To be considering leaving my depressed husband?

Hi, I saw this post and it really resonated with me. Do you mind if I drop you a message to speak about it? I’m looking for some advice. I was depressed and really did a number on our marriage and I’m desperately trying to fix it now that I’m out the other side of depression, but I’m at a complete loss.

Has he been diagnosed with depression @HalterBeck?

Or is just what he’s like?

In any event, this is a horrible environment for you and your DCs and leaving seems sensible to me

[quote GoldenBlue]@CallMeDaddy58 that isn't how I heard it.

I also felt that was your view coming across guilt tripping the OP to stay because he may now finally agree to attend a GP appointment that he's resisted in the past.

I think the OP needs support that what ever next steps she feels are necessary are allowed and acceptable for her. No one has to stay because they feel guilty[/quote]
It’s not a guilt trip at all. No one should stay with anyone out of guilt. I stand to gain absolutely nothing by OP staying with her DH out of guilt.

If you come on a forum asking AIBU then clearly you want opinions. If you argue with anyone who says “yes, I think YABU” then don't bother asking the question.

If OP wants to leave DH because she feels he’s treating her badly then she should leave.

If she wants to leave because he’s moody & negative due to depression but is now getting help for it then that’s not a great reason to leave…again IMO.

I wouldn’t leave my husband if he lost his job, became long term physically ill/injured, was grieving a loss etc. All things that would create a negative atmosphere in the home. I’d accept that life and marriage has challenges & that’s what being with someone across the span of a lifetime entails. As long as those challenges have an end insight & aren’t insurmountable you ride the wave.

I said several times if he doesn’t follow through with getting help that’s another story, but asking someone to get help, actually making the appointment for them when they agree to get help and then leaving them before that help is given seems cruel. That’s my opinion. If she wanted a hand hold she should have asked for that instead of AIBU.

From what you say, he sounds like a selfish twat who happens to have depression. You need to reframe - you’re leaving him because he’s selfish and abusive not because he has depression.
You only have one life - go!

Depression does not make you a nasty, selfish, snarky boor. He's abusive.

I'd leave him and set about making yourself and your dc happy. You can't fix your h.

@CallMeDaddy58 that isn't how I heard it.

I also felt that was your view coming across guilt tripping the OP to stay because he may now finally agree to attend a GP appointment that he's resisted in the past.

I think the OP needs support that what ever next steps she feels are necessary are allowed and acceptable for her. No one has to stay because they feel guilty

OP, in your position I would have a timeframe in my head for when things have to have either significantly improved or you leave. Maybe 6 months?

I would have an open and frank conversation with your DH about him getting help and then leave it to him. I’d offer help if requested, but he has to take the first steps himself. If after the 6months, he hasn’t engaged with therapy, medication or improved lifestyle I would leave. Give him the opportunity to be a good husband and father by working in his own mental health. If he won’t make the effort I don’t see why you should.

So why is now the breaking point? He’s finally doing what he needs to do and you think now is the best time to leave? It just seems a very odd logic.

If he’s said cruel things to you and that’s why you want to leave, then do it. That’s a separate issue and feels like your trying to ‘justify’ leaving because of his depression. If you want to leave because he’s treating you badly that’s an entirely different discussion and your thread should be titled differently.

Its too easy to say ‘oh poor him, he is ill. It’s not his fault’.
But he has been making the OP miserable for months if not years and has refused to take any responsibility for it so far.
Nope, much better to carry on putting the OP down etc…

Tbh I have no time for people who refuse to seek help when they are unwell.
I’m not even asking them to go the conventional route. But to do something , anything that will help them, that will show they are taking responsibility for themselves.

Instead we have a man who is getting worse and worse and is only saying he is going to see the GP when the OP is reaching her limits and she is ready to leave. For me that says it all.

@HalterBeck
the bottom line is that he has destroyed what you had together with his behaviour. To be able to crawl out of that hole and make things better, or better than they were, it would mean that somehow some of the love and respect and trust hasn’t been damaged by is behaviour. Do you think it’s the case? Because just now, from you are posting, I don’t feel it’s the cae.

So he could self refer to therapists help using online mental health services but isn’t interested in talking.

Isn’t interested in doing anything.

Isn’t interested in his relationship with you or children.

Isn’t interested in speaking to a gp but ‘might’ go now you’ve done all the leg work and might/might not take medication. That might/might not stop him being an absolute arsehole.

He’s an arsehole depressed or not. Sounds like you’ve had years of this.

Are you willing for your child to grow up with this mood hoover in the house. Are you staying because of what happened with your mum and you feel responsible to fix him? Please talk to a therapist yourself and dig into this.

You can lead a horse to water and all that… but how much longer do you want to try flogging a dead donkey. You’ll still be in this situation when you are both retired and home alone. Fancy that?

Decide on your boundaries and limits and enforce them. After all why should he change if you keep putting up with his behaviour.

Is your dh in employment in his condition? If so, how does he hold down a job but cannot seem to get with domestic life.

Living with someone who is severely depressed can be awful and demoralising, because their energy is not only low but seems to suck all of yours dry as well. The person is not likely to be emotionally available and may be flat, numb and even self-destructive. Abusive behaviour is not a symptom of depression but a depressed person may well also be an abusive one, just as anyone else can be, and that’s an adaptation of personality. I’m getting from your posts that he’s not invested in improving his situation, taking responsibility or seeing how his behaviour is affecting you and the children. It’s not the depression, is it? It’s the sulking, anger, belittling and tuning out that are deal breakers for you. His mental health may well be poor but he is also conflating it with bad behaviour. Has he actually tried talking therapies? Counselling for depression has a good evidence base, for example. Medication helps some people to raise their mood sufficiently to benefit from other approaches such as talking therapies, activities, other improvements. Your pointing out to him the impact of his moods and behaviour is not ‘making it all about you’. His refusal to help himself or allow you to help him is making it all about him. I do get how depression feels. I suffered from what was almost certainly a depressive period in my late teens. It left me numb, unable to function, unable to focus, with a crushing weight descending every day as soon as I woke up. I couldn’t find the energy to wash or dress properly and ate to try and fill the void. It’s a truly horrible condition and I think my description of its impact isn’t uncommon. Is your partner still able to enjoy things he did previously? Can he prioritise things other than family? If so, I’d be considering other mental health issues as well.

i left someone who had depression. I was impacting on my life, i was miserable and unhappy. Life is too short. would i go there again? no. no chance.

live. Don't just exist.

Seems like mental health
Is used as an excuse for
Bad behaviour now

The fact that it was the OP that had to book the appointment and previous refusal to get help and accept therapy leads me to doubt the husband will active seek to improve his mental health.

All the guilt trips about wanting to leave are awful. We don't have to stay with d**k heads just because they are depressed. Even with depression you are responsible and accountable for your own behaviour.

This is just more 'be kind' asking women to put aside their own wants and needs because poor men can't help themselves

Tell him he needs to try to get better for the kids sake. It must be totally awful as a child to put up with a bad atmosphere. It isn’t the kids fault and they should not be subjected to his moods, whether caused by depression or something else.
Of course see if the GP can help but I wouldn’t put my kids through this long term.

Honestly OP don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not staying with him because of his MH or become guilty for men not talking about their MH. You may have married your mother if your mother had MH problems. I know I married my father. You don't deserve mistreatment. If my MH spiralled and I mistreated my imaginary amazing husband then I'd be mortified and I'd do anything to get help and try all of the help offered so I didnt mistreat my imaginary amazing husband.l again.

Medication might be really helpful in this instance, but if he’s ambivalent to therapy in general then it might be time for a ‘state of the union’ talk where you lay out how much it’s affecting you. It surprising how oblivious partners can be about that in the fog of depression.

@GoldenBlue Your last paragraph is key though…”living with a parent with uncontrolled and untreated mental health issues”…the DH here is seeking help and OP doesn’t even want to wait and see if this help will be effective for him.

My parents divorced when I was 5. It was 100% the right choice. They were both utterly miserable. However it was their marriage that made them miserable. Unless the DH is depressed because of his marital situation then a divorce isn’t going to magic away the depression. The children will still be growing up with a parent who is mentally ill.