To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

I don’t think you have any choice now but send her - you’ve opened up the opportunity by letting her apply and I imagine there would be a lot of resentment if you then said no. Where are her friends going?

“Being the person she is” is fine and doesn’t mean bullying is inevitable.

What proportion of the fees will you have to pay? And how long is the bursary for - eg will she have to qualify for it each year?

You say yourself it is a very deprived area - what do you think the state secondaries are like compared to the independent grammar? Both in terms of facilities and peers?

Not all grammars are state funded. There are plenty of fee paying grammars.

Those are called selective private schools.

Personally I think you would be mad not to try and make this work. Getting the fees covered is such a big thing. With the uniform - my kids are at an independent school and there is a second hand uniform shop run by the mums which is used by many of us. There is no stigma to it at all. Nor do the kids care or necessarily know who is on a busary.

I think the fact that your DD was self motivated enough to find out about the school, get you to put her up for it and then win a coveted place is awesome. It would seem such a shame not to let her go to a school she loves if there was any way to make it happen. Well done her (and you!)

Unless you can absolutely guarantee that the school will also give you the same level of financial subsidy for your other two kids, don't do it.

You're already talking about making sacrifices just for the uniform. And that's not something you buy once - children grow an enormous amount in their teenage years.

What if your other girls pass the exam and you have to say that although you've paid for Alice to go, you called afford to send Belinda or Claire so tough

You have to be able to offer a similar private education opportunity to the other children - whether it is a selective independent school or less academic independent - you simply cannot send just one child to independent school - you are creating division amongst siblings and a lifelong therapy journey for those left at state school

Absolutely not if it’s going to have a measurable negative impact on the rest of the family’s life. If she’s clever, she’ll do well anywhere.

If your DD has lots of academic potential and has won a place at a selective school, when you live in a deprived area, I would absolutely do all I could to send her there.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Don't sacrifice her future.

Your other DC are young enough you can save for them as well.

I agree with @busyeatingbiscuits
Private schools have bullies too and I have personal experience of being regarded as "poor" by a class full of kids whose parents pick them up in a fancy car, who go on multiple foreign holidays, whose parents kit them out in all the designer brands and who get to go on all the fantastically expensive UK and foreign school trips.
If you are (understandably) worrying about money now, you can't afford it and you certainly won't be able to offer the opportunity to siblings.

I would take the plunge. It sounds like a good fit for your daughter and if she was motivated enough to pass without tutoring I think you should give it a go. I don’t agree that you have to offer the same for every child as not all of them need the exact same schooling for things to be equal.

Think about how you could possibly fund the extras and budget for them throughout the year.

I would send her and make the financial sacrifices if you possibly can. She obviously passionately want to go there. You will be able to buy some of the uniform second hand and perhaps grandparents might help?

I admire the confidence (/stupidity) of all the PPs telling OP (who has said she is a teacher) that it is not a grammar school because it charges fees.

Not all grammars are state funded. There are plenty of fee paying grammars.

All the private secondaries round here style themselves as grammars (and they do require the 11+ as well as £££s), but some are apparently pickier than others about how well you need to do to get in.

Honestly I don't think it's a good idea to make your child the poor kid at a private school - as you say, kids are horrid!
If the uniform and transport are a stretch, how will you fund the school skiing trips and educational visits to New York?
How will she keep up with her friends in terms of hobbies, clothes, phones, laptops?
That's going to be a huge pressure.

I think unless you know you could definitely do it for your other DC then no and it sounds to me like you can't. It must be a very difficult dilemma but I do think children can reach their potentials anywhere. My friends and I went to a really rough secondary school, we were all top set and have gone on to become doctors, teachers, solicitors, scientists etc. You find your people.

Why do you keep calling it a grammar school? Does it have that word in its name? Sorry I know not the point of the thread but am just interested as I think it’s confusing 😆
It’s just that grammar schools are generally understood to be something completely different to what you’re talking about.

But there is a private school round here with grammar in its name so maybe that’s why you keep doing it 🤔

In answer to your question…: I suppose you have to look at whether you can really afford it in the round, taking all your children’s needs into consideration. Plus possible rise in earnings for you vs rise in cost of living

What does your daughter want? You haven''t said.

If you’ve got a bursary you mean a Grammar School in name alone. A bursary is for an independent school.

Selective Grammar are state funded.

But anyway, I have two children and I’ve already thought about what would I do re education. There is no way I’d send one to private school and not do it for the other. Absolutely not. My children are equal. Any calculations we make are for both.

If we can’t afford it, then neither go

Okay, if there are any school fees involved (which it sounds like there are), your daughter has not won a place at a grammar school. She has been offered a place at a private school (with bursary and scholarship, which are usually two different things these days). I presume you have looked into how selective and academic the private school is? They are not all the same, and certainly not all comparable with actual (state) grammar schools. I would also not do this if I wouldn't be able to afford to send younger siblings as well?if they got in and were offered an equivalent bursary) - that could easily breed real resentment.

You need to treat them all fairly. Not identically, but it does have to ve equitable.

If one of the younger siblings had musical aptitude, would you be able to get music lessons, or would it all be tied up?
Or a catch up tutor if they were struggling?
Sports club fees?

Personally I'd use the money to benefit all three children.