To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

[quote VivX]@TatianaBis If you read my comments, I said "apart from academics" - like smaller class sizes, better facilities or better extracurricular activities etc (dependent on the school, as different schools focus on different things) these factors have an benefit regardless of whether a child is academic or not.

And actually, I said only do it if you could "afford to send the other two to independent school (not necessarily the same one) too..." because academics is not the only factor here.[/quote]
Well no you didn’t actually. But even if you had, grammar schools can still have good music, art, theatre and sports departments.

And in terms of pastoral support a young relative of mine who moved from independent to state grammar has found the pastoral care at the latter far superior.

I would let her go. Cross the bridge when it comes re the other children. In my experience, no child at private judges another for being less well off. It’s just insecurity if parents projecting what they feel. Kids are kids and they don’t care what size of house you have…it’s who they get on with. That’s my view anyway.

@TatianaBis If you read my comments, I said "apart from academics" - like smaller class sizes, better facilities or better extracurricular activities etc (dependent on the school, as different schools focus on different things) these factors have an benefit regardless of whether a child is academic or not.

And actually, I said only do it if you could "afford to send the other two to independent school (not necessarily the same one) too..." because academics is not the only factor here.

Are your wages going to go up that significantly in the next four years that you will go from having to cut treats, etc to send one child to this school to being able to afford to send three children to the school, should they wish to go and all pass the entrance exam? What happens if you don’t get the promotion you are expecting in the next few years?
Even if you don’t think your third child is as academically gifted as the first two, to be fair, you will still have to give her the opportunity to sit the entrance exam if she wishes to. You have already under estimated how well your eldest would do, so there is a chance you have under estimated what your youngest is capable of.
It is a very difficult dilemma and really something you should have thought about in great detail before allowing your eldest to sit the entrance exam but that’s by the by now. As it stands, your eldest may resent you if you don’t allow her to go; either one or both of your younger children may resent it if they are not given the same opportunity or everything may work out fine. Any of these situations are a possibility and it’s impossible to know which the future will hold.
I know someone who’s second child got a scholarship and was the only one out of four to go a private school and there were never any problems or animosity with this, as far as I’m aware of, but she would have already been at the school before the youngest two were born. May have been totally different if any of the other children wanted the same opportunity and they weren’t in the position to even let them try though.

You would be doing your child a disservice not to send them. It will change the course of their life.

There is a thing called 'goal contagion'. The goals people have match the goals of those around them. If you are in a deprived area, unfortunately, most of the time people repeat a pattern and the majority will remain living in the deprived area. Of course not everyone, but that will be 'normal'.

Going to school with people who have goals of travel, professional careers like those of people around them will inspire your child.

In your shoes, I'd send her to the independent grammar for all the reasons you've given. Can you supplement your income with things like marking exam papers and tuition?

This seems a no brainer. Obviously, send your daughter to this school.

You can make decisions regarding your other children when they are necessary and when they are 11 there will be other advantages in your life - from career progression to not having your attention divided by younger siblings.

Congratulations to your daughter. She sounds brilliant!

*Mangled sentence - the end should say - or say yes having said no to DD

Also, what if your younger DC want to go on a different type of course when they're older? Are you going to say no on principle because older DD wasn't allowed to achieve her goal? Or say yes because you've said no to DD, and no one gets to?

In a post Covid world, with less job security and increasing prices everywhere, I predict (1) fewer parents committing to private school, (2) schools increasing fees and offering fewer bursaries. I think it would be risky to sign up for a financial commitment that's currently just beyond reach and will only become less affordable as time passes

And I take exception to your blanket statement that you "know for a fact" that your DD would struggle at ANY state school, but that's a separate issue

You can't always have your way in life. You also have to live within your means!

It's unfair but isn't life?

@Blogblogblogblog there's no guarantees in life no matter what OP bases her decision on. It's a gamble either way tricky situation

…what I wanted to finish on is that this thread shows a lot of people have talked about their own school experience and if it was bad, tried to do the opposite for their children ie switched private to state etc. Therefore you are never going to get a consensus as it’s such an emotive issue on many factors that are not relevant to you.

I was privately educated and had a bad experience. I flunked my A Levels (bullying/poor teaching). I am a teacher by profession and all my children went/go to the local big comp. They never have had less than an A at GCSE or A Level. Mostly A* at A Level.
There are no grammars nor private schools within 40 min drive so everyone goes to this school. There are a few that go to Oxbridge but it isn’t pushed - my eldest preferred the course at another Uni so didn’t even apply.
We are lucky that we are geographically isolated so that it is a proper comprehensive experience. I would say the facilities are similar to the ones I had at private school except sports and the teachers’ photo-copying budget. My children's school hasn’t got the sports fixtures or grounds but then the local town has and they all play there instead.

DD2 is equally academic, so a bursary may be an option for her too in time. OP may be earning more. DD3, if less academic, though the younger they are the harder it is to tell, could consider a means tested school like Christ’s Hospital or a state boarding school.

Well you wouldn’t would you - if you went to private and your kids are at grammars - which are pretty much like private school.

Of course grammars are getting results similar to private schools, some of them perform much better.

However, if grammars were an option for OP I doubt she’d be scrimping for this school. She quite clearly states there are none within 50 miles.

Full disclosure - I'm privately educated. I had the tennis courts and the rugby fields and the choirs. All that stuff. My kids are at state grammar. They're getting similar GCSEs and A levels to me. With all my super privilege.

I really don't get the massive drama about school on MN. No one gives a shit once you've gone to university. All you need to do is get into a decent one. All this handwringing is bonkers.

Not sure what that means. Unless you think she plans to block their access to education.

Absolutely agree @TatianaBis
I'm not convinced that the OP plans to give her other children any boxes

Equality does not mean the same.

Nope that isn't what I said @NeverDropYourMooncup

All children should get the same opportunities, whether they were born first or last.

[quote VivX]**@rookiemere* Yes because the OP has 3* children. Doesn't seem fair that only of them gets to go to an independent school, even if the eldest is "academic" and the two aren't. There are plenty of independent schools with a different focus than straight "academics".

Independent schools are a different world to state schools for many reasons - better music and sports facilities, better extracurricular activities, smaller class sizes, more encouragement, the list goes on. Those are benefits for every child, so it is unfair that only the eldest get to benefit from that.

Seems bonkers to me to create an inequality between siblings that could potentially last a lifetime.[/quote]
That's not really true. Grammars provide comparable academic environments to private schools albeit with less funding. And some grammars and state 6th form colleges perform better in the league tables than many private schools.

It seems to me bonkers to deny DD1 an opportunity of a lifetime that she has sought out and worked hard for, on the basis that it might not be affordable for the other 2. They may get bursaries too, either to this school or another. If no independent school in the area would give them a bursary they might consider a means tested boarding school such as Christ's Hospital or a state boarding school like Cranbrook.

There are lots of options. The most important thing is that the school is right for the child - be it state or independent. Sometimes children are happier at state schools.

If you can afford it she should absolutely go. Your other children may not want to follow her anyway. It's a fantastic opportunity. Well done to her for her achievement.