To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

I would do everything possible to give my children the most suitable education you can @Troisfoisfilles. As long as you're confident that you can also do the same for the younger ones, which you seem to be. The sacrifices now are what will set her up for a brilliant future and I can't imagine prioritising anything else over it, though that might just be because I went to a crap school so prioritised a private education for my children.

Not everyone at private school has masses of money, my eldest dd went to an independent secondary school with equestrian facilities and the daughters of oligarchs. You could have fitted our entire house in the entrance hall of most of her friends houses. She was never once bullied for not having the same as them and made great friends.

And investigate uniform exchanges and such like

I think that with the extra issues you outline, I would probably send her. You know I'm your heart that she is a prime candidate for bullying.
But I think you need to sit down and have a really good conversation so she understands from the off that she will see her peers getting lots of things that she never will. And that birthdays etc will be low key.
My main concern would be ensuring she can go right through the school there. Is the scholarship for the full length of secondary education?
The absolute worse would be sticking her back in a state school part way through.

I think you should send her now it has got this far.
Worry about the other two children later on down the line. Every child is different. The second one who is quite academic might be fine in the school you teach at because they have a different personality. And you could supplement their education with extra-curricular activities if you feel she is missing out on something.

Rubbish. Sacrificing her whole future ( and no, she won't do well anywhere, as my bullied academic son will tell her) for 'a lifestyle '? Bonkers

But it's ok to sacrifice the 2 other children's futures?

it would help a bit if OP would explain a little more what the other kids are going to miss out on though. If it's trips to Florida every other year instead of every year, or if it's no holidays, and smaller birthday presents etc

Go for it. There will be a brilliant second hand uniform shop and stuff will be hardly worn.

My DC uniform is about £5-600 new. Each year I get it for under £120 in the second hand shop.

You may also find the PTA has a bursary find for children on bursaries to cover school trips. Our PTA does this and we fundraiser very hard for it. No one is left out. If your school doesn’t do this, join the PTA & get it done.

Congrats to your DC

I was the poor kid at the private school.

I got a free place via the 11+ (a very long time ago). All my uniform was secondhand either bought via the school or handed down from older pupils. I didn't go on the ski trips or foreign holidays until towards the end of school when my parents had a bit more money.

Many of my friends (but certainly not all) had enormous houses with swimming pools, tennis courts and paddocks whereas I lived in a modest semi-detached and we didn't even have a car.

I absolutely loved it and didn't care in the slightest that other people had more money and vice versa.Thinking back, I wasn't envious at all...I just felt lucky that I had friends with swimming pools and huge gardens.

However, my sister failed her 11+, went to the local secondary modern which really was a sink school and did very badly. She had undiagnosed dyslexia and struggled until she found her niche and is now a successful writer (ironically). I know that she still has a certain level of resentment that I was the "Golden Child" in our wider family (particularly in my Grandfather's eyes) even if there was not much of a financial difference in the commitment to each of us.

I was lucky that I was in the best place for me but my sisther would not have done well at my school either, she was much more of a rebel than me, much less willing to knuckle under and accept the rules. She would have hated my school just as much as she hated her own and would probably have been expelled fairly quickly.

If I were in your position, OP, I would send your eldest to the private school but make very sure that your younger children do not later feel that they have been judged as deficient in comparison by anyone. When the time comes to decide whether the younger two can go to the same school, make the decision on what is best for them, not what seems "fair".

and as for 'sacrificing her whole future'. That's up there with all the hysterical 'is a bomb going to drop on my head this week?' threads.

Most parents wouldn't have let their DC sit the exam to a school that they couldn't afford, so it wouldn't arise, but OP is where she is.

Rubbish. Sacrificing her whole future ( and no, she won't do well anywhere, as my bullied academic son will tell her) for 'a lifestyle '? Bonkers

There are three children in the picture, not just one.

Do it. You won't regret it, even if she doesn't stay there until 18.

My parents did this for me a,d, although I was only there 2 years (my parents moved to the other end of the country), it increased my confidence and knowledge so much that I then did better at the state school I then went to.

I wouldn't. A clever child does well everywhere and they can achieve their full potential without an expensive school. My ex-boss and I are examples of this.
I know a lot of people who went to a grammar school and didn't end up doing well also.

She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school

What makes you think this?!

My kids both went to a State school. They did great at Uni. One is an Engineer and the other is a Teacher.

Don’t give one child something that you can’t afford for the others. It’s divisive. I have two kids, one at private school and the other is at a state grammar. The one we pay for is to balance the fact that the other is also at a decent school.

OP there are just as many bullies in nice independent schools as in state . They will identify a child who’s parents struggle to or don’t provide the little extras or can’t provide the right clothes for mufti day . I think it is very much dependent on how tough you think your daughter is to withstand such bullying .

I’d also be cautious about rising costs of living at the moment , school fees will doubtless rise too .

Ignore the people saying your 'great school' isn't good enough for your DD- you know her best- I'd never have sent my DS to my school either!!

I understand you're worried about the squeeze on your finances, but in your position I would do it. I think anyone would if they could and if they say they wouldn't they're lying

No brainer

Go for it
Uniform all second hand (I did)
Talk to school about transport costs

I wouldn’t hesitate

Also, I can guarantee that the costs you are aware of and mention in your OP, will be just the tip of the iceberg.

I would do it and worry about the others when the time comes.

You have more than 1 child so you can’t favour 1 over the others.

I see it a lot in my particular sport - 1 will have literally thousands spent on them and all the parents free time and attention thrown at them - the other kids just tag along bored.

You haven’t answered what kind of ‘little treats’ the younger DC would be missing out on. That would be the deciding factor for me.

Not all education happens in the classroom. I think being able to travel (in the UK or abroad), visit museums, and take part in sports/arts clubs are also important for a well-rounded education. I went to a large state comp which did have some issues, but I now have a PhD in a subject I fell in love with on a school trip. I know not everyone can afford these extras, but I wouldn’t pay school fees for one child if it meant all of my children missed out on these things.

On the uniform front, I'd check if there is a thrift shop and possibly a FB unofficial uniform selling page.
DS goes to an independent and I buy most of the branded stuff second hand, as does the majority of people that I know.

And if uniforms are a stretch how will you manage the extra curricular stuff like school trips?