To be jealous of how my friend is raising her daughter?

I imagine this is what's behind your feelings, not your friend making her own family choices.

If your kids are living with screaming/bickering parents, they're hardly likely to grow up as calm individuals.

Absolutely this!!

She has a calm household as she’s not screaming and bickering with her partner.

Of course all siblings fight but if that’s the behaviour they’re exposed to then that’s how they’re going to act.

Ok you have a 2 year old plus a full time job and three other kids. That sounds really hard. Young kids are hard. Whereas your friend's child is reaching the stage where they are easier to deal with. You will get there too.

I have other things to be getting on with at the weekend so days out are few and far between. what things do you have to do? Can these be deprioritised so you can try and spend some quality time with your kids? If it's housework can you get a cleaner?

Can you reduce your days at work?

Never compare, but especially never compare unlike situations. I read just the other day a parenting expert - maybe Gabor Maté – saying show me a child who is 'mature; for their age and I'll show you a depressed adult. Children should be allowed to be children, not accelerated mini adult companions to a lone parent. A child who is always good is a child on high alert for her parent's happiness and fragility.

Or they're a happy, well behaved child?

You seem to be unhappy with your life - your post actually makes me quite angry

Concentrate on that rather than being green with envy

Yes she might like the setup she has but being a single parent is very difficult - it requires you to be two people at once sometimes

I feel sorry for you that you can’t see what you have

Can’t get my head around working full time and having 4 children

It's sounds like you're very unhappy and seeing your friend so happy is magnifying this for you. Instead of resenting your friend start thinking about what changes you can make to improve your own life.

"He has a daily beauty in his life that makes me jealous"

Careful OP

But this is easy OP

There is a secret, and she knows it. The secret is a half-full view, counting your blessings and not just accepting the hand you were dealt but also making the most of it.

You could do the same. It’s amazing to have a supportive relationships, secure job, 4 lovely kids. Yes, also hard work, but can you not rejoice in it a bit more?

Fwiw, as a mother of 2 boys I would have loved more boys (or girls)

Take a deep breath and count your blessings

@woodenstuck I have a couple friends who have similar set ups and I think it can be true that they are very very happy and not overwhelmed. Not every single parent struggles - resources, needs of your children have a huge impact.

I have a friend who retired young from her job as a Head of a lovely school. Adopted 2 daughters internationally 6 years apart. Both are very very bright. They live in a lovely bungalow she inherited. She retired at age after adoption 2. I think she was 50. They have a charmed life, very similar to that you describe. They aren't rich, but she will never have to count pennies. Twenty years in a home with no mortgage, on a very good income, now also with the proceeds of the sale of her parents home sitting in a bank account. Both girls take piano and are very good, it's all very simple and lovely. I think the age gap between her daughters helps, their needs aren't conflicting. Eldest will likely go to Oxford and wants to do neuroscience with a PhD. She's currently 17 and little one is in last year at primary school. That is in stark contrast to friends with 3 and 4 dc, full time jobs much like you describe. Having said all that, most people have stress of some kind sooner or later.

In some ways I think it's really normal to look at other people's lives and be intrigued, and perhaps occasionally wishful. Sometimes I think partly that's seeing how different your life would have been with different choices/circumstances. But also remember there would be so many people who look at your life and wish they could have had a larger family etc.

No judgement here for your feelings. I hope voicing them helped.

You work full time
You have 4sons

I am a single mum with a life fairly similar to your friends

And I wouldn’t swap for anything!!

Your choice to have 4 kids you don't have time for. If you'd stuck to one you could have had a similar parenting experience. 🤷‍♀️
Pretty horrible to to talk about a friend like this because you're not happy with the choices YOU made.

Why have four kids OP? Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it.

She's your friend. Be happy she's happy and work on your own life.

And that is precisely why I only have 1 child.

OP, you sound very unhappy.

But you made the choice to have four children with a fairly large age gap between eldest and youngest, so you need to make the best of it, not spend your time feeling angry because other people (who made different choices) have it 'easier'.

Have you done her course? A lot of university courses are very demanding e.g. healthcare courses, engineering etc. No one made you have 4 children.

There has also been some studies that have found several boys of similar ages tend to do well in their future as they are in competition with each other as children

So what does that mean for the significantly younger one?

Her life does sound nice and uncomplicated with her one child.

Try using this as a way to make some changes in your own household.

Create peace. Initiate one on one time. Where can you streamline your life. What can you change?

I feel people saying that having 4 boys was a misjudgement on your part is rather nasty and unkind.As for not shouting at them, or bickering with DH do these people live in la la land? All families are chaotic .My friend is a SM with 4 DC! She is always stressed and worried about money and has a FT job FFS! Try to relax and enjoy your DS ,There has also been some studies that have found several boys of similar ages tend to do well in their future as they are in competition with each other as children

I don’t envy your friend. I wouldn’t want to be a single mother with one child. Who knows what life will be like for her in 10/20 years….? well she will have a grown up daughter she's incredibly close with she could travel the world with. She could have a hot younger boyfriend she has amazing sex with whilst her daughter is at Uni and then she could have a couple of grand kids she dotes on and can afford to treat. Why can people only build up op by tearing down a woman who's done nothing wrong except have one child by her own choice or not.

You’ll have your husband and teenage/adult sons and hopefully not hard work as they are now. and she might not. You can't assume her life will somehow be better than her friends because she had more kids and isn't divorced ywt

Another idiot

You chose to have four children!!

I have two kids and a partner, but this isn't very nice. Not everyone wants more than one child, not everyone wants a sibling. Maybe think about other people on this thread reading things like this.

Never compare, but especially never compare unlike situations. I read just the other day a parenting expert - maybe Gabor Maté – saying show me a child who is 'mature; for their age and I'll show you a depressed adult. Children should be allowed to be children, not accelerated mini adult companions to a lone parent. A child who is always good is a child on high alert for her parent's happiness and fragility.

But I think jealousy is an indicator of what we want more of. So, find time to take one boy out for half a day each weekend, one at a time, for one-on-one time. I used to do this with my sons. Find out what they wanted to do and have a small excursion. We went to Comic Con, to guitar and bass shows at Olympia, to films, farms, museums etc. I don't believe you can't make time for half a day each weekend. Get all hands on deck for one hour in the morning to strip and remake beds, hoover, dust, polish, empty bins and sort laundry into darks and lights. Get them to take turns helping you do batch cook a bit for the week ahead. Then go and have fun.

Why are people so determined to hope that anyone who is happy won't be soon?!? Really bizarre. This is about the fifth comment on this thread saying 'don't worry, her life will be shit soon.' What a strange way to make yourself feel happier, by hoping that someone else feels worse.

MN doesn't like people who are happy and who have good lives.

If you post about how good things are going for you, you're accused of boasting or showing off, or of being insensitive and arrogant and smug.