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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist DD has her own cubicle (or one with a friend?)

134 replies

DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 17:10

My DD(8, nearly 9) has started swimming lessons in her school this term.

DD doesn't feel comfortable getting changed in front of all the other girls. I asked her do the boys get changed all together and she said no - they share cubicles with one other boy.

On the first week she asked and they complained at her for asking but eventually let her 15 minutes later as she was quite upset.

Second lesson her and one of her best friends asked together if they could share a cubicle with each other but the teachers said no and made them do it in the group.

There's about 9 girls in all and although DD has no specific body esteem issues she just doesn't feel comfortable and I think that should be respected 100%.

Would I be unreasonable to insist either DD gets a cubicle to herself or with a friend or I come and take her into one myself to help her? This will be a pain as it's the town over and I have a baby but I don't want my DD to already be told at this age that she has no right to boundaries.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ancientgran · 23/02/2022 18:54

I don't think the situation with the boys is relevant, I mean would she suddenly be fine about changing infront of other girls if the boys didn't have cubicles. I'd just raise her issue with changing and leave the boys out of it.

TravellingFrom · 23/02/2022 18:53

Also it’s possible that the teacher thought if they let your daughter change individually they would have to let all the other girls if they ask too.

Very likely to be the answer.

But I find it interesting that it’s the girls who are asked to cope with feeling uncomfortable/find ways to protect themselves for other people’s view and not the boys.
You could easily argue that it is easier to have the girls in the cubicles because they won’t mess around there and will get ready. And have all the boys in view to be sure they get on with things (the biggest issue re swimming when dcs were primary age)

Flutterby8 · 23/02/2022 18:42

I remember this being the case many years ago when I was at secondary school.
There is normally one large changing room reserved for schools. Pools dont have the facilities to allow the pupils to use a cubicle each as then they would also need a locker for their clothes.
If i remember rightly we left all of our belongings in the changing room and it was locked while we were in the pool.
It does stop kids messing about, getting left behind and encountering the public.

I hated changing in front of the rest of the class but remember getting dressed/undressed under a large towel which made me a bit more comfy.

Gowithme · 23/02/2022 18:35

At my dc's school only the reception/yr1's change in communal changing (all together m and f but on different sides of a wall), above that they all use cubicles.

Filterphobia · 23/02/2022 18:35

I’m a teacher and have taken school groups swimming for years. We get instructed by pool staff to use the group changing rooms for boys and one room for girls. The public use the individual changing rooms. If a child was to ask to change in an individual changing room or told me they were self conscious being in the group room, which some have done previously, I always find them a changing room to go in. Although I do then have a staff member stand outside that cubicle as they are in the middle of the public changing area.

I would imagine it’s a staffing issue or logistics. Also it’s possible that the teacher thought if they let your daughter change individually they would have to let all the other girls if they ask too.

I agree having 15 boys in one changing room is likely being avoided due to avoiding potential behaviour issues.

I’m sure if you ask the school they will be able to accommodate her needs, it’s disappointing that she has expressed her concerns already and the teacher never took her concerns seriously.

cherish123 · 23/02/2022 18:34

There might not be enough cubicles.
Could she wear costume under clothes to minimise changing.

Original poster

DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 18:34

@Wattleanddaub

Are the swimming teachers female/male or a mix? I've found some teachers have concerns about seeing pupils of the opposite gender undressed and might be using the cubicles to prevent that.

I was a bit surprised by it but then I'm not a swim teacher

I believe they are all female in this particular year group. The year above have a male teacher with them but on a different day.

I'd be surprised by it too. I can see why this may be more uncomfortable when secondary age and puberty is in full swing but having never taught it's hard to know how I'd feel in that situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 18:32

@RandomDent

I used to take school swimming. I hate group changing rooms. However we only ever had behaviour issues in them with boys. I’d wager that’s the issue, unfortunately for your daughter. If it were up to me everyone would have individual or paired changing rooms (there is room for that at our local pool). Great idea for the poncho towel.

I definitely do have all the sympathy for the school as it must be a right pain to get it 'right' and it won't please everyone.

Definitely looking into the poncho towel.

OP posts:

Original poster

DiscordandRhyme · 23/02/2022 18:31

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo

DD is 7 nearly 8 and is also uncomfortable getting changed around the other kids, they still get changed for PE all together boys and girls in the classroom.

I send her into school in her PE kit on PE days, so far school haven't raised it as an issue, if they do then I'll explain. On swimming days we have a Towelling Poncho from Next that she can get changed under. I bought it deliberately in a size way too big so she'd have room to manoeuvre.

The other change that made a big difference was buying pants for her in a shorts style so she has more coverage. Once she's in those she says it's fine and she doesn't need the towel anymore.

www3.next.co.uk/style/st786150/785021#785021

Pants like these

www3.next.co.uk/style/st766523/841505#841505

Unfortunately even so young there have been occasions where some of the boys in the class have asked girls to show them their boobs when getting changed for PE. None of them have boobs yet but that's besides the point.

Thank you for the links - I'll take a look and see if I can order one for next week.

It's comforting to know it's not just her. It certainly is a difficult one with changing bodies. Her best friend is much the same so it's definitely fairly common.

Glad it's easier for your daughter now.

OP posts:

ThirdElephant · 23/02/2022 18:31

Like this one:

www.decathlon.co.uk/p/kids-surf-poncho-500-110-to-135-cm-sky//R-p-309953?mc=8596738&utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=SurfacesForGoogle&utm_content=8596738-4066076&&iv=iv_p_1_g_66678446527_c_316333289255_w_pla-304956812153_n_g_d_m_v__l__t__r_x_pla_y_15177021_f_online_o_8596738-4066076_z_GB_i_en_j_304956812153_s__e__h_1006481_ii__vi&gclid=Cj0KCQiA09eQBhCxARIsAAYRiynp6pkOveF3CdIaHPee1lOzD4QfznL1vdtiH6yHMTh4ggS67DObuvgaAmD8EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

ThirdElephant · 23/02/2022 18:29

Get her a towelling poncho to change under.

ldontWanna · 23/02/2022 18:26

@skgnome

By all means talk to school, but my guess would be logistical rather than anything else Two piece swimsuit under the uniform and a towelling poncho for after could solve the issue

Most swim teachers /pools will only allow one pieces for the girls.

ldontWanna · 23/02/2022 18:25

@SuperSocks

How about she goes to school in her swimming costume that day, with her uniform over the top, and for afterwards you could get her a long sleeved towelling robe? That's what I do when I take my young charges swimming as it wouldn't be appropriate for me to strip off in front of them. You can completely get changed inside the robe (much easier if no bra yet!) and no-one will see a thing.

How is she supposed to go to the toilet as swimming is normally in the afternoon?

ldontWanna · 23/02/2022 18:24

Ring the school/talk to the teacher and find out exactly what the set up is. I've been going swimming with schools to various pools and they all have different set ups.

One had specific school changing rooms which were big rooms, with no cubicles and two showers at the back. The kids that wanted or needed privacy got changed behind the walls.

One was a small pool , so despite kids using the public changing facilities, there were only 4/5 cubicles available.

One had a mix of both and depending on how many schools they had coming it was pot luck which changing room you'd get regardless of sex and age.

The current one is a massive one not separated by sex ,all cubicles including lots of family ones. Most schools split the kids(boys/girls) between the big family cubicles which are all in the same area.

Once you figure out what the set up is, you can decide if it's an issue of available facilities/supervising staff , unwillingness or boys get cubicles as a behaviour managing tool and girls have to suck it up because they're well behaved.

skgnome · 23/02/2022 18:23

By all means talk to school, but my guess would be logistical rather than anything else
Two piece swimsuit under the uniform and a towelling poncho for after could solve the issue

strawberryapricotpie · 23/02/2022 18:21

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I think you should help your daughter work out what her issues are about changing in front of other girls... are you ever naked in front of each other at home? Or do you more formal?

That's beside the point imho. I'd say it was fairly common by the age of 8/9 not to want to be naked in front of other people, and her feelings should be respected. Calling them 'issues' is a bit pathologising if you ask me. And not all families are comfortable naked around each other. That shouldn't be considered an 'issue' either.

SuperSocks · 23/02/2022 18:20

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 23/02/2022 18:14

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

I think you should help your daughter work out what her issues are about changing in front of other girls... are you ever naked in front of each other at home? Or do you more formal?

I'm naked in front of my DD when getting dressed or when she comes in when I have a shower/bath. She's still uncomfortable with nudity in front of her friends/ teachers/ strangers.

I think that's reasonable, we and nursery and then school have all told her that her private parts are private, follow the PANTS rule etc, it's not wrong for her to want her privacy.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/02/2022 18:11

I think you should help your daughter work out what her issues are about changing in front of other girls... are you ever naked in front of each other at home? Or do you more formal?

Midlifemusings · 23/02/2022 18:08

The teachers / volunteer parents may be female and so they have the boys in the cubicles so they can still communicate with them and move them along without standing in a room of naked boys. Likely if it is was a male teacher - then the girls would be in cubicles

Etolie · 23/02/2022 18:08

Could you sew up the edges of a large towel and put some elastic or a cord in the top?She could put it over her head,her hands would then be free to change under it.
Sorry not explained it very well.

mum11970 · 23/02/2022 18:06

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Maybe they like to keep an eye on the girls (as they should the boys) incase a member of the public shuts themselves in with a girl unnoticed..

Any particular reason why you think girls are more at risk from the general public than boys?

Simonjt · 23/02/2022 18:03

At my sons school (well the leisure centre), the boys change in cubicles and the girls in a communal room. There aren’t any male teachers to supervise, so the boys cannot be shut in a communal room, whereas the cubicles have an open top so the teacher can talk to the boys, hear any issues etc while they change.

mum11970 · 23/02/2022 18:03

As pp said the boys will probably be using cubicles as there isn’t a male member of staff there to supervise.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 23/02/2022 18:03

Can she do the trick where you take your knickers off after you’ve put your swim suit on? If she can’t I would show her. That might make her feel a bit better. Or one of those poncho towels.

You could ask the school what the reasons are behind it. It could be as simple as the teachers being female and so can’t be around the boys changing so they have to have the cubicles and theres not enough for everyone.

The difficulty is, why should your dd get to use one, but not any of the other girls? It could just create a lot of issues, which I expect the teachers are keen to avoid.

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