Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a second baby would be too hard?

160 replies

justanoldhack · 31/12/2021 14:38

We had our first baby at the very beginning of the pandemic. It was so, so tough. We had no help from family or friends, barely any professional support. Our baby was really unsettled most of the time. Hours of crying, terrible napper, multiple night wakings, our marriage was pushed to the limit and I was so unhappy at times and thought we'd made a mistake. Things got slowly better with time, and now we are in a really wonderful place. Baby is so happy and sweet, is now a brilliant sleeper, we have a bit of our lives back (well, evenings), I'm not constantly stressed out anymore and feeling like I'm stretched to my limits... Life is good.

But now of course we're thinking about baby #2. I did always imagine having more than one, definitely not more than two. But I'm really scared of screwing everything up. I feel like adding a baby into the mix will out us right back to square one. I also don't understand how we would cope with a toddler + a baby... It was hard enough with just one. And that's without any 'big' complications (I mean, Covid was a complication but no health issues, great pregnancy and birth, etc).

I'm keen to hear from those who were unsure and had a second - what was it really like? Is there anything that you think would make it easier? We really need to make a decision soon. I feel like I want another baby, but I'm so worried about the day to day and whether we will be able to manage.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Yacarita · 31/12/2021 15:06

I would recommend leaving a slightly larger age gap. I found every bit of independence and communication skill the older one has already gained, makes a big difference. Especially being able to leave your older one to play alone for a few minutes while you settle the baby for example. Being able to explain to the older one that you're just doing X and then you'll come and do Y etc. Older one sleeping through fairly reliably and happy to have daddy do their bedtime (while you're cluster feeding/ baby needs you in the evening)

Original poster
justanoldhack · 31/12/2021 15:03

This is interesting! I was expecting people to say two kids is nothing, stop being such a wuss.

In terms of of why now @Playdoughcaterpillar it's due to our age mostly. We're already so tired!

OP posts:
RussianSpy101 · 31/12/2021 14:59

I would stick with 1. Most people don’t have professional support with their babies, pandemic or not. It can be overwhelming for some and that’s why they stop at 1.
I’m glad things are getting easier for you now.

Playdoughcaterpillar · 31/12/2021 14:59

Why do you need to decide now? It will be easier and cheaper if you wait till no 1 is school age?

FolkSongSweet · 31/12/2021 14:57

I had my second during covid and honestly it was the worst time of my life. Looking back now I think I probably had PND but it was also just so hard with a 2 year old and newborn and no family support or anywhere to go for months on end through the bleak winter! I was absolutely desperate for another child and had enjoyed my first loads despite her being a difficult, high needs, non-sleeping baby. DC2 is now 1 and things are getting easier but DC1 (still difficult and high needs!) still hasn’t fully adjusted to it and while I hope they will get on in future it’s probably fair to say that so far the baby has only been a negative for her. So I guess I’d say that unless you are desperate for another baby there is nothing wrong with sticking with 1.

sarah20212021 · 31/12/2021 14:53

Can you leave a longer gap? It makes a huge difference if the oldest is able to play independently, sleep through the night and be safely left on their own for a few moments while you attend to baby. A 2020 baby must have been hard, kudos to you for getting through it.

StrongerOrWeaker · 31/12/2021 14:52

I felt like you and decided not to go ahead with having another one. I absolutely do not regret it. We already feel stretched enough juggling our daughter and our jobs. We really don't feel like we would have had enough time (and energy!) on our hands for more. As it stands, we feel we have the best of both worlds: a child + our 'normal' lives back. Parents around us who have more than one seem to have had to make some sacrifice one way or another (unless they have a lot of family support). Not that it is a bad thing, just different to what we have.
Our daughter is happy, has lots of friends (who we might struggle to arrange play dates with had we had another child).

Original poster
justanoldhack · 31/12/2021 14:50

@Thumbcat so pleased it turned out well for you! I know if we didn't have another it would be ok. We are totally head over heels in love and I suppose that's another part of it - how can you love another child the same?! It doesn't feel possible but I'm sure we're just being silly

@Yebbie congratulations! Part of me thinks, if you got through it the first time, you'll get through it again. I hope it all goes well for you!

OP posts:
Thumbcat · 31/12/2021 14:47

Just from the other point of view, I felt like you and decided to stop at one child even though I'd always envisioned having two. As soon as the decision was made I felt at peace with it and have never regretted it for a minute. My only is 14 now and we've had the best times together.

Yebbie · 31/12/2021 14:40

No advice here - same boat though! Really turned a corner with my two year old these last few months, sleeping well, just being an overall little diamond. We have our lives back, can take him to restaurants, leave him with my parents for the night.

Aaaand I'm pregnant Grin goodbye evenings for another two years....

It will be hard, but it won't be impossible and for every tough bit there will be so many lovely bits. Atleast that's what I'm telling myself. Grin