To send my eldest to grammar school knowing it’ll be a squeeze?

You are several years too late…

Title very misleading. Your kids go to private school with a bursary.
Not grammar school.

Definitely send her. Circumstances change and fast, and not sending her would be turning down a once in a lifetime opportunity. You have a good number of years to work up savings for the education of the others.
And most state schools, like you point out, are completely geared towards dragging struggling students over the pass mark. They can be soul-destroying for anyone serious about studying.

If your child likes the "grammar" school (that's actually a private school), and would be happier there than at the state school then send her there. If you don't you'll always wonder whether she would have had a better time. And if she wants to go and you don't allow her to do so, even though she's done well enough to get a scholarship, you risk a situation of resentment. Frankly it was a bit naughty of you to allow her to take the scholarship exam if you weren't sure you could afford the school or not: you set up her expectation that if she worked hard and did well in the exam that she would be allowed to go to that school - and if that simply wasn't the case it wasn't fair to put her through all that extra stress.

Private school is fantastic and can be the making of children. Not just in terms of classes and teaching but in terms of opportunities and connections the children can make for the future. I volunteered at a local state school (11-16 years old) during the pandemic, and for a period afterwards, and was utterly shocked by the atrocious learning environments I saw there. Other than the top set maths classes the rest were abysmal. I am astounded that any children do well in a situation like that where the classes are too big, the children who cause trouble get to do so with little intervention, and the teachers appear to be in a constant state of annoyance and boredom. If you can send your children to private school then please do so - you'll be doing them a massive favour. There's no way I would send children to state school based on my experience of witnessing what goes on in the classes at the local one (and it's purportedly one that gets decent rankings - which is even more shocking to think that there are far worse ones out there!!!)

Put it a different way then: She will have far better opportunities and is far more likely to achieve her full potential at a grammar school than if she goes to a state school. The reduced class sizes alone will be beneficial.

@Sabire9 I would tend to agree that the DCs who would probably benefit most from small classes, less disruption etc that a private school can provide are the less academic, underachieving DCs.

Unfortunately, they don't get scholarships/bursaries. Their parents have to pay full fees. The scholarships/bursaries are offered to bright but poor DCs so that the school gets some academic 'gloss'.

The less academically able (but wealthy) DCs do benefit from private school. Possibly achieving better exam grades than they would have at a state school. This, combined with wealth, opens doors for them which would otherwise have remained closed.

In my work I have come across a lot of this type. Very pleasant, excellent manners but absolutely no cogs whirring.

In other words, "my child is too unique and clever for state school, where she'd have problems learning alongside 'run of the mill' children who aren't as clever or as unique as she is."

As for your points about mixed ability schools - the evidence from educational research doesn't show that academic selection at 11 has a massive impact on academic attainment. A study from Bristol points to 'slightly higher' attainment for pupils at academically selective state schools than similar pupils at comprehensives. How relevant this would be to your child given they have a teacher as a parent and are more likely to do well anyway.

I've just seen your updates OP and I'm really glad things have worked out for your DDs. Best of luck

"She is very intelligent and would do well at any school but I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school."

Do you think any children reach their 'full potential' at state school?

"I really believe she needs the small classes, discipline and pushiness she’d get at a grammar."

Why do you believe that the only children who need and deserve 'pushing', 'small classes' and 'discipline' to meet their full potential are children who are clever and who learn easily?

Don't children who find learning more challenging need more teacher attention, less disruption and more encouragement?

BTW - this reads as 'my child is too clever for state school'. Really be mindful of what you say to other parents.

Nope. My point was that it’s impossible to know. I didn’t claim to know otherwise. I just don’t think you could know ‘for a fact’ either.

@Fedupmumofadultsons Probably because a decision with long term impact needs a while to see how it works out.

@Troisfoisfilles I have two very bright DCs and one definitely middling. Now, with hindsight, I can see that the one who would have benefited most from a private school atmosphere is the middling child.

He wouldn't have benefited from an academic hot house but he would have benefited from a more nurturing environment. Not being academic but being well behaved, his school failed to see him. 'He's very quiet' was the standard report. He left with a very small handful of certificates.

The two academic DCs did very well at GCSEs, both were hard workers and self starters. They would have both benefited from a more academic and focused sixth form. DC3 in particular would have benefited from better university application guidance.

This is the problem with hindsight. There is no opportunity to go back and make different decisions.

I wouldn't have made the decision @Troisfoisfilles made but I am glad for her that it is working out.

Never noticed this was years ago why do people post updates years later 🤔

What I should have said is ‘I know for a fact she won’t achieve full potential at a state school in our area’.

Yeh, so @bridgetreilly was correct... you've literally just changed what you said 😅

I know for a fact that she won’t achieve full potential at a state school.

You know nothing of the sort.

Very interesting. Thank you for answering my question. Sounds like #3 will forge a different but still impressive path. My youngest sister did the same!

Delighted to read your updates. Your DD3 also sounds like she too will do well, just on a different pathway than her sisters.

I’m so glad it all worked out. I only read your thread today, I was thinking at start of thread that of course DD1 must go there. And that if DD2 and DD3 managed to be accepted on almost full scholarship that they also get the opportunity. That is what makes it fair and equal for all. Not that one can’t go if they all can’t go.

Best of luck to you and your 3 DDs. You sound like such a lovely family.

I would do it and talk to the school about your financial position. They may be able to help. Also, is there another parent involved? If so can you both do all you can to save for the next few years in case your other kids want to go as well?

I’ve only just seen this thread for the first time. Something similar happened in my family and it all worked out so I’d have advised you to go for it @Troisfoisfilles . I’m glad you did.

happy for daughters 1&2. How are things likely to shake down for #3? Just curious.

@Troisfoisfilles I posted on your thread originally. I'm glad it is working out for you. That your second DC has also been awarded a substantial bursary is testament to their ability.

Looking at what I said then I don't think I would say much different now to someone in the position you were in then. But I am glad it has worked out for your family.