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Original poster

Advice on an 18 year old nightmare son

81 replies

Kinggy · 03/01/2022 15:54

Hello, I have put this in AIBU as I know it gets most responses. Sorry. I feel desperate and need advice.

My eldest is 18 in full time education with an EHCP for a language disorder, ADD and dyslexia. He finishes college in July 22. Currently my husband and I pay for everything because he can't have a job as he is a resident at a college located miles away from anything. He is a resident for the rest of the families benefit.

He has always been extremely difficult to live with. Massive melt downs, he is aggressive and violent. It has been so traumatic raising him. He hits his younger siblings and his father. He breaks a lot of things. His attitude and language stinks. We have called 999 before and I have personally called social services for help. Nothing happened. Every school and college have also been told but they too say that there is no help available.

This has been going on for years. During lockdown I was so depressed living with him, I was suicidal. I would drive around for hours to be away from him and would dream of driving into walls at speed. He locked me in rooms and called me and his siblings and dad all sorts of names. This Christmas Eve I took a knife to my wrist in dispare and desparation. Small cuts but nothing terrible: a cry for help.

I've gone to my GP numerous times over the years but we were turned down by CAMHS twice. The GP just says call the police.

After college, he most likely won't get PIP as he would pass any interview, but is also not likely to get a job paying very much either. He won't be able to leave home any time soon.

I have strict rules at home from the basics of clearing up after yourself or walking the dog etc. To major ones such as no smashing doors, kicking siblings etc. He just ignores them and then makes some excuse as to why it happened. Or he calls me names and says I am mean and horrible. He always blames other people.

I am dreading him coming home after his education. I have suggested to his dad that we get a divorce and he keeps our eldest; just so I can get away from him. I think we would fight over who would NOT have him.

I want him to leave, but know he has nowhere to go. His attitude is getting worse, not better. Even after the police came and spoke to him, he just was angry and said we were dreadful parents for calling 999 on him.

We paid for psychiatric counselling but this just seemed to validate his feelings and he became far far worse. Clearly the counsellor only heard his story. I know it is a journey, but I stopped paying for counselling.

His siblings hate him and love him. They would never forgive me for kicking him out as they know that his learning needs are not his fault and much of his behaviour is directly connected to that. Yet they hate his behaviour too. My daughter just stays in her room when he is home.

I can't win and I don't know what to do. I really need advice and guidance.

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 03/01/2022 22:06

im sorry OP but you need to not let him go home to your house.

One way or another he needs to find alternative accomodation. as for you doing his work for him, you are not helping him at all. You are slightly enabling him (sorry)!

sorry to be blunt its so easy for an outsider to say this. But you need to protect your other children and yourself/husband

Original poster
Kinggy · 03/01/2022 20:58

Your post makes me feel very sorry for your son - you don't like him and treat him differently to your other children. He must feel.so rejected and does not have the maturity to deal with this. It is not his fault he has multiple learning disabilities. And as the eldest he must feel like a complete failure. Why will you not get him a new phone? because of an argument? that seems petty. you've said you will support your other children financially in higher education, why not him? you've been given lots of advice on practical ways to help with his future - but do you love him? sounds like you don't, and he will know this.

DannyWotty and AbsentMindedWoman - you have hit the nail square on and that is what I feel dreadfully guilty about. This situation has evolved over many many years, where I have struggled and struggled as a mother and asked so many times from so many places for help as I knew I wasn't coping, so much so I am suicidal over it all. And the guilt is horrific.

He isn't treated differently, the rules for all my children are the same. If any of my children break something in a fit of rage or swear, they are sent to their room. The difference is, that has happened daily with my eldest and about once a month for one other child and never for the other child. Once they are sent to their rooms they calm down, but my eldest doesn't. He smears stuff on walls and windows and smashes TVs and remotes etc.

I know that you are both right in that he feels unwanted and rejected. It is a very difficult situation and one that I have seen coming for many years and why I have asked for help from the schools etc.

His residency is paid for by us at over £6k a year - we have taken out a £15k loan to pay for it and I went back to full time work in order to pay for it. We don't get his residency paid for.

He emails me his course work and I take time off work to research and rewrite it. I email it back.

But the situation now is what the family are facing. It is an ever decreasing circles situation. He is extremely rude, he gets told off (by me or his dad), he kicks off and swears at us and bangs doors, he is told off again, the then breaks the doors and kicks his siblings me or his dad (I add I have been put into hospital once by his outbursts and his brother twice, I spent 23rd December in hospital A&E with his younger sibling who is still in a sling).

So over the years we have spiralled into where we are. His learning needs are not his fault, nor are they mine, my husbands or my other children's. We are ALL suffering from his learning needs, not just him. I used to think it was my fault that I wasn't coping, right up until when my husband started to spend a lot more time at home about 3-4 years ago. I then realised that even my husband couldn't cope with our eldest son.

He didn't get a new phone because he is an adult and as we don't buy it outright, we pay for it as part of a contract, so I would be still paying for it when he is 20 - I won't be doing this for any of my children not just him. However, his behaviour has meant that he didn't help his cause to get a new phone either.

I will support my other younger children in higher education because they are academically capable. He isn't. He wasn't capable to do a Level 2 or his GCSEs. I supported him so far both academically and financially. I have decided not to support him any further, but quite frankly should not have supported him to the degree I have because we have been cheating.

You ask a really pertinent question, do I love him? I am so confused, depressed, sad and angry at the daily onslaught of his aggression, that I am not sure. I don't know. All my emotions are swirled up in a mess.

But I do know that the financial and academic and organisation support I have given him is far greater than any other parent I know. I spend hours helping him on a weekly basis. Is this love? Duty? Is that enough?

If/when he comes back to live with us after his education, the situation won't get better. I really fear that I will lose my other children because they can't cope with their older brother. My youngest child cried when she realised that her eldest brother was coming home for Christmas. We have even stopped having family holidays because it is a waste of money, as our eldest's behaviour is so problematic that holidays are ruined.

OP posts:
Babyghirl · 03/01/2022 20:20

@Kinggy
Sorry your going through this op, but being ADD or anything else is no excuse for his behaviour, he's an adult now as should be held responsible for his actions, you need to think of your own health aswell or you will run yourself in to the ground.

Contact a social worker and hopefully they can get you help for independent living accommodation,wish you all the best going forward 💐

Funnylittlefloozie · 03/01/2022 19:54

The college will probably have a good idea that someone else did his coursework- although I don't really understand how you managed it if he's at a residential placement. I worked in specialist adult education for several years , and it was quite obvious that many men we saw had had all their academic work completed by someone else. We once had a man who had certificates at GCSE-level study, but who couldn't actually read!

I think your best bet is to tell the college that he cannot come home. He is violent towards his parents and siblings, and you have a duty of care towards your other children.

Lovemusic33 · 03/01/2022 19:52

Surely if he has a EHCP he can remain in education until 25?

Also at 18 you can refuse to have him live with you, a placement, supported living and/or housing would have to be found for him. You should be looking at another residential if he is unable to stay where he is?

You don’t have to pay to rent a property for him, he would be entitled to benefits which would cover his rent if he’s unable to work.

AbsentmindedWoman · 03/01/2022 19:41

@DannyWotty1

Your post makes me feel very sorry for your son - you don't like him and treat him differently to your other children. He must feel.so rejected and does not have the maturity to deal with this. It is not his fault he has multiple learning disabilities. And as the eldest he must feel like a complete failure. Why will you not get him a new phone? because of an argument? that seems petty. you've said you will support your other children financially in higher education, why not him? you've been given lots of advice on practical ways to help with his future - but do you love him? sounds like you don't, and he will know this.
This.
Branleuse · 03/01/2022 19:41

He could stay in education till 25 with an ehcp so i would maybe look at other residential placements

Ukholidaysaregreat · 03/01/2022 19:31

OP ignore rude Paul. You have every right to start this thread and get good advice. Good Luck with the situation.

Hugoslavia · 03/01/2022 19:30

What are his interests? Could you try and support them? Could you do anything together centered around them? Do you praise him when he does something good? It sounds like you are in a vicious circle. He's frustrated, gets angry takes it out on the family, which makes you fearful and angry, which then feeds into it. Strong boundaries/rules are important, but imposing these aren't always the best way. Perhaps you could get him to propose/contribute towards a set of rules so that he takes some ownership/responsibility for his behaviour?

Couchbettato · 03/01/2022 19:25

Try changing your perspective a little bit. It might not change the solutions. But it might change how you approach them.

Your job as a parent is to protect your children by any means necessary.

Even if that's against one of your children.

All of your children need to understand this.

You're not their friend, it doesn't matter if they disagree. You're their protector.

You need to tell yourself you can't allow him to hurt your children. Any negative emotion or reaction that comes of this is not your issue. That's the definition of consequence. It's a consequence of his actions.

You may need to evict him, and as an 18 year old he legally has no right to stay in your home without your permission.

You may be willing to find him somewhere else to stay or you may leave it in his hands, but frankly the damage to your relationship is already done and you cannot even think about reparations in the current condition.

You may even find that he changes his mind about applying for PIP once he's no longer got the financial support of bank of mum and dad.

As others have said he may have other undiagnosed conditions but frankly now he's 18 that's his responsibility to chase, and handle if he wants to have healthy relationships with those around him.

All you can do is offer support. But not at the expense of your boundaries.

tara66 · 03/01/2022 19:16

I have son who was certainly not as ''bad'' as yours but with dyslexia, learning difficulties, no father etc. What helped him was sport - especially skiing and foot ball. Consider sending him for 6-12 months to a ski area if you can - a different environment and different people, fresh air and skiing. DS is now very successful indeed (whatever that means). Think outside the box is what I am saying.

hiredandsqueak · 03/01/2022 18:38

@ednclouda With an EHCP the funding would come from the LA for all education and social care needs and from health for any health care needs. The EHCP is a legal document and the provision in it must be made.
OP would probably be better to ask for a finalised EHCP and appeal to SENDIST, apply for Legal Aid in her son's name and secure independent assessments through Legal Aid. Identifying all needs would make identifying provision and placement needed much easier.

Branleuse · 03/01/2022 18:29

Why is everyone saying PIP would turn him down. That isnt necessarily so. My son gets PIP. So does my next door neighbours son.
Neither of us had to appeal it

Branleuse · 03/01/2022 18:28

If he has a diagnosis then you can ask the GP to refer him to psychiatry if he is no longer under paediatricians. The GP cannot prescribe ADD meds, although they can issue repeat prescriptions once a psychiatrist or paed has prescribed and then written to the doctor.

You could tell your son that you wont have him living there as nobody is happy in that scenario and he needs independence but you are happy to help him with appointments and forms etc and provide support but he has to live elsewhere

ednclouda · 03/01/2022 18:24

Am sorry to hear what you’re going through - reading advice you have been given from other posters - where is the support supposed to come from SS ,police ,community, local authority all have no budget for this I know you would like solutions but ……

Branleuse · 03/01/2022 18:24

I think given the complexity of the situation and the risk of aggression and violence and the fact he is currently already in residential accomodation, i would tell the college, him and social services that he cannot come home. They will have to find supported accomodation for him. Dont let them try and talk you round.

LostArcher · 03/01/2022 18:23

Ok so he has a disability so he is entitled to PIP. Yes, they will turn him down after interview but then you apply again and then they capitulate. I really recommend fightback4justice for this. My son got his PIP through their work.

EHCPs last until 25 so he can carry on in college up until that. I would push for a social services assessment. I never considered this but they put in place quite a bit of stuff for my s9n and were instrumental in him driving and working. They have access to things like Employability who are brilliant.

ADD can be medicated but as he is 18 you have no say. You could refuse to have him back after college and the social services will have to house him.

Best of luck. It's horrible. The stress levels are beyond comprehension. My son is really k8nd and gentle but still needed lots of help and adulting.

hiredandsqueak · 03/01/2022 18:20

As your son is over eighteen it will be adult services that will assess now so hopefully you will get a better outcome this time around. If your son doesn't actually want an apprenticeship and would prefer to continue to study then you should ask for another review of the EHCP. Perhaps rather than academic study perhaps he'd prefer to study practical subjects?
This college is one I know of and is residential and offers practical courses as well as independent living skills and has a residential option. Maybe something like this could be an option?

Imitatingdory · 03/01/2022 18:18

If DS wishes to continue to study I would look at specialist colleges that can help with education and independent living skills as well as therapies.

Not all of DS’s work can have been your work. DS must have completed some work at college, and school before that.

You need to take some responsibility for finding out information and support yourself and chasing services. Why didn’t you chase social care? Why didn’t you find out what support is available via the EHCP after college? Why didn’t you look at what provision could be included in an EHCP?

DS can give permission for you to speak to the GP, but the GP can not begin medication, he would need a referral.

madisonbridges have you heard of masking?

Original poster
Kinggy · 03/01/2022 18:16

Regarding medication, no he isn't on anything. Part of his needs is ADD, not ADHD. So he isn't hyperactive, he zones out and can't concentrate and is easily distracted.

I did read in the Guardian a year or so ago that Adrian Chiles had a late diagnosis of ADD and he went on medication, which he found really helpful. I wrote to the GP (as he is now over 18 it isn't so clear cut) to help. They won't talk to me about my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kinggy · 03/01/2022 18:14

@Kinggy - anything else you would like to add to your thread? - each post you seem to add just a little bit more information to get a reaction. Yes, sorry - I just don't believe you.

Paul, I wish I was lying. Sadly I am not. My life has been chaos for so many years. I am not adding information for effect. I just wanted to keep each of my comments as short as possible. But the information I have received has been very helpful and lots I can action. In order to ensure I have the right feedback, I have given more detail.

Sorry I have come across as a troll. I am not. I really do have an 18 year old with this dreadful behaviour. Also, because I am not a perfect human, I am not a perfect mother. I feel guilty and ashamed of many things I have done and how I am feeling towards my own child.

OP posts:
Theendisnow · 03/01/2022 18:08

You sound exhausted. Are there any local charities who could advise you of what the council could offer. Will your son engage with you at all? I have two children with special needs and absolutely dreading when they hit 19 and leave education. Personally, as hard as it would be I’d step back from him. For yours and your families mental health. If you refuse to take him in you might get more support from the council. Would your son consider medication?

PaulGallico · 03/01/2022 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
Kinggy · 03/01/2022 18:07

He can control himself for interviews and with a psychiatrist, but he can't control himself around his family. He can't or won't? It seems like he is making choices because there are no consequences to his wrong choices. I think for the physical protection of my children, my husband and my dog, he would have to go

You are not the first to say this.

I had it explained to me by the SENCO when he was at Primary school, that many SEN children hold it together at school but then crash at home because they have had to hold it together and can't any longer. Plus they feel 'safe' at home to melt down as they know that their family will protect them etc.

Up until puberty, with not a jot of exageration, he would melt down on the floor and scream and cry and shout for an hour or more EVERY day after school. Plus at weekends he would have melt downs of the same length but multiple times a day. It was an utter nightmare.

As a parent you are expected to cope. I didn't. I gained 8 stone!!!!!

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 03/01/2022 18:05

I've just read your last post. You got his brother to do his gcses for him! That's just so bad. Pointless for him because there will now be expectations from external bodies from him. Did his school not think there was something odd? And so unfair on his sibling to support him breaking the law like that.

However, that aside, you have not been a bad parent. At each point you've acted how you thought would be in his best interests. You can't do more than that. If the final outcome is different from your hopes, that doesn't make you a bad parent.