Partner unhappy with botox & more

Very controlling. I'd just crack on and do it, she probably won't even notice, and think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

I’ve never used that expression and don’t know how to respond when someone says it to me. I just smile and move the conversation on.

Read all the threads from women over 50 and how unemployable they have become and tell me no one cares

Obviously your choice, but I disagree with pps about her being controlling. I really don't like the pressure to look younger/prettier/more polished than is natural. Botox, surgery etc all make me feel uncomfortable, so I think I would feel upset if someone I was in a relationship with wanted to do these things. With a friend I wouldn't care, you can just avoid talking about it, in fact I do have friends who've had various procedures.

To me, this is fundamental to how I view ageing. It can feel like a person who has procedures to avoid looking their age is casting a judgement on people who don't do that and age naturally. In a long term relationship you'd be ageing with that person, so I can understand they could feel unhappy and insecure if they felt their natural ageing wasn't good enough for you.

Not sure if that makes sense? I'm not questioning your right to decide for yourself, or saying that my view is the right one, just trying to explain why someone could feel upset about it without it being a big red flag showing they're manipulative, controlling, etc. They might just be upset that values they thought you had in common turn out to be different. So if you want a future together you'd need to work through those feelings and come to some compromise.

She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.

As manipulative as it is hypocritical and pointless. You won't change the way you feel about your looks by bowing to her emotional blackmail, so what's she really attracted to?

The fillers I am getting are just a wee bit under my eyes - that areas is sunken and dark, concealer covers the colour but the fillers will just even the surface out. Tiny bit of Botox at the side of my eyes.

She cried a lot and said she’s only attracted to people who aren’t self conscious about their looks.

What a beacon of unselfish care for you OP ... CRIED? Fucksake I'd sack her off for the pointless melodrama, let alone anything else.
Also stupidity. Saying "self conscious about looks" is the surest way to make anybody start feeling .. .self conscious!

I don't agree with botox either.
But it's none of my beeswax what you or anyone else wants to inject into their forehead. I wouldn't have the gall to even comment in real life, let alone shame or control anyone about it - it's their own choice.

As your partner has seen fit to issue an ultimatum also how can someone who Loves me threaten you leave me if I get it done. frankly I'd take her up on it. Pre-empt it even, dump her for the ultimatum, if not the botox row.
Or what's next? "If you wear those trousers, I will leave you." "If you don't do the washing up I will leave you".

Fuck that noise.
You do you, OP - if these small cosmetic enhancements are going to make you feel good about yourself, you bloody well go for it.

Sorry your partner was such an arse to you. Hope you kick her to the kerb. She sounds like a controlling nightmare.

Maybe she's crying as she feels bad for you that you feel the need to have it? Perhaps in her head that signals self hatred as she sees changing your appearance as an extreme thing.

Not to excuse it, but just wondering if there is a different angle here. When I'm really hormonal I can get super empathetic and sometimes get upset for people to a heightened degree. Tends to be about stuff like their family member dying though, not them wanting teeth whitening ;)

While atm I don't think botox or surgery is for me, I can't say for certain that if I do start getting wrinklier I wouldn't consider it. I don't think it's good for women to be pressured into having it, but I don't demonise the women who do.

You should get it if you want to - and if she isn't attracted to you, then she can leave. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone so superficial that a minor cosmetic procedure would force them to stop being attracted to me, or that my desire to have it was considered unattractive. Does she similarly have an issue with women on the hormonal pill (that isn't natural)? Or women who wear make up? Or women who gym regularly to change their body composition? What are the boundaries of natural and why should someone else get to decide it for you? What about hair removal?

Of course, she can find whatever she wants unattractive, but if she is willing to dump you over it, or threaten to (when she hasn't even seen the end result), that doesn't make her a particularly reliable partner. If you were in a terrible disfiguring accident and wanted to have cosmetic surgery to improve it - would she kick off because she thought your natural look was fine? Point being, it's your body, it's your money and it's your choice. Her crying over it shows some psychological issue with how she associates botox with personality - and that's her problem, not yours.

Exact same thing happened to me! I was really excited about getting fillers and Botox, I'd booked in with a female GP who has set up her own aesthetics clinic. I'm 46 and had never considered it until I saw the GP at the consultation and her face looked amazing up close. I only told DH in case I had bruising and he was so cross. It was so disappointing, and I was annoyed with myself for bowing down. Anyway, I cancelled it but have rebooked and won't tell him, I'll just use concealer to cover any bruising.

Do you need Botox in your 30s? If I was your partner I would be worrying that perhaps you were going for a look that I don’t find attractive. You can tell when people have Botox, even if it’s done well and some people won’t find that attractive. It’s a bit like if a partner becomes very overweight. It does seem very superficial to care but you can’t really control if you’re not attracted to them anymore

I love that your original concern was her feelings but now we've agreed she's being daft you just want advice on how to go about it

I'm incredibly lucky - I look young for my age...

But, I went into a salon the other day to see about something for under eye area which has always been the bane of my life - it's not fillers but something else and the manager said he'd had his done but not all of it.

I'm against plastic surgery and Botox for me generally and I can generally tell fillers etc - but it's up to them. I think it's a bit sad that for lots of younger people they seem to think there's a generic look they should aim for (pouty lips, sharp cheekbones, amazingly full, long eyelashes, smooth forehead) rather than just be themselves.

'She cried a lot': I don't think I'd want to be with someone so blatantly manipulative.

I had an ex who wouldn’t hear of me having highlights. Once we split, I realised how controlling he was in other ways too.

The invisalign - totally up to the person - what's wrong re straightening teeth?

I wouldn't want my partner telling me what to do but would take their views on board but then they're crying about it, that would put me off them to be honest. No need to make a drama out of it and would wonder what else they'd create a drama out of.

Do it!

Sounds like she is insecure or low key controlling.

It's not like you are really altering your appearance much.. it's just a little botox. And teeth whitening?! Come on now, everyone does it and it looks 100 x better.

My partner has never given any indication of being self conscious about appearance stuff, so I'd be quite alarmed if they suddenly said they wanted botox.

It would be their decision, but it would worry me that it was a substantial shift in the sort of person they had held themselves out to be, and that it would lead to an expectation that I needed to be more fussed about my own appearance - I would never in a million years get botox or teeth whitening

Its like anything to do with physical appearance, weight gain, hair cuts etc we have the right to do as we please with our appearance, and our partners have the right not to be attracted to us if we do. Procedures are controversial, and a lot of women feel strongly against them as a point of principle. Personally I feel very strongly that I want to have them, and I would have to risk any repercussions to my relationship. But only you can decide for you. And sadly, no, there is nothing comes close to botox. Though silicon patches to wear when you sleep are useful to prevent worsening of lines and give a temporary smoothing effect. LED devices help a bit too.

I've had my teeth whitened. No regrets it was great and lasted years! It has a top up with strips now occasionally. It was v cost effective actually!

Not enough Botox in the world to improve me.