To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

How tight will the finances be?Will it mean a lesser holiday or no holiday at all.The cost of living is rising rapidly compared to income would this be a problem Doesthe school have it’s own transport,the school may help with that.If you can still have a quality of life .I would send her,she is a bright girl.Second hand uniform is usually available in private schools,just outgrown but it is very expensive new.There are ways around that,not all children in private education are well off many struggle.Good luck with your decision.

No. I don't think it's fair for the younger two to miss out on things because the budget is being squeezed for their older sister's school uniform and daily travel.

When will it be their turn, because in a few short years she's going to be in university and costing you even more. You say you hope to be earning more by then, but is this a hope or something that's very likely to happen?

IIRC it was founded back in the 1600s, though, when AFAIK such schools called themselves grammars because they concentrated largely on Greek and Latin grammar.

How is she supposed to know whether or not the school will award more than one bursary per family?

Don’t for pity’s sake ring them up and ask them this, OP. They will have you down as a first class pain in the arse.

Also children change. A seven year old who is really capable now might not gain a bursary in 4 years time. You or they have No Way of knowing what all the variables will be in a few years time. Your own kids’ and the other applicants.

Have you allowed for fee increases? These can be quite significant annual increases and bursaries are usually fixed so you’ll need to cover more each year. You don’t want to get to the point in three years time where it’s impossible to keep her at her school. There are discretionary funds but they aren’t a given, it’ll be at the school’s discretion how they are used and they may prioritise other families who aren’t already receiving a bursary.

@Troisfoisfilles I would do it. It sounds like most things are covered, start little pots for saving towards uniform etc. I would ask the school if they have any additional supports with incidentals, some are very understanding that even those small extras can be challenging. Also many have second hand uniform sales/exchanges.

I was once in a very similar situation regarding one of my dc, and have no regrets. The structure, opportunities, ability to advance and not be bored at school, have prooved wonderful. My other dc aren't in the same sitution, one will never be due to SEN, but even my dc without that those type of schools wouldn't be the right fit. More and more I see that fair isn't equal, each child will have their own needs. My child with SEN I spend money on in different ways - private speech therapy for example.

I would say that there are things to be aware of - some of the kids will come from far more wealthy homes, though not all. In fairness, while we aren't in a deprived area, I actually have met families who are as wealthy in the state sector, and some families were in the same boat as us in the smaller independent school, most of whom were also on bursary and scholarship. Today I see more older cars at our small independent than at the local state primary. Obviously that isn't the case for all, clearly, but not all independent schools are all very wealthy families. In addition, there will be more incidental costs etc. It is just the reality.

Is there any way you can increase your hours if you aren't already full time? Or if you are a teacher, could you tutor? Even just a couple students a week may give you 100-150 month extra. I know it isn't always easy to add in more work. I'm a single parent too and it is a sacrifice. I've learned what times at weekend/after school I can make extra work, mostly work for the family and having those extra funds come in, for me has been a huge help mental health wise, and practially too. Not something I will do forever, but it is really nice to see the emergency fund/buffer build up for incidentals and to know that allows each dc to have their needs met, and opportunities to thrive.

How do you know that your child won’t do well at a state school. My DS narrowly missed out on a state grammar school and he has thrived at our local state school as he is in top sets for everything and a very short walk to school with neighbourhood kids. If at grammar, he would have been around the middle/bottom and a long bus journey. You should have considered these issues before discussing with your child the possibility of going to this private school - she has done well and it is too late for you to backtrack now I’m afraid

I already answered this. All 3 of my children are treated exactly equal. I would never treat them unfairly.

And yet you say that your youngest 2 will have to miss out on "little treats and things" that presumably your eldest had? It depends a lot what you mean by this. If you mean that holidays are now camping in Cornwall rather than going abroad, that's one thing. If you mean there will be no holidays at all, but day to day will be fine, that's another. If you will have to budget very carefully to afford an icecream at the park, that's yet another.

It looks likely that the cost of living will only be going up, and private school fees have a nasty tendency to rise faster than inflation. Have you looked at your budget for next year, for 5 years' time?

If things are as tight as you say, then basically everyone is sacrificing for your oldest child. That's not fair.

That said OP I think if it was me I would send her but work my arse off to earn more and make sure I can afford it long term.

You haven't answered my question of whether the school offers the same level of financial subsidy to multiple children from the same family though @Troisfoisfilles.

Have you checked? Because if they don't and that means that your second super academic child gets fabulous results and is not able to go to the school her elder sister is at because you can't afford for two children to go, then that is not treating your children equally.

So are you basically saying your younger ones will miss out on 'nice things' so your daughter will do 'well' rather than 'ok'? What exactly are your younger ones going to miss out on?

I would send her. It seems harsh to let her take the test then not allow her to go.

I don't think passing the entrance tests for independent schools necessarily mean a child is a genius - after all they need to fill spaces.

However if she has been given a bursary then she must be bright. With the younger ones maybe explain to them you can only afford if they get the bursary.

In a deprived area your local state schools might not be amazing?

I think Mumsnet is quite anti private schools - you know your daughter & if she will be eaten alive at the state school then you need to do your best for her.

Your update helps answer a few questions raised by others. I think you should give all three DDs equal opportunity. They may not turn out to have the same abilities but at least they get an equal chance. It sounds like you can cope financially because of the age difference. Whether an independent grammar will give a better education and chances in life than a state school depends on the qualities of each. I have friends who did well at both and who all went on to Russell group universities.

Your not being unreasonable but In my experience going to a grammar school makes no difference to their adult lives

My youngeat sibling went to a grammar school. She got excellent results.

She doesn't have a proper career. She works as an entertainer at a care home and sings at pubs at the weekends.

My other 2 sisters who went to a normal school are a manager and a landlady,

My youngest sister did not have fun at the grammar school, she was eccentric, the other kids didnt like her and she sat on her own everyday. She had zero friends at school.

Paying different as the parents

I have taught in both private and state. A bright student will do very well in state education. Also the worst bullying I’ve ever seen was in the private schools I worked at - don’t for a moment think that ‘eccentricities’ will be more favourably received at a private school. Kids are cruel.
Also I really don’t think you can send one kid to private school and not the others, but that’s just my opinion.
I really think you should have thought about this before you entered her for the exam.

Disagree that by sitting the exam you’ve made the decision. You’ve not handled it well though IMO.

Also disagree that the hard part is done: paying is the hard part.

I think you must do what is the best for your daughter now. When your other children reach that stage you do the best for them. Children are a not a one size fits all
My children thrived at different things and I 100% supported their strengths

I think having presented this as an opportunity to her - which you did by letting her take the exam in the first place - you need to send her. She’ll resent it otherwise. Worry about the other two further down the line.

You've already made this decision when you let her sit the exams. It would be devastating to say she can't go now. Life-long resentment.
Fwiw I agree with that decision, given the area. Children are individuals and one size does not fit all. It's unfair to hold dd back when the younger two are unknown quantities and might not even want to go to the independent school.

There are loads of people who have one child gone all the way through independent school then not been able to do it for the younger one.

I don’t know what they say to explain it to their kids (we ran out?) but in the families that I know, the (now grown up) kids have a great relationship.

Interestingly, they are all eldest child (independently educated) girl. younger one boy.

This doesn't help you, but this is why we stopped at 2. So we could afford private secondary if needed. I don't think it matters if they go to the same school, but the same amount of resource needs to go into the choosing of the school including the same sacrifices.