Partner unhappy with botox & more

My husband said all this stuff, I did it anyway and he never even noticed. Every time he says I look nice and natural I’m like MMHHHMMMM? Also used Invisalign and teeth whitening, ha.

To be honest she sounds like the insecure one, not wanting to let you work on yourself! I wonder if she’s actually scared of you becoming more attractive to others…

Anyone who insists they can ALWAYS tell because you get the spoon with hair look totally accidentally after one or two normal doses is just showing that they know nothing about it.

They're right that it doesn't make you look younger, but it's not supposed to. It makes you look less lined and less tired. It doesn't freeze your face unless you intentionally have enough to make that happen. (Some people like that look, just as some people like big glasses with fringes.) I remember my first time thinking it hadn't worked because I could still frown, scowl and knit my brow. Not quite as much as before, but still demonstrably.

I'm told some people develop lines on their noses as a result. Well, it won't suit everyone. Hasn't happened to me.

It's a piddling little procedure that takes far less time and money than a cut and colour every two months.

Your partner is upset because this has changed the way she sees you.

Botox is a really nasty poison that was developed using some very cruel procedures on animals. It has occasionally killed people and most people who have it don’t look as good as they think they do. I feel sorry for people who are so insecure/vain that they inject themselves with poison. People above are comparing it to a hair cut. That’s ridiculous. Botox is poison.

If my partner wanted to use it I would lose a lot of respect for him, in the same way as if he’d suddenly expressed an interest in fox-hunting, or started picking his noise and eating it. Your partner is crying, not because she’s manipulative, but because she’s shocked to find you on such a different page from her on this.

@TatianaBis are you certain that you know the difference between Botox and fillers? I guarantee most of the people you think look bad are people who have had unwise filler. Filler paralyses the muscles over time and can contribute to drooping of parts of the face, and for some reason people (like the cast of friends), get their nasolabial lines over-filled which gives them a muzzle instead of a human face - I agree that that looks bad but it’s not Botox it’s fillers - which should be used with caution!

I had botox once and my DH didn't even notice. Maybe just do it anyway and see if they notice!!

My mum’s neighbour gets botox treatment at her dentist for a muscle spasm/twitchy eye. She’s over 80. No one and I repeat, No one would be able to tell.

I also laugh at people who have never had any Botox with really strong opinions about what it makes you look like based on a few celebrities who are completely over done and have had way more invasive treatments than Botox (e.g bad face lifts). Maybe accept that you don’t know everything and that’s ok!

Plenty of my friends just get Botox and don’t tell their partners. Some people have a very unrealistic/hysterical idea of what Botox will do - I’ve had Botox since I was 23 and no one has ever noticed - have had family members go on about how frozen people look as I nod and agree, with my face full of subtle Botox that they can’t even spot 🤣. Botox is amazing, you should just get it. Whitening my teeth was the single greatest thing I ever did behind Botox - it is absolutely worth it as well.

Tell her your body your choice and you hope she can support you but at the end of the day it’s not up to her.

@HunterHearstHelmsley

I've had Botox for droopy eyes which also covers the crow feet area several times without any problems. The last time (same clinic, same doctor, same product) I got a massive black eye. Only on one side, the other side wasn't a problem so I think it was just bad luck. I'm going again next week and I'll mention it to her and hope it doesn't happen again. Obviously if it does I will have to learn to live with droopy eyes. Hopefully it was just a one-off for you too.

Just get it done without telling her Botox anyway my partner's never noticed I can raise my eyebrows it just smooths out the forehead wrinkles .

Faux what now?

Op talked to her partner about it.

I want to have this. It'll really help my confidence.

By 'take heed' do you mean 'not proceed to have a minor procedure carried out on my body that I feel will really help me psychologically without my partner's consent?'

If I had something about myself that made me feel like shit and there was a small cosmetic procedure that I felt would help it and therefore make me feel better would I not have it done because my partner's views on 'being natural' were more important than how I felt about myself?

Would I fuck.

And I wouldn't be happy in a relationship where a partner tried to take control of those decisions from me and would prefer me less happy than I felt I could be.

She wouldn’t even notice anyway I can guarantee it. You don’t have one round of Botox and walk out like Pete Burns.

No one ever has 'just one round'. It looks bad in your 30s - by the time you're in your 60s it looks pretty horrendous.

This is so typical of the completely faux "individualist" attitude on here. Not in a million years would anyone genuinely take a decision like this with absolutely no heed for what a partner might say or think.

Can 100% confirm that I do not defer to my other half about what I do to my face, hair or teeth.
I might say “going to get my hair done at the weekend” but it would be from the perspective of telling him in conversation- not as an invitation to comment…

I would find it weird to feel like these things must be discussed with our partners?

If I was gonna get a full face tattoo I might mention it, but a bit of Botox in my 11s? No, why would I? What possible difference could it make to him?

Your partner doesn’t like Botox or teeth whitening?

Well, best THEY don’t get Botox or teeth whitened then isn’t it.

You can do whatever you please with your face and your body.
A bit of Botox and some cosmetic dentistry does not make you vain or superficial or any of the other bullshit that insecure people like to project in these conversations.

Who made the decision that cutting or staying our hair and buying a nice outfit which makes us feel good is acceptable but using fully trialled, approved, safe procedures to soften or disguise wrinkles makes you a self absorbed moron? Such a load of shite.

She may not like Botox but she doesn’t have to have it.

She wouldn’t even notice anyway I can guarantee it. You don’t have one round of Botox and walk out like Pete Burns.

She’s your partner not your gatekeeper, she’s perfectly entitled to have a preference but crying over a hypothetical discussion is concerning. Sounds highly emotional or manipulative. I’m sure you know which one it is.

but routine cosmetic stuff?

See, it might be this. Some people see things like teeth whitening and botox as normal or routine cosmetic stuff... Some people find it abnormal in their world. I know only one woman in my family who has had Botox or whitening. None of my friends have, or if they have then they haven't admitted to it. It's not something I would consider routine or common among my circle. This could be why she's overreacting also.

I don't necessarily judge people who get Botox, though it's no coincidence that I've surrounded myself by friends who wouldn't dream of it.

Crying a lot seems like an overreaction, but I'd find it difficult to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't accept natural signs of aging or who chose to spend that much money on something so superficial. It's a question of what your values and priorities are.

I don't think her crying is manipulative. She was probably genuinely upset. Also her telling you she isn't attracted to people who are self-conscious about their looks might also just be true. She likes people to age naturally. Telling you that you may lose her if you go through with this isn't manipulative if it's true, she is just telling you how it will be and then it's up to you to decide whether you want to still get it done. Quite simple. It's your choice, she is just telling you that as it's a relationship it will effect her desire. I really don't think that's abnormal. Also, it does sound like you are self-conscious about the forehead and the teeth, otherwise why would you want to do anything to them?

It's your choice, but it's not unreasonable for her to tell you that it will change the relationship.

I find really muscly men unattractive, so if my partner announced he was thinking of body-building, I would of course tell him he is free to do so but I would find him less attractive. That is then a risk he can take knowingly, whether the relationship or body-building is more important to him.

OR -- she is worried that if you become more stereotypically attractive, you will find someone more attractive than her to be with and she will lose you. She likes you as you are and feels if you make yourself "better" you will be too good for her.

Either are possible.

I would be very wary of someone who was so inclined to an over reaction about what you might want to do with your body.

I am married nearly 30 years and it simply wouldn't occur to me to discuss teeth whitening or botox with my husband.

Surgery like a face lift would be different, but routine cosmetic stuff? Definitely not.

As for the “it’s so obvious” trope I can tell you for sure my XH had no idea that I’d had Botox and thread lifts.

After 10 years of having this done I told him one day after a few drinks. He was so shocked he fell off the barstool

Really?

This is so typical of the completely faux "individualist" attitude on here. Not in a million years would anyone genuinely take a decision like this with absolutely no heed for what a partner might say or think.

We're members of society, partners in relationships, halves of pairs. I hate this trope on MN that casts us all as complete masters of our own lives and deeds.

It’s true that if people start in their 30s it’s not so noticeable - but by their 50s it’s obvious, they start to need more, and that’s when it starts to look really offputting

This is bollocks. You need less not more as you get older