needs, that's a waste of your time.

When I met DH he worked in sport for a living and played football, badminton and cricket to a high standard. All of his spare time was spent playing sport or drinking with his sporting friends.

But the differences were: he had just given up football due to fear of injuries so had more free time. And, this is the big one, I was 30 and he was 35. He wanted a wife and children and was prepared to make room in his life for us.

He cooked and cleaned because he had his own house before we met. He actually liked doing the shopping! He wanted a proper and fair partnership with me. We had two kids and he certainly did his share of child rearing.

We have been married now for over 30 years and he still does all of the food shopping and cooking. We are still madly in love and each other’s best friend.

Throw this chap back, OP. You have loads of time to find a much better man who will be a proper partner in your life and help to raise your self esteem, as my DH has done for me.

Christ! Dump him, he’s selfish and treating you like his mum/housekeeper. You need to be single and work on your self esteem.

He’s literally not thinking about you at all.

Your partner sounds a lot like my ex husband.

I enabled his behaviour to the point that when I was in labour, and our baby was in distress, he still didn't drive me to the hospital as Liverpool were playing Chelsea.

Our son and I both medically died and had to be resuscitated because of the delay in getting us to the hospital.

That wasn't even his wake up call.

I kept telling myself he would stop the football and the golf when our son was older and could interact more, so we went on to have our daughter but his parenting didn't improve.

We are now divorced and he barely sees his kids as the fixture list still takes priority.

I wouldn't have listened in your position, but I hope you do.

He is not going to be a good life partner

I spent years being 2nd fiddle to a hobby, I went to weddings, parties, funerals on my own as it was always an 'important' event. Holidays were spent doing his hobby, he wasn't really bothered if I was there or not in truth. Even our honeymoon was related to his hobby.
A friend asked me if this was the life I wanted in 5 years' time. I thought long and hard and knew he would never change; even when I told him our marriage wasn't working for me, he had no idea, even though I had been complaining about his lack of commitment for a long time.
I am happily divorced, he is living alone with his hobby for company.

I'm so so sorry that you are with this arsehole. Please don't accept his scraps and why the hell shouldn't you have a bloody big birthday night out and be spoilt!!!
Come on - a walk and a coffee??
Want more for yourself - you deserve it!

Selling a house and splitting will be hard but so so worth it in the long term. And stop being his maid - he can do his own bloody washing and cooking.

God, honestly I'm raging on your behalf I really am!!

I think he is putting you last over and over again! He doesn't seem to be into u in a big way. Don't settle for this life .you will come second all the time .look for someone more committed to you 9

Oh op, do not have children with this man. You will never have family time and you'll end up a very lonely parent.

Don't be sad. I know it feels bad now but be happy you've come to your senses before you have children.

My friend ditched her fella when their dc were 10 and 8. She'd effectively been a single parent for years. He's a nice guy and a good dad but didn't want to spend any time with his DP and DC. She did everything. It's been hard on the dc.

Best that you don't start a family with this man. Having kids is hard work. You will find a partner who won't leave you to do everything and accuse you of nagging. Your DP sounds like a throwback to a byegone era of selfish useless husbands.

Please end it, you are his Mum. Do all the shit work and he doesn't even make an effort on your birthday.

If you have 2 bedrooms you can stay whilst you sort yourself out but stop shopping, cooking,laundry and cleaning up after him.

Run! I met my DH when I was in my early 20s out of a bad relationship and my self esteem was zero. He had lots of sporting hobbies. He’s retained some of them to the point he’s injured himself badly and left himself out of action meaning I had to look after our kids (one is severely disabled) as he couldn’t walk or weight bear. It’s miserable feeling like you come below sports and it’s unlikely he’ll change. He’ll either accuse you of nagging in which case you’ll let him do what he likes as you’ll believe you’re being unreasonable or he’ll sulk and there will be an atmosphere of resentment. The fact you’ll having to ask, says a lot. My DH spends what time he has watching sports when he’s not playing it or on his phone looking at sport related things. It’s beyond awful.

I once had a boyfriend like this. We were together for 3 years so not exactly a short fling. He had lots of sporty hobbies and friends that he prioritised over spending time with me. I was never "allowed" to see him on a Saturday night because that was "boys night" and there was always a football match on Sundays. So we could never spend a whole weekend together. He even told me once that if we'd made plans together and one of his friends messaged him asking to meet up, he'd cancel on me because he wouldn't want them to think that he was putting his girlfriend above everything else.

Never again.

You need to decide if you want to still being doing this in 10 years, plus more if you end up having kids. I think he's massively selfish. He has someone to cook, clean and shag (sorry) but is putting none of the effort in for those things.

There are better men out there.
He'll never put you and any future children first, it'll just be living from one broken promise to another while you grow resentful. These are supposed to be the fun days of enjoying life as a couple.

Count your losses and move on.