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Original poster

Advice on an 18 year old nightmare son

81 replies

Kinggy · 03/01/2022 15:54

Hello, I have put this in AIBU as I know it gets most responses. Sorry. I feel desperate and need advice.

My eldest is 18 in full time education with an EHCP for a language disorder, ADD and dyslexia. He finishes college in July 22. Currently my husband and I pay for everything because he can't have a job as he is a resident at a college located miles away from anything. He is a resident for the rest of the families benefit.

He has always been extremely difficult to live with. Massive melt downs, he is aggressive and violent. It has been so traumatic raising him. He hits his younger siblings and his father. He breaks a lot of things. His attitude and language stinks. We have called 999 before and I have personally called social services for help. Nothing happened. Every school and college have also been told but they too say that there is no help available.

This has been going on for years. During lockdown I was so depressed living with him, I was suicidal. I would drive around for hours to be away from him and would dream of driving into walls at speed. He locked me in rooms and called me and his siblings and dad all sorts of names. This Christmas Eve I took a knife to my wrist in dispare and desparation. Small cuts but nothing terrible: a cry for help.

I've gone to my GP numerous times over the years but we were turned down by CAMHS twice. The GP just says call the police.

After college, he most likely won't get PIP as he would pass any interview, but is also not likely to get a job paying very much either. He won't be able to leave home any time soon.

I have strict rules at home from the basics of clearing up after yourself or walking the dog etc. To major ones such as no smashing doors, kicking siblings etc. He just ignores them and then makes some excuse as to why it happened. Or he calls me names and says I am mean and horrible. He always blames other people.

I am dreading him coming home after his education. I have suggested to his dad that we get a divorce and he keeps our eldest; just so I can get away from him. I think we would fight over who would NOT have him.

I want him to leave, but know he has nowhere to go. His attitude is getting worse, not better. Even after the police came and spoke to him, he just was angry and said we were dreadful parents for calling 999 on him.

We paid for psychiatric counselling but this just seemed to validate his feelings and he became far far worse. Clearly the counsellor only heard his story. I know it is a journey, but I stopped paying for counselling.

His siblings hate him and love him. They would never forgive me for kicking him out as they know that his learning needs are not his fault and much of his behaviour is directly connected to that. Yet they hate his behaviour too. My daughter just stays in her room when he is home.

I can't win and I don't know what to do. I really need advice and guidance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kinggy · 03/01/2022 16:15

I really don't think he has a drugs problem but do think that he has undiagnosed mental health problems. They have come from years of having to be in an educational system where anyone with learning needs is seen as failing and a problem to be dealt with. I think living close by to us so we can help with all the paperwork and organisation required in life would be ideal. He hates being at home too. He loves being a resident. He can have sex and go to the pub etc. When he is home, no girls are allowed over and I limit how drunk he can get.

OP posts:
UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 03/01/2022 16:13

It seems clear that the best solution is to support him to live independently. Is there any way you can manage that?

If you're in a fortune financial position (perhaps you are if you're currently paying private boarding school fees?) could you buy a small flat - keep it in your name so you don't feel you've given him a flat and treated his siblings unfairly and also so he can't sell it, blow the money and still end up moving back in with you - and rent it to him ata nominal rent, or let him live there rent free.

Obviously paying his rent for him is another option without buying.

Even better would be accessing an actual supported living facility with individual flats/ units or small groups, but that relies on him being willing to consider that arrangement and on a facility being available for his specific needs, which may well be unlikely unless he has further diagnoses not already mentioned, and especially if he'd be unlikely to qualify for financial support/ disability benefits.

Original poster
Kinggy · 03/01/2022 16:10

So there is supported living even if the person is not registered as disabled? He used to be registered as disabled, but when he reached 16 and needed to have an interview to get PIP, we didn't apply. Not only was it because we didn't think he would 'pass' but also he doesn't like being seen as disabled. He is 'normal' in all ways except for anything academic. This has led to him having huge anger issues.

OP posts:
LunaTheCat · 03/01/2022 16:10

Oh lovely that sounds dreadful 💐
You have been so kind and helpful to him
There are a few things which cross my mind

  • illicit drugs - may explain some of his behaviour
  • lots screen time
  • lots access to porn
  • personality disorder
  • undiagnosed mental health condition
He is actually not a boy now - he is a man. Sadly there may be little you can do - he is an adult BUT you must look after yourself. He is abusive to you and the rest of the family. I have serious concerns for your safety. I think you need to prioritise the other children and keeping them and you safe. He needs to take responsibility for himself - if that means the police are involved so be it.
Alpenguin · 03/01/2022 16:03

Can you not arrange for him to transfer to supported accommodation after college? They should have some kind of transitional arrangement in place and would likely know the best places that would give him the independence he needs alongside the support he needs too.

Don’t dismiss the PIP thing. You’ll have enough evidence from his educational needs and his behaviours etc to show that he needs the additional support. It can’t hurt to give it a go instead of dismissing outright. This would also mean he could access more tailored support.

You have not choice. Contact social services now while he’s still away to see if they can support him to live somewhat independently.

Sparklesocks · 03/01/2022 16:01

Oh goodness that sounds very difficult and it’s clear you’re at the end of your tether.
I’m sorry I don’t have much to offer in terms of practical advice, but would his college help refer him to a training/job scheme or similar after his education which understand his needs? I know that doesn’t solve everything but at least a step in the right direction. Has he spoken about work he might like to do after college?