To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

How much is the transport and uniform? Are there any trips?

I would be very conscious of wanting her to fit in. You talk about her being eccentric-if she’s eccentric and also doesn’t get things like the latest iPhone, how would she react? My kids are at grammar and the money some of the parents spend on their kids phones/MacBooks/clothes is phenomenal. So many have huge monthly contracts and then get a brand new iPhone every birthday. I would imagine private school is much worse. I know these things shouldn’t matter and I couldn’t give a shit what phone I have, but kids do ultimately often just want to be like their peers. How would she feel if she didn’t have the same stuff? This only gets worse when they get older-some of my DD’s friends have newer cars than mine at 17!

You talk about her needing the small class sizes you get at grammar but my kids are all at grammar and their class sizes are huge! I presume that’s different in private schools though.

You’ll find others in the same boat or similar. There will be families who have stretched themselves to afford the fees and will not be joining in with trips etc.

You can apply for assistance with trips and independent schools often have thrifty parents who sell their old uniform at the second hand uniform shop onsite.

Have you sat down and discussed this with her? Perhaps outline the situation - you will be different to many of them etc.

It’s an incredible opportunity. Life changing.

It sounds good to me as long as your daughter is comfortable with it and happy there. When the time comes, you will find ways to stretch yourself financially for the other two.

Well done to your girl for being accepted and awarded a bursary.

Your dd has done the hard part so far, she’s excited, I really don’t think you should say no

We’ve used a mix of state and private and both can be good if they are the right fit for the child

I would send her .Are there any relatives who may help? She will be upset if she never gets the chance !

I think you should’ve thought through the financials before applying.

How much are the annual fees after the discount? Can you comfortably afford this?

Fees are likely to increase year on year. Ditto costs of living. 5 years to GCSE is likely to add up to £100k+

Does the school run its own bus service? They may be able to discount the cost.

Also it’s abject nonsense that allowing your DD to take up an academic scholarship is ‘unfair’ to your other children as it’s not certain your others could win the same offer.

What’s the logical extent of that - no selection for elite sports for a highly skilled child because their sibling isn’t as good as football/ tennis? No sleepovers or parties for one child as another one finds it harder to make friends?

Give them all the love and encouragement you can equally of course but it’s life, just life that as they get into their teens they will start to have different experiences and achievements

Your DD sounds tremendously bright and self motivated, I can't imagine having the conversation where you tell her no she can't go because you couldn't afford it if the others got in.

I can absolutely imagine having the conversation where you tell her how proud you are of her, but make it clear that this will be a bit of a financial stretch, so uniform from the thrift shop and you can't afford extras like school trips abroad etc. Honestly she sounds exactly the sort of person to do babysitting/dog walking or whatever it took if she wanted something.

Also schools quite often have discretionary funds that no one would know about if they hadn’t gone in and been honest about their circumstances.

You could start her, see how she’s fitting in etc, and if the bus fare is still a struggle ask for a chat with the Head/pastoral care lead. I have a (lone parent) friend who was struggling and was told “don’t take her out .. school will fund her, but leave her here”.

Uniform: all schools have uniform sales. You can befriend the admin staff in school who takes in all the grown-out-of uniforms from parents and ask her/him to keep you its aside. I know this is done too.

I voted YABU at the point where you work in a ‘great school’ - ok for other kids but not yours

I'd go for it. But get in touch with the school and ask for help. If she did that well, they may help more.

I’d go for it. She’s very fortunate to get offered a place, let alone with a bursary. Even more so if she loves the school.

I would move heaven & earth to get her there.

Especially from what you’ve said about her eccentricities. There may well be a little group of children just like her at the school so she finds friends straight away. Or at the very least doesn’t stand out as much.

If she ends being bullied or whatever (which is your fear) I’m not sure it will be easy to go back to the school and say “you know that bursary you offered us last year .. is it still available?”

Is it fair to not let her reach this potential?

Grossly unfair in my view. Every child should be encouraged to reach their full potential. If she’s incredibly bright the chances are she’ll be bored and coast in your school @Troisfoisfilles.

There is no reason your DD can’t get 9s at a State school, plenty do.
It’s probably easier to do so in small classes with lots of resources but you are a teacher OP, surely with your help she can achieve her potential?

I think you really must send her - the best education possible is a life changing experience. Quite aside from that, is clear from your post that the decision to apply came from your DD herself, she is motivated to attend and the passion has come from her. She is also clearly hugely able and bright (getting a scholarship on top of a bursary is a massive achievement) and should flourish there.

Incidentally this isn’t a private/ state thing - different schools are right for different DC and it’s clear that your DD has insight into why this is right for her personality and needs. My DH was also a little ‘eccentric’ as a child and went to the selective Grammar and was extremely happy. His sister was very different - sporty and confident and easy going. She went to local comprehensive and was also very happy. They both went on to professional roles and have been successful. My sister-in-law is adamant that they both went to the right schools for them and that she doesn’t think my DH would have got on as well where she was - because he’s quite a different person.

I don’t think you need strictly ‘the same’ for each child and anyway your others are tiny and there is time.

I went to private school and know from personal experience that there will be a range of financial circumstances and help available. I had friends with horses and designer bags and friends whose parents worked as cleaners and were on full bursary with no money for extras at all. We all rubbed along and people were sensitive. There will be a thriving second hand uniform sale world!

My advice would be to accept her place but be totally upfront with both your DD and the school that there is no money for extras. Her uniform will be second hand and she may not be able to go on trips unless there is help available. The education will be worth it

@Blossomtoes - the OP's other children are 7 and 8. Year 2 and year 3.

Unless the OP knows that the school does offer the same level of subsidy to multiple children from the same family, then she is not giving her other children the same opportunities as her first one.

The first rule of parenting multiples is that it has to be fair. Not always the same, but fair.

I’d let her go

It’s a great opportunity for her