To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

I'd have a word with the school. They usually have secondhand uniform shops where the kit is available at a fraction of the price and often a fund for bursary children to help them to do the 'extras' such as days out, residentials, etc. It may well be that your school will have these things and you'll be able to get the extra support you need for your child to attend. Good luck!

My son goes to an independent school. I run the second hand uniform sales. We have mountains of stock, we were practically giving it away last term. It is bought by parents who I know have plenty of money just as much as by those who might be a bit more financially stretched. There is no stigma, in fact it’s cool to reuse and recycle and the school endorses that as a philosophy.

Your DD has played a blinder and sounds like a great, motivated girl. You are too far down the line now to back out, she will never forgive you. You should have pulled the plug before applying if cost was looking to be prohibitive.

I can’t imagine that any school could possibly have a policy of one bursary per family, that would be a grossly unfair policy. If your other kids want to they can try the exam just like their sister. If they don’t get it, that’s no different to her making the hockey team and them not, or her having a musical talent that they do not.

I’m really really confused, though, how a teacher would not realise that “grammar school” has a very specific meaning and (regardless of what the school calls itself) describing it as a grammar when you meant independent school was going to cause massive confusion.

You've said you hope to be in a better financial position to be able to send your younger DCs, is that likely? Do you forsee you'll get a promoted post? And have you calculated how much your situation can improve without taking you out of eligibility for the bursary/scholarship?

I think you have to send her but you need to remember she isn't you. There is a hint that you're chasing what you consider your unfulfilled potential by sending her to a school that you would have preferred too. If she's as quirky and quiet as you think (you've mentioned it in nearly every description of her) then she might not be happy there. Private schools are not an oasis of motivated, kind, mature DCs. I don't agree that all your DCs need to go there. DCs have different skills and interests. But if they want to attend then you need to give them the option.
As PPs have said uniform costs aren't an issue. There will be second-hand uniform available. It is the day trips, requirements for ipads for lessons, etc, that add up.

I don't know why some people are saying it will cost £100k. The fees are paid for I thought it was transportation, uniforms and extras only that OP was funding.
I definitely think she should go, it sounds like she's desperate to, and is obviously very bright. It sounds like financially OP could earn more in the future- getting a job at the school is the best idea - and in a year or so maybe DD could get a weekend job like a paper round or babysitting to cover any extras.

Also I knew 3 scholarship pupils at a local private exclusive private secondary school - as far as I know they were all fine, took any teasing if it came their way with a pinch of salt and as long as they worked hard and were good pupils there was no issue whatsoever!

One of the boys dated and married one of the girls in his school and her parents scrimped and saved to send her to private school - including trips abroad etc - but there was never snobbery.

Let her go. She's got where she is on merit. Her siblings have the choice of talking the exam in due course. It won't necessarily affect her relationship with them if they're at different schools. There's no guarantee that siblings will get on/share friends groups or interests anyway. Many independent schools pay extras (trips, lunches, sports kit) for bursary pupils so you might not need to cut back the way that you think. They are also very discreet about it. Speak to the school bursar and see if he/she can reassure you on this. They may also know of other funds or charities that can assist. My DN was in a similar position and a few sessions with Google uncovered all sorts of grants and she was able to access some of them. Use the school uniform sales but beware, the poshest parents have the sharpest elbows! There's absolutely no stigma attached to buying second-hand uniforms at the School sale. The only items they don't stock are underwear and shoes.

I went to private school for the last 3 years of my education.

When I started it was just after autumn half term - I got a second hand blazer (new one a year later) but they'd had some parents not picking up new clothes so I got those (still in packets).

The blazer was fine though, had a tiny grass stain on it which came out during dry cleaning.

Definitely see if you can get a job there - friend did at his sons' private prep school. Also, marking exam papers, tutoring after school and e.g. if you have a special talent like art/drama you can teach and you could do it (mum took me and DB along) then do this - drama classes in this case. She was also a children's party entertainer doing puppet shows.

For me it helped a lot going to a decent private secondary school even though it wasn't the best in the area.

YANBU education should always be the priority over “treats”
I say go for it.

I would send her. Please don’t worry about the ‘extras’. In my experience, not all the children go on these additional trips and kids are very understanding / oblivious / disinterested in financial status - it’s adults who care more about that in my experience. She’s shown tremendous initiative and drive. This is a wonderful opportunity. It’s the day to day that matters most, not the occasional extra that she may, along with many others, not be able to do.

@thevassal - you clearly didn't read my post properly. The point I was making was that if the super academic DD2 also passes the exams but is unable to go because the school only offers scholarships and bursaries to one child in a family, that would be awful.

The OP has now confirmed that the bursary/scholarship her DD1 has received could potentially be also available to her other children. So that's much better.

You can't tell a child that the same opportunities aren't available to them because you've made all your investment in their big sister.

Miriam101 Fri 04-Mar-22 16:43:24
I think you have to let her go. It's chances like this that can set someone's entire future (not always, but often). She's taken the first step by insisting she sit the exam; to not let her go now she's aced it would be desperately unfair, IMO..................

I agree with Miriam. Please remember, op, that you will not be the only parent at the school who struggles a bit, there will be a few who struggle more too.

What is important is how keen your daughter is to go there and, when she is there, if she settles and likes it. If she doesn't, take her away and find somewhere else. I hope she does though.

Don't let her know about any difficulties with the fees, etc, or she will feel bad about it. I've known people go on and on about the 'sacrifices' they make for their children and that is just not on. At the end of the day, it is the parents' choice and kids do not need a burden of sacrifice on their shoulders. I'm sure you wouldn't be like that by the way but it does happen.

I wish her, you and the whole family every success.

Hi OP,
I think the sacrifices are worth making. I think your children will still have a good quality of life. Well done to your dd. If you can talk to the school about additional funds you may be able to apply for that would also help. Mention to them specifically the uniform and transport and they may well be willing to help you. Goid luck. X

I wouldn't, but then I've been the poor kid at a private school and it was shit. I wouldn't put my kid through that. If you can't comfortably afford it, then you can't afford it. People won't intentionally be cruel about finances, but the expectations will be different. The things I remember looking back were that the curriculum assumed all children could play the piano in music and everyone had had tennis lessons since they were toddling. No-one was around in the long school holidays, alot went off to second homes. There was just an expectation that money was no issue and any problem could be solved because their parents would pay for it. My sibling who didn't go private is still resentful of it decades later despite the fact that he wasn't academic, wasn't interested in the school and wouldn't have passed the entrance exam.

It's pretty simple: no because you can't afford it.

All the handwringing in the world won't change that.your child still gets to go to "great" school.

And frankly, you are deluding yourself that this grammar not grammar school will be the answer to her dreams. There are many unwritten extras that accompany private school fees, the expectation to engage in costly out of school activities, join ski trips, city breaks and so on.

If I could advise parents of one thing wrt their children's education it would be to send them to school in the company of children from a similar economic background, kids who have the same expectations around Christmas, clothes and holidays. Else you're setting them up to be a social pariah.

I thought the whole point of grammar schools is that they’re free?

Just a thought but you’ve said your DD2 is academic and is year 3? so that’s just 4 years till secondary school? And your eldest daughter will be at private for 7 years? Are you going to be able to afford 2 at private school in 4 years time potentially and not disadvantage the youngest?

Also are you going to be able to help with uni fees when the time comes for your eldest as well as sending the middle child and potentially the youngest to private? Just a thought, may be reading wrong Ofcourse.

I think you have to let her go. It's chances like this that can set someone's entire future (not always, but often). She's taken the first step by insisting she sit the exam; to not let her go now she's aced it would be desperately unfair, IMO.

I would send her. There will be second hand uniform sales . When my DS went to private school money was tight and we found that many agents were in the same boat. But it was worth every penny. Go for it.

Absolutely send her. She has passed the exam without being tutored, which immediately means she must be very bright. The majority of children who pass the independent school exams are heavily tutored for at least a year and often more, despite the fact that they might not admit it.
It simply isn't true to say that a bright child will do well anywhere. The level of education is more robust in the private system. It has to be. Parents are paying for it. Generally the teachers are highly qualified and enthusiastic about their subjects, and pastoral care is excellent.

An aside. My 3 have gone to private secondary (not UK). It has been brutal from a financial standpoint.

I would do it again and FIVE times over.

OP, I don't envy you your decision, and can see both sides of it. On balance, I'd do it.

Well this could have been me. I was awarded almost full scholarship for Y7 private school, with the alternative school both my parents taught at. They decided not to send me to the private school mostly because they were worried about paying my DB fees later.

I resented my DP, absolutely hated having them teaching at the same school, was picked on by other pupils and some staff who did not like my DF in particular. I stopped trying to do well and spent as little time at home or school as I could.

I applied again for Y9 entry and got a partial scholarship, smaller than before but everyone had realised it was for the best and off I went. Best thing that ever happened to me. My DB was perfectly happy at the local state school - had none of the same issues and we're now in our 40s with no issue at all about the different schools we ended up at.

Your DD sounds very bright and I would give her every chance to take the opportunity she has made for herself.

Uniform - we sourced a lot of uniform for our children second hand. The school FB page is a great starting point.

Extra costs for travel - well this depends on how much extra you will need to stump up. Does your DD qualify for free school transport?

Could you do a few extra hours to cover the extra expense.

I think that the hardships you've described aren't that big a deal. If you were saying you'd struggle to pay the mortgage, energy bills etc then that would be clearer.

I don't quite get how it would mean that you'd only have £50 instead of £100 each for presents for the kids - do you mean that it would effect the things you currently save for so you wouldn't be able to put as much away on a monthly basis? How much extra do you think this is going to cost you?

On the info you've given, I would say grab this opportunity for your daughter. Your three children will be very different and will need different types of support so it would be a shame to send your daughter to the 'wrong' school for her. If things get too tight, you would just have to move her and she'd have had the benefit of the start in a private school. Not ideal but not the end of the world either.